This topic contains 6 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by redcurleysue 3 days, 14 hours ago.
November 14, 2017 at 11:11 am #666834
How do you come to the conclusion if you are compatible or not. If there’s love, attraction for each other. If you put each other’s need ahead of yours, if you try impressing each other. But when you argue you feel like you are on a completely different chapter. But after you argue one or the other tries to makeup and try to brings peace in right away. Doesn’t let the fight get prolonged. Yet how can you decide whether this relationship would work or not?November 14, 2017 at 12:17 pm #666847
I don’t think compatibility is about fights. I never fought with my ex and we weren’t compatible. I fight with my husband and we are!
The difference is about values, priorities and ambitions I think.
For example, my ex wanted to go out partying all the time. We constantly had people in our house and I found it exhausting. He was mean with money but also never saved a penny. He had absolutely no ambition. When I looked at a life with him, I knew it would never make me happy. I’d never have enough personal space and time, we’d never have bought a nice house, we would always have been broke and there are lots of things that are really important to me we never would have been able to share. So even though we didn’t fight, we weren’t compatible.November 14, 2017 at 12:33 pm #666853
Also, to state the obvious, it’s about personality. Do you really “get” each other? Do you complement each other? (Not compliment!)
You don’t have to be the same. Sometimes it works better when you aren’t. For example, my husband has quite a forceful personality and I’m quite laid back. 2 forceful people has the potential for disaster! Equally 2 reserved people can cause problems because no one will share their feelings!
When you fight, you may feel like you’re talking to an alien but sometimes that’s because anger and hurt make people unreasonable. Can you resolve things well when you’re calm? Do either of you fight dirty?
Really I think it can take a good year or 2…when the honeymoon period of over, you’re both being totally yourselves and no one’s trying to impress each other…to really know for sure.
But if your personalities clash, you don’t like the same or similar things and you don’t want the same things out of life, it’s unlikely to work.November 14, 2017 at 12:53 pm #666858
Thanks Hannah… yes we both want same things in life. We both are divorced with kids and both are on a same page when it comes to handling them and making the family. The only thing is both have personalities where we don’t like to be told. So if I have to say something to him he gets defensive and if he says something I get defensive but the fights are severe but as soon as we calm down, we both melt in each other’s arms and apologize to each other. Calm down period is like within half an hour of the fight. Or most of the time right after.
Other than that I don’t see any thing else that you set a red alarm. We both have passed honeymoon phase. We have been living together for the past one year now and there’s no impressing each other in a way that we don’t want to look bad. Impressing each other would be to make each other happy and make our day. For example, he would plan a date night without telling me where we are going or me preparing dinners for him when he is out and have a nice candle light dinner when kids aren’t around. We try to keep a spark in our lives even though we are very busy with three kids. But as a divorcee who didn’t have any compatibility with her ex husband and him with his ex wife…we sometimes get scared that hope we aren’t going to get doomed.November 14, 2017 at 2:05 pm #666873
I’ve been with my man for four years. 3 of them married. And can count on one hand the number of arguments we have had. You fight too much. And over time this will get old and wear down your live and relationship. You both want to be right and not happyNovember 14, 2017 at 2:42 pm #666884
I also think the fact you fight so much, and you categorize the arguments as “severe”…. concerning.
A very big piece of healthy relationships is honest, respectful communication. That, to me (besides having shared values about children/child rearing, finances, spiritual beliefs, family,life goals etc) reveal if a relationship can weather the true storms of life.
It’s normal and healthy to disagree at times. But if you disagree on big issues, or even smaller ones a good amount (or most) of the time-and can’t respectfully state your side, and discuss things without it becoming an arguments, then no, it does NOT bode well at all.
If you both can’t take constructive criticism or feedback (or deliver it with compassion and love)with the goal of both being better for yourselves AND one another, I see that as a big issue.
Either you are both immature, overly sensitive, or just lack solid boundaries and are not able to communicate effectively… without losing it.
How long were each of you single after your failed marriages? If you both didn’t work on your own issues before getting involved with one another, that is another concern.
You can not avoid repeating old unhealthy patterns- unless you spend time in self reflection to figure out why you react the way you do, and then do the hard work to overcome dysfunctional thinking patterns and behaviors.
Based on what you’ve said, I think you two would be well served seeking couples and possibly also individual counseling. The way you two fight is not healthy. It will get old very fast,and could very well destroy any chance of this working long term.
I rarely ever fought in most of my healthy serious relationships. Respectful disagreements or differences of opinion? Yes, all the time.
You both need to learn how to listen, hear, and respond without so much drama.
Who LIKES to be TOLD what to do?? That just seems to be a silly statement. Toddlers react that way. But people who love each other should be able to share their feelings and opinions-and respect one another, and accept feedback.
If you both have to be right, you will find yourselves right and alone. That is not how mature, solid, relationships work. NO ONE is right all the time.November 14, 2017 at 6:01 pm #666912
When someone tells another what to do it can be unsettling….this is where humor can come in to break the tension before a fight starts.
You can have a light hearted response ready such as, “Your wish is my command oh light of my life”…then chuckle. If you keep hard things light he may catch on and start his own sayings.
This signals the other person they are being controlling or demanding but not with teeth in it.
Use your creativity to come up with your own responses…it could be fun.