I can't let go of him


Home Forums Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals I can't let go of him

This topic contains 48 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Joe 12 hours, 7 minutes ago.

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  • #661352 Reply

    Courtney

    He’s cheated on me and I can’t allow myself to let him go. He told me he still loves his ex but I am still with him. He’s put me through so much. Look I know this is going to be a DEEP conversation but I don’t have anyone else I can confide in. When I found out he cheated, I cut myself in my thigh with the word “ruiner” to wake him up. But he later STILL CHEATED. I even told him of my suicidal thoughts but he STILL CHEATED. He finally told me that he was still in love with the girl he cheated with but was heartbroken over her past relationship. So basically we are still together and I am TRYING SO HARD to trust and believe that he and I will work this time. IS there any hope for us?

    #661354 Reply

    Khadija

    I’m sorry this is happening to you.

    Please go seek professional help.

    #661357 Reply

    Raven

    Please find a therapist!

    #661359 Reply

    THIA ANITA

    I am so sorry this is happening to you. I know how you feel. It does hurt to love someone that does not give you the same amount of love and respect back!! This is probably easier say than done, try to not put all your focus on the relationship. I am hanging out more with friends, going to the gym and doing some activities that distracting me a bit. This is working at the moment because keeping you busy and your brain occupy at the same time giving him a time to sort out his feelings maybe. Good luck and hang in there!

    #661365 Reply

    Courtney

    Thank you for the advice. I do agree with every bit of it. I don’t like how I feel inside. I don’t feel like I”m enough for him. Though he has the ex on blocked, I help but to think that no matter what I do, he’ll always want the ex. I do need to refocus. I have put my time and effort into other things. He’s put me through alot. I just hope this go around, we can be stronger as he’s trying to block her from his life.

    #661367 Reply

    Paige

    No.. there’s not.

    In the meantime, I would try to get some help.

    #661380 Reply

    Lane

    This is so sad to hear. You really need help, the psychological type as you have some serious that go beyond the guy your with and using him as a life preserver to avoid getting the root of your internal problems. He’s not capable of fulfilling the the love you crave and hanging on is destroying g you. Please seek help because I fear you will hurt yourself far more than he can hurt you. Yes, cheating g sucks but it’s a big neon sign telling you to STOP the pain and find your way out out of the black hole you’ve fallen into.

    I know it’s hard but trust me when you take the first step, the path to inner happiness becomes much easier once you get on the right track!

    #661389 Reply

    Emma

    Poor you, please try to understand it is not about you, this guy was in love with that girl before he met you, he still is in love. Those are feelings, he has them, regardless of you. If it were some other woman, not you, he’d still be in love with his ex. Have you not been in love? Remember how it works? NOBODY, not even the most attractive person in the world, the most talented person in the world, NOBODY is going to be “enough”. You just want that ONE person. They can be less attractive or less of anything, you just love them and you can’t help it.

    You need to stop thinking it is all about you. His life, his feelings, you happen to fall into the wrong situation. Try to pull yourself together and get out of it.

    #661395 Reply

    Courtney

    But Emma does it not mean anything that he’s blocked her and isn’t trying to contact her?

    #661399 Reply

    Amanda

    Courtney, I am so sorry. But no, it does not mean anything. It means he is trying to make life less painful for him. But he is in no place to be in a relationship with anybody! It will take years before he is. You do not deserve this and you have so much to love to give. Find the courage to let go so you can find someone better, once you heal. When you do I promise you will look back and wonder why you did not let go sooner.

    And please try therapy. It is actually fun. You get a nice compassionate person to listen to your story and offer their unbiased opinion.

    #661478 Reply

    Honeypie

    if you are at a stage where you self harm to cope with how this all makes you feel, you need to dump his sorry ass and get therapy. In that order. I suspect you have self harmed before, it would be very unusual if this just was a one off. You will be aware of how Harming this man and relationship is. No there isn’t any hope of your feelings getting better. I say your feelings- because you may, and likely will stay together. You will cling on like he is your oxygen… but your feelings of jealousy and insecurity and not feeling good enough will not get better.
    THIS relationship is broken. If you want to repair yourself you have to be brace, take control and tell him actually, you are having a laugh at my expense here- sleep with your ex and say you still love her?? Go f**k yourself! And then after you have done that my friend, you need to concentrate on unf***ing yourself…

    #661490 Reply

    redcurleysue

    Blocking her is not your answer.

    You need to speak with someone who can help you with your pain.

    You need to be able to understand what an awesome woman you are and were before you met this man. You need to detach and stand in your own power.

    Do not let time go by without assistance that can make you so much stronger and happier. Another person cannot make our life complete…truly, you know this deep inside, you just need to reach out.

    #661756 Reply

    Courtney

    I do feel like his head games drive me up the wall. I hold on SO MUCH because I feel like him letting go of any thought of him and the ex being together, seems like a huge step for us. I know I do need help. But I feel like he needs help too. I seriously want to suggest couples counseling but he will just blame me and say that it’s “something inside of me ” that I need to workon. I feel like the ex thing is behind us(although it’s only been 3 weeks of no contact…..that I know of) so I’m hoping we are rebuilding?

    #661761 Reply

    Courtney

    @honeypie

    Yes I’ve cut myself when I was in college but I hadn’t in awhile. There was a time back in may when I suspected him of cheating he told me that he wanted to call it quits….. I was deeply hurt over it that my mind was going all over the place….such as self harming. I told him of my thoughts because of what his cheating was doing to me but still managed to cheat on me with HER. I know I am not enough and that hurts more than words can express. Plus he started going back to the gym…..for HER. Stops eating when he had disputes or disagreements or her cutting things off with him. I don’t know why I need any kind of approval from him….he hates my clothes….the fact that I don’t wear makeup…nor being happy about going to a sex shop among other things. We barely have sex and when we DO, I can’t but wonder if he wish it were with HER.

    #661782 Reply

    Elle

    Courtney,
    I empathize with you. Here are somethings you need to know: this is NOT your fault. Do NOT mar your beautiful self (carving or hurting it) for that jerk! And, you need to take care of yourself – go get counseling (so a professional can help steer you in the right path to save yourself from that jerk) and occupy your time with friends, family, work, hobbies, ANYTHING that will distract you from thinking about that jerk! He can’t get his junk together to pick you, then you’re out of there. He can reconnect with you when he gets his head out of his nether region and PICK YOU over any other woman. Until then, to h___ with him – go live your life. You deserve a man who treats you like you are his sun, moon, and stars. Anything less, is b.s. Don’t settle. I wish you well, and understand, it will be hard. It will be so damn difficult you think you won’t survive, but you will get through this. I promise. We all have to go through this – unfortunately. But, when things get better, you will look back on this one tiny portion of your life and thank yourself for being your own hero. If you live with jerk, move out. Cut ties with him. Do not accept his calls or messages. Let him work for you! Let him earn you! Plus, read (daily) “He Just Not That Into You” by Greg Berlander(?) and “Act Like A Lady. Think Like A Man” by Steve Harvey. Good books for women of any age to read – so they will go into a relationship with strength and confidence. Love yourself and save yourself from this jerk. Don’t waste another minute on that fool.

    #661809 Reply

    Sam

    I’m sorry to say this but you have to let him go. He doesn’t deserve you. If he is still n love with his ex gf, there is nothing you can do to change his heart. Set him free. You gotta have some self respect and not hang on to someone who’s in love with someone else. You are just delaying the inevitable.

    #661813 Reply

    Vickie

    I am sorry that you are hurting…
    However. Attempted to kill yourself because of someone doesn’t love you back, some one who cheated on you multiple times, this is stupid…I am sorry if I sound mean. I usually don’t talk like this to people. But I hope the harsh truth will wake you up.
    He is still in love with her, doesn’t matter he blocked her…she is in his mind, his heart…he can’t help it….matbe time will help him.
    PLEASE stop harming yourself, live yourself.
    PLEASE go see a therapist.
    Love….

    #661820 Reply

    Emma

    You did not hear a word of what people are saying here did you? You keep hammering the same point, again and again, why he cheated, he cheated, with HER, with HER.

    We keep telling you, he is in love with her, that’s why. And it is not because you are not good enough, it is because of him. And for as long as he is in love with her no other woman would be good enough for him.

    You want to win him over, your ego is screaming at you, you are in competition with this woman. You don’t really love him, it is about your female ego. If you had feelings for him, you’d know what it’s like. He can’t help it. He is trying to let go of her, blocking her and not contacting her, but feelings don’t go away easily.

    It is not because you are not good enough, you think he is cheating, but maybe in his mind he is cheating on his love with YOU, just to give you another perspective. When you love someone, being with someone else feels like cheating. It can feel awful. Less so to men, they always welcome another pussy (excuse my vulgarity) but most women here I am sure can confirm that sleeping with someone else you don’t love, while loving another person, can feel quite miserable.

    Stop being a fool. Your wounded ego is going to make you miserable. It is not because you are not good enough, no one is going to be good enough to him, no other woman, except that one.

    You do need to get yourself some kind of help. You are fixated on the wrong thing and until you are able to see that, you’d be spinning inside this wheel like a hamster.

    You need to leave him and let him deal with his feelings, he will need a lot of time to recover, you need to live your life and rebuild your self esteem and self worth.

    My prediction that you will stay with him and continue to fight and compete with that other woman until there will be no dignity left in you. Do you think this will make him love you? Want you? It will do the opposite of course, but you will not hear a word of what I just said, you are going to read all this and then say something like “but he said he does not want to talk to her anymore” blah-blah.

    Feelings don’t go away just because we want them to. Strong feelings stay longer. In his case he clearly has strong feelings for that woman. You got in the wrong situation, so smarten up and get out.

    #662101 Reply

    Courtney

    Thankall for the needed feedback. I guess I get confused as why he’s even with me if she’s who he wants? A few weekends ago, I thought we were on the right track…..we went to the movies with his kids and we got intimate. Why is he with me?

    #662104 Reply

    redcurleysue

    You want a simple answer to a complex question.

    But, here is where the real problem is…you are focused on him.

    To be honest with you he does not really matter. What really matters is you.

    My mother used to joke and say, “After me you come first.”….but yet, that is the healthiest way to think. You see, we all have to come first to ourselves, without being first we cannot take care of our life. I am with myself all day…what I do and do not do matters. I matter.

    That is where you have to get. You very much matter. If you need help to see that then get it. You need to come to a place with you speak from YOU…not from what anyone else is doing…including parents, children and husband. You have to come first…always. Otherwise you cannot make decisions or have a voice in important decisions that impact others as well as yourself. Yes to ME first.

    #662669 Reply

    Honeypie

    Why did they break up? And when? And who finished with who? I suspect he is with you because she won’t have him and he needs someone.
    I am concerned to read the criticism he gives you. This is a man who put his ex first- who holds her in such high esteem yet criticises you.
    I think this is about the self worth you hold yourself in if I’m honest. Please take a step back and think- do you even like this man? Do you respect him? What is it you are holding on to? If feels like a competition that if you ‘win’ i.e. He doesn’t contact her, your self worth will rise. The reality is however, your self worth will continue to deminish as you will continue to wonder when he’s thinking of her or have they contacted etc… why isn’t he with her? My bet is she won’t have him…

    #662724 Reply

    Courtney

    They broke up because they couldn’t get along back in march of 2016. She moved out after an argument. His criticsms of me is that he’s not attracted to me. We aren’t physically involved all that much. He doesn’t like how I dress and that I don’t wear lingerie or that I don’t wear makeup much when we go out.

    Truthfully, I feel like the constellation prize because she chose not to be with him after we spent a weekend together. He’s mentioned several times to her ( saw in text) that he places her on a pedestal so when he found out about other men in her phone that she was seeing other men and she wouldn’t be 100% honest with him about those men, he got mad, stole her phone, contacted the men to get the truth of their involvment. But he knows he can trust me because he doesn’t have to do those things to me. He also loves the way that I treat him because I treat him like a king. He said that no other woman has EVER treated him the way I’ve treated him. Our relationship, started out to HIM as some kind of financial thing for him. But I love him so much that I just contribute financially. Even when he’s so mean to me, I STILL treat him very good. The ex didn’t do that.

    ANd sometimes I DON”T feel like the constellation prize because physically, she IS what he wants. She’s gorgeous, african american ( by no means am I racist, but he mentioned that his preference is black women and blondes and I’m neither) and has a gorgeous shape. And it makes ME wonder, if he really wanted to be with her, wouldn’t he be with her? Why block her when he could have continued on with her? He doesn’t trust her. He trusts me. He doesn’t want the aggravation of knowing that the woman he loves is going to do things behind his back or is going to be more open and honest. So that’s why he’s with me.

    I do love him, but I don’t like how he treats me a lot of times. But when he’s so loving and sweet to me…. it melts my heart. Most times when he’d be loving to me, I always wondered if/when a favor was going to be asked of him.

    I do agree with you about my self worth. Before knowing him, I had the self esteem of 3 people. He has a way making you feel less than. I don’t know why I’m still with him. I always said that if I heard he cheated on me again, I’d walk. But after knowing WHO he cheated on me with, it did something to me. I don’t know I guess to try and “win” him? I don’t know.

    #662749 Reply

    Cari

    Courtney

    I dont mean to sound mean when I say my thoughts on this but your mindset is NOT healthy. Sit back and think about what you’ve “won” of him. He’s told you he’s not attracted to you, still loves his ex, cheated on you, showing obvious disrespect to not only you but her. WHO DOES THESE THINGS? You know, steals a phone and contacts guys from his exes phone unless he felt like they were in a relationship but then is in a relationship with someone else? Please please PLEASE see, that this “man” does not love you. Especially after all of the self harm you’ve done to yourself.Please show more compassion towards yourself!

    #662751 Reply

    Cari

    It also sounds like you 2 are codependent towards each other…which to ME shows that you must talk to someone about your feelings and state of mind. He seems to be with you because you’re like a security blanket so he doesn’t have to be alone. And you’re with him for….well…why are you with him again?

    #662761 Reply

    Courtney

    I have to admit that I question why I stay with him everyday. I guess I felt, for once, he finally chose our relationship. And I do believe he is with me because of he way that I treat him. I want to believe that things will get better. I want to believe that he will never contact her or feel the need to contact her again.

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