He says he loves me, but..


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This topic contains 16 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Barbara 2 months ago.

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  • #641452 Reply

    Barbara

    My ex of 3 years broke up with me last year. We had talked through some issues and recently started dating again and had sex a couple of times. He said he’s been very happy and excited to see me and didn’t think it could be so great again, but he’s still on a dating site. He calls me pet names like he used to and says he loves me. What are the chances he would ask me to be his girlfriend again and about how much time should I give it?

    #641454 Reply

    peggy

    Hi Barbra-I would have established his intent before you slept with him again. It sounds like he is enjoying you while still dating and maybe sleeping with others. If you want your old status back,I would tell him that you would like to be his girlfriend again ( if any issues of why you broke up are resolved) and see what he says. If he gives a wishy washy answer,I would move on.

    #641457 Reply

    Laura

    Make changes for him…he’s trying to have it easy.

    He has to earn ya back but really with the issues that have popped up, time is gonna be key.

    #641459 Reply

    Barbara

    No issues have popped up in the 4 months since we started dating again.

    #641464 Reply

    Amanda

    You should have directly asked this the second you started dating again. It is very late but just ask him. And do you want to keep dating him if he says no? He probably just wants you as a FWB tbh.

    #641479 Reply

    Anon

    You had sex before you asked him for at least sexual exclusivity? Not a smart move?

    Demand him now from now on to use protection

    If he contest, you can at least start your exclusive talk at least starting with sex…

    #641480 Reply

    Hannah

    Look this isn’t a new guy trying to get to know you. He knows you very well. He knows what being in a relationship with you will be like. That means he can answer you right now if he wants to be in a relationship with you again.

    I understand if the answer is “yes, assuming we get get past our previous issues”, but the only way to know is to try. You probably have things to work on, but you both need to be commited to working on them. Being half in, half out and on a dating site isn’t going to resolve anything.

    So simply ask him does he want to be in a relationship with you, yes or no. It’s a simple question I would have asked him right from the start.

    #641490 Reply

    Emma

    He would not ask you to be his GF, like most men he’d try to eat his cake and have it too. Sleeping with you and dating around. How convenient, nice and honorable! LOL

    You should have asked about exclusivity and GF before sleeping with him. Do it now as soon as possible and if you get a wishy washy answer like “go with the flow” or “lets see how it goes” stop sleeping with him.

    #641538 Reply

    Barbara

    The first time we were intimate, he said he hasn’t slept with anyone else and he would tell me if he did. So we were intimate another time after that a couple of weeks ago. He said he joined the date site after we broke up and that he’s talked to a few ladies on the phone and met a couple of them in person, but wasn’t looking for anything serious. Prior to dating, we talked through issues and since starting to date, those issues appear to have been resolved. I’m not so sure I should be the one to ask about being his girlfriend (exclusive) again as he is the one who broke up with me?

    #641545 Reply

    Lane

    Why are you selling yourself short? If I KNEW a man was still on a dating site, then I would view him as a man who’s still keeping his options open. That’s perfectly FINE if you haven’t dated very long and still in the early getting to know each other phase but at some point within a few months if he’s not making it very clear that he’s focusing all his attention on you, and only you as in BF/GF, then its time to cut the cord and date those who are “in it to win it” so to speak.

    However, because of your history, this is a DO OVER. Although I agree you would need time to determine if the initial issues/problems have been resolved before you can truly know, it can’t happen if he’s still putting himself out there to meet other women! I would put your cards on the table and tell him “I know we need time to date to determine if we’re in a better place to try again or not but that can’t happen if your still out their looking or dating other’s. If you want to give this another shot then I expect exclusivity, and if your not willing to do so, then I need to walk away as its not in my interest to invest in someone just to end up getting hurt again.”

    BE HONEST to him about how you feel, the way you did here. You are your only ADVOCATE and given a voice so you could use it. If you can’t advocate for yourself and negotiate terms that serve your best interests, no differently than you do in all other areas of your life, then you really shouldn’t be dating or in relationships.

    #641549 Reply

    Amz

    It doesn’t matter who broke up with whom, in fact, if he broke up with you, I’d be even MORE wary and ready to have the talk about where I stand with him. You can’t just continue on with this casual thing and expect him to just do the right thing. Do the right thing by speaking up for yourself and finding out once and for all if he’s serious about trying again with you, or sees you as someone to pass time with until he finds somebody else.

    #641572 Reply

    Barbara

    The main issue was the last year of our 3 year relationship, he didn’t seem as excited to be with me as in the beginning of our relationship and I started saying mean things which caused him in turn not to want to see me as often and then I got mad about that. It was like a vicious cycle and I don’t remember exactly how or why it started, but the unhappiness on both sides was enough for him to break up with me. After the breakup we talked about it and then a few months later we started dating again. We’ve been having fun dates and always very happy to see each other. I’m trying to show him I won’t ever interact with him in the bad way I did again. Maybe he doesn’t trust me yet that I’ve changed and maybe testing the waters for now. Is that reasonable? I’m afraid to ask about getting back together as boyfriend/girlfriend because we’ve only been dating again a few months. How long do you think it might take for him to know I’ve improved and that I would have a better chance at reconciliation?

    #641579 Reply

    Lane

    I’m sorry, but your making excuses. He’s either IN or NOT. I get trust is earned but it takes TWO TO TANGO in that he was just as responsible for your relationship heading south and needs to take ownership for his role and part or you will end up in the same cycle…wash, rinse, repeat.

    How have you worked on your issues that resulted in the breakup? How is him seeking out other women working on or resolving the issues? Honestly, this is a train heading for another wreck IMO. Either stay on merry-go-round or get off and stand your ground—choice is yours.

    #641581 Reply

    Barbara

    Hi Lane, You are very wise. I worked on my issue by finally realizing and understanding that a man shows his love more through actions rather than words alone. In the beginning of our relationship, there were many more words of love, but over time there were fewer, even though his actions continued to show his love. I missed the words and took it the wrong way and started nagging and saying cruel things. But you’re right, I guess I should speak up sooner rather than later, but I’m afraid of the answer.

    He told me after he broke up with me that he joined a dating site, but wasn’t looking for anything serious. I don’t know if he’s still calling or meeting other women, but I see him on the site every few days.

    #641588 Reply

    Lane

    Barbara, if he’s actively on a dating site then he’s looking! Please stop making excuses for him. Love seeks the well being of another. Being active on a dating site is not how a man shows love. A man who truly loves a woman would do everything in his power to protect and make her feel secure, not make her feel unsure or insecure.

    Just know “do overs” have an abysmal survival rate (less than 20%) because the primary issues are still there, where they eventually bubble up to the surface and end up breaking up for the very same reasons. This is not the time to be a wimp—he’s either all in or out.

    #641603 Reply

    Raven

    Seems You are still on the dating site …?

    #641772 Reply

    Barbara

    Neither of us were active on the dating site while we were together, but after he broke up with me, I started looking and met 2 guys, but I wasn’t interested and gave up searching. Now I sometimes look at the dating site, but I don’t initiate contact with anyone. Sometimes I get messages from guys, but I delete them.

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