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- This topic has 10 replies and was last updated 1 year, 11 months ago by
Eric Charles.
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Angel
So texted a guy I dated for a while that honesty I was in the wrong with, he told me to work on myself and let’s talk about us and I ghosted . Came back after 3 months and he was willing to talk if we could date again and I flipped out about something couple days before us meeting. We hooked 2 weeks ago (I was the one who initiated it) and it reminded me of us and he was saying some really nice stuff, even said “ sorry if I am not going fast, like you want I am just in my feelings , a bit emotional.” He checked up on me a couple days after. And today I sent him :
“ Out of curiosity, is there any chance I have a shot with you again? Like I keep going on dates etc but I can’t seem to move past you for some reason. Hence why I said I think I loved you or probably do love you idk.”Anyways he called and said he didn’t even give me an ultimatum that time and I never got back to him and he was hurt and that he didn’t think anything would change and that he doesn’t know if he can put himself in the same situation to fell the same way . It’s almost a year now and we only dated from June to Sep last year. I think I messed up.
Angel
He also added that it would be unfair to me as now the roles would be reversed where I am putting my all and he would be looking for the next foot to drop . Which is fair, I wanted him because he just knew how to communicate but maybe I can just move on and learn . I guess the last thing I was in made me see how childish I was, how unstable I was and I finally was able to see things better .
Raven
Allow yourself to move forward, what’s done is done…
Maddie
There’s no trust on his side, and that’s why the relationship can’t move forward. If you’re honest with yourself, if he was suddenly very interested and back into things with you and in love, would you panic or ghost him again? Is he right to not trust you? If you think you’ve changed for good, what work did you do on yourself (sounds like he’d want to see evidence of this but hasn’t yet)? If you know deep down you really changed and would be consistent and not hurt him again, you would need to both tell him and show him this in actions, and take all the time he needs to slowly rebuild trust. But if that’s not where you feel you are at, you should let him go without hurting him again and learn from this for next time.
Angel
I would actually stay , I mean while we were intimate (he brought this up today on the call) I had said “ I would probably run again” so maybe subconsciously I would…. But I will learn and as Raven said “move forward”. I do want him but he wouldn’t trust me and I was like that with him when I was just afraid of getting hurt again based on previous relationships and that was hard. I can just imagine how hard it is to have actual evidence of someone being untrustworthy and trusting them again .
Maddie
If you were ready to stay, you wouldn’t have said that. It isn’t an issue with him, it’s issues from before you ever met. He’s right that if you want to move forward in your life and have a healthy relationship (probably with someone else someday), you do need to work on yourself. Have you heard of insecure attachment styles? I’d bet that’s a great place for you to start.
Eric CharlesKeymasterHey Angel,
It sounds like there are issues here, but it also sounds like there’s potential too.
Why do I think there’s potential here?
Because this sounds like someone who’s had the openness to work with you and grow with you.
A lot of people will ask questions about their relationship and their question is some version of “do they like me enough to want to be with me?”
That’s not the right question.
Or they’ll say, “I think I screwed up, can I fix this?”
And that’s an OK question, but they get fixated on trying to fix the relationship instead of just skipping past that to HAVE the relationship.
What if you knew you didn’t need to fix anything?
What if you knew in your heart that you can go from here and if a good relationship is possible, you will have it. And if it’s not, you will both see that and part ways with no personal hurt?
You’ve been in and out of each other’s lives. There’s obviously things you like about each other and that draw you to each other.
Forget about the question, “Did I screw up?” or “How can I fix this?”
Here’s what you want to ask yourself, “From here in the exact places each of us are in life, can we grow together as people?”
“Do I know him deeply? Do I understand what drives him? Do I know what’s most meaningful to him? Do I know what he considers a big win or defeat in his life?”
“Can I speak to him on the level of what’s deeply meaningful to him in his life? Do we have a dynamic where we can speak to each other, mask off, about the real struggles of life and support each other to get where we want to go?”
Do you have that kind of relationship?
If you do, then don’t worry about repairing your relationship or worrying about screw-ups.
And if you don’t… then also don’t worry about repairing your relationship or screw-ups!
Fact is, relationships are not about liking the other person enough. That’s a byproduct of a relationship, not fuel.
The byproduct of an apple tree is apples. The fuel is water and good soil.
And the fuel of relationships is meaningful conversations. Being each other’s partner in support and growth, and also having the grace to forgive your partner’s mistakes and appreciate each other’s differences.
Stop beating yourself up over mistakes or screw-ups. That’s part of life and if it’s part of life then it’s part of relationships.
Relationships are about having a partner in the living of life.
Being that partner looks different on each side, and why wouldn’t it? If you were identical people bringing identical things, what would the point of the partnership be?
So there will be differences, there will be mistakes, there will be uncomfortable moments because the journey of life is not always roses. It’s everything that life is, and having an emotional connection means an emotional connection to that partner’s whole life and experience of it.
As individuals we do the best we can and even then life can be a challenge. So it goes without saying that a relationship will have mistakes and challenges too.
A partner knows that and doesn’t expect flawless perfection from you. BUT the question is always there:
Can each person grow in this relationship? Does this relationship support what’s most meaningful to each person? Can we forgive them and forgive ourselves when mistakes are made?
These are the kinds of questions you want your mind on.
I guarantee you, the love story of your life will have mistakes and challenges. And it will be part of the beauty of the overall story because in the end, you’re in it together.
Angel
He reached out after I ignored him after that situation we didn’t speak until this week and just when I was closing him out and getting healed and recover. Anyways I feel embarrassed about how I answered when he said he wanted to see me I was so eager like sure anytime he was like tomorrow and I told him I was busy anyways I ended up sayin “next time if you want to f*** just say I want to f*** tomorrow “ anyways he said he thought about what I said etc and this is an exact message he sent :
Me: Oh so why you want to see me?
Him: Just relax. I actually have been playing around in
my mind with what u said .But I’ll stop.there.Anyway that’s why I didn’t necessarily want to say anything until I reach a
good spot in my thoughts.I sent a voice not telling him I still have strong feelings for him and when he does this it’s confusing like should I leave the door open or not . I also mentioned that I wouldn’t mind sex . So if we are doing that alone that’s ok .
He responded
I want to say yes leave a door
open but tht would be unfair to you
at this point
But please do
As it relates to sex I’m open to
establishing tht. But my questions
is would it complicate it? What do u
think about that?I responded and then he did and I didn’t reply to what he said. I spoke to him today and I was like this guy isn’t even my friend. And I definitely look on him differently but the past which was bare minimum plus the sex makes it hard.
I have blocked him and now as I type this I think I will make it somewhat of a duty to congratulate myself each week he remains blocked . For some reason and I am not exaggerating every time I am always close to letting him go he pops up and then I feel bad . And it’s takes weeks to repair myself.
Eric CharlesKeymasterYeah I mean…
There’s no such thing as “casual sex” for a woman.
For a man, yes. But not for a woman.
And you can’t sex your way into a relationship.
You could have sex with a guy 10,000 times and you wouldn’t be one step closer to love or a relationship with him.
For a man, sex and love have nothing to do with each other.
Men fall in love for other reasons. Women fall in love from sex, not men.
M
Eric, thank you for your explanation on how relationships grow and how to view mistakes. This is so beautiful. 🙏✨✨✨
Eric CharlesKeymasterGlad you liked it M!
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