This topic contains 15 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Anna12 8 months, 3 weeks ago.
July 7, 2013 at 6:10 pm #21597
Was hoping someone could advise.
At work I had a guy that I fancy who was chasing me, he was coming to my office all the time with bogus excuses, hovering around me, getting friendly with my colleagues, parking his sporty car next to mines in the car park, we kept bumping into each other in the staff room, hallways etc, he initiated conversations few times when he got the chance, he was joking around with his friend to make me laugh, talking about mobile phones with his friend and trying to involve me to get my number I am guessing (but I didn’t say much so he could not ask). We have always said hello to each other but I have never made too much of a conversation , just small talk because I am shy. I gave him small hints that I may like him but at the same time I sometimes ignored him not appearing too interested…I kind of gave him mixed messages. However I am a private person at work, and I realised that everyone at work knew that this guy fancied me as I made one of colleague come out with it, and it also seemed that they may know that I fancy him too. That really annoyed me to be honest because I did not make anything obvious infront of anyone so felt he must have a big mouth or may be bragging because I’m attractive and 9 years younger than him.
After I found out everyone knows well I was annoyed and it was time of the month (when I get extra emotional and paranoid) so we had a big staff meeting where he came all dressed up, most likely to impress me it seemed. He tried to initiate a conversation with me by hovering around me, and try to say hello multiple times but I just did not give him any attention by looking opposite direction because everyone was there and I did not want everyone to be watching me talking to this guy.
He obviously he got the message at the meeting and since then his disappeared, even though we work in the same building I hardly see him and the few times I have he puts his head down and lowers his gaze. We do say hello to each other, but I have only said it twice since 4 weeks.
I now feel I made a mistake, I should have atleast talk to the guy and got to know what his like and may be be friends. I realised who cares if my work colleagues know, its not like I was sleeping with him or was thinking of sleeping with him.
I don’t see him enough or be in the right place to make a conversation, so he knows I am cool with him.
I don’t want to act needy and chase him around, how do I make him chase me again?
Does anyone know what I should do?
AnnaJuly 7, 2013 at 7:42 pm #21603
Geez Louise poor guy. I would gather the courage to tell him (call him on the phone, figure it out! that think he’s attractive and a good guy, that you know you gave him mixed signals because you had problems with his attention, and now you realize that you would very much like to get to know him better. Then don’t say one other word and see what he says. If he says No, then respect him. If he says yes, then it’s time to act together as a grown woman, not a little girl.July 8, 2013 at 6:31 am #21650
But that will be me chasing him then?
I don’t want to act needy, and its difficult at work I want to keep things professional because gossip does travel like a smelly fart where I work. Not only that I do not want to tell him I’m interested because I want to be friends, to get to know him.
The problem was not with his attention the problem was with everyone else gossiping that annoyed me.
Any other suggestions?, without being so direct (I don’t have his number and its women rules not to ask men and let them ask for your number)
Plus his going to think now that I have stopped chasing her, she’s chasing me.
And actually I do not know if he is a good guy, that is the whole point of getting to know him by being friends so I know if he is good/bad.
There are many players out there who would chase a girl around like he chased me.
AnnaJuly 8, 2013 at 7:35 am #21656
It sounds to me like you want a perfect world, no one to criticize or comment on what you’re doing, him to chase you until you’re ready to respond, divine intervention since you don’t see him and you’re not willing to seek out how to contact him. There is no perfect world.
There is a huge difference between being honest and being needy or chasing.
None of this would be an issue if you returned his interest when he was offering it. As I see it, the best course of action since your freaked about all of this is to let it go and find a guy outside of work–and make sure you progress from hear and learn.July 20, 2013 at 10:16 am #23132
Oh my god, I am so glad I did not return his interest, I cannot believe this guy is 36 years old and acts like the 20 year old guys, it so sad.
I am a decent girl, respectful, don’t sleep around or anything like that.
This guy is a player as it happens (my lucky escape), one of my colleagues told him to leave me alone (not sure if it was serious or joke) and my other colleague said his already got a girl friend and they both said his like that. At this point I was disappointed but glad I knew.
I am a very attractive girl and probably the only attractive in my department as there all older women and mostly men.
I decided there was no need to be funny just cause I found out his not a decent person and just to continue saying hello as normal when we did bump into each other, I did ignore him a few times because I was a bit annoyed. God what a mistake saying hello was…I dont know what his been saying but when I see ppl around me they have grins/laf on their faces, I had his colleagues/friends older men (yuk) giving me the eye and trying aswel. I felt sick. The thing is I have not really done anything and said anything at all, I am worried I may get sexual harassment at work now because of this guy. I think his bragging that I like him, and he was doing that before I ignored him at the meeting thats how everyone knows. Some people who use to say hello to me at work don’t even say hello anymore, so strange.
I recon his the type of guy that likes to brag about himself to other people to make himself feel better.
When I see him again face to face he will say hello, I don’t want to say hello…should I say ‘get lost’…so he defo know I am not interested. Mind you his got a higher post at where we work and has been there for 6 years where I have been in that department for only 17 months.
I am really depressed, I dont want other men looking at me in a dirty ways because I am not like that. Please advise… I am very sad.July 20, 2013 at 12:03 pm #23140
& that’s why you don’t date people you work with.
Ignore what you perceive as other guys leering at you. If someone does say something inappropriate, report them to HR stat.July 20, 2013 at 1:03 pm #23147
gosh never will I ever bother with work people, and that was why I was so reluctant to do anything at the start. Reporting people to HR can be tricky as well.
But thanks I agree definitly its best to keep it out of work so things don’t get messy.July 20, 2013 at 1:55 pm #23148
Wow!! You have created this whole story and drama in your head based on assumptions, gossip and visual ques which are based on your interpretation. You are treating him exactly how you don’t want to be treated. Unless you actually talk to him and get to know him, you have no clue what is going on. Shame on you.July 20, 2013 at 2:37 pm #23151
Listen, it is not in my head that people are behaving strangely towards me, and as for your information all my friends even did not doubt me, because I have had a similar problem 8 years ago with a girl and her male friends and everything I said I noticed turned to be true
ok. Unlike some people I am analytical of my surroundings! and just cannot help that.
I do try and not judge people based on my assumptions of what I see but sometimes it so obvs that you would be thick to pretend it is not true.
Talk to him no way, guys have told me his a player and got a girl friends and he was chasing me around so why would I want to even talk to him, It was because of others advise I continued to say hello to him, if I had listened to myself only than I would not even have this issue now.July 20, 2013 at 2:43 pm #23152
before this none of the men looked at me the way they do now, men were more respectful as I am a lot younger then them also and make men behave respectfully by the way I come across, but it is a coincidence that all of a sudden now I am getting this sort of behavior from men, and I see the guy with these men often or he works with them.
His an immature 36 year old that brags about fancy cars and girls, I mean how many 36 years are still players they grow out of the crap at mid-age, especially him being asian they are usually married by that age. The freak must be going through mid-life crises.July 20, 2013 at 2:58 pm #23161
You are sounding and acting very immature.
Keep it professional. Do not ignore him nor go out of your way to socialize. If he says hello, return the greeting and move on.
I have no idea why this is such a big issue. Guys flirt all the time. Especially guys who are married or in relationships. It can be harmless and they have no intentions of taking it any further. It is not the flirting that is the issue. It is how you handle the flirting.
If you SAY you are not the type of girl to see someone from work or allow yourself to be caught up in such things, than act that way.
You HAVE created more of this than what has actually happened. Did he ask for your number? NO. Did he touch you innappropriately? NO. Did he ask you out? NO.
So WHAT is it that he has done to create so much drama in you? Is it because he only acted flirty and gave you attention?
I believe you are more upset that he stopped. He likely stopped more because of the fact that he realized it was becoming inappropriate. If you are a subordinate in the company his career is at risk. OR, he simply had enough of the flirting with you and has moved on to someone else.
Frankly, I believe people are laughing about the situation because they apparently know his situation and are having fun watching him ‘at work’ using his flirtations on you.
Let it go. Act professional at work. Focus on simply being professional and try not to give people reasons to speculate or gossip. If they believe you had mutual interest in this guy it is likely because you acted that way or said something to someone.July 20, 2013 at 3:08 pm #23162
oh my god, I do not want his attention and he was not just flirting though was he?, he was every where I was, he was trying to get to me.
No he stopped because I ignored him.
“Frankly, I believe people are laughing about the situation because they apparently know his situation and are having fun watching him ‘at work’ using his flirtations on you.”
No I did not tell anyone at work anything, and to be honest I don’t believe it is how I acted, it is what he would have gone back and said.July 20, 2013 at 3:29 pm #23164
Sweetie, I am having difficulty understanding your true concern here.
Are you upset that he stopped flirting – because your initial title was how to get him chasing you again. OR are you upset at how you are perceived professionally at work? OR is this totally a non-issue that is worth no further thought and dropping?
I still see you actual stalking behavior or way in which he hanging around “to get me.’ However, you can believe what you wish to. He did nothing other than hang around with you and other collegues. Sure he may have flirted. I believe its a big leap of assumption that he ‘dressed up’ just for you that day. Like I said, he didnt ask you out, get your number, text you, touch you, or stalk you individually outside of work etc…..
What on earth would this guy tell co-workers about you? If you are that concerned about your reputation and fully believe he said something, why would you not be professional and upfront with some of your closer collegues and ask ” I am uncomfortable with the mood in our unit recently. I am also concerned and have reason to believe that things may have been said about me that impacts how I am viewed professionally. May I ask if you have heard anything?’
I would only do this if you are truly worried about how you are being perceived at work. The answer may give you reason to discuss with HR.July 20, 2013 at 5:25 pm #23170
I know what my initial title was, but that was when I did not know that this guys a player
I am upset at how I am perceived professionally at work?
I really would like to ask my colleagues at work, I did ask one colleague as to what made him say to the guy to leave me alone, as we don’t even talk to each other when he was hanging around me (my colleague did not realise I was listening), and he responded very hesitant (red face and stuttering) he just would not say, he kept making up random excuses like oh I was talking about another girl, then he said he was standing up behind you then my colleague ran off, and when i caught him again and I said your a bad lair and he said I am not then he said he was steering at you and I said no he wasn’t, was he? and then he said he fancies you, and I said no he doesn’t does he? how do you know did he tell you that? and he just kept saying I know because he kept looking at you. but actually at that point he was not looking at me. and if that was the case why did he not just say that in the first place instead making up all those lies before getting to he fancies you.
Thats when one of my other colleagues walked in the office and said to me what him, his got a girl friend.
To be honest I am not so close to my colleagues as I don’t feel I can trust any of them, they all just bitch about one another and are so sweet to each others face. That is why I did not ask anyone else, I can ask someone else but I am hesitant as to the response and as I don’t want them to think that I actually care or liked this guy. As he may have said I like him but there is no proof that I actually do, because I have not actually done or said anything.
The other thing is you know how people don’t want to get involved so they don’t say anything.
I only mostly smiled and been polite to him which I am to most people anyway, and a lot of the times I would walk past and just not even acknowledge him.
this is a good suggestion but I am so hesitant to ask ”I am uncomfortable with the mood in our unit recently. I am also concerned and have reason to believe that things may have been said about me that impacts how I am viewed professionally. May I ask if you have heard anything?’”
thanks lagirl you advise has made me feel a bit better though and helped, bless you.July 20, 2013 at 7:25 pm #23179
You are welcome.
I would just let it go. In truth… if we really knew how LITTLE people thought about us or truly cared… we would not get so upset that people are gossiping.
Everyone, for the most part, have their own lives and issues to deal with – and spend less time than you think worrying about you
I wish you well.