Home › Forums › Did He Lose Interest? › Hot and cold
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Tallspicy.
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Joy
Hello,
I met a guy and we instantly hit it off..he lives in another country; we started texting all the time for about a month coz he booked to come and see me;.the situation is: he recently got divorced with 3 kids that live with him( been 6 mnths) so he has full plate.he cancelled his trip for the situation in the country is not very safe( political issues) …when he cancelled,he informed me 4 days after and been avoidant at that period.so we had a fight and then he said: »its lrobably expectations,lets stay friends »..few weeks went by and he contacted me again saying he misses me and we spoke that night…i m leaving him to talk as thr time and space he wAnts biut he seems not be wanting to be talking daily or even weekly…he just hit me from time to time i miss u and i want to see u soon. I dunno what to do with myself ,he is always online and i know he has full plate but i dunno how to approach this how to treat him.i m super nice with him when he talks but once a week or 2 weeks is not enough..last time he talked he said i want to see u soon so i guess he is planing for a fast visit if the situation is good of course..i have so many insecurities and old rejections that just come up suddenly and i dont eant him to see that.can u tell me what to do in this situation if he talked or smthing? And how to manage my insecurities ( knowing we r living stressful moments in the country)? Thank u sabrinaTallspicy
Firstly hugs. Secondly you need to look at your own avoidance issues. You chose someone who lives in another place and is newly divorced and has a lot of things on their plate and you wonder that he is avoidant, that makes you avoidant. He did not reject you, he decided not to pursue something long distance. Long distance is the sign of people who don’t like intimacy. He told you he just wanted to be friends and now he’s acting just like friends. However because he is being flirtatious you need to tell him that he either needs to be available to make this work, or he needs to go away, or he needs to stop flirting. You need to own your part in this. If you continually get rejected, which is probably unlikely it probably only feels that way you need to understand what you’re bringing to the table to bring that to be. If you keep choosing people who live a long distance you were going to get rejected because long-distance does not work primarily.
Also as soon as this guy told you he just wanted to be friends you should’ve stop contacting him at all and honestly most likely told him to leave you alone. Healthy people do not engage with people who do not want them. And by not want them I mean not available for a healthy relationship. That means anything less than that.
Also, please stop paying attention to what he says and ignoring his actions. Clearly what he says means nothing. He says he’s going to come he doesn’t come instead of canceling he doesn’t. This guy cannot be trusted and it is on you that you think he can. The fact that you’re excited because he said he might come visit when he already stood you up once is absolutely ridiculous.
This man is acting like he likes the ego stroked that you give him. Is he giving you the same? I suggest you tell this guy to leave you alone and if you want to do it nicely just say I want the real deal, you’re not able to provide it for me, give me a call if and when that ever becomes the case. And get yourself into therapy because you clearly need it. My guess is that you are anxious attachment and I suggest you learn up on what healthy people do who are securely attached. Securely attached people rarely pursue long-distance, securely attached people do not continue to engage withPeople who don’t want them or even show a tiny bit of being unavailable. I’m sorry to be so harsh, but you need a wake up call. This guy is not going to ever be your husband so stop treating him as a such.
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