How do you "go with the flow?"

Hi Bec.

Going with the flow essentially means you aren’t planning your wedding day by the third date and that if it doesn’t work out you will be perfectly fine because a man doesn’t define who you are.

For instance, with most of BF’s I just “went with the flow” by being in the present, enjoying each other’s company and not worrying about details or planning an unknown future because I was very independent and confident enough in myself that I didn’t need to rely on a man to validate my worth. In a nutshell, I was content whether I was single or seeing someone. It was usually the opposite with me where the guys were more on edge in relationships because they knew I didn’t put up with bull crap and would walk away without a thought if I became unhappy with them. I’m usually the one who bolted (broke up) with men so I didn’t have the insecurities most women do.

Today, my guy of over 18 months knows I will walk if he pushes me to that point and he did last week where I have REFUSED to take his calls over the past few days when he acted like a petulant child, he’s 53 BTW. I don’t put up with bull crap because once you do they will take advantage of it and the only person you can blame is yourself—I refuse to play games.

To me going with the flow means living in the moment. Spontaneous, without a plan. Only thing is you don’t go with somebody else’s flow, have your own flow. If you flow with somebody else’s flow, that’s great, just be careful where they take you. Get off if you don’t like the ride. When a guy say’s go with the flow, or something like that…without my even asking, they’ll say lets just see where things go (or something to that effect), I will say “what if I don’t want it to “go” anywhere?

It’s a matter of disregarding conventions that do not suit you, after evaluating what they have actually done for you and if you have realized that they are ultimately unsatisfying. For example, what do you think is going to happen when you find a man you commit to, move in together, get married, etc.? Look around you, and see what others’ lives seem to be like in their partnered relationships. Decide if its for you. Don’t get stuck with a mindset of a social construct that may be antiquated for many people. As you can look at the high divorce rate, and that it increases with each subsequent marriage. Life is short. Live for today.

Do your own thing, but do not put up with disrespect by letting anyone take advantage of your flexibility and openness.

oops, meant “put a guy…” (not out)

Wow lane! And you are not even making a thread out of it! How do you manage to remain so aloof! Its a great example, if more women were like this, having standards and not letting them get away with their crap, that would teach them how to behave and treat women. The problem is, bio-clock ticking, Many settle for less, making all kinds of excuses for them (but he wasnt so bad after all, but i need the sex, but where do i find another one now etc etc). Its sad and pathetic. We are the queens, lets start acting like that! Half of the questions have obvious answeres, a Man who sees you as the one, WILL come back for you, and lets you get away with a murder, Other than that, not worth it. Bye felisha, Haha. Thumbs up Lane, for staying above the ground ????.

Wow lane that’s amazing! That’s awesome you know your worth.
I know mine too I just went through a pretty bad time and a guy I was with caught me at a very vulnerable moment and unfortunately I did let him walk all over me. It’s been 2 years since then and I’ve done a lot of soul searching and working on myself. I am mostly happy with my life, I have a job, great friends and will be returning to uni next year I think because this guy is just so great I’m just scared of becoming the same girl I was in my past relationship even though I’ve changed immensely since then.
I can’t seem to find a balance between opening up enough so he can see who I am and whether we are compatible and keeping mystery. I can’t help but have a guard up and I try to let it down and then when one of my insecurities kick in the wall goes straight up and I push away.
He’s been very patient with me but I can’t seem to find a nice balance. I guess this being my first dating thing since my ex it was always going to be harder for me.
Thank you everyone for your comments and opinions
Keep them coming they are so helpful

Thank you everyone

Bec, I think Lane gave you the best possible advice. It will be so much easier for you to “go with the flow” if you make sure you keep your life without him running. Keep your hobbies (or find a new one), read books, go out with your friends, spend time with your family, every day think of all the blessings you have and have nothing to do with him. You need to truly believe you will be fine if it doesn’t work out between the two of you. This was what helped me the most when I was struggling with the ghosts of the part relationship at the beginning of the new one.

I know this is an old post, but maybe my comments will help another lady interact with a man in a respectful way..

@Joe – little fella, you are getting even on my very patient nerves!

“Interact respectively with a man”??? In Lane’s case, it was the man who was disrespectful, she called twice and he ignored her twice, each time for several days. What is your problem? You can’t read? Ignoring a woman you are seeing is not disrespectful?

Ladies, you don’t need to be queens, it is not about being a queen or a princess, it is about not putting up with disrespect and neglectful treatment. But I agree if all women learned how not to allow this, men would have to evolve, for the benefit of all of us. LOL

I agree it’s about just relaxing and knowing you’ll be absolutely fine if things go wrong. Remind yourself you were happy without him before he came along, so you’ll be happy without him if it doesn’t work out.

There’s no point stressing and worrying because the only thing that does is bring friction and negativity to the relationship….2 things that can kill off a budding connection with someone.

Lane can give good advice. However, i agree I need this case that she can be a sarcastic ass. She claims she is the cool girl and is flirty by nature, Yama Yada. The reality is that she was never all into this man. Isn’t he the guy who works on a ship for months ata time? And you have been with him for over a year and just said it was all going so well. And the same guy she told she doesn’t have much time for anyway because she is so busy with her business.? It’s not that cavalier to dump a man you aren’t that into and rarely see anyway. Men have feelings too and even without understand the cont txt what she said was hurtful.especially in front of other people. Lane is a ball buster. Men want a woman who respects him. If only lane could practice what she preached because if another woman said this she would have been all over that woman about making the man feel unmanly or unappreciated. It mighta been needy or silly for him to go quiet but he was probably taking space. Another concept that Lane preaches. What I didn’t hear was an apology to him. Just that she was mad he ignored her, and if this happened once before so she dumped him. He is probably better off so he can meet a girl that really likes him and wants him. Passive aggressive isn’t the best way to handle things but neither is shaming someone in public. You minimize his feelings and then dump him because he has bad behavior? He is luckier than he will ever know.