This topic contains 16 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Umm 1 day, 8 hours ago.
July 12, 2018 at 4:51 pm #712745
I just ended a 6 month relationship, that was actually a “good” relationship. Meaning, we started out strong, I believe I did everything right (I read Eric and Sabrinas articles all the time). I let him pursue, I was not needy, I kept my life full and fun outside of him, I was not always readily available etc..) I let him set the pace and tone, and he did everything a guy should do in the first 4-5 months. Texted every morning, called me on the phone every single night, not one night in 6 months went by that he did not call me and spend 30-60 mins on the phone with me. He opened up about Depression,some childhood struggles and told me he is usually quite guarded in relationships, but my spirituality and own success story in life about overcoming traumas etc inspired him to open up to me. I accepted all of this with grace, support, kindness and compassion. 4 Months in, he told me he was pretty sure I was the one and he was falling for me. I felt the same. I believed him, he SHOWED me every day, not just said it. A man of few words really who’s actions shone through. Until they didn’t. Just like that. The past month were so confusing, him blowing hot and cold and seeming to withdraw etc..I did not chase and backed off a little to give him space. Long story short, last night he told me we are not on the same page about “falling in love”..I was confused because he had already told me he was and that he thought I was the one. He did not want to break up because he cares for me and enjoys our relationship, but when I pressed him about his change of feelings from a month ago, all he could say was “I don’t know”. He was cold, distant, unfeeling and told me outright he is no longer falling in love with me and doesn’t know how he feels. I felt I had no choice but to end the relationship. Not in a drastic way, it was calm, kind and I simply said, I need to be with someone who knows what they want, and I deserve to be with a man who is crazy about me, not “ho hum”. He did not fight the break up, did not try to get me to change my mind or anything. He hugged me good bye and told me he was sorry. I said, “you can’t force yourself to feel something you don’t feel”, and he left. Is this really done do you think? Or did he just get scared? He always said he was terrified to fall in love…there is no other woman (I am almost certain, we talked everyday and spent 3 days a week together)..also, he is 52 and not the playboy type..just not in his nature, so do not think it is another woman. Other than the above, our relationship was strong, healthy and great, until, it just stopped. Is that possible that someone can just “stop” themselves from falling in love with you? I have gone no contact, but he has not reached out anyway. Will he? I mean..do I just let this go? I know he cares deeply for me, but I think there is something going on inside him he is not talking about. Maybe he just realized I was not the one…but then why would he just stay with me? If I hadn’t ended it, we would still be together status quo….confusing. Oh, by the way, he has kids and they LOVE me, and he took me away back home twice to meet his family…his request…he talked about our future, plans, made dates, followed through, was always on time..I mean overall a great guy, then, just shut all his emotions off at once…wth? Any insight?
July 12, 2018 at 5:11 pm #712747
Sounds to me like fear. Maybe something happened in the past to him.
He could change his mind…but the question still remains why this happened at all.
If he does come back I would need to get to the bottom of what happened here.
Do not know if he will be back…maybe.July 12, 2018 at 5:19 pm #712748
I’m really sorry this happened to you. It’s not at all uncommon at the 3-6 month mark for a man to realize he is not going to fall in love with you and end the relationship, so you are not alone. At least he told you rather than ghosting or stringing you along. He’s 52… has he ever been married? Do you know how long his longest relationship lasted? Terrified of falling in love?? Hmmmm. That’s not terribly mature at that age. It’s a line or he’s had some trauma he hasn’t dealt with. Or he’s been married before and doesn’t want to go there again.
You were right to end it. If he’s going to re-think this at all, it will be in your absence. But I’d take him at his word that it’s not going to happen with you, grieve the loss and move on.
This has happened to most of us, I’ve had it happen twice. It’s pretty strange and it really isn’t about you, it’s about him having issues with intimacy or marriage.July 12, 2018 at 5:47 pm #712750
Wow…I’m sorry this happened to you!
I do understand though how someone can just ‘shut off’ as I’ve done it a few times when it started to get ‘too real’ and the idea of forever freaked me out! The first stage is mostly based on infatuation…it’s new, exciting, romantic and you feel over the moon—-it’s getting over the entire moon that can be the hard part.
It’s hard to know how it will pan out until you reach that critical stage and ask yourself ‘is this really the person I can see spending my life with?” That thought alone can be terrifying if your not in the right head space to make that type of pledge and the common thing for people to do in this situation is bolt.
Sometimes, although very rarely, a man will miss you terribly, tell himself he was.a fool to let you go and beg you back. This man steps up to the plate in a huge way and stops having those doubts but again it’s very rare.
We can’t know what’s going on in his head but it would be best for you to accept it’s over and start the process of moving on without him in it today because clinging onto false hope for too long can have negative emotional and physical consequences, such as an obsession or depression. Really try to accept it; give yourself a week to cry, binge on ice-cream, engage in a TV/movie marathon (non romantic) and when the weeks over dust yourself off and say “I got this” and get back to the routine you engaged in before you met.
Like they say “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” You will get stronger and in time find the man who wouldn’t think of letting you go so easily! 😁July 12, 2018 at 10:14 pm #712764
You are asking if you should let it go, but what choice do you have? Chase after him and beg him to come back? Formally you ended the relationship but it was not your choice. If you hadn’t ended it, he would have ended it a few days or weeks later.
I am sorry for what happened. But you have no choice now, you have to stay in no contact. This is the only way for him to have some time to think about things.
You said it’s been 6 months and he was your perfect guy, this is where I began to feel a little edgy. Calls every day (!!) OMG how did you take it? And how did he manage not to scream? I’d feel suffocated.
I think you overplayed the “nice” girl part, which probably created some distance between you two, and his emotions went downhill from there.
He may have just tired of this whole thing, too much too soon and things are too “peachy”. I know I would be very tired from this much of “relationship” with “nothing wrong”. When things are so wonderful and so perfect they become numbing quite fast. You need some normal dynamic, with some arguments and emotional makeups, some passion and some normal female behaviour, not this peachy preachy textbook fakeness of being a cool secure girl. You sound like a very nice person, but maybe too nice. Stop being that nice and that understanding!
In his age he unlikely to start falling apart, I think he’d need quite a bit of time to start missing you, so give him this time. He will contact you again, not necessarily to get back together, but he will contact you. If you want to make him FEEL things, don’t play a nice girl. Ignore his first call. It is easier said than done but “they really love you when you don’t need them”.July 13, 2018 at 12:03 am #712774
My initial reaction to this is that he said two very important things.
1: he is terrified of allibg in love. That’s not a healthy emotional state of mind. When people toss out such dramatic comments, pay attention. He was warning you this won’t work. It doesn’t matter why he is terrified, that up to him to fix if he want something to. It says he is emotionally unavailable. I’ve never been in a serious relationship with a person who says this. I was with a man for a few years quite awhile back. He said to me in joking he was a terrible boyfriend. This man called me and kept in contact every single day. Yet, he turned out to be a terrible boyfriend. Cheated, didn’t keep promises, it was awful. Had I listened early on I would have avoided two years of hell.
2: he has depression. I realize that is common and women on here don’t like to disqualify men with mental health issues. But the fact he told you this was another clue he isn’t emotionally stable. People who aren’t happy with themselves can’t muster the ability to be happy with others.
My guess is that his depression kicked in again and that exacerbated him emotional unavailability so it was the perfect storm. Of course that’s just a guess based on what you shared. He may also have just felt that he was progressing in him feelings for you.
Women like to be fixers. They like to think they can fix broken men. Most times it just isn’t possible and we get really confused and hurt.
No one knows what the future holds. But if he does come back, I would be on guard and pay attention to what he tells you and not just focus into the sweet nothings.
Oh and I totally disagree with Emma. It’s not normal to have drama and arguments and girl issues to sustain a happy relationship. And talking every day is not over the top in my opinion. Every couple has their cadence of what works as it relates to communication. And please don’t ‘play’ being the aloof bad girl. While I agree men love the chase but once you are in an established relationship those kind of games don’t work. Actually men want to be needed. Women get this idea that men are intimidated by their independence and success. Actually that’s not always true. Men stand back because if he doesn’t see him being needed in your life, there’s no point I never being in it.July 13, 2018 at 1:48 am #712787
Lanes advice is solid, but for some reason she can’t give it without making herself look good, she is always the one to drop the guy, and on another post she said the men in her life including the new LDR guy view her as emotionally unattached, not sure if she’s bragging or what. But most people on here share bad experiences they had with men, Lane is all about Lane and can’t seem to realize her need to validate herself gets boring, can she be humble? Even her own man sees her as cold and unemotional. There you go.July 13, 2018 at 1:53 am #712788
Maybe Lane needs to learn. And that’s why she is here. Usually people who fluff up how great they are are and put people down are the least happy and satisfied. I get the most out of humble experiences and not those that fluff the poster up. Did people on here know lanes issue a year or so ago when she was concerned she had to spend holidays with an ex husband and wasn’t sure it she’s could not have sex with him? Turns out he didn’t want it. Something to be said about strong women and independence. Another to showcase you can’t do wrong. Apparently she also is a better coach to her sons than her ex husband. She just can’t fail.July 13, 2018 at 7:14 am #712794
This behavior of calling out a specific woman on here is really out of control at this point. At first it was slightly interesting as some posters have their MO in how they respond whether it be LOL or Capital letters, a certain persons point of view whatever. Who cares? It’s ridiculous and quite frankly mentally unstable to focus on a person in order to overly criticize them every time they post. On top of the fact that a woman would intentionally try to bring another woman down. It’s tough enough out there for us as it is.July 13, 2018 at 9:08 am #712796
Tippy, honestly, you sound like you have your act together and there is nothing you could have done. It sounds like you were yourself, he was himself and it didn’t pan out.
He may come back, but if I was you, I’d start dating again.
As for Emma’s advice…. some men do like women who are “spicy” and a little drama. And no, they don’t stick with nice girls. But if you are a nice girl, “creating” drama, if that’s not who you are, is just being inauthentic. And there are a ton TON of men who will dump you like a box of rocks if you create drama in the first 6 months.
Also, yeah, we don’t need to cut down other women.July 13, 2018 at 12:03 pm #712816
Well, I was going to say that Lane’s advice was spot-on, especially since when you’re dealing with grown men (as opposed to young men), they tend to be more stable and less emotionally-fraught. So for a GROWN man to say he’s terrified of falling in love is a pretty substantial warning sign.
But since, as noted, the trend lately is to pick on people trying to help (my pic apparently looks like an autopsy photo, lol), I’ll just point up the screen and say “good advice”.
Lane, let’s go start an old hens’ club, shall we? *evil grin*July 13, 2018 at 12:13 pm #712817
Pam has a bug up her ass about Lane. Enough already.July 13, 2018 at 12:33 pm #712819
I am so sorry this happened! You did absolutely the right thing.
I’ve never slowly fallen in love. Has anyone else? What I mean is, of course there’s a period where you feel like you may be falling in love, but that’s gone either way for me. You’re either in love or you’re not. Maybe this man really felt he was falling, but he didn’t quite fall?
I actually think it’s a cruel thing to say to someone as it gives false hope. “Falling” suggests part of a chain reaction that will result in love. It doesn’t always happen though.
I’m sure men say it to be romantic or charming or something. Maybe he really wanted to fall in love and was partly hoping to convince himself? Who knows! But what is clear is he’s realised he doesn’t have the right feelings for you.
I wouldn’t expect him back or hope for him to come back. He’s had enough time to decide and his decison was no.
I am very sorry.July 13, 2018 at 1:14 pm #712824
Well I guess I’m going to pull a Lane here because I’ve done exactly the same thing in a relationship myself!! Granted I was still in love with my ex boyfriend (my now husband) and told this guy I wasn’t ready to date, he kept pushing wanting to go out as friends, then wanting to kiss me hold hands, etc. The more I resisted the more he laid on the romantic charm, the gifts, the special dates, remembering my favorite wine, buying me things because he remembered me saying I liked it. Eventually I agreed to date him and there were times when he made things so special and he was so sweet and amazing and he absolutely adored me and had me on a pedestal that I told him I could see myself falling for him.
But I couldn’t get my ex out of my head, I wouldn’t be physically intimate with this new guy because of it and 3 months into the relationship my ex started contacting me, asked to see me, and then the new guy drops the L bomb on me and I had to break things off. As amazing as he was on paper, handsome, charming, successful, financially stable, had lots of friends, hobbies, great career, same Christian values, his family loved me, I just couldn’t get there emotionally.
Eventually I got back with the ex boyfriend and the rest is history. I still feel bad about hurting him but I warned him so much about it up front and he knew we weren’t intimate because I was still hung up on my ex and needed time to get over him, but he kept begging me to date him and go out. I guess all I can offer is the fact that we can’t make ourselves fall in love. I don’t know why he couldn’t see a future with you. I’m sure you are amazing and there is a man out there who will see that in you and know you are the one and won’t hesitate. And if this man stayed in your life you would never meet the man you are meant to.
I guess this kind of goes with the post from a few days ago by the woman who said her boyfriend hadn’t told her at 6 months he was in love with her. If they’re not saying it odds are they’re not feeling it and it was better he let you know and let you go instead of dragging things on. I know that doesn’t make you feel better right now but eventually you will look back and realize this happened for a reason.July 13, 2018 at 5:02 pm #712869
oh wow, some people are just petty I guess. and I’ve been here for a while, I love Lane so I have to say something. everyone relates to themselves in order to give advice. Lane’s advice is one of the best on this website. what’s wrong with saying ‘i’ve been there too’, ‘I’ve been on the receiving end of this’. this is to offer either consolation and sympathy or to give the other person’s persepctive. and everyone who knows anything about psychology or therapy, knows that this a professional way to give good advice – by relating to yourself! I never got impression that Lane is overconfident. there is nothing wrong with saying that men want to date her if that’s true! she shared some horrible experiences (for example, with her ex-husband) here too.July 16, 2018 at 10:12 am #713040
Lane definitely doesn’t give the best advice she’s repetitive and I’d like to hear advice that doesn’t go into her background I don’t care about it. Redcurlysue gives the best hands down and it actually relates to the op. Advice to lane is say whatever you have to say then stop when you feel like talking about your bfJuly 16, 2018 at 10:55 am #713056
I agree with Mary. It’s ok once in a while, like Kaye, to share personal experience. But Lane is so OTT about herself it gets really old. You can give advice without constantly puffing up your image. She even insults her ex husband by saying her sons have to come to her for relationship advice. Agree you don’t have to keep referencing how great you are, how smart and successful and how you act more like a man than your man does. But doesn’t seem to matter because this feedback hasn’t been shared several times and all she does is threaten to have posters banned instead of taking the advice constructively. I love RCS and Hannah’s advice too.humble is appealing.