How do you know if you're exclusive?


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  • #889298 Reply
    Ryan Elder

    I went on four dates with a woman I like going on fifth now, but how do you know if you are just exclusive with that person or not? I feel like I may come off as appearing to rush it if I ask, but is this something to normally ask on a fifth date, or no?

    #889348 Reply
    Louise

    Hi, I just made a post about exclusivity with a guy a few weeks ago, and I broke it off with him just a week ago.

    He taught me everything I needed to know about exclusive dating. You should read my post on His Online Account is still active. There are lots of posters that have given me great tips.

    After 1 month or 2 months of dating, you should already know where you are heading in your relationship. I thought exclusivity meant boyfriend and girlfriend, but sometimes, men or women don’t want to put a label on it. I dated a guy and we agreed to be exclusive, I assumed we were boyfriend and girlfriend but to him, we were just hanging out. He was still online dating after we had a talk of exclusivety.

    Exclusive doesn’t really mean you’re in a relationship though. It just means you’re not sleeping with other people. In my world any way I can be wrong.
    And yes I waited way too long to have this talk, I waited 6 months, and to be honest if a guy really wanted to be with me he would have asked me if I was seeing others within a month or 2 of dating. Some guys don’t though. I needed to ask him what exclusivity meant to him. There’s a difference between exclusive dating and exclusively in a relationship where you’re boyfriend and girlfriend. I’ve realised men want to commit within 3 – 4 months of dating. The whole point of dating exclusively is that it EXCLUDES other people and you focus on getting to know each other better.

    My best friend told me that exclusivity doesn’t mean boyfriend and girlfriend, he just likes to hang out with me. I told her despite spending 4–5 nights a week together, going out on weekends, taking me to dinner, the movies, calling, texting, bringing me gifts… you know, acting like a boyfriend after having the talk of being exclusive.

    We had a routine. We had sex and companionship on lock. He knew I wasn’t going anywhere and guess what? According to him we weren’t even dating. We were just “hanging out”. She told me that if he’s not calling me his girlfriend, then I’m not his girlfriend.

    Hope that helps.

    #889381 Reply
    Ewa

    Louise,

    how do you feel now though? I know that you have ended it, but is this guy still reaching out or he just let you go?

    #889407 Reply
    Louise

    He texted me last night to ask me to talk and he is sorry he spoke to me in that way about the confrontation. He said he agreed to exclusivity cos he thought I was a nice girl and that he liked my company. He thought he was ready for a relationship and taking a risk but since we were just hanging out, he’s afraid to get close to me. I didn’t text him back cos he gave me all the answers.

    #889411 Reply
    Ewa

    yes you responded well, should be proud of yourself :)

    #889417 Reply
    Liz Lemon

    To the OP: You should ask. You should never assume something like exclusivity when dating. Also, think about what exclusivity means to you– as Louise has shown, it means different things to different people. I think most people would agree that dating exclusively means you are not seeing or talking to other people, and you are not active on dating apps.

    Out of curiosity, how long have you been dating? You said it’s been 4, going on 5 dates– I assume you’ve been dating at least a month?

    #889442 Reply
    KarinaDogLover

    This is such an interesting topic. I am very curious to see responses from different people. After reading Louise’s story,I notice I am completely out of touch with reality and nowadays dating world.

    I am not even that old, I am in my mid 40s. But I never did the exclusive talk, nor being asked when I was younger (being asked by Jerry was kind of the first time, my story is on another thread). I dated a few guys I met through dating site and I met my ex on POF. I noticed I was being a little naive, I usually only talked with one person at a time. I did not expect so many are doing multiple interests at a time. Even my ex admitted to me, when he started talking to me online, he was also talking to someone else. He arranged to meet her first but she cancelled on him and never rearrange another meeting. Then he met me and we hit it off. I made fun of him saying “So I was only a second choice at the time.” Now that thinking about it, I was never even one second thought of asking about exclusive…

    So how does it work? When we meet someone and hang out, that’s not a date. Then when it starts to become a date? How do you know you are hanging out or dating?

    Then when is the right time to turn dating exclusively?

    And how and when dating exclusively turning into a relationship?

    Is there any specific “rules” on length of time?

    #889470 Reply
    Maddie

    OP, have you spoken at all about what you’re both looking for in general, relationship goals? If not, doing so may be a better way to feel her out than coming out and asking to be exclusive on the 5th date (which may or may not be rushed depending on how often you see each other and how frequently you talk between dates). You can tell her you’re ideally looking for a relationship and are enjoying getting to know her, and ask what she’s looking for. That’ll give you a better sense if you’re currently on the same page with the same goals and if she seems enthusiastic about the conversation, which then may organically lead to the discussion turning to when you’re both comfortable with exclusivity. Or that she’s not there yet or not even looking for the same things (some people prefer casual connections and don’t want relationships). If she’s not into commitment in general, it’s better to know that sooner than later.

    I agree with other posters that you’re better off communicating and clarifying if/when you are exclusive than not doing so and just assuming.

    #889472 Reply
    Louise

    Thanks Ewa,

    Yes, I feel so stupid not knowing, and I let him take advantage, I really don’t know why some men can abuse women like that since my dating history has been old fashioned. I had been in two long term relationships so dating is something new to me.

    #889505 Reply
    Ryan Elder

    Oh okay thanks for the advice! It’s just that I went on three dates with another woman as well, and I like them both but I don’t want to ruin anything by not being exclusive if they expect to be.

    So should I ask them then, and then if they say they are thinking we are exclusive, I should then choose which one then?

    #890873 Reply
    Lane

    Ryan, until you are fully ready to be a ladies BF, don’t talk about or mention it. Only when you are ready to devote your time, and energy, on one lady, should you bring it up. Do not use the term exclusivity, as its not as well defined as the term “girlfriend” is, so use that one when you decide which one you want to invest in, and see where it goes.

    Majority of my BF’s simply referred to me as their GF, where it came out naturally, such as “this is my GF Lane” or while conversing he would blurt out “I told them my GF and I were….” that’s how I knew we were officially a couple lol.

    Although there were times nothing need to be said because he was devoting all his time with me from the very beginning, so we just naturally became a couple when I chose him out of a few others I was getting to know without the need for any words. One night, while spending my time with him, I just stuck my hand in his back pocket, he said “really” I nodded yes, and that’s how my now ex husband started out. My current partner did ‘the blurt’ haha.

    Needless to say there are many different ways to go about it but the best method is to do it naturally because it feels right when you refer to her as your GF for the first time :o)

    #891007 Reply
    Maddie

    You should choose based on who you want to be with, not based on choosing the option by default who is willing to stick around… advice not to broach this as an exclusivity or bf/gf official conversation until you’ve decided what you want is good. Most women aren’t expecting exclusivity that fast unless you’re sleeping together already.

    I still say have conversations with both about what type of relationships you’re all looking for in general in life to make sure you’re all compatible before moving things over to an exclusivity conversation. If you’re still multi-dating, you’re really not ready to have an exclusivity conversation anyway. If you talk to them both about being exclusive (rather than just asking what they’re looking for in general) and they think you’re going in that direction only for you to choose the OTHER woman because you’ve put the cart before the horse so to speak by asking if they want exclusivity with you before you decide what you’re willing to give, they’ll rightfully get pissed off at you and feel misled.

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