He won't let me come to his


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  • #464863 Reply
    Emma

    I’ve been dating a man for 3 months and so far I have never been able to go to his house.
    He says he lives in a professional share house and that it’s too bad for me to stay.
    He’s cancelled on me 3 times when I was suppose to stay at his, once because he said he was too ill and that he didn’t want me to see him like this.
    And the 2nd time he messaged me the night before saying that he could not accommodate me in this houseand that he had been looking for new accommodation all week. He has been living in the current city for 3 months at that time. he said he was too ashamed to even face me. It ruined part of the weekend plans we had made.
    I made him aware that I didn’t mind what his place looked like and that I was there to see him and not bothered about what his house looked like.
    3 months into the relationship and I still don’t know where he lives, his address. I tried again to stay at his and he said he would see what he could do. So the next day I decide to FaceTime him for the first time and ask him to show me his bedroom he obliged reluctantly and it wasn’t too bad. I told him I was happy to stay there and would come to see him Saturday and stay over and the also do stuff together the next day. He agreed and then few days later on the Saturday the day itself he cancelled on me again.saying that unfortunately he can’t accommodate me in this house tonight as he did not feel comfortable. He then told me a date when he would be moving into a new house but then messaged me again saying that if he didn’t manage to get the house then he was thinking of moving back to the place he had moved from which is 5 hours away! He didn’t try and arrange any new plans with me.so again it ruin the weekend and I didn’t get to see he. I confronted him on FaceTime the next day and he said that he was too embarrassed which is why he didn’t make new plans with me. Only 2 weeks ago he was saying he loves me. I haven’t seen him for 2 weeks. As he was away the previous weekend. We currently live an hour and half to 2 hours depend on train service from each other so we can only see each other at weekends.
    Would this make you not trust the man?. It’s made me feel really worried.

    #464865 Reply
    Boog

    I’d be very wary of this. Are you sure he isn’t married or with a girlfriend?

    #464866 Reply
    Khadija

    Are you sure he’s not married or something?

    #464867 Reply
    Emma

    No I’m not.
    However He doesn’t message or call me every evening.
    He has stayed at mine a lot of weekends. If he was married how would he hide that from his wife.

    #464868 Reply
    Emma

    Sorry that was he does message or call me every evening.

    #464869 Reply
    Phillygirl

    I see all kinds of red flags. My first thought is also that he has a girlfriend or wife.

    Not ever allowing you over to his place is a flag, all the stories are flags, the cancellations are a flag.

    I think this guy is wasting your time. This is all too weird. I would move on from this one. I definitely would not continue an exclusive relationship with someone acting this flaky.

    At the very least I would want to be dating other people and keep my options open.

    #464870 Reply
    Khadija

    Hun, people find ways to hide all kinds of things these days.
    I don’t want to be cynical at all it’s just a bit fishy.
    Did you meet him online?

    #464871 Reply
    Emma

    No I actually met him at a coach station. He was going back to the city he had moved from to sort out some things with a property he had bought and I was on the way to see family. We got on the same coach as my family live near to where he had moved from. He started talking to me and we clicked.

    #464872 Reply
    Phillygirl

    Trust is something that needs to be earned, by words and behaviors matching. There are a million ways someone can hide something. If there is a will there is a way.

    I do not meant to say that I am mistrustful of everyone, but it is wise to require someone new to prove themselves to you. I pay very little attention to what someone says, until their actions support and validate what they say and…this is important-they are consistent.

    That means they don’t flake on you, disappear, have lots of excuses, lie (including lying by omission), or cancel on me. One valid cancellation is excused. A second I put them on probation, and a third they are gone..

    #464873 Reply
    SthrnBelle

    Of course he can! My ex fiancee hid the fact very well that he was living with someone, only he did not let me come to his place and when finally confronted with it, he admitted it. Too bad that by that time I had fallen for who I thought this man was and was stupid enough to continue leading up to disaster.

    Men can leave for the weekend no problem, he does not live so close to you. My ex fiancee had his own business and travelled a lot anyhow so it was no problem for him to pack up and tell his live in that he was going on a business trip.

    I would always want to see a man’s place before heading into a relationship and what is way weirder is that he has not even given you an address! The same thing happened with me then and of course I was not suspicious so I never asked.

    He also texted every evening but this is not a problem for a man in most cases. Calling he did not usually do but I guess a man can always make an excuse to go down to his car or whatever, when my boyfriend I lived with cheated on me he did just that and then he was calling his other girlfriend.

    #464874 Reply
    Phillygirl

    The fact that you literally met this man “in passing” just raises even more caution signs.

    I say run and don’t look back

    #464875 Reply
    Emma

    He doesn’t have a car but I guess he could sneak out to call.
    He was brought up Muslim and he has told me previously that a couple of his house mates are Muslim. I am white western and I do not currently follow any faiths although I respect people who do. Do you think this could be a reason for him not inviting me. Could he be worried what his house mates would think?

    #464876 Reply
    l

    I agree with other ladies on here; however, it is possible that he could be worried what his other house mates would think. They may look down upon him dating a nonmuslim girl….who knows.

    Why don’t you just ask him? I would just you can tell he seems uncomfortable having you over; is this the case and why?

    #464879 Reply
    Stefanie

    You’ve probably just hit it – the Muslim thing. If it’s not that, then he has financial problems. I don’t sense he’s married or involved with anyone else. This isn’t going to work, sorry. Let go.

    #464881 Reply
    Miss independent

    Let it go move on… He’s wasting your time..

    #464882 Reply
    kaye

    What gets me is the fact that 3 times he has agreed for you to come to his place and 3 times he canceled. Why even make the promise to start with? Especially the 3rd time? There are way too many red flags here. It’s possible that he has a girlfriend/wife long distance back where moved from recently. Especially since you haven’t seen him in two weeks and he was out of town the previous weekend. You really need to have a conversation with him about what makes him too uncomfortable for you to come to his place. Because let’s face it, even if you give the guy the benefit of the doubt and say he doesn’t have a girlfriend and it’s the Muslim issue then if he’s too embarrassed uncomfortable to have you around his housemates do you really think he’s going to introduce you to his friends and family? Has he introduced you to any of his friends and family BTW?

    #464893 Reply
    SthrnBelle

    Part of it could be the Muslim issue but it is also possible as others have said that perhaps he has a wife in another country and they know it? Either way we are only guessing here but he is acting way weird. Something is really not right. A man does not make plans to bring you to his place and cancels three times.

    I did once date a doctor who lived in hospital provided housing which he felt embarassed about but he still let me come and visit and thought it was a tiny place I did not judge him for that. You do want to see where a man lives period and his behavior reeks from far.

    I would discuss it if he has not ghosted yet. Then you will find out and if he is not willing to discuss it, then nothing you can do but let go.

    #464913 Reply
    l

    Also, I would add, that if you are looking for a long term relationship that is headed toward marriage, this man will likely not be able to offer that, unless his parents are not religious? I know from experience and have muslim guy friends….they date white american girls, but eventually end up marrying a muslim girl to please their family.

    This isn’t the case with everyone, but something to consider.

    #464921 Reply
    WaitWhat

    A friend of mine was seeing a guy for 5 months and had never been to his place. She found out that he was married and had a 3-month old at home. She was stunned and told the wife. The next thing she heard was that he’d committed suicide. So… I’d be very cautious if someone is that weird about me seeing his place. I’m not saying this is what’s going on- this is very extreme. But I think it’s smart to follow your gut.

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