He Loves Me Not, He Loves Me?

Hi Everyone!

This is actually very difficult for me to write. But I found this website while I was looking for answers of my never ending questions. And I thought to myself that maybe if someone out there reads my story, maybe they will give me an advice on what would they do if they were on my shoes. Maybe, my story wouldn’t be unheard or forgotten. Because somewhere out there, women would actually support each other.

I just came out of a heartbreak last year. It was the most terrible time. I got cheated on. I cried so hard just to let it all out. And then I went to church and prayed. I prayed that God would send me my best match, my true love hopefully soon. Because I was so tired to being hurt and being forgotten. I was so tired of the feeling of being broken.

Two days after I prayed, this guy who is not from my country suddenly walked inside my work office. Now, my office is actually a shared one. People can work and pay daily/monthly. Depends on the set up. He came and asked about the payments, etc. I remembered that when he came in, our eyes locked. I remember him looking at me. But because I was from a heartbreak, I didn’t make a big deal out of it. He started to make simple conversations which I replied with short responses. I didn’t want to talk with a guy. Hey, I just came from a heartbreak.

Days passed and he came back and told the office secretary that he’s gonna rent for short term. He paid, we started talking. I was just being friendly. And then he started to choose his seat…… and he sat in front of me. Now, there are at least 20 tables available, but of all tables, he chose the table in front of me. This became awkward for me as I cannot look straight now because every time I do, our eyes would lock. And I don’t want to have some crush feelings yet..

Fast forward, we started eating lunch together. We had coffee breaks together. He was really fun to talk to and he makes me laugh so hard. I slowly forgot about the pain in my heart. Not because of him, but because of time. Time was healing me…

One day, I thought that I should take him to this place where the view was so good. And since he just arrived in my country, I want to be hospitable too. So I showed him this non-touristy place. And since that day, I gained a friend whom I respected and cared for. Not just someone who comes by at the office every now and then.

Then one day, he asked me if he can help with his dad’s house renovations. I am a designer, so I said yes.. This is where we became even closer..

We have gone to countless “dates”. Now, I never consider them as dates because we just get together and eat. However, in the context, it is actually a DATE.

Our first date was the overlooking view that I mentioned and we had dinner afterwards, the next one is at the beach while watching sunset. This time around, he asked me if I want to chill in the beach. He bought the drinks and chips and I brought the blanket. If I looked back now, I know that it was actually romantic. :)

Countless dates after that. We would always eat out, eat cake, eat ice cream. We have become the best of friends real fast.

During the valentines weekend, he brought me to an expensive steak house. Of course, I have no idea why that is.I thought it was just a casual dinner. But actually turned out romantic because he reserved a table, we had wine, and there was music in the background. All the shenanigans that shout a ROMANTIC DATE.

This dinner is somehow memorable, because he asked me if I want this relationship to be just plainly professional (because we work together on the renovations project and also planning on a business) or personal. I wasn’t able to answer as I have no idea how!

Fast forward, during the COVID era now, we became even CLOSER. We work together in his house. I cook for both of us since I am a good cook and he loves my food a LOT. It has become a set up that has been confusing for a lot of people I think. During this time, I was able to know him deeper. It was also a great time for him to record and video me all the time. His phone is filled with my videos. Me cooking, me talking a lot and other fun moments. He would post me a lot in his Social media, in snapchat, in Instagram.

He cares for me a lot too. He prepares surprises for me every now and then. When I celebrated my first year anniversary at work, he asked me I want anything. And I said I want a cake. Now, I know I asked him a hard favor since he is on a strict diet. But when he came back, he actually bought a cake for me. This made my heart melt. The entire day, we chilled and watched a movie. We had pizza afterwards. I had so much fun. We both did.

I was actually beginning to think that this guy might love me. And I was developing feelings for him too. I was just patiently waiting for him to actually say anything….

And then just lately, we started being intimate. I know what we were doing then might be wrong but it also felt right. Before we kissed, he told me this…

“You know if we’re gonna do this our relationship is gonna change right?”

I replied, “yes, do you know that too?”

“Do you love me?”, he said.

“I really don’t know, I am not sure. I don’t know if this is love or infatuation…Do you love me?” I asked. I waited for him to reply. I can still remember the way he looked at me. He looked at me with love.. I thought he was gonna say yes..

But he said “Not as much as you love me. I am not in love. I am not falling in love…”

I waited for pain. But there was no pain. My heart knew otherwise. My heart knew it was a lie..

But then he said again, “I don’t lie. I want to be honest with you. I care about you a lot. Your feelings are important for me. Do you want a relationship?”

Because I was too hurt by his answer and because I don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who said that he doesn’t love me, I told him that I am not sure. That I don’t know for certain.

And then he said that he has been stopping himself to develop any feelings for me, even sexual urge. Because I am his only first girl bestfriend that he doesn’t want to lose.

But I was still being naive. We made love. It was amazing. It didn’t feel like a hook up. It felt serious. It felt like love.

And now, I am confused. I don’t want to be in that position again because all these articles make me want to believe that he doesn’t love me. But behind these articles, if we’re alone, I know that he can feel it too.

I have to understand. His first girl friend broke up with him after 5 years of being serious. He became depressed. He gained a lot of weight. He developed bad habits that didn’t help him. In fact, all three of his relationships failed. Also, 4 years ago, his parents got into divorce. He saw firsthand how his mother would bully his father and would manipulate him. In his eyes, his mother isn’t normal emotionally as he didn’t feel love between his parents. He might be scared. I kissed him because thats what my heart says. It felt right. It felt normal. I wasn’t in pain. I was willing to wait…

Now, I am confused as I have watched videos from anewmode, all the signs say that he loves me but he says otherwise. Actions speak louder than words. And his actions all say that he loves me.

Right now, I am scared. Scared of losing him to another girl because we are not in an actual relationship. Scared that what he is saying is actually true. Scared that I have lead myself to false beliefs.

I need anyone to help me out here. Any advice will be greatly appreciated. I will reply as much as I can. There’s so much to this story behind. I just really need to let it out.

Thank you! Thank you to whoever reads this. You just made my day. :)

PS. This is for this guy, if in the future, we end up together, then I have to remember this letter as this will help me find my way towards you…