This topic contains 9 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Stacey 4 months ago.
February 22, 2018 at 9:56 pm #690212
I’m hoping you can give me some insight.
I dated a guy for 1.5 years who treated me like a girlfriend. He spend almost everyday with me and we spent lots of time together (sometimes 12 hours + or I would even sleep over). I met his friends, we wound out places. He even introduced me to his parents after 1 year. I didn’t introduce him to my friends or family because we weren’t in a ‘relationship’ and I didn’t know what to say. However, if anyone on the street or his friends asked if I was his girlfriend, he’d always say yes. He would also tell me that I could say he was my boyfriend if anyone asked, so that it ‘didn’t get complicated with the questions’. The entire time he was very sweet to me, complimented me lots, and we had a lot of fun together, as well as deep conversations. He also cooked me dinner a lot and helped me visit different places when I was looking
for a new condo. We were also intimate regularly.
Actually he also offered for me to move in with him for however long it too, so that I didn’t have to ‘rus’ and find a place’. Part of me thinks he was afraid of committment because of his past relationship. He did mention that his priority was to fix his financial situation before getting into a relationship, so that he could be a good provider, as his ex girlfriend chastised him for not having as much money when he went back to school as a mature student.
I recently walked away, as I couldn’t handle not being committed anymore … even though neighree of us were seeing other people. The fact that he wouldn’t call it a relationship started to bother me. This guys spent all holidays with me and made sure to make my birthday special, as well as bought me a very sweet necklace.
I guess I am now questioning if he ever even cared about me or saw me as someone he wanted to be in a relationship with, or if he was using me for companionship until someone else came along.
What are your thoughts on this situation?
February 22, 2018 at 10:19 pm #690216
Hi Stacey-that is tough! Sorry it did not work out. It is hard to answer your question. I will say that you should never have let him “skate” for so long. I think 3 to 6 months is plenty of time for a guy to officially commit to an exclusive relationship, and ask you to be his girlfriend.
It is hard to say what he really felt or wanted. It does not sound like the L word was spoken. When you walked away,that was the time for him to realise what he was losing and step up. It sounds like he did not do that,so even if he cared ( and he likely did)he did not care enough or he has “issues” or both.
The thing to do now is take some time to get yourself together and then get out dating again. Find out a guy’s intentions early on next time-like is he dating to find a serious relationship etc. Then,if he has not made it clear after a few months that he wants to be with you in an exclusive relationship-then move on.February 22, 2018 at 11:36 pm #690223
Thanks so much for your response Peggy. The L word was spoken actually. He said it twice (slipped out) and he quickly tried to cover it up and seemed embarrassed. I did not say anything. And then he said it one other time when I told him I was walking away. He said it while he was explaining that he felt he needed to get his life together and that of course he wanted a girlfriend, but that his life is a disaster right now with his debt. I said that I respected that at his decision. He asked if we could be friends and I told him that wouldn’t work for me, at least not until I’ve completely moved on, and that even then, I cannot anticipate how I would feel about that. He did not like my answer and was upset that I wanted to cut ties completely. Anyway, I’ve now walked away and you have given me some solid advice about what to do next time and how to learn from this situation – thank you.February 23, 2018 at 12:32 am #690224
Hi-I am happy to be helpful. He may regret his inaction and come back wanting to get together. I would be cautious unless he is offering a ring and a date.. I think not choosing to be “friends: is smart-someone usually wants more and ends up hurt. You will find a great guy that is worthy of you! Don’t settle for crumbs.February 23, 2018 at 12:40 am #690225
I will add that his financial issues etc. often make guys feel bad,but if they are truly committed to you they will do what they need to work on the problem. I am with a terrific guy,for year now, that was embarrassed that he had gotten into money troubles through medical bills. He turned to me,not away and we found ways to work on his debt. Look for a guy that sticks with you,no matter what!February 23, 2018 at 8:29 am #690246
You are right. I don’t need to settle for crumbs. I appreciate what you said about your partner turning towards you, instead of away from you with regards to the financial issues he had. I’m happy to hear that you found someone who is willing to do that. I think it shows maturity and Is a good indicator how how he will work through issues with you. Thank you for that example.
If he happens to come back, I’ll be cautious as you mentioned… I will continue to move forward now, though.February 23, 2018 at 10:18 am #690264
Hi Stacey, thanks, and you sound like you will be just fine!February 23, 2018 at 2:36 pm #690312
Aww of course he cared about you!! It just seems like he had insecurities with falling in love and y’all never addressed the issue head-on, right? I would say he did commit but unofficially. The TALK was needed for both of y’all to lay out expectations.February 23, 2018 at 7:13 pm #690344
You did the right thing to walk away, only you should have done it much sooner.
I am not sure why you think that it was not a relationship. It was a full blown normal relationship. But he kept you in a state of “waiting” because it suited him. It was convenient for HIM.
These days you need to be worried about this idiotic “game of words”. You need to be more independent in how you think. If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, it is a duck.
If he continued to refute it, you should have walked way sooner. Much sooner.
The “label” game is doing a lot of damage to women. Refuse to play it. If he can’t afford a relationship, then stay single. But you can’t have a relationship and refuse to acknowledge that it is there!
Also get out of denial. Men are not commitment phobes, not a single one of them is afraid of commitment. They simply don’t want to commit to YOU when they say it.February 23, 2018 at 7:33 pm #690349
I guess I got confused because all of his other actions were good. Yea, he probably wasn’t a committment phone – just that he didn’t want to commit to me.
Thanks laura. And yes, once expectations were laid out I guess it was over.