This topic contains 9 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Y 4 months ago.
February 17, 2017 at 10:03 am #603253
Okay, so I think this is going to be quite long, but please keep with me because I think I need some advice on this or at least to talk it through and would be really grateful for it.
Okay, a year ago I started University, and I moved into halls. I met this guy who was in another flat – I got on with the entire flat, we all had parties and I was just generally always over in there flat, like I lived there – but I was close to this guy in particular.
I liked him, a lot, but knew he had a girlfriend so obviously I was respectful and never did anything, never tried anything. I wouldn’t want another girl to try it on with my boyfriend so I was not about to do it to another girl. He’d even introduced me to her, and we got along great! I guess you could say I was well as truly friend zoned – but I was okay with this, because I just enjoyed having him in my life as a friend. I was just there for him when he needed and we just did things that friends usually would.
However, a few months into the friendship, things started to get really weird. He’s call me up and ask me if I wanted to go round to his, and he’d cook dinner for us, and we watched movies and basically stuff that he should be doing with his girlfriend (in my opinion) – I would tell him this and he’d just wave it off. Then he’d invite me round for Xbox and PS4 nights – sometimes he’d come to mine to play Xbox and sometimes he’d asked me to go to his for PS4 – I didnt see a problem with that, cause friends play games right? So I’d go.
Add another few months onto that, and things just kind of escalated really quickly one night. The flat had invited me round to have a few drinks, and a few drinks turned into a few more and a few more, until practically everyone decided they were going to bed. Eventually it was just him and me left in the kitchen. He said he wanted to play a game of never have I ever, which I stupidly thought was harmless, so I agreed.
Then he stated that he wanted to go outside to get some fresh air and told me to come with him, I said I’ll wait in the flat, because it was cold outside and i had no coat. He went to his room and bought a spare coat out (one of his) and said “now you can come with me” so I just laughed it off and went.
When we got outside, he started telling me that he had once masturbated to my picture, which even in my drunk state, seemed a bit weird (like why tell me that) and I remember thinking to myself that I should go for a walk, so I said this to him and he said that he’d join me, I told him no, but he insisted because it was about 3am.
We ended up by a lake, where I sat down and he sat beside me and he told me about how he believed that his girlfriend was cheating on him, and I advised him to talk to her about it, sober up and give her a ring in the morning because they’d been together for too long to go on with doubts and no communication. After we’d sorted that, I got up and said that I was going home. He said he wanted to kiss me, and I said that it was not a nice idea because of his girlfriend. So he suggested we play truth or dare, and I said “I know what you’re doing. And I’m not letting you dare me to kiss you. We’re going to go home and sober up and you’ll call her in the morning and sort it out” – something along those lines. And walked off. He basically came up behind me, grabbed my arm and spun me around and kissed me. I instantly pushed him off because obviously I’m thinking of his girlfriend and told him simply, no. I walked away, and he did it again. To which I yelled at him, and basically shouted I’m not doing that to her, I’m going home. And we walked back to the halls together.
On the way back to the halls he basically asked me not to tell anyone, then the next day he text me saying sorry for doing what he did. Then a week later, after I had a really bad patch where I was drinking every night and crying to everyone else in the flat, who knew what had happened cause apparently he told them, I told him I was really unhappy because of what he did, and I feel like be used me – he basically replied with “I don’t remember what you’re talking about”. So I ended the friendship. Said goodbye and good luck with your girlfriend. Oh! I should mention, the night he got back to the flat after, he phoned his girlfriend and told her what happened and she forgave him.
I moved on with my life, found a nice new boy who I liked a lot, unfortunately it didn’t work out but I’m doing good. A couple of weeks ago, I got a message on Facebook from the guy who caused me so much hurt saying that he was sorry for the way he treated me, it was never supposed to happen and it was the biggest regret of his university experience so far. I was angry of course and snapped at him saying “what happened, your girlfriend leave you?” And he said that she had cheated on him and he basically asked me if he could call me.
I didn’t think anything of it, he was in a bad place, threatening to do something harmful to himself, so I said yes. I talked to him, said that people like that aren’t worth it and you have to find the strength within yourself to move on, like I had to. Sometimes we love people too much and we forget how to love ourselves and that’s what we have to relearn (I was speaking from my experience with him). And he was so thankful after the call, saying that I had saved his life and that he wanted to be friends again.
Now he won’t stop messaging me, and he actually asked me on a date a couple of days ago – and I said that I had a year to move on. But he just won’t leave me alone. What do I do? I can’t help thinking that I’m just being used as a rebound. And I don’t feel anything for him whatsoever anymore. Why has he come back now, when I’m in a good place?February 17, 2017 at 10:22 am #603262
You say ‘thank you for your apology, I forgive you, but I have moved on with my life’ and you block him.
Do not respond to his messages.
It is very possible he has grown up, feels guilty, learned from this experience and in some strange way ‘wants to make it up to you’.
But do you need this in your life now??
Probably not… it sounds like you have moved on just fine.
From the way you tell the original story, you handled yourself with as much decorum as you possibly could have. You trusted his motives as a friend and he was not completely honest with his intentions with you.
That is a reflection on HIS character … not on yours!!
Stick to your ethics and morals.
You sound like a very enlightened and strong young lady.
It’s a shame this one guy came along and tried to undermine that.February 17, 2017 at 5:53 pm #603491
I’m sorry but I don’t agree that you handled it well. When a man tells you he once masturbated to a picture of you then YOU LEAVE! It’s 3 in the morning, you don’t go for a walk where he joins you and you just “end up by a lake.” This put the two of you alone far away from your hall and gave him the opportunity to force himself on you and kiss you TWICE!
But I am really lost as you why you’re crying and drinking every night for a week saying this guy used you. He was definitely a jerk and shouldn’t have forced you to kiss him but I really think you wanted more with him or you wouldn’t have been so upset and have “moved on” with your life. You go on about “loving too much” and say that was your experience with him.
If you truly don’t feel anything for him whatsoever then stop responding to him. Or tell him you’re not interested in being friends after what happened. And it’s totally manipulative for him to say he’s going to hurt himself to get you to talk to him. Please wise up and don’t let these kind of manipulative jerks back into your life once you’ve gotten rid of them. And they always come back when you’re in a good place. They have radar for that. But I promise it will end badly. Tell him adios!February 17, 2017 at 6:32 pm #603501
I’m with Kaye on this! If it was reversed how would you feel if your BF was doing things with another girl that you even said “he should be doing with his GF”.
And the masturbation comment!!?? That could not be MORE out of line. You should have left and stopped talking to him then! Stop acting like a victim when you then willingly went for a walk with him. Anyone could see where that was going.
You need to take responsibility for not setting proper boundaries all along, because that IS your fault.
Something to think about, because I don’t think you are being fully honest with anyone or yourself about your part in this.
Block and forget him. He’s only looking for an ego stroke and a reboundFebruary 17, 2017 at 6:34 pm #603503
Commenting on Kaye’s comments…since she brought up 2 distinct points.
I’m not going to give you grief about what happened on “that night” a year ago. Kaye is being way too harsh here. I have yet to meet a college-aged person who handles all awkward situations with full composure, wisdom and grace. You did not come here to be chastised about a situation that happened a year ago….I’m hoping you’ve learned from it…so let’s not dwell on that.
BUT…the second point is of much more importance!
His threat of self-harm tells you all you need to know. He is not in a good place mentally or emotionally. You can’t fix that no matter what you do. It’s not your responsibility to try. Refer him to a good counseling source, wish him well and move on. If you know of a person who is truly emotionally close to him that has his best interests at heart, notify them as to what is happening without casting judgment.
If my son/brother/friend were in your friend’s mental state, I’d want to know before it was too late.February 17, 2017 at 7:01 pm #603507
Kaye’s point is very important to address, because the OP needs to take responsibility, and own her choices and actions in this.
It’s not about chastising. It’s about learning from a poor choice.February 17, 2017 at 8:05 pm #603522
Aimee, I think you handled the situation to the best of your ability. The only mistake was probably being too soft-hearted and he has come to expect that you will eventually cave. I agree with Ollie, stand firm, advise him to seek counselling support, and make sure he knows his persistence will not change your mind, and block him as Y said because more messaging = encouragement.February 17, 2017 at 9:04 pm #603538
My comments were more addressed to the fact that Y said she “handled herself with as much decorum as she possibly could have.” I don’t believe that’s true. And it was also a warning on how to handle these situations in the future. When you are drunk and upset it’s best to go home ALONE and not go walking off to an isolated place with a guy who is also drunk! That’s just asking for trouble. Things could have gotten really out of hand and he could have forced himself on her. He had just told her he got off to her picture for goodness sake!!! If she didn’t find that inappropriate and a come on then someone needs to step up and explain it!!
And then she goes on about getting drunk every night for a week. That’s not how to handle your problems. It actually usually causes more problems. So someone telling her she handled it the best way she could or with decorum to me was bad advice. I think we can all learn from our mistakes and if someone is telling you how you acted was fine and it wasn’t a mistake and you did the best you could given the situation then how can she possibly learn from that? Ollie, even you say you hopes she learned from it.February 17, 2017 at 9:29 pm #603543
This guy has and will only cause you grief. You seem like a mature young women who wants to do the right thing. You are also doing well in life. Do not let this guy bring you down. Tell him he is forgiven but you are not in a position to be his friend. Refer him to a counselor. If you think he is going to harm himself go to the school counseling office yourself and tell them. Universities have means of dealing with this.February 17, 2017 at 11:26 pm #603560
When l said ‘handled it with as much decorum as you could’ what l meant was she thought the guy was a friend, a schoolmate, and had no interest in her romantically as he had a GF.
She admitted one night it escalated after a few too many drinks and once she realized the night had gone sideways, she pushed him away, yelled at him and went home.
Yes, she was naive, but it seemed to me she had realized her mistake to drink too much and go out for a walk.
Maybe wrongly, l chose not to address this part.
Yes, l probably should have addressed it.
l read her post as she had recognized her mistakes, realized this guy was a jerk, learned from it, grew up and moved on.
l read her post as she was asking for advice on how to get this guy to stop contacting her and how she should handle it at this point in time.