This topic contains 22 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by redcurleysue 5 days, 5 hours ago.
May 16, 2018 at 8:16 am #702645
I met this guy about two months ago who was just one month out of a two year relationship. After telling me several times that he’s over his ex we started getting pretty serious very fast. He told me things like me meeting his parents and if I wanted to go on a city trip with him. Last week I finally decided that I was ready to have my first time with him. But right before we were about to do it he told me that a serious relationship would only be far in the future and that he first wants to enjoy being single and a free man. I was very hurt because for me a F+ kinda thing is not something I want. I told him that it couldn’t go on like this between us because it would only hurt me. He was very understanding and now asked me if it would be okay for me to still text and go for a drink from time to time. I am now very confused about what I’m supposed to do. Would it be better to completely delete him out of my life or should I take his “offer”?
May 16, 2018 at 8:22 am #702647
He only wnTs to keep you around as an option. How are you going to feel knowing he is dating texting and having sex with other women while doing the same with you?May 16, 2018 at 8:27 am #702648
I agree. Never be someone’s back-up plan, especially when they’re on the rebound.May 16, 2018 at 9:17 am #702656
“he told me that a serious relationship would only be far in the future and that he first wants to enjoy being single and a free man.”
He told you where he is coming from. If you want more this then he is not the man for you.
I would not waste my time with him since I could be spending my time dating men who want what I want now – in the present time.
He is a time waster right now.May 16, 2018 at 11:57 am #702689
My response would be, have fun and don’t let the door hit your butt on the way out. Next!May 16, 2018 at 12:10 pm #702691
Unfortunately, this could mean he doesn’t want a serious relationship with you. I learned the hard way. Do NOT stick around. You are not someone’s option, back up plan or there to stroke their ego. If he’s really just not looking, then he will respect you more. Just tell him you’re not comfortable with keeping in touch, but should he change his mind, he knows how to get a hold of you. IF you’re still available. ;)May 16, 2018 at 12:12 pm #702693
Do not be that naïve!
He “told” me he is over his ex. What else did you think he would say? I am not over her?
Use your life experience and common sense. If a man is out of a long-term relationship for ONE months, he is not over anything. And even if he is, he would not want to jump into another relationship.
Thank goodness he had a decency to say that clearly to you BEFORE having sex with you, albeit in the very last moment
Naturally you are hurt and upset. It is understandable, and it is very smart of you NOT to proceed. Most women would not be able to stop. But you did, this is very good for you, because you would be very hurt otherwise, if you started sleeping with him and he’d be sleeping around as well.
You cannot be “friends”. Even if you want to, it will not work out. He is going to brag about his V conquests to you sooner or later and you will offended. He would also continue to make passes on you, in case you’d cave in, you’d be thinking that he still “likes” you. In the meantime, he’d be having fun, but you’d be emot8ionally “hooked”. While not having any romance or anything nice because he would not be courting you.
Do not stay in touch, continue to be smart and cast him out of your life for the next 2 years, ignore his calls or texts, do not hang out, do not meet. When he has played the field enough (5-6 Vs – yes as in vaginas) he’d contact you again. You can be sure of that.May 16, 2018 at 12:52 pm #702703
The truth is that when we are in breakup mode we don’t really know ourselves very well. He has no idea how close to being over her he is. It’s human nature and I don’t think he has bad intentions. I just think he thinks he is further along than he truly is. I did the same after my divorce. In all reality I wasn’t really ready for a serious relationship until about three years after the marriage was over (and by over I mean us living separately and having different lives). In the meantime, it was all fun and ego boosting when I dated. Which is fine. Dating early on can be a helpful part of the healing process, especially if an ex did horrendous things to your self-esteem. But at the same time, you do not have to be part of that process.
So once I’ve gotten close with a man I do not accept his crumbs of wanting to stay in touch or be friends. I have really, really good friends. I don’t need one that’s going to be more trouble than he’s worth!May 16, 2018 at 1:46 pm #702717
Thank you all so much for your replies. When he first told me that he was just coming out of a relationship I was actually thinking rational. The problem was that it was getting very serious because of the way he acted and after two months I started to get attached as well. And thinking about it now I shouldn’t have taken him to seriously because it just can’t go well if you jump into something serious after such a short amount of time. Since he was the one who broke it off and he told me that she has reached out to him since and he didn’t care I did belive that he was over her. Well I defintily learned to be less naive after this situation.May 16, 2018 at 2:22 pm #702724
Ahh but this is exactly what happens. They (men and women) that have just come out of a LTR are so used to being in a relationship and want it again so much, they act totally full-on. Until they realise it’s the relationship and stability they want, not you.
I’ve done it and it’s been done to me. You’re not alone.May 16, 2018 at 2:37 pm #702727
I disagree that men aren’t ready to jump into another relationship. I just witnessed one. It was just with someone else, not me. Then again, these are also men who for one reason or another, cannot be single. They need to be in a relationship. There may be other hidden issues there.May 16, 2018 at 3:44 pm #702740
Why is the word ‘No’ so difficult?May 16, 2018 at 4:05 pm #702743
My mother and father met when my Dad was seperated, so yes it absolutely can happen. But he was ready for a relationship. He didn’t want to be a single man as soon as he met my mother. No way would he have disrespected her enough to ask her to wait aroubd while he played the field. He knew ge had ine chance and that was it.May 16, 2018 at 4:12 pm #702745
At least he told you. It’s up to you.
Guys recently out of relationships LOVE attention. My ex texted me most days after we split up, met a new girl a few months later, got serious with her, rarely texted, now he has ended it with her and texts me constantly.
You can take on the role of giving him attention, but that’s not a relationship.
I’d go date others.May 16, 2018 at 4:52 pm #702751
@Hannah: I’m really tempted to send him a screenshot of what you said because I think you’re exactly right. :D
(Ahh but this is exactly what happens. They (men and women) that have just come out of a LTR are so used to being in a relationship and want it again so much, they act totally full-on. Until they realise it’s the relationship and stability they want, not you.)May 16, 2018 at 8:57 pm #702810
I wouldn’t keep in touch. I also wouldn’t beat yourself up. It’s easy to look back on a failed relationship and say, I should have known it wouldn’t work because he was X,Y, and Z,” but often times we are assuming that something that was correlated (like just getting out of a relationship) is causal. He just as easily could have been ready for a relationship with you. Just chalk it up to he wasn’t your guy. It’s important to give people a chance, as long as they don’t have major character issues (liar, drug addict, criminal, etc).May 16, 2018 at 9:41 pm #702813
Agree with others that he was most likely wanting to replace one with another without fully understanding his need to do so, such as loneliness; ego boost knowing the opposite sex is attracted to him; wanting to show his ex he moved on…you get the gist.
I personally stay away from men who are recently out of a relationship. Yes, there’s that odd chance, very low percentage who have zero residual feelings for their ex but they are the exception, not the rule. Its not worth the risk if you’ve developed any feelings for him and he’s made his intentions clear he’s not interested in anything long-term.
I would tell him you understand he needs to enjoy his freedom but your in a different stage/phase; its best to part ways and wish him luck in life. “Out of sight, out of mind” is the BEST method to take under these circumstance.May 17, 2018 at 9:09 am #702847
“Yes, there’s that odd chance, very low percentage who have zero residual feelings for their ex but they are the exception, not the rule.”
I don’t always think it’s even about the ex. I think a lot of the time it’s that change from being with someone to being alone. When I was fresh out of my 20 year relationship, that was what bothered me- alone. And I took a stab at any guy for a relationship. Down the road, now that I see some benefit of alone, I’m way more selective in who I date in all aspects.
My ex jumped into a full blown relationship quickly, with what sounds like the perfect woman for him. And 8 months in, he cheated on her and its over. I think he immediately wanted the companionship, but didn’t actually work on himself (hence repeating a negative pattern).
I think many men are afraid of being alone, but want independence. No time is that more apparent and complex than after a break up. In my case, I’d say there were no feelings left (romantic) impacting his feelings for his new woman. But I think his feelings of “love” towards her were false and more about a desire to be attached to someone.
I’ve noticed as I’ve been dating that men just out of relationships “fall in love” very quickly (and out just as quickly). They are always the ones that by the second date are blowing up your phone constantly. It does look and feel a bit like love, but it’s just a call for attention.May 17, 2018 at 9:24 am #702849
You hit the nail on the head. Loneliness is a devil.
I think every woman and man should experience being alone before they get in relationships. Get comfortable with it. Bask in it. This gives you the ability to walk away from bad relationships and promotes self esteem.
It should be taught as a part of life…just like everything else. This way we make better decisions rather than making decisions based on fear. Fear of being alone.May 17, 2018 at 11:25 am #702861
So as a single gal out in the dating world, any idea how long is a good for a guy to be alone? Just don’t want to fall into one of those traps where I think things are going great and a guy is really into me, but really he’s just afraid to be alone.May 17, 2018 at 11:32 am #702864
Stop being afraid to be on your own and you won’t even attract those types.
That being said, I prefer to date guys who are at least 6-12 months out of a long relationship and if they were married at least 1-3 years after the divorce was final. I no longer date men who are separated or very recently divorced. The chances they are really ready for a good relationship are so slim it’s not worth it.May 17, 2018 at 11:38 am #702865
To me, it’s more how they approach you. I’ve noticed happily single men are less prone to try and RUSH things. They don’t text all day. They don’t move too quickly towards intimacy. They appear to have lives outside of drinking/bars/dating.
I’m dating a happily single guy and his approach has been regular dates, and some communication in between, but it is either date planning OR “getting to know me”, never a random “what’s up” at 10:30 in the morning. It’s a call when he has some time to talk. Or a substantial text conversation. It feels like he is trying to learn more about me, not get that “hit” of attention.May 17, 2018 at 1:53 pm #702897
Driven by fear resonates differently than interest in you. I agree with the posters above, it is not “how much time” but a gut feeling. Also, if a man is in a rush…where is the fire?
If a man is relaxed in his approach and confident you will not feel his “need” of someone, anyone will do…he will take time and get to know you before he decides you fit into his life like a glove.
I also agree that men just out of a relationship need some time for things to set…to figure themselves out….be wary of a man or woman just out of a LTR.