Help! What should I say to my date/hookup?


Home Forums Dating and Sex Advice Help! What should I say to my date/hookup?

This topic contains 30 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Amz 4 months ago.

Viewing 25 posts - 1 through 25 (of 31 total)
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  • #641678 Reply

    Funny

    Need help in wording things.
    I met a guy a few weeks ago and sleped with him on 2nd date. He’s cool and I’m interested in getting to know him, and he treats me fine. He asked to see me again sooner but haven’t met him since 2nd date due to our work schedules and him going away for the weekend, but we said we’d meet when he gets back. He still on holiday but just texted me to arrange something as soon as he gets back in a few days.
    He says he just wants to see me and to catch up over drinks (in his home).
    He doesn’t sound too bad but I’m wanting to clarify his intentions as in if he just wants regular hookup or genuinely wanting to date. I’m wanting to date to see if we have grounds for something serious down the road and I don’t want to waste time.
    I’d like to be upfront and ask what he’s looking for before accepting his request to see me.
    Recently I have trouble with overreacting and sounding harsh in texts so what’s a good way to do that in texts?
    No pressure but straightforward way?

    #641684 Reply

    Raven

    3rd “date” in his home = sex…
    You know that, right?

    #641687 Reply

    Funny

    Yeah so? Are you gonna help me with text or?

    #641688 Reply

    redcurleysue

    What you say is when you see him again you tell him straight that casual dating and sex is not your thing. You date with a purpose and that is to find a meaningful relationship. Ask him if he is on the same page.

    Then stay or go depending on what he says.

    By the way, if this fails, next time say this on a first date and let the guy tell you where he is coming from.

    #641690 Reply

    Raven

    So you’re looking forward to sex?

    #641691 Reply

    Funny

    Yes I’d do the talk in person, but I don’t feel like going all the way to his home 30mins train ride to begin with, so I think I prefer to get that out of the way beforehand. So do it over text and I’m fine cutting him off if his answer was not satisfying

    #641692 Reply

    Funny

    Raven, have you read my post? I love sex and he was great at it but I’m wanting to date and want to know his intentions match mine.

    #641694 Reply

    Raven

    So why can’t he come to you?

    #641696 Reply

    Funny

    Lol right? That’s also what I thought.

    I don’t know. I guess I’ll just text him and say what I’m looking for and ask if he is on the same page in a friendly manner.

    #641697 Reply

    Raven

    That he won’t come to you is very telling…

    #641708 Reply

    Emma

    Funny, may I suggest you be a little more subtle? Do not push him into the corner just yet with your questions about his intentions and life plans. LOL. Take it slow, let him figure out his feelings for you. You had sex with him too soon, he has not had a chance to develop any feelings for you, but he is still interested, so don’t let it become FWB or something casual, pull away gently, become unavailable, but be friendly and cheerful, do not discuss heavy things, if he asks you to come over make something up and say you had a dream you were on a date with him. LOL. Show him what you want, by nuding him where you want him to go, do not give him instructions or put him on the spot. If he insists, then say you’d rather not, not in the mood, whatever. He’d feel a little sting form being rejected without being offended, this is good, because he’d want to get what he wants, so he’d starts chasing you LOL.

    Direct conversations over text are murder to relationships especially that early on. People need time to develop feelings, to want to see someone, etc. You can’t “agree” on things by sending each other a few texts. But what you can do by doing it is turn him off.

    #641711 Reply

    L

    Just tell him, ‘please pay attention to my words now and not my actions.’

    #641719 Reply

    funny

    Emma, maybe that’s a good idea. Sounds like a lot of efforts though. But I do need to learn how to date effectively so thabks.

    #641748 Reply

    Hannah

    It’s fine to have sex early but, if you don’t want to become a hook-up and want to date, you have to encourage him to date you.

    Don’t been too full on and ask what he wants by text. It always comes across wrong. Just text him and suggest you go out somewhere instead. It’s as simple as “I’d love to see you. Why don’t we do xxx”. See what he says.

    I always think if you suggest a date, you should pay your half because you suggested it, but it’s better than accepting a home date early on. Men can be creatures of habit. If he knows he can get sex and company without bothering to date you, he may well do that, but he won’t take you as seriously as if he’d had to make the effort to date you. Asking for a date sets up your standards that you don’t want to just be a hook-up.

    You don’t need to be confrontational of have a big talk. You get set your boundaries in a fun, friendly way.

    #641751 Reply

    funny

    Ladies thanks for chiming in.

    I said to him simply how about we go out, and then he suggested meeting in a lively neighborhood that’s closer to mine. He also kinda made excuses for suggesting a home date.
    Lately I tend to get defensive fast and backfire so I’ll be more careful with texting.

    #641770 Reply

    pi

    I don’t accept home dates till I am exclusive with someone.

    #641806 Reply

    Hannah

    Well done funny! Tact and diplomacy work well in these situations.

    #643392 Reply

    funny

    So I went out last week with the guy for a drink but he assumed I would come home with him, instead I went home. He was pouting it seemed. Then later he messaged me a couple times.
    A few more days passed, and he asks me to come over again. I say I would go out. He says why I don’t want to come over? At this point I’m like why he’s not getting it and if he doesn’t get it when I am subtle I be more direct, and tell him something like I’m not a hookup. Then he says that’s not what he wants and could be more but yada yada. So I’m like ok we could talk about it. Then he doesn’t respond. Ha.

    #643401 Reply

    Amy S

    Ooft dodged a bullet there. He was clearly just after the one thing or too tight to take you out. Either way its not acceptable for you. x

    #643404 Reply

    funny

    I know. I don’t get why he has to lie about possibly wanting more though,

    #643426 Reply

    Amz

    Because he wants to string you along…

    #643431 Reply

    Jan

    You really make this more difficult than it needs to be. You went out for drinks and that was the perfect time to tell him you were dating to get in a relationship And not looking for casual. So why did you wait to have that by text? If you want to learn how to effectively date be upfront to begin with. And don’t blame the guy. After all you set the tone for being a hook up by having sex on the first date. What you are doing is just so backwards. Next time don’t say one thing and act another way. It’s confusing to men and sends the wrong signals. You didn’t dodge anything. If you didn’t have sex on the first date, he may not have even asked for a second and you would know what his intentions were.

    #643437 Reply

    funny

    You got a point but I’m not sure if I entirely agree with you. Guys send wrong signals all the time and we all make mistakes. This guy was probably a mistake and I’m not blaming him or myself.
    Anyway I tried to amend this heavy talk via texts and have him a chance to talk if he wanted, and he eventually responded with the same stuff he’s been wanting. I guess he’s not listening.
    Btw it was a second date

    #643440 Reply

    Jan

    No. Men usually are pretty clear what they want. It’s just that women don’t hear it or make up a new story in their head. The convo doesn’t have to be heavy. Texting is the worst way to communicate. But you don’t seem to listen anyway and do your own thing. Then wonder why it isn’t working. Ladies on here explained how to be more direct. And if this is a second date, then you can’t expect a man to say he is all in with you. That’s way too soon. The problem you have is that you slept with him and now want more. It’s a catch 22. It’s too early to expect him to make you a gf and it’s not reasonable to have sex on a first date and not expect the guy to think he’s getting it on the next date. You aren’t the one giving mixed messages. He is totally consistent. He got sex on date one and assumed you were down for it. So he tried to get the second date at home to make sex easier. That isn’t confusing or tricky. The only one not getting it is you.

    #643445 Reply

    Funny

    Getting complicated so I’m now wishing he’d fade out

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