This topic contains 35 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by sanfranciscogirl 1 year, 3 months ago.
February 17, 2017 at 4:46 am #603195
I have a dilemma.
I met this guy on a flight coming back from abroad in January. We charted and exchanged numbers. We talked for a couple of weeks and had a date. He was upfront and said he was looking for a relationship or to see where this leads us (commitment of course). He asked if I was seeing anyone, I said “I am dating but no one exclusive at this time” which is true. I am basically looking for a serious relationship towards marriage – but didn’t say this to him. He was nice and a gentleman – a bit talkative to my liking of which I didn’t mind that much.
The issues I have are two folds:
1) I am not physically/sexually attracted to him at all! That is a major deal breaker for me when dating any guy because I am an affectionate person both in private and public with full on PDA. I like to show openness when am physically/sexually attracted to a guy. He’s not a bad looking guy, he’s physically fit and well groomed – just do not feel that sexual chemistry for him at all. However, I can see he feels physically and sexually attracted to me. We have had 3 dates the past one month and that’s because I make excuses as I want to pace things regardless, but, he wants us to see each other more often. He tried kissing me after our valentine’s day dinner, and I felt repulsed. All I wanted was just a kiss on the cheek and he wanted a full-on mouth kiss which I cringed and gave him a quick kiss on the lips :-(
2) He is 15 years older than me – which is a no no for me. I rarely date men who are older than me. The oldest I have dated was 3 years older. I am in my forties and he’s in his mid-sixties 0_0. And when we are out he looks like my dad. I look way more younger than my age, so I feel out of place and not my usual perky self because it feels awkward.
He traveled out of the country right now and will be gone for a month. Before he left couple of days ago, he talked about what he wants us to do when he gets back – going to the opera, movies, meeting his son, shopping, me sleeping over at his place (nope!), going to church together – basically things people in a relationship do. I don’t mind doing those things with him (except sleeping over), and not give him the impression that I want a relationship with him.
I just want casual friendship with no form of intimacy. I do not feel sexually attracted to him at all and I don’t see me getting past that any day.
I want to keep seeing him just for friendship and for outing here and there that does not connote relationship. How do I let him know that I do not want a relationship and I just want casual friendship without any form of intimacy?
Greatly appreciate your advice.
February 17, 2017 at 4:57 am #603196
“I am not physically/sexually attracted to him at all” “I just want casual friendship without any form of intimacy”
You tell him this. For his sake, be honest.
PERIOD.February 17, 2017 at 5:45 am #603202
You really shouldn’t lead him in any Longer. It is very hurtful to be attracted to someone, thinking you’re going somewhere to realising that person isn’t attracted to you at all.
What if he read you were repulsed by him kissing you. How awful.
I think the reason you haven’t told him yet is because you’re scared he’ll cut contact with you when you tell him and you don’t get the perks you’re enjoying anymore.
Basically you’re leading him on to get trips to the opera and you don’t want that to change if he finds out there’s no romantic potential in it for him.
You need to tell him either before you see him next or when you see him next.
Please don’t lead him on, it’s not Nice.
If it were the other way around we’d be telling you to go NC because this man has no I getest in you and start getting over him because he’s not worth your time.
I understand how you’d end up in this situation, it happens. But please get yourself (and him!) out of it asap, he’s going to feel used otherwise. You know his goal, you tell him his soon.February 17, 2017 at 6:31 am #603208
“I think the reason you haven’t told him yet is because you’re scared he’ll cut contact with you when you tell him and you don’t get the perks you’re enjoying anymore.”
Spot on Algo ! People can be so egoist sometimes.
Poor all of us that have been lead on by a person before thinking they were into us.February 17, 2017 at 7:52 am #603212
I agree with your statements and that is why I have felt guilty since our first date, knowing how much he’s in.
This is why I came here asking for opinion and advise.
And I also agree that he’ll possibly break it off given the degree at which he expressed what he wanted upfront and his disposition towards me since then.
I enjoy his company minus intimacy. He was very upset when we went shopping and went for dinner afterwards, because I decided to go home afterwards as he thought I was going to spend the night at his place – which quite frankly took me aback – especially as we never discussed any such thing – not only that, we just started seeing each other.
I’ve been in this situation before and it did not end very well – the guy in question was pissed and thought I led him on. I felt immensely terrible. I don’t want such awful feeling again.
I will tell him when he gets back and see what develops.February 17, 2017 at 8:07 am #603213
You gave your number and agreed to go out with a man you aren’t attracted to.February 17, 2017 at 8:30 am #603218
This will get awkward and he’ll get hurt. Do you need another friend that much?February 17, 2017 at 8:33 am #603219
You want a ‘friend’ that pays your way when you do things together?
And women come on here and complain that men are jerks. If the situation were reversed the OP would be crying that she felt used and why couldn’t e man have been hinest with her and not led her on.February 17, 2017 at 9:03 am #603231
I mean, he has started he is in it for a relationship, you did not say you saw him as only friend. Meaning, by omission, you are lying to him. Because he is under the impression you want the same.
Had you not had the conversation on what you were looking for, you could say you were ‘seeing where this is going
Look, sometimes People need to grow in you. But if he’s kissed you ask you were repulsed, then that’s usually sth your body/hormones bounce back from. There’s initial indifference and actual repulsion. You’re not attracted to the point of being disgusted. That’s not going to change. So he done with it and try not to get into this situation again. This man seems like a good Guy, don’t let him waste his time on a woman who’s not going to give him what he wants and deserves.February 17, 2017 at 9:05 am #603232
Definitely break it off as soon as possible. However, please, please, please do not mention that you don’t find him sexually attractive. That is a REALLY hurtful thing to hear- especially from someone you’re really into.
Just tell him that while you’ve had fun getting to know him the connection you’re looking for just isn’t there. If he presses you for details, be kind.February 17, 2017 at 9:13 am #603235
Why did you post the same question under a different name of peppy?February 17, 2017 at 9:26 am #603239
Ms.Liberty!..Usually I’m not the one to come down on ppl in these forums as I’ve saw/read how others do but come on now you know better & as you stated this has happened before & didn’t end well!..My grandmother always told me if you don’t want a man don’t take anything from him because thats a sure fire way 2 get yourself hurt really bad!..For future references drop that player behavior ASAP it’s not cute @ all!..Karma is a bad chick,be mindful of how you treat people..February 17, 2017 at 9:38 am #603243
Hi-I am Peppy,I am not Liberty. It is a coincidence that our posts are similar. I have not been on a plane for ages and am not using the guy for expensive perks. Liberty-you should end it with him or say you want to just be friends, friends who buy their own opera tickets!February 17, 2017 at 9:39 am #603244
Maybe you and liberty should both move on to a man you really want.February 17, 2017 at 9:44 am #603246
I agree L-I keep trying to turn coal into gold! Mind you, he is high grade coal but coal is not sexy lol.February 17, 2017 at 9:47 am #603249
You don’t sound that sexy either. But then you will find out soon enough when one of the next men you date that you really like, does the same thing to you, karma is real. Good luck with your approach.February 17, 2017 at 10:11 am #603257
Hi Ginger-not sure why you are being so snippy? Of course I have fallen for/liked guys that were not attracted to me and I have had lots of guys think I am very attractive. The dilemma is finding a guy that is terrific in all aspects but there is no chem/spark. Does a person wait to see if it could develop (and not wanting to lead him on though) or end it now. I have mainly felt instant chemistry with men I have dated and wish I could feel it with him because he is a great guy.February 17, 2017 at 10:21 am #603261
Well, let’s put it this way. He is probably using you too. Funny thing is this. He might not find you sexually attractive either, but is settling too.
If you aren’t sexually attracted, I don’t get your ask. Move on.February 17, 2017 at 10:26 am #603263
Not being ‘snippy’ but it is ironic that most women come on here upset that a man used her, but someone like you thinks it’s ok to use a man.
Such a double standard, take responsibility for yourself and your life. If you are ok settling for less than what you really want, than do it.February 17, 2017 at 10:29 am #603264
No I don’t believe it grows, maybe slightly, but feeling repulsed to thinking he’s the hottest man alive isn’t going to happen.February 17, 2017 at 10:32 am #603269
The only guy I stayed with that wasn’t physically attractive to me ended up being a player and cheater.
I ‘settled’ because he was 15 years older and had money. He set me up and paid for me to live in one of his houses for over a year. And then I found out he did this with other women at the same time. Joke was on me.
I was actually glad it ended, but like you, thought I had the upper hand.February 17, 2017 at 10:39 am #603273
Hi Liberty– I’m not going to come down on you too hard, I have been in a somewhat similar position –however I never let him pay for me– everything was 50/50.
The things is, sometimes you meet a really high quality guy and you think maybe that part will grow. honestly has never been my experience. It’s either there or it’s not. However I know and have had other women tell me that has not been the case for them so I wanted to give this guy a shot.
I wouldn’t say I was repulsed by kissing this guy, just kinda meh.
Anyway, unfortunately I let it drag on a bit too long, hoping I would develop more sparks (logically he was GREAT– GREAT on paper). He ended up getting pretty hurt because I was on the fence for far longer than I shoudl have been.
Be kind, firm, and get out of it now before you hurt him.February 17, 2017 at 10:39 am #603274
I am in a similar situation.
There is a man who has told me he is been ‘in love’ with me since he first saw me years ago. We have tried dating on and off for years. Recently it is on again.
However, I have been nothing but HONEST with him that I am still not sure how I feel.
I do not lead him on, I do not make out with him, I most DEFINITELY do not sleep with him… and for now, he is OK with that.
He is a great guy, but I am not sure we are right for each other. I keep hoping and trying that my feelings will come around. I admit I have a lot of baggage with trust issues, and I am emotionally guarded (I have been working hard to overcome my issues) and he knows all of this and is willing to stick with me and see what happens.
Sadly, I too feel that I am ‘using’ him even though I have been nothing but upfront with him.
If you are not feeling it with this guy and he already has met one of your deal breakers by being significantly older than you… just end it.
But if you feel there is potential, and you just need more time, then BE HONEST with him and let him make his own choices.
Pretending is not fair to either one of you.
Good Luck!!February 17, 2017 at 10:43 am #603277
Wow.. a lot of stone cold women on hereFebruary 17, 2017 at 10:44 am #603278
Thanks Rachel- I think that is likely true. I have not been “using” the guy (like some have suggested) for fancy perks and I don’t get how he is supposed to be using me-we have not even kissed,let alone had sex. I was just hoping maybe the chemistry cold develop although that has not been my dating experience. I am not Liberty and I think our situations are similar,but not the same.