This topic contains 16 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Trish 4 weeks ago.
June 18, 2018 at 12:25 pm #708380
Yep, it’s true. Was going to post and then I read “We Can Not Be Friends” by someone else today. Her story is my story, except her ex respects and understands how hard it is for her to stay friends and he is bowing out gracefully, so as to protect her feelings.
My guy is angry at me, feels that I have let him down for not being there for him as his friend, even though he knows I’m in love with him. He says he loves me too, but he is very actively pursuing anyone but me. I finally had enough and told him that I couldn’t do it.
I got a lot of broken heart emojis and a statement saying that if I couldn’t be his friend then I didn’t get to have any contact with him.
Fill me in on the type of guy who says these things, or tell me I’m wrong for not being able to support him while he searches for someone else.
June 18, 2018 at 12:44 pm #708384
He’s a jerk and very selfish. He should totally understand why it would be hurtful for you to remain friends.June 18, 2018 at 1:10 pm #708399
Just move on and STOP dwelling on it!June 18, 2018 at 1:12 pm #708401
Maybe he is so self focused he can’t empathize and see your side. That is a pretty selfish thing to say.June 18, 2018 at 1:27 pm #708411
Well, yes Joe, that’s the plan! But it’s not as easy as it sounds.
The problem is the hypocrisy that I see in his actions. He says he loves me, but we are not meant to be. Would rather have friendship than nothing. Sounds innocent enough. So I tried…but I was left hurt and sick for 2 days after every time we hung out because I knew it meant something so different to each of us.
I’ve tried to move on and he always always comes back, under the guise of friendship, with some trips down memory lane and some flirting (more when he’s black out…you should hear those calls/texts). So obviously, as a woman, I pick thru his statements and replay the ones I wanted to hear about how great I am and how much he misses me! ‘ACTIONS ALWAYS PROVE WHY WORDS MEAN NOTHING’…
I want to know why he can’t be a mature man and tell me that he understands my feelings are too deep to just be his friend. Not a threat of ‘well then you’ll lose me forever if it doesn’t go my way’ type of thing.June 18, 2018 at 1:39 pm #708413
You can’t control what he does. You can control what you do. It’s not up to him to make you not hurt. Block this guy and stay away from him. You be the mature woman and walk away. The only person looking out For your best interest is you. Who cares why he does this. Ask yourself why are you doing what you do and falling back Into bad patterns. You are the one keeping yourself stuck, not him.June 18, 2018 at 1:44 pm #708415
By the way, why do you want him to understand it hurts to be a friend? You put all the control in his hands about your life. You say you can’t do it, but in reality you won’t do it. We all have a choice in life to choose things that uplift us or choose things that hurt us. This is your choice and in you, not him. If you choose to stay stuck and keep caving, it’s not his fault.you know by now that he isn’t going to offer you more than a friendship.June 18, 2018 at 1:45 pm #708416
He is not mad at you, he is attempting to manipulate you.June 18, 2018 at 1:52 pm #708421
Trish, he’s a jerk.
I’d turn the script on him and say “what if you were in love with me, wanted to date me and have a relationship, and had to be my friend while I pursued other men?”
At any rate, it sounds like a bad situation for you. Detach and move on.June 18, 2018 at 2:10 pm #708432
I agree with anne.
He’s not mad, just trying to manipulate you in being a back up plan if all the other women he pursues don’t work out but wants to label what you 2 have as “friends”. Don’t say anything else to this guy. Put him on blocked and work on moving forward from this. Good luck.June 18, 2018 at 2:24 pm #708436
Pam is right. It does NOT matter why he can’t understand! You’re just torturing yourself trying to figure it out. There’s no good answer. Just STOP it and move on.June 18, 2018 at 3:38 pm #708470
I’m trying to understand this. If you don’t want to be his friend, therefore why would you ever have any contact with him? Weren’t you pretty much telling him you want no contact and his reply was essentially he’ll give you no contact? Who cares if he’s butthurt or angry? Weren’t you angry when he broke up with you?June 18, 2018 at 4:37 pm #708489
Stop letting him come back. Stop talking to him or having any contact. You are going to remain angry and unhealed otherwise. At this point, it’s on you. I think you may be hoping he will change his mind and that’s why you leave the door ajar. Don’t do that to yourself anymore. You’re worth more than this.June 18, 2018 at 4:52 pm #708499
I agree with those who think that he is manipulative.
It does matter to the OP, of course, why he says what he says. She is in love with him.
But I think you need to protect yourself, this guy won’t. He wants to keep you around and sooner than later he’d be bragging about his “dating experiences”.
I don’t know why it is so hard for people to see that no contact is not a must for people if they break up and want to remain in friendly terms. But I agree that these friendly terms will be very hurtful for the OP, given the type of guy she is dealing with
He says “you don’t get to be in contact with me”. Wow. He treads like it is currency. And it is all about give or take.
Given the character of this dude, I think the OP should cut him off. Otherwise he’d be hurting her again and again.June 19, 2018 at 11:00 am #708593
I am cutting him off. His short-lived turnabout is over and he’s back to acting the way he always has. Funny how that always happens. People don’t change. Thanks everyone for the support, much appreciated.June 19, 2018 at 2:26 pm #708640
Here’s a different take on this whole situation:
If u really, honestly cared about this guy you’d be a big girl and realize he’s not the guy for you, sincerely wish him well, and go on with your life. He obviously wants to remain friends and you are so angry that u were rejected that u can’t even be friends with him. Mentally despising him and letting hurt feelings and anger drive your decisions takes a lot of energy. Use that energy in a positive manner by being happy for him.
Loving others feels good.June 19, 2018 at 3:01 pm #708644
Bets, I’d be much more inclined to be his friend if he had any interest whatsoever in reciprocating. All he wants is a safety blanket and a sounding board. He (a) doesn’t care about how this affects me at all; and (b) he doesn’t care enough to even pretend to ask one question about me or my life.
We will hang out, one thing will lead to another eventually, and I’ll be left nauseous again for days. That is what takes my energy, not walking away as a method of self-preservation. Of course I wish him well, I love him, not “despise” him. I told him I wanted to be “friendly” not “friends”. I see no reason for us to be enemies.
Maybe someday I’ll evolve enough to sit by and have a ring-side seat as he tries to be happy with another woman. But now all I see is him making more bad decisions. Hard to watch someone you love f up their life … over and over again.