How to get an Avoidant-Personality Ex Back?


Home Forums How To Get My Ex Back How to get an Avoidant-Personality Ex Back?

This topic contains 75 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Niamh ODriscoll 6 years, 9 months ago.

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  • #480420 Reply

    Sara

    I was with my ex for 2 years. After over a year, he’d never said “I love you.” Seemed so emotionally closed off — I knew nothing about his feelings, his future plans or dreams — if I asked he’d say “I don’t make plans far in the future. I’ll see when the time comes.” Would refer to how his upbringing (in a poor 3rd world country) taught him not to plan for anything and “the world is not a rosy place” but would not ellaborate. He also didn’t ask me many questions or seem interested in getting to know me on a deep level. Even on 2nd date he wanted me to come to his place and watch a movie, I responded I wasn’t looking for a hookup, he took me to get ice cream then proceeded to take me back down to his place. I knew nothing about his family (let alone meeting them, or even Skyping with them, as they were overseas and he hadn’t bothered to visit them himself in 10 years. Eventually talked to his sis through facebook and she said “Can you please make him care more about the family, I feel he has forgotten all of us.” He’d respond to most of my stories or conversation starters with, “That’s good.” Would text me maybe once a night, but forget phone calls.

    Well after a year, I was feeling insecure about it all. He’d randomly stop having sex with me “because I’m a Christian and it’s wrong and not the way to build the right foundtaion for marriage”… YET he was the one pushing sex hard from date 1! Eventually he resumed, then stopped again another time for like a month. I’d come over his place and he’d just sit in the office doing work all night, when his job didn’t even mandate he finish that work urgently…And he declared “Work will be my priority, not you, for at least years to come.” Eventually I tell him “I don’t know if we’re on the same page, I mean you haven’t even told me ‘I love you’ back when I’ve said it for months, and I’m not sure you eventually want the kind of future – marriage, kids, whatever- that I do.” He goes “I do love you, I’ve never said that to any girl before.” (He dated his ex for 3 years.) “I do want marriage and kids with you when I decide the time is right.” I ended up giving him a hug, then going out bc he knew I had plans with my best girlffriend already. Well, later by reading his texts, I find out that he’d texted a single girl from his summer job and asked her to meet him up at the bar alone. She couldn’t join, but he proceeds to spend the next week flirting with her, asking for pics, etc even while going out and having sex with me. Saved her as a guy friend’s name on his phone and then deleted the texts (I saw them before he did). Much later when I confront him, he claims he considered us “broken up” at the time. News to me!! Regardless, a month later she’s texting and asking her if he’ll come over her place and drink once she’s back in town. He says “definitely.”

    So after that incident it was hard for me to trust him again. And hard for me to trust that him assuring me of a future wasn’t him just throwing me a bone to shut me up. Yes he asked me to move in, but his buddy texted and said to him, “May as well get a ring and make it official?”, and my BF’s response was just “I’m warming up to her moving in bc it’s nice to only pay 1/2 the rent.” Later he assured me my name was on the lease — actually forwarded me an online lease for me to sign, with our landlord’s name etc, then later I find out that she never signed it (which my boyfriend knew , while continuing to make me think I was on the lease and collecting rent from me).

    From the very first time I brought up moving in together… or the subject of marriage… or anything about future, every time he broke up with me and only got back together after watching me cry for days. And then he wouldn’t discuss, just went back to actlng like things were fine. Now he broke up with me a few months ago. He has reservations about seeing me again though he admits he misses me, because “I warned you that if you kept wanting to discuss marriage or the future, I’d dump you.” (He couldn’t even give an approximate timetable like “in a couple of years we’ll get engaged.”) BUT I called him last Friday night and he stayed on phone with me for 1.5 hours!! Very quiet but that’s his normal self. So now I’m encouraged. How do I convince him I miss and need him so much that I’ll shut up about future discussions for good?
    More info/ when I asked about his previous GF once he said, after 3.5 years “she wanted to talk about getting engaged and I didn’t so we fought and I dumped her.” later I found out she had confronted him about texting other women “hey sexy” immediately after having sex with his GF, and when she confronts him about it, he dumped her. And said the GF must be crazy because he was just “joking” with the “friend” to whom he sent the flirty messages. So based on all these tendencies is there any real way to get this guy to love me??

    #480427 Reply

    Kate

    I have to ask….why would you want him to? He sounds horribly unpleasant and he treats you terribly. What do you think is good about this relationship and why do you want this man in your life?

    #480430 Reply

    Sara

    Thanks for your questions. I love that he’s such a strong man who doesn’t get emotionally affected by anything, just has the confidence to do what he wants and doesn’t care what others think. Because it’s so clear he doesn’t “need” people (didn’t even visit his family in over a decade, wouldn’t dream of saying he missed them or any emotion, etc), when he does choose me I feel incredibly special and happy.

    #480433 Reply

    Andy

    The guy has commitment issues, and on top of that, there’s the possibility that this guy is cheating on you. Best case, trying to set himself up so he can move on to another girl, and you want him to love you? Is this what girls are looking for these days? You seem to be in love, and don’t want to let go of those feelings. My opinion is that he should have loved you within a year. As I posted in another topic, if your feelings aren’t being reciprocated, Get Out!

    #480434 Reply

    Kate

    Sara…you say he isn’t emotionally affected by anything and doesn’t need anyone. Unfortunately, this includes you. From what you’ve said, he may be incapable of loving anyone. If he is unable or unwilling to ever be vulnerable, he cannot truly love.

    WHEN he chooses you he makes you feel special and happy? Sara, you are special regardless of how he feels about you and once you realize that, you will then be able to find happiness without him. You will be able to find a man who chooses you ALL of the time. That’s what you deserve.

    You think he’s strong, but his inability to be vulnerable and care for a woman who loves him actually makes him weak. Please sweetie…find the strength to leave him for good, spend some time getting to know yourself and all the ways that you are unique and special, and then open your heart to finding a good, loving man with whom you will be happy all the time.

    #480438 Reply

    WaitWhat

    I have been in your shoes. I’ve had someone who kept me at arms length so much that when he focused on me, I really did feel special. He sounds so much like your guy. He, too, was not close with his family (they all moved to another state on the other side of the country and he never visits). Everything was on his terms. If I brought up something that wasn’t on his list of approved topics (like one time while driving in bad weather he was frustrated with my driving… I asked him if he was and he just ignored me… I finally told him, “It’s ok to be frustrated!) he ignored me. Even when I last said goodbye to him on the phone and said I’d miss him he said NOTHING. He just sat there. Not even a “Wow, thanks.” NOTHING. Yet when he wanted emotional support or someone to talk to, he’d always be in touch. Everything he did was from a very selfish place. And I loved every minute of it.

    Why?

    Well, I, too, was emotionally unavailable. I also was used to a pattern of “not caring” or indifference = love. That’s how I grew up. That is not love.

    Someone on this forum suggested I read “Bad Boyfriends” by Jeb Kinnison. It was enlightening. Truly. I still veer off into unattached patterns, but can yank myself out of them a lot faster now. I also have a new definition of love.

    What I have learned is that a strong man -is- someone who is emotionally affected. Who can fully connect with someone. Who sees me.

    I know you want this man back, but you have to ask yourself- why do you want him back if everything is going to be the same? Good luck.

    #480452 Reply

    justAGA

    Would getting back with him make you happy? If yes, then there is a way to turn things around. it isn’t easy but it’s possible.

    #480462 Reply

    Stefanie

    I was the one who suggested “Bad Boyfriends” and Sara I will suggest the same to you. We can tell you to wake up and leave this man until the cows come home but the truth is the issue isn’t him, it’s you that you would stay in an arrangement like this for 2 years and still want more. What in your life is this situation replaying? Why don’t you feel you deserve any better? That, no how to get him back, is the real question.

    #480471 Reply

    Sara

    JustAGA, I’m very curious- what do you suggest? He says “I warned you that if you kept bringing up marriage/future then I’d dump you.” Yet admits he
    Misses me and will stay on phone for 1.5 hours even now like I said

    #480473 Reply

    Andrea

    You think he is strong because he is capable of detaching himself from people. But this is a negative as you can see he is hollow. He cant love anyone, not even his own family. Or his roots.

    Will only settle when he decides? Thats good BUT he is forgetting there is a second person needed to settle with. Please dont think you will be the one and only who will get through this WALL he has built to reach his heart. Many women waste many years on this sort of experiment.

    The sort of person who has True strength is someone who can love and give intensely and give all of him/herself BUT also loves himself enough to be able to walk away from something toxic or negative. If you meet a man like that, treat him like Gold. Not the man you describe above.

    #480484 Reply

    Jessica

    Honestly, this sounds like an emotional prison. I feel like I am suffocating just reading your story.

    You can’t talk to him about certain things? Really? I wouldn’t waste another minute on this guy. He’s holding you at arms length, telling you that you aren’t a priority, is emotionally unavailable, unloving, controlling and may even be cheating.

    Please read the book suggested. Do whatever you need to in order to see what is happening here and to get away from it.

    #480487 Reply

    Kate

    Sara,

    You grasped onto the post that offered a method of getting him back instead of reading what everyone else has to say. Yes, it’s possible that you might be able to get him to come back…and cheat on you, use you for rent money, keep you around for sex and attention while NEVER giving you what you want (marriage and family).

    Why would you choose that? He treats you like garbage for two years but because he said he misses you and stays on the phone for an hour and a half none of that matters?? I’m sorry to be harsh Sara but you write about it the same way someone with Stockholm Syndrome or PTSD would and my heart aches for you.

    If you want a life where your man never gives you the love you need, never gives you the family you want, cheat on you without even feeling guilty, and keep you around for rent money, then try to get him back. If he doesn’t love his own family enough to stay in contact, what makes you think he can love anyone else? However, there IS life and love on the other side and once you find it, you’ll look at this relationship and wonder how you EVER loved him.

    You mentioned Avoidant Personality. Has he been diagnosed? Because honestly, he sounds more like a sociopath. That’s just a wild guess, of course, but that’s how it reads. Get. Out. Now. Rely on your friends and family for support and never look back.

    #480597 Reply

    Gemini615

    Sorry but are you crazy? You spent the entire post listing his terrible qualities and all he does wrong and then end it asking how to make it work?

    You don’t make it work, you leave. He has serious issues you needs to work out and doing that within the relationship is not the right place for him to be. You cannot heal him and you cannot change him. He has to want to on his own. I can tell you from experience of dating an emotionally unavailable man and being EU myself that nothing anyone else says or does can change that person’s behavior unless they want to.

    I am a very rare case in which mine came back a changed man after I left for good. This is a very recent development and I’m still cautious. I cut all contact with him unexpectedly, didn’t see or talk to him for a long time, blocked his number and really focused on moving on. Little did I know he had been trying to reach me all this time, texting and calling, showed up at my house but I didn’t know…all this from a man who had a hard time communicating with me just once a week before. We only got in touch again because he reached out to my best friend telling her that he needed to talk to me, she relayed the message. When I finally talked to him he poured out all these feelings, stuff he never said before. I was shocked. He doesn’t want to be without me and so far he’s really stepped up; it’s like I’m with a totally different man. He’s even talking marriage but I’m VERY hesitant about marriage and it’s never really been a part of my life plan so I’ve shelved that conversation for now.

    My point is, it took me exiting his life permanently and cutting him off completely for him to get his shit together. There wasn’t any long drawn out emotional conversation like in the past, he wasn’t informed of my decision. I just did it and I didn’t look back. And the only reason I’m giving him this last chance is because he really went out of his way to get in touch with me which he never has done in the past. Also, we are very similar and have a connection that shakes me to my core; he may be the love of my life and I’ve never felt that before and it’s very unsettling, hard for me even to admit. But we wouldn’t even be in this position if I hadn’t walked away and he hadn’t decided to change on his own.

    You cannot control this man or his feelings. You are focused on the wrong thing; stop worrying about how to make it work and start focusing on moving on. If it’s meant to be then maybe it will. But just know it’s not likely. My situation is a very rare outcome and even I am shocked to be in the relationship I am in right now because I never thought it would happen… And yet I still have no idea how it will end up.

    Take care of you first, let him deal with his issues on his own. He is not the right man for you or anyone right now.

    #480603 Reply

    Maria

    Poor poor you!

    Sara, after listing all the horrible things you are asking how to get THAT man to love you? You are in such a deep denial I don’t think you wold be able to hear anything anyone is saying here.

    You are in a terrible “relationship” with a horrible “boyfriend”. He tells you he would “dump you” if you talk marriage? Everything that he does is emotional abuse, cheating, disrespect, usury, what have you. Only physical abuse is missing, for now.

    He talked to you on the phone for 1.5 hours and you feel it is a big “sign” or achievement? Poor you.

    He likes you to love in because you pay half the rent..

    Why oh why do you want him to love you?

    Why don’t you ask us how to get out of this mess? How not to waste anymore of your precious time on this guy? how to find someone who would at least treat you with BASIC respect, I am not even talking romantic.

    How and why would you let yourself in this situation?

    I am hoping that because you listed all these ugly things and came to this forum you are actually getting aware that this is NOT what you need.

    This man will not love you or anyone else in a sense normal people understand love, as being kind, caring, romantic, respectful etc. You are going to waste years on him.

    WALK AWAY before you endure more emotional damage, humiliation, and lose more of your childbearing years. I guarantee you that after this type of a guy, ANY guy will seem like a prince to you. You will think a guy who calls you once a day is in love with you. You need to get out, this is so terrible, why just why women do that to themselves?

    #480606 Reply

    kaye

    Sadly Sara to answer your question there is no way to make a man love you. And from reading your post this guy doesn’t have a single redeeming quality that you have listed which would make me even understand how you can be in love with him!! Even your answer that it’s his confidence and how he’s not emotionally affected by anything makes him sound like a cold unemotional robot. You’ve already wasted 2 years with this guy…do you really want to waste another year and a half like his ex did? Only to have him dump you if you bring up marriage or the future or if you catch him texting another woman? Because that’s all you have to look forward to here from what you’ve said.

    And really it is such a red flag for a man to say he doesn’t plan for the future and his poor upbringing taught him not to plan for anything. That’s just ridiculous! People who fail to plan…plan to fail. Does he not have any goals or dreams for his life? He sounds like an incredibly miserable person quite frankly. He doesn’t care about his family, he doesn’t care about you, he plays some game by withholding sex, he ignores you in the office working and tells you “work will be my priority, not you” and he texts other women about meeting for drinks, pictures, etc. You say “every time he broke up with me and only got back together after watching me cry for days.” How many times will he have to break up with you before you get tired of this?

    I really think you have some underlying issues, possibly some rejection or abandonment issues in your past from a parent or loved one, where you didn’t think you were good enough and just earning their love and admiration was your goal. Because that is what you are doing here. You are equating his love with making you feel special and happy. You don’t need a man to feel special and happy. And from everything you’ve said all this man does is make you miserable. Please open your eyes and realize he has done you a favor by leaving again and this time let him STAY GONE!

    #480619 Reply

    WaitWhat

    Stefanie- thanks for reminding me it was you! Now that should be easy to remember because we share the same first name. It really was a helpful book.

    #480634 Reply

    hannah

    A strong man is capable of expressing his vulnerability. A weak man is not. He’ll worry it will in some way weaken him and he doesn’t have the confidence to show people his true self.

    He’s not strong. He just doesn’t care about you. Simple as that!

    #480688 Reply

    Sara

    What man would say “I will marry you someday when I decide the time is right, but you have to stop talking /asking about it” unless he truly loved you?? The only reason I doubted was bc after the first time he said that (14 months in), he immediately tried to sneak out to a bar at midnight w a single girl when I had plans with my best girlfriend. And then the next few weeks he kept flirting, asking for pics etc. but he was probably feeling nervous and pressured

    #480689 Reply

    WaitWhat

    Oh, Sara. A man who is trying to keep you around for his own convenience would say “I will marry you someday when I decide the time is right, but you have to stop talking /asking about it”

    Even when telling me that I was not sexually attractive the guy I was seeing had said, “I even thought about what it would be like to marry you.” It’s not something he’s doing on purpose, most likely but he’s seeing if a vague promise of the future, yet totally on his terms, will keep you around. And it has so far.

    Imo, if he really, truly loved you… he would not feel the need for any “but…” That’s highly conditional. And I find that people who speak in such ways seldom ever do the thing they actually promise.

    #480690 Reply

    Kate

    So, it’s your fault that he tried to cheat on you? Because after 14 months you wanted to know that you had a future with him?

    I give up.

    #480691 Reply

    Stefanie

    Sara dear. You’ve been brainwashed or kidnapped by aliens. REALLY? You’re breaking our hearts here. This is such low self esteem.

    #480693 Reply

    Hannah

    Sara is this post a joke? I can’t believe that last post of yours was serious.

    #480694 Reply

    Sara

    Please help me. I can’t live with knowing he’s
    Just thrown me aside.

    #480700 Reply

    Gemini615

    You HAVE been given help; everyone has advised you to leave this dead end relationship. If you’re not going to seriously take the advice given then why are you here? If you’re looking for someone to tell you to stay with him then you’ll be waiting a long time cuz I don’t think anyone in their right mind would advise you of that

    #480713 Reply

    Maria

    I had a feeling that you would not hear any of what is being said here, Sara. You are in a complete denial of what is happening.

    Kaye explained it so well, but you still do not see any of it.

    “What man would say it?” Many men who would want to lead you on. Men say a lot of things.

    “but he was probably feeling nervous and pressured” – are you seriously saying this?

    Sara, please open your eyes. You have this type of things when a victim falls for their kidnapper. It happens when you get so emotionally abused that the only way to function normally is to imagine things and to be in denial. Otherwise you’d be upset every single minute of the day.

    Reread what other women were telling you, many experienced abused before and managed to get out, learned a lot, so please listen to them and try to understand what’s going on. You can’t possibly be THAT naive.

    Getting this person to love you is not a “win”. You need to understand that. You are in a trap, which would lead to an unhappy life where you are treated like a disposable doormat. Why are you so desperate and value yourself so little? Don’t you want to have a normal relationship like so many women have? You’ve been in this abuse for 2 years already, you don’t see what it’s done to you.

    I so hope you reread this threat, including your own post, again and again. You need to get out of this relationship, and the sooner the better.

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