Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › How to not be so involved in the early stages of dating
- This topic has 7 replies and was last updated 6 years, 10 months ago by
Jay.
-
AuthorPosts
-
Lulu
Within this year I have dated a few guys. I have gotten to the point in my life that I am very happy and settled that I want to find that someone, but I feel that I get so caught up in what guys say in the early stages of dating, I think it’s going somewhere and then it doesn’t.
I just met a guy online. We were chatting back and forth for about two weeks and had our first date last Tuesday. Our second date was last Friday and he has been the one initiating texting conversations and planning the dates. We are going hiking today and to Medieval Times this Friday. I feel we have so much in common, it’s so easy to talk to him, I don’t have to hide my true self from him, and we can be geeks together (lol). Just the other day he told me a few things that he liked about me. And it really does seem like he does. But it always seems that way with his I like in the beginning. How do I keep myself from thinking too much into it this early? I know I need to just be myself and continue living my life. I have two other dates with two other guys this week, but I have never experienced this kind of closeness (i.e. how easy it is and how much we have in common) with someone in a VERY long time. I don’t know if he is the one but I am hopeful….so how do I not overbook everything this early on?
Lane
I find the best dating formula is when guy is far more into you than you are him. If you’re more into him than he is you the lady unwittingly sends off a vibe that they can detect, like a radar beam, and begin to pull or completely fade away.
Just keep allowing him to lead, be who you are, and go into it with zero expectations that it will evolve into anything meaningful. The fact that your dating should HELP with this because it keeps you busy and focused on other things and not him. Keeping busy, relaxed, calm and cool during the initial phase while paying close attention to his ACTIONS, not words alone, is critical so not to get overly invested too soon.
Act like a Lady, but think like man :-) Men don’t date to get into a relationship, they do it to fill up their spare time. IF that special lady happens to come along who he continues to create pleasurable [non-sexual] memories with over a period of time (2-3 months on avg.), only THEN will he even CONSIDER possibly making a commitment to her. However, even if he commits they still remain on the fence and continue to test you out because if you change or act much differently after the honeymoon phase (which you’re in), he can break up with you at any time.
Lulu
Okay. I am certain I can do this. I don’t know about the dating multiple guys at the same time, but it is worth the try. So far his actions are showing interest. He is the one who plans our next date while in the middle of a date, wraps his arms around me, kissed me on our second date, told his brother about me on our second date…So I need to keep myself focused on the rest of my life as I was. I have no reason to worry and I just need to focus on that. It is so strange to have such a strong connection with someone and not want more from it. I am willing to try.
star
Hey Lulu,
Props to the geeks — we rule the world ;)
LEAVE FEAR BEHIND. Just by you fearing that the relationship may go down that road, your attitude will take you down that road. Chill out and enjoy the ride. Yeah, I know it sounds like a cliche but! Wouldn’t you enjoy even more the good feelings if you weren’t fearing they’d disappear?
After all, if things go wrong, there will be time for you to feel sad then. No need to feel sad now anticipating the bad stuff. It takes twice the effort!
Besides, I hardly believe you would ever feel more heartbroken for opening up and investing in a relationship. My personal experience is that the opposite holds true. I regret it big time when a relationship comes to an end and leaves me wondering, “perhaps if I had just enjoyed it instead of worrying and trying to protect me it wouldn’t have finished”. Not cool at all.
May the force be with you!
Ali
I have this issue too. I changed it though by actively changing my way of thinking. If I started to think too far ahead with a guy, I’d remind myself how silly that is since I barely know this person. Take it one date at a time. Don’t start acting like his gf or being too accommodating too soon.
Read the article on here 5 ways to ruin a budding relationship. Maybe a couple times so it sinks in ;)
Violet
Ali hit the nail on the head. I used to have a massive problem with this – a guy would tick certain boxes and I’d instantly get really invested in him, and keep hoping that it would work out.
What I learned is that you have to view dating more like you’re giving a car a trial run. (This is how men view dating btw). Know what you want, and after the first date stop looking at “qualities” – screen for behaviour. Watch his actions. It’s one thing to vibe with someone; it’s another thing as to whether they’d be good bf material. Only their actions will tell you that.
I think it probably takes at least 8 dates / two months to get a proper sense of a person. Before that you’re mostly seeing their best face, and your own projections.
Ann
This thread has helped me…
The phrase “take it one date at a time” really resonates. I invest WAY too much, too soon.
Thank you!
Jay
Hi All, guy here.
While some of the representations are somewhat overly simplified and too broad (I very much disagree that men only date to fill their time), I liked this thread and agree taking it one date/step at a time is the best way to go.
I’m on this thread because I had the very same issue as OP, so no. Men don’t just date because they’re bored. We get quite invested and want more and need to remind ourselves of patience as well. :)
-
AuthorPosts
