This topic contains 7 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Sue 3 months, 2 weeks ago.
December 22, 2013 at 11:29 pm #98724
I was in a relationship with a man and we were bf/gf for almost 2 years. All that time we met and socialized with each other’s family members and close friends.
About a month ago he told me that he needed a break in our relationship because his ex-girlfriend of prior 6 years had been contacting him, crying and begging him to come back to her and he’s confused; he needed some space and time to think things over. I was devastated but told him that I agreed that we both needed space/time, then walked away with a broken heart.
Two weeks after that he called me and said that he didn’t want to be with his ex anymore and wanted me back. He even bought me an expensive gift for Christmas from oversea during his business trip. I asked him a few times if he talked to his ex and broke up with her for good, he didn’t answer my question and changed the subject. I think he’s still with her and also didn’t want to loose me, so I told him unless he could show me some evidence that he’s done with his ex (like introduce me to her as his current gf), we could just be friends.
Guess what, he didn’t take me up on the “introduce me to your ex” deal. Instead, he’s been calling to ask me out to dinners and just talk as friends then we parted – no kiss, no hugs, no promisses. He even asked me to go to some of his friends’ Christmas parties with him, but I did not invite him to go anywhere with me because he’s no longer my bf (I’m taking other guy friends to my Christmas and New Year parties). I’m so sad, however. Is it over between us and I’m now doomed to be his friend only? Was it even wise to be his friend since there’s no possible remance? Is there any future for us? Why wouldn’t he talk to me about his ex and what’s going on between them? Why does he still want to be my friend, he got nothing out of it? I’m so sad because I do love him and want us to be back like before, please help!December 23, 2013 at 1:24 am #98780
Hi Sue…have you asked him what his intentions are where you are concerned? If you’ve been together that long, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to have an honest conversation about where you’re both at…what you want, what he wants, what the relationship looks like to both of you right now.
I would make it clear that you want to be with him but won’t tolerate his being involved with his ex. If he doesn’t want a committed relationship with you, I would tell him that it’s too soon for you to be “just friends”. If he doesn’t have any access to you, he may miss you enough to cut ties with the ex.
It sounds like he is still confused but wants to keep you on the hook while he figures things out, because he probably doesn’t want to lose you entirely. That’s not fair to you and ultimately, will lead him to believe that he can keep you around while giving you far less than you want and deserve…if you don’t put your foot down, he may even think that he can avoid a decision and have you both.
Talk to him and in a calm, non-confrontational way, tell him what you want from the relationship and ask him if he can give that to you.
Good luck.December 23, 2013 at 7:21 am #98967
I completely agree with Kate; he now has you both around and could be perfectly fine with that for a loooong time; you should cut the contact and say you need time to get over him before you two can be friends. only in the conditions were he can feel he really lost you he could make his decision. and when he comes asking you back the ball will be in you court, you will have to choose him or not, not vice versa.December 23, 2013 at 12:20 pm #99142
Thank you Kate and bia for writing.
I’ve been crying a lot but didn’t let him know. I never called him anymore, he did all of the calling. He knows that I have a few guy friends around that I socialize with since I work in a field which dominated by men (engineering), so he tried to maintain regular contact with me. He even told me not to tell anyone that we broke up, it’s none of their business, since he still wants us to socialize with our family/friends as a couple.
I talked to him. He said he loved me, and he doesn’t have the same feelings for his ex as he used to, but it’s not that simple to cut off ties with her. First of, she was the one who broke up with him, and that’s when he pursued me. Second, they bought a house together as an investment (that he didn’t tell me about) and she’s living there with her kids and pays the mortgage. The intention was to sell the house when the real estate price goes up, but it has been down. She also owes him a large amount of money (like $40K) and he’s been trying to get it back. He said he needed time to settle things between them before he could commit to me. I told him that he didn’t have to leave me to settle things with her, just tell her that he now got a new gf and keep working things out. He didn’t answer me, instead he only said that I was the only one that he bought the special gift for, and he carefully carried it home in his carry-on luggage from thousands of miles away because he didn’t want it to be damaged. (What was his point here?) I think he doesn’t value me as much as his investment or the money she owes, but I can’t demand that he should, I’m just very sad.
What should I do now? I do not initiate contact but found it hard to cut off contact with him. Deep down I would rather have him in my life even as a friend, than none at all. He’s a very nice, thoughtful and generous man, and we have fun socializing with his/my friends and family. He wanted to get back with me with no commitment at this time, but I didn’t want that. Since his ex is back in his life, he may go back to her anytime and I didn’t want to get hurt so that’s why I offered friendship, it’s safer for me.
Your advice of NC is great and crucial if I want him to miss me, but how do I bring myself to do it? I was happy when he called, I wanted to see him, hear him talk/joke/laugh. I missed him so much and I missed hanging around with him in our homes or at families’ and friends’. I’ll meet him at his house on Christmas Day, Dec 25th then he’ll drive me to his friend’s Christmas party. Maybe I’ll come a little early and talk to him more like you suggested. I’ll keep you posted. Thank you so much for your help!December 23, 2013 at 1:49 pm #99203
you two are broken up. you should accept it and make him accept it also; u need to heal now, and no contact really does miracles (trust me, I have been through a break up recently, and I honestly thought I can never live without him, well, now I know I can). you should start moving on with your life, date other men and keep busy. meanwhile he might miss you as we mentioned above and do whatever it takes to get you back. on the other hand, he can go back to the ex, as u said. you don’t know what the outcome of a ‘no contact’ will be, but its main purpose is to make you get on ur feet again. the more you let him be in your life, the comfortable he will get with that; right now you’re doing exactly what he wants, being his girlfriend (faithful and understanding) without him having to put any effort or have any responsibilities. you should tell him to stop bothering you, that you need time to think and decide what is that YOU want. cos till now it has been all about what HE wants. ask him for space, and see what happens. and about the expensive gift… he thought he can make it up to you with some gift? it’s not gifts that you need now.January 2, 2014 at 1:31 am #107748
Update: We were too busy with parties so we couldn’t talk till 12/30 when he took me out to dinner. I asked him what he wanted from our relationship and he said he needed a little time to work out things so we should be friends for now. I told him I can’t be his friend and see no point to keep in touch with him. I want to focus on someone (else) who truly cares about me. Since he does not, I need space and time to get to know someone who wants to commit to me.
After dinner, we parted with sadness and the NC period began. He texted me at 10:00PM on New Year’s eve saying he was home alone and wished me a Happy New Year. I was at the NY count-down party at a club (it had very loud music), I called him and just let him listen to the music … He has not contacted me since! LOL
NC is no contact no matter what, right? so I should try not to respond to any form of communication from him. This is very hard!!! :o(January 2, 2014 at 12:25 pm #108636
Yes NO is all the way. I made the mistake in the past and it seems, or so I have read, men, when they have contact, don’t truly believe they’ve lost you and therefore cannot realize how much you meant. If they miss you, etc., and no contact gives them that space to make their realizations and come back, or not.January 3, 2014 at 6:43 am #110100
Thank you, Sherry, for your input. I’ll try my best not to respond to his calls and texts. I turned off the phone all day and only turn it on when I need to make a call, it’s my way to chicken out having to deal with his contact. However, I found myself listening to his messages, saving them and listening to them again and again to analyze his voice and the way he left the message (did he sound sad, did he seem to miss me etc.) I should cut this out. I tried so hard not to contact him, I had to start doing major house redecorating work (get rid of old furniture and buy new furniture) to distract myself. Sometimes I miss him so much, I just drive by his house just to see if his light is on, if he’s sleeping or awake. This is pathetic. I wonder how long I can keep this up, it’s driving me nuts!