Home › Forums › Did He Lose Interest? › He vanished!
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Rose
Hi, I started an online relationship with an amazing mature guy, he’s divorced with two teenage kids. He always treated me with kindness and respect, I never iniciated contact and he never mentioned that so we kept that dynamic. We live a little far from each oyther and he mentioned that could be hard for both of us, it’s an hour driving. We went out about four times in a month’s period, everything was amazing, he told me he really, really liked me. On the fourth date he invited me to his place and we had sex… He took me home the next morning and said he was going to travel for one or two weeks… Never heard from him again. I sent him a text two weeks after the last time I saw him and there was no response. It’s been a month since. I never expected that from him and I feel very sad. I don’t know what I did wrong or what happened and obviously I will not find out. What to do? Text again, let it go? Thanks for reading me.
redcurleysue
You did not do anything wrong. Please look at this objectively.
Something changed in his life – he is back with his ex – he is going out with another woman – he decided the distance is too far – he got taken by a UFO. It does not matter really what changed for him.
I believe he liked you but 4 dates are 4 dates.
Let it go – the man has to set the pace of a relationship or it gets messed up.
Rose
Thanks a lot for your response Sue. That’s what I try to tell myself,that I didn’t do anything wrong but it really hurts me that he didn’t even have the attention to end things properly. I never gave him any problems or was I ever needy or irrational so he would be afraid of confronting me and just saying what was going through his mind. I even told him if distance was a problem we could end things before we got more attached and he said he didn’t want to look for anyone else, maybe he changed his mind. My mother and friends tell me that maybe something happened to him because of how he always treated me and they can’t believe he’s that type of person either. He really opened up to me and let me into his life to completely shut me down with no warning. I’m worried and I feel the need to contact him just to see if he’s even alive but something tells me I’ll just waste my time. I even deleted his number from my phone (but kept it on a piece of paper) to avoid temptation. What should I do?
Ashley
It’s nothing you did wrong I think he just wanted to sleep with you. He probably put on an act that he’s this great man when really once he got what he wanted he was finished. Definitely DONT reach out to him and throw away his number.
Khadija
Rose,
Oh boy online dating can be like that sometimes. You met a great guy ( at least you think he is) and the dates are flowing. At some point you feel comfortable and then you have sex with them. Then POOF!!! He’s gone like nothing ever happened.He may have started seeing someone else, just wanted sex, or realized the distance was too much for him. Who knows. However, it would have been nice if he communicated what the reason was to you.
In many cases with these guys take the silence as closure and move on.
Daisy
This guy is terrible! This happens often and it makes women put up even more barriers and have more trust issues. As Ashley stated he probably was a “hit it and quit it” type of man and once you two had sex he just disappeared. It’s sad someone would put anyone through this and I am sorry you are hurting!
Try to forget this guy. Reaching out to him would be a waste of time :(
Rose
Thank you so much for your replies ladies.I see I’m not the only one who’s been through this. He was so adorable and nice, invested so much time and even money in me (I never asked for anything he just did) I hate to think he only wanted to “cash out” his investment and move on. So, whatever the reason it’s wrong that he’s not talking. I’ll just try to move on and be way more careful next time.
redcurleysue
From what I understand the Snake was nice to Eve too.
Ashley
The fact that he WAS so great .. those are the kinds of men who do that .. they want you to think they’re great because there’s a really good chance you will sleep with them .. if he was who you thought he was, he would explain what was going on because cares about you ya know? don’t feel bad, there’s no way you couldve known
Rose
So true!… Well, I’m older and I thought at my age I wouldn’t be played anymore. I really felt like an idiot when he didn’t reply to my text. Seems like 15 years of marriage and two of being on my own left me rusty. Well, I really hope he’s happy with what he did and never comes back. Thanks a lot for the support girls. xo
FW
So sorry to hear this. I’ve been “ghosted” by 2 out of the last 3 men that I fell for. Oh, the feels. I’m still hurting over the last one, actually.
Know that you aren’t alone – many women go through this.
Get back out there. It tends to be when I feel that I’ll never attract anyone good, that the next comes into my life.Rose
FW, I’m so sorry to hear that. It does hurt a lot because our trust in men is shattered and we kind of lose hope that there are actually nice men at all. It also hurts our egos and self-esteem because with no closure you can’t help but think you did something very wrong and you’re being punished with their silence when actually we did everything we could, they’re just too selfish and coward they can’t face us. I believe the lack of seriousness and emotion on email and text help them think we don’t even have feelings or that we’re disposable because of the way we met (online). Very sad to realize how wrong our men are. And there are worse. Anyway, I feel way better now that I know that even if I did anything wrong like being needy without realizing or just didn’t say the right words, I’m better off without someone that doesn’t even bother to say goodbye.
redcurleysue
I’m with you Rose – I like social graces.
Rose
Well Sue, he seems to have selective manners like opening doors, being attentive and nice, picking up the bill but forgets important things like caring about other people’s feelings and letting them know when his intentions have changed. It seems like he was a gentleman while he was trying to impresse me but once he got my attention he changed. Or he was never a gentleman in the first place.
Ashley
Rose, you’re right if he had integrity & good character he would talk to you about whatever he feels. COWARD is right!!!! I just got ghosted by a guy I knew for 10 years so I know how you feel they are AWFUL there is no excuse to treat a woman that way but just be glad you found out now rather than down the line before you wasted more time & invested more feelings. when you look at it that way, it’s a win :)
Stefanie
Girls… we give far too much credit too fast to a man for superficial things.
This is a bummer Rose and you didn’t do anything wrong to deserve this. The gift in this is… you now know to wait and get to know him more before getting too impressed or having sex. This is especially true with online dating. Everyone is meeting lots of people and until there is a specific discussion about exclusivity AND enough time has passed AND his actions and words match over time… keep your options open and don’t sleep with the dude.
We have to take partial responsibility for training them that this behavior works. Be a high value woman. Keep your standards high. You’re the CEO, he’s the intern and he’s on 90 days probation!! He gets fired if he f’s up too much.
Rose
He actually told me I was the only one he was dating and asked me if I could do the same, went off the website right away after talking to me. He sent me pictures of his children, his family and told me pretty much everything about his divorce. He gave me his address right after I gave him mine for him to pick me up. He pretty much let me into his life and wanted to know about mine. He talked to me about his childhood and… Well, he was very open and honest from the beginning or so I thought. We didn’t plan on having sex it just happened and well, now I know I probably should have waited longer. He always texted or called when he said he would and never either canceled or changed plans so I thought he was for real. And maybe his intentions were good but he’s one of those men who don’t know how to handle break ups and thinks since I’m not begging to know what happened that it’s OK to just let it go. I felt in my heart he was honest. Maybe he’s just a coward and doesn’t want to see me cry.
Rose
One thing is for sure, next time I’ll be way more careful and take things very slowly.
Stefanie
That all sounds very rushed, a lot of info in four dates and that is definitely too quick to be exclusive and have it be real. A lot of times when they come forward like gangbusters, they freak and disappear because they can’t handle what they think they can.
You’ll do better next time honey. :)
s
Hi Rose. You said that he had to travel for one or two weeks. When was the last time you saw him? Is he still out of town?
Ashley
like I said those guys that seem all great like “too good to be true” .. they’re laying it on thick so you’re like oh wow this man is AMAZING… and you’ll sleep with them
Rose
Ashley, I’m sorry you’re going through that too. You’re right, he was probably too good to be true. S, I saw him last like a month ago and haven’t heard from him at all I have no way of knowing if his trip was prolonged or he just vanished for good. And I’m not going to drive all the way to his place to look like a stalker. I just have to let him go I guess.
Amy
Hey Rose,
I’m sorry to hear about this. I’ve gone through this a few times. I just get really sad after a guy doesn’t work out for me. There will be another around the bend though don’t lose faith!Rose
Thanks a lot ladies. This really helped me realize he’s not good for me and it makes no sense to try to contact him again. :)
Rose
UPDATE on this…. Person!!!
Like a month ago this man reactivated his WhatsApp account and since I put him back on my contacts I got to see him. (I know, a no-no)
He did something I saw as provocation, his status is a ghost, yes a ghost, does it seem like a provocation or am I hallucinating?
Sooooo, I decided to grow a pair and go against all NC rules and ask this person the reason for his Houdini act.
I told him I respect his wishes of not wanting to date me and I was still on that position, that I know I told him I didn’t need an explanation but I changed my mind and I did. That what he did was extremely disrespectful, that I started to trust him and all that went down the drain when he decided he was not going to say goodbye. I told him I understood that maybe he did it not to hurt me or avoid conflict but that he could have explained and I would have understood. I asked him to put on his big boy pants and explain…
He sent me a very long and heart felt audio…
He said that I’m a great girl, that he has no complain whatsoever about me, that he was starting to have feelings for me and that it was indeed the distance (one hour drive) that made him hesitate. That his job is very demanding and he has to travel a lot, that he likes to take time for himself to relax over the weekend and he couldn’t when he had to drive back and forth to my place, that he didn’t want to grow deeper feelings for me and have to break up anyways because he saw this as an inconvenience. He basically said he didn’t want to hurt me or be hurt.
The very odd thing is that I thanked him for finally open up to me and explain. I told him I have no hard feelings and that I understand.
Then he SENT ME UNREQUESTED PICTURES OF HIM AND VIDEOS. WTF?
He started to talk to me like nothing ever happened and like he’s my BFF … lol
He said that I should keep going to the gym and stuff. I told him yes and we made small talk but i was like WTF?…
So,now I feel better because at least I know I didn’t do anything wrong, that It’s all his problem and It was probably not meant to be.
I really miss him and think he might want me for an ego boost but he can go dance tango by himself because I will not settle for less than what he was giving me.
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