This topic contains 17 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Hannah 4 months ago.
February 19, 2018 at 5:24 pm #689774
I finally have an advice to ask you dear ladies. I seem to attract a type of guy, who has obvious issues, usually a bit of mysoginy, non-commitment, minimal effort etc. I know I attract them because it’s the vibe I put out. Some of them hang around a long time unless I literally block them, tell them to get lost. Whenever I question their intentions they get defensive and blame me for being too black and white. I’m sick of it. What do you recommend I do? Just block them and move on? Or keep it professional only if I need to interact with them? Wait for someone, whom I like and who likes and respect me too? Thank you!
February 19, 2018 at 5:35 pm #689775
Are your friends that type as well? I bet not. So how did you find your friends?
I dont know why you attract that type, but if i recall you work in a highly competitive male dominated profession in a city that is full with big ego’s. Plus if you done all you wanted to accomplish in your own, you might have a strong vibe.
So yes i would stay professional unless they are getting stalkerish and try to figure out what kind of guy you like. Ask your friends for single guys maybe. Because the type youre describing sound depressing to meFebruary 19, 2018 at 5:50 pm #689777
Thank you Newbie, I was afraid you would say that. I am quite accomplished in this highly competitive field (construction in New York City) and a threat to their egos most definitely. It’s something I’ve been fighting since I first started working many years ago when I looked/ was anything but intimidating and it’s only gotten worse over the years.
You’re right, my friends are the opposite and most of them I met in school/ work years ago and they are extremely supportive and lovely and great. The guys in question I have all met through work and they are indeed extremely depressing, except for one, who was lovely, but I couldn’t fall in love with him. I’m afraid that I am somewhat attracted to the misery and grind of the job and everything that comes with it, including the depressive dudes and the effort that goes into proving them wrong. Thanks again for your response!February 19, 2018 at 5:59 pm #689779
Yeah, thats not an easy mix lol. I worked in an architecture office and i have found the photographers were always quite nice. So i would definitely try to force yourself out of the work vibe and see an exhibition every two weeks or so and flirt like crazy.February 19, 2018 at 6:00 pm #689780
Alia only you can figure it out. But by comparison some men MUST have women who are clearly “below” them, whichever way you look. These men HAVE to feel superior, better, smarter etc. When a woman is way way “less” they feel confident with her and have no need to “attack” or prove anything, so even misogyny doesn’t kick in. I know several couples of this type. Women are not even pretty, unattractive I’d say. But these “misogynistic” guys treat them very well!! Why? because they feel good about themselves in the company of these women, who, needless to say, do not say a word against them, do not argue, do as they are told, being thankful to have a man.
Maybe you are attracted to men with problems because you don’t feel confident with “normal” men? Do you brush them away as soon as you notice those things or do you “work” on things?
Try walking away right away. You can send an email saying I am sorry it was nice knowing you but we are not a good match, but I wish you all the best. That’s all. Why is it an issue for you? Why do you feel you have to stick around?February 19, 2018 at 6:09 pm #689783
Have you considered a form of counseling? Im doing it right now solely for myself and its a huge relieve. In my case it has nothing to do with relationships, but i noticed that now some lady tells me i had to do almost everything on my own for the biggest part of my life. And that is so nice let my guard down and and feel re-energized. In a better more complete way. I dont know if that makes sense to you thoughFebruary 19, 2018 at 6:22 pm #689788
Just tell them you’re not interested. Ignore them if they message, call, etc. If it bothers you or upsets you, block them. And don’t be too hard on yourself. We all meet a ton of ppl who are the wrong one until we meet the right one for us. It doesn’t mean you’re doing anything that attracts wrong men. It’s just how dating goes.February 19, 2018 at 6:31 pm #689789
Thank you for answering. I have done counseling and I made big progress in counseling about 3 years ago, but I could definitely use some more and I agree that it may be time for more.. The women in my family are by enlarge very accomplished and independent and I’m sure a lot of it stems from that upbringing and the relationships I’ve had to model mine from have been shaky and stressed and dysfunctional. I do indeed have felt bored and freaked out by the so called normal men, but then again I’m afraid in trusting my judgement whether some of them were clingy or was it me? Or was it a little of both? I’m the so called fearful avoidant per attachment theory, but I remember testing as secure attached when I was in therapy. I will go back to therapy. Great advice. Thank you!February 19, 2018 at 6:50 pm #689792
if you need to get facts about your men and who really takes you serious there is a way you can get to know which i have tired before its all about getting to know the truth and fact so you wont make mistakes.
if you need this service you can contact firstname.lastname@example.org, the best move i ever usedFebruary 19, 2018 at 8:07 pm #689804
Youre a long time forum member and youre very solid. I feel a connection like i feel with Hannah as well. When you are really independent, its really hard to be vunerable etc. You just call it bs lol. Go for a summer romance, book a flight to whatever land😄February 19, 2018 at 8:13 pm #689806
I toughened up real young with my mom being an alcoholic so fixing everything for myself was my thing. I wasnt a victim, i was a survivor. But sometimes you cant control everything amd you lose touch with yourself. Time to give yourself some kudos for what you have accomplished and yes do the counselling again. I must sound sappy lolFebruary 19, 2018 at 8:42 pm #689808
If you want to meet men who are different then you have to hang out in those environments…do volunteer work….hang out in museums….join book clubs…get involved in church.
Go places that are not construction.February 20, 2018 at 2:32 pm #689897
You are a beautiful & talented woman…
Meet guys who are in a different field… I’m thinking lawyer for You!February 20, 2018 at 3:14 pm #689905
“I seem to attract a type of guy, who has obvious issues, usually a bit of mysoginy, non-commitment, minimal effort etc. “He
Why do you believe your thoughts/feelings are 100% correct while completely invalidating the thoughts/feelings of the men you say are interested in you?February 20, 2018 at 3:28 pm #689908
“Meet guys who are in a different field… I’m thinking lawyer for You! ”
I am 100% sure that if the OP was a male construction worker no women in the world would ever suggest even in fun that he consider dating a female lawyer! However it is perfectly okay to suggest dating people way out of their league when it is a female looking for a man?
Oh by-the-way men are only cold,distant and dismissive to colleagues who they know are not up to the demands of the job. Men know that they better be able to do a job or they’ll be torn to shreds by their colleagues so they only apply for positions that they know for certain they can command respect from the start in. Women don’t do any of this. They think that they should be given a STEM job even if they have zero skills,training and experience. A woman who doesn’t get her dream job doesn’t consider it was her lack of skills that failed to get her the job. No it was misogyny pure and simple.
Ladies if you are having a tough time with male colleagues it is not because they have you or want the workplace to a boys only,it is because they see you as being incompetent at the job. Men love people who are genuinely skilled at something and they don’t care a fig about that person’s sex,sexual orientation or skin colour.February 20, 2018 at 3:50 pm #689910
Stephen, you’re blowing smoke out of your a**February 20, 2018 at 6:15 pm #689918
Hi Alia-I highly recommend-“Are You the One for Me?” by Barbara DeAngelis. It is hands down the best dating /relationship book I have ever read. It even helps you personalise her advice for you, You can make an assessment chart and test how compatible you may be with a particular guy and what areas are going to be issues for you. Order it now-it is really amazing. I have read and re-read it and finally have a great man in my life.February 21, 2018 at 3:07 am #689946
Stephen, a female friend of mine is very, very high up in the UK military and is currently in a happy relationship with a man who does a menial job. Go away with your silly prejudices. Alia also didn’t say she had a problem with colleagues but the men she finds to date.
Alia, talking about my friend I mentioned to Stephen, it may apply to you too. For years, she met men from work and none of them were right for her. She is often the only woman working with a lot of men and I think she has to put on a certain persona at work, which attracts total losers. She’s also so used to seeing men as colleagues, I think she misses subtle signs when men are flirting with her.
She totally gave up on finding a man but last summer, we went out and she randomly met a man in a bar. She didn’t even notice he kept looking at her and trying to talk to her until I pointed it out! They’ve been together 9 months now.
What I’m saying is try different people. Ones you don’t work with and don’t see the business side of you. Certain professions attract certain people. I’m sure there’s a lot of misogyny in construction, just like the military. Find someone away from all of that.
Also remember when you go out, leave work mode behind. Look at men you meet out of work differently. If you go to a bar, look around you. Look to see who’s looking at you. All you have to do is give them a nice smile and they’ll be straight over! Channel your sexiness and femininity in a way you never could while working. It’s fun and liberating, plus it does wonders for the ego!
I just think, if something isn’t working, try something different.
If these guys are colleagues, I wouldn’t block them, just ignore them.