This topic contains 30 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Heather 4 weeks ago.
February 20, 2018 at 6:20 am #689837
Hi, we are in a relation for almost 3 years now, we have plans of living together later this year.
The thing is that he was supposedly in a business travel last few days, at the moment we live in very different areas of the city, but yesterday I had to go to his area, and I was shocked to see him entering in his house from my car (he didn’t see me).
I was mad hell and back but tried to act with calm and think that maybe something happened, so I sent him a text asking him if he was having a good time in the travel, I didn’t mention anything else, and he replied pretending he was in the other city.
That made me hell and back so I told him I knew he was lying because I randomly saw him. He told me that he was very stressed lately and needed a few days at his own.
I can’t understand what he didn’t tell me, I’m not the kind of girl who would create a drama out of that, I’m busy many times as well, so I would understand , but now that he lied I can’t help thinking the other travels he had lately were a lie as well and that maybe there is a more shady reason.
I told him this and he said all the other travels were real, but can I believe him now?
So, here is my situation, having a good relationship in what I invested 3 years of my life and with plans, what to do now? Would this be a deal breaker for you?? I could barely sleep the last night , I’m thinking all the time….February 20, 2018 at 6:43 am #689838
It is indeed very shady. Why would one create the whole story of travelling is that would be easy to just say he’s busy with work and see you once he’s doen and rested. Do you see each other too often and could he imagine you would freak out if he asks for space for a few days without a date? I can’t understand why lying, too.
Now what? Ithink you need to chill out and talk and find out true reasons of this behaviour before breaking up with him.February 20, 2018 at 6:54 am #689839
Thanks Anastasia, we see each other every afternoon if we can. But I’m not the kind of woman who would create a drama if he tells me he needs a few days at his own, maybe he thought I would.
If I knew what is the real reason It would be a lot easier. He kept repeating that was the only reason. And acted all offended because I had doubts.
I’m going to take a few days at my own before talking to him, because I’m upset and is not the right moment to talk and also because I don’t know what to think. I want to believe him, but he had a lot of travels lately.February 20, 2018 at 7:07 am #689840
He could cope with his need to withdraw in different ways: what we read at this website guys can give silence treatment, they may start acting cold for a while, they lie (like in your case) or they act mature expressing their needs and asking for space to visit their man’s cave.
Are you sure there’s no other women involved? Anyways, trust is seriously damaged and it is a great idea you take some days of no contact to restore your composure. Do not spend it to boost fears but rather to pumper yourself and some loving me-time.
Take it as a blessing to test (before moving in together) how you two can negotiate and resolve stressful situation/conflict, which is the case in every relationship from time to time.February 20, 2018 at 7:28 am #689844
I’m not sure of anything right now. If you ask me what I think is most likely happening, I think he probably suffocated about us moving together soon or seeing each other much lately, and he needed some time alone, I kinda think some of the others travels had to be fake as well.
Another more shady theory would be that there is another woman, I would be truly surprised if he is cheating, but I’m also surprised about the travel.
I tried to get the truth from him. I told him I would like us to have an honest relation and that I would be understanding whatever he had to tell me. I just got that he was full of work so he would be working all time, and needed a few days off, that he doesn’t know why he thought it would be better to say he had a travel and that the other travels were real and that he is truly offended I’m having doubts….
That it was just a white lie and that if I’m going to break up our relation over this, I don’t love him.
If he is lying he is a dick because I’m even feeling bad now. I tried to talk to him with calm, though I was mad. So he didn’t feel attacked and I could get the true.February 20, 2018 at 10:54 am #689852
T from NY
I have to say that I do not have a good feeling about this. Not just because he lied about being in town (which is really not respectful and downright shady) but because of his reaction to you now. I know we cannot say for certain — but usually if a person who loves you feels internal pressure to lie, in this instance to supposedly “get some time to himself”, if that person is caught — they usually feel incredibly awful, remorseful and accept blame. They do NOT try to turn it around on you saying you must not love him. That is absurd.
You said he has had a lot of travel lately. Of course it is normal to wonder if he has lied previous to this and normal to wonder if there is someone else in the picture. What I do not like is that he is trying to “rug sweep” and expects you to believe him implicitly. EVEN IF there is no other woman — he has STILL breached your trust. Of course people make mistakes and act foolishly — what matters is how they act AFTER they are caught. He is not taking sole responsibility for not having the courage or skill to speak up about what his needs are. It is NOT your job to anticipate or have telepathy about what he needs. It is absolutely his job to tell you what he needs.
Another thing I find interesting, is that you keep describing yourself as low drama. I am sorry to say but some men choose easy going, trusting women because they themselves are not honest and women who are very trusting are easy to manipulate. I am not trying to be doomsday here. It is OKAY that you are trusting — it is what you should be. Im just saying some types of people take advantage of that. When I divorced my ex husband three years ago my accountant and my attorney told me that my ex had been hiding 15-20K every year from me and the family for at least a decade. I seriously did NOT believe either of them, though they had 40 years experience between them. It took me weeks to accept he would do that to me.
I urge you to consider that if this man is not willing to see this for what it is — a huge breach of your trust, and to understand that you now will question other things he has done/does in the future — then he is either delusional, completely immature or not trustworthy and I would not move in with someone like that.February 20, 2018 at 11:03 am #689853
I suspect you didn’t just “happen to be” in his part of town. I think you may have been stalking? If you were stalking and checking up on him then there is something going here that you are not owning up to. you are doing this because you don’t trust him. Why do you not trust him?
I don’t doubt he needs a break from you. You are together every afternoon and stalk him outside his home?
The lying isn’t cool but I strongly suspect there is more to the story.February 20, 2018 at 11:45 am #689855
T from Ny, what it kills me is the not to know, I can’t know for sure what was going on, if this was a white lie and he needed some time at his own for real, I can forgive and forget, but what if there is something more serious? we aren’t teenagers anymore, we made plans for the future, and the future was later this year, so I was convinced he was the one and now I don’t know what to think.
Susu, not stalking him at all. I didn’t even think for a second the travels could be false, he said the other travels were real, I have no way to know. I trusted in him completely, always think nothing but the best of him because I think he is a great person.
He lives next to a big shopping center, I had to go Sephora and buy some clothes and decided to go there. Because I have it all in the same place. The rest was a matter of luck, if I went 5 min later I wouldn’t see him.February 20, 2018 at 11:51 am #689857
So he’s not taking any responsibility for breaking your trust and repeatedly lying to you? Hmm. I don’t like that at all and I also don’t have a good feeling about this.
Even if being honest that he’s stressed and needs space, he could have simply told you that. If he doesn’t feel he can communicate honestly with you now, he hasn’t been honestly communicating with you for 3 years. This makes me question how well you know the real him. How many other times has he decided to lie rather than tell you the truth?
I also don’t think you can possibly with someone who feels suffocated seeing you every afternoon. Do you see each other every night too, or just afternoons? If you live together, it’s 24/7. How’s he going to cope with that?!
This is the problem I would have with what he’s saying. Why he lied is important of course. But just the fsct he did will make you question your entire relationship.
You know you could check if he’s been going to work the last few days. If he has, you know he’s still lying to you.February 20, 2018 at 11:52 am #689858
I forgot to say, we exchanged some messages today, I don’t want to talk more at the moment, because I’m still upset and I want to talk this with calm.
And he keeps saying if I ruin our relation out of this, then I don’t love him at all.
And he also keeps repeating is very mean on my side to think the other travels could be fake…
He was the one who lied, and still I will end up feeling the bad one, it is not fair.
I had a very hard day today, lot of theories are crossing my mind. I have to talk to him, but I know he will say the same, so is either forgive him and forget or breaking up.
I will be honest, I’m not ready for breaking up.February 20, 2018 at 11:52 am #689859
T from NY
Heather, there are some things you can know for sure. He lied. He is not able or willing to express all his needs to you at this time. He is minimizing his lying now and trying to make YOU feel guilty for a situation that HE caused. And it sounds like he is unwilling to discuss the seriousness of this breach of trust.
These things you know for sure. And they should make you concerned.
I am not saying you have to break up over this. But I am saying the HANDLING of this situation by him will be VERY illuminating at what type of partner he is. And you have to decide if he is worthy of your trust. Right now I do not believe he is.February 20, 2018 at 11:59 am #689861
Hannah, I always thought he was a very honest guy, if he ever lied to me, I can’t know.
We see each other eveyr afternoon and in the weekends he sleeps at my house, we were looking for places and had plans to move in together around summer.
If he told me he needed some days off I would probably be worried, but I wouldn’t be mad. So don’t know how he thought it was better to pretend he was at a business travel.
That now I’m distrustfull about the other travels is understandable to say the least.
He doesn’t want to lose me that’s for sure. So I want to believe at least there isn’t another woman.
I might changge my mind tomorrow, right now I think about giving him a chance but if I catch him lying again that must be game over, what do you girls think?February 20, 2018 at 12:02 pm #689862
T from NY, yeah I also wonder how he will handle this. I didn’t like his reaction today, he called me, I didn’t pick up and I got those texts kinda blaming on me. Just a “sorry” would have been a lot better.
Don’t know how he will act in the next days and I’m curious as well.February 20, 2018 at 12:02 pm #689863
T from NY
I think it is very sad that you would stay with someone (or at least not demand that he work through and process this breach of trust appropriately) who calls you mean for feelings HE caused you to have. I have no doubt he will hurt you again if you do not have more respect for yourself.February 20, 2018 at 12:07 pm #689864
I think you got good feedback and i dont like his answers as well.
But i have been through a serious depression a few years ago and i lied a lot because i didnt want to face people. I had nothing to for with them but me and totally out of whack.
But i wouldnt have responded like he did at allFebruary 20, 2018 at 12:19 pm #689865
He must be able to see that he has broken your trust. Without trust, a relationship is impossible to continue. It has nothing to do with how much you love him and he must know that. I mean, if he hit you or cheated on you and you ended it, would he still think that means you don’t love him? Him saying that is ridiculous and manipulative. How old is he?
My main problem would be that I can’t see this man working to regain your trust. At least not from how he’s acting now.
I think you need a good few days to get over the shock of this. You won’t be able to see clearly for some time. Personally, I’d ask him to leave you alone for the rest of the week so you can think things through. It will give you the space you need and make him sweat a bit. Have no contact at all just for a few days.
So you don’t see each other in the evenings? Does he work evenings then? (I’m just wondering how much opportunity he’s had to be shady in the past!)February 20, 2018 at 12:44 pm #689870
I told him to leave me alone, but is more of a in the heat of the moment kind of thing, if he doesn’t try to contact me at all in the next few days I will be disappointed tbh.
He is 29, we met each other 3 years ago. We’ve been doing this slowly and I prefer it that way, while we are on vacations we live together, it works fine so we decided to move in together this summer, by them my work contracts ends so I can search a job in a better area and leave my current apartament.
If he wanted to be shady of course he could. If eventually I find out he was cheating on me, or something like that I’ll be very very disappointed. And I want to believe that wasn’t the case.
Him feeling in the need to lie to have some time off is something to worry anyway. I asked him if he was soffocated and he said he was just really stressed at work.
But these days I’m having trust issues so everything he says I take it with a grain of salt.
I feel sad, and I need him to apologize for real. It sounds stupid but it would help a lot.
Breaking up is not an option right now, unless this turned more ugly, because I know I would regreat leaving him over a white lie, of course if I found out he was cheating or whatever it would be different…But I won’t put him the things so easy, I’m not trying ti play it hard now, I really don’t even feel like talking to him right now. I do want him to contact me, and I do want him to apologize, but I feel like ignoring him for some days.February 20, 2018 at 12:53 pm #689873
That was not a white lie!February 20, 2018 at 1:01 pm #689875
Hannah, I have not read every response here but if he has had past travels, then there is a paper trail. No one travels without an itinerary or other reservations so simply tell him that you feel trust between you has been hurt and the ask him to prove to you that other travels were indeed real.
If he gets defensive, that is a huge red flag. Do not believe a word he says until and unless he shows you that proof. I say this as someone who was trusting and laid back. I am with a man who started our relationship on a foundation of lies. We broke up, got counseling and ended up back together. Every day is a challenge in trusting him again but do you what is not a challenge? Doubting myself. I now know when my gut tell me something could be off, that I must not ignore it or allow him or anyone to talk me out of it. Nothing he says or anyone says will allow me to choose their perspective over my own. In a way it’s sad,I don’t trust as much. In a way it’s good. I won’t get burned as bad again.February 20, 2018 at 1:05 pm #689876
He must realise you are not stupid to buy his lame excuses. He must realise he cannot use them as a tactic to overcome this messy situation.
Use power of some of the comments here and confront him about twisting who is to blame for. Deliver message he needs to work hard now to rebuild your trust. If he doesn’t put any effort to re-establish your trust, if you just forgive him, this man will not think twice when to lie to you next time.
You may give him one more chance but he needs to be told he will lose you for good the second anything similar happens again.February 20, 2018 at 1:43 pm #689882
Another thing you can do rather than engage in confrontation is to observe him and then decide you will walk if you are betrayed again. Breaking trust is very damaging and it is on him to make changes in what he does in order for you both to strengthen the relationship. My boyfriend broke my trust in early January and I said to him- this is over and he was convincing me why this relationship was good. I agreed to stay and plan to observe his behavior with the plan to leave if he did not step up. Since that day, he has stepped up in his openness, communication, initiation of plans in the present and future. You have to be willing to walk away and they need to realize that.February 20, 2018 at 2:08 pm #689885
Heather-this seems bad to me. Here is my take:-whether he has lied about travelling before or not-he lied now. My guess is he is either seeing someone else/and/or re-evaluating your relationship.
His defensive behavior when you questioned makes me wonder if he is provoking you so you will break things off and he can keep you from learning that he cheated or just wants/wanted out but was too cowardly to admit it. Or he still has not made up his mind and is trying to convince you that he has done nothing wrong,in case he decides he does want you after all. I see an immature guy at best and a liar/cheater at worst.
I would stop all contact and see if he comes to you to apologize,explain,talk. If none of that happens within a week-I would be done . He sounds shady and a poor bet for long term happiness.February 20, 2018 at 3:04 pm #689903
He lied , and chances are 2, either he is saying the truth now and he just needed a few days at his own, or there is something more shady behind, the problem is that I don’t know how to found out, so I want to wait and see. If I broke up over this, I know I would feel bad over time because I would wonder if I did the right thing, we never had problems before, it was too good to be real.
If finally things turn out more shady I’ll be disappointed but at least I’ll have an answer, and like someone said it will be interesting to see his reactions next days.
I’m not sure if he is going to contact me, because I didn’t pick up the phone and he sent a message saying to please contact him when I feel like talking.
About the past travels, I have no way to find out if they were real, they are not big travels, just 3-4 h travels by car, so I don’t think he could prove much, I know at least one was real because he sent me a pic from there. I don’t have a close relation with his coworkers, so don’t want to go on stalker mode to ask them.
I’m a bit bitter at the moment, my moods have phases, if he contacts me tomorrow I’ll send him a text saying “sorry, I’m in a business travel”.February 20, 2018 at 3:47 pm #689909
Hannah, the answers are within you. No, I am not trying to sound like a fortune cookie but it’s true. You used a phrase I always used before I found out “too good to be true”. You also mention not being close to his coworkers. After three years, I would question why.
I know I sound negative about this. But three months into my situation, I thought about reaching out to the person I thought could give me a clue as to why some of his behavior was off. I was talked out of it promptly by my sister and best friend and told that it was inappropriate. I told him I was thinking of sending her a message and he advised me to do whatever felt right and to know that he loved me and supported my every decision and if this would make me feel better, then I had his blessing. I chose not to send the message and I felt like a fool for considering it. Fast forward one year and he and I had moved in with each other for one month and I calculated he was out of the home almost one week for “work”. Turned out he lived with that person I thought to contact. Unreal. I blew his entire life to pieces by telling the truth. In a million years I could not have imagined that scenario.
Do yourself a favor and start listening to that voice inside that is telling something is off. Fix it now or walk away but do not continue to stick your head in the sand. What I would do to go back to that moment that I wanted to send a message…February 20, 2018 at 3:53 pm #689911
I understand you are upset and rightly so. I also understand why you after 3 years together and talk of a future together don’t want to just break things off without letting him show you he is telling the truth NOW. I had something similar happen with my husband when we were dating. I caught him in a white lie about a trip he took that he said he went alone but he took a girl he was dating at the time. We had broken up during that time and were both dating other people so I couldn’t understand why he chose to lie. And when I caught him in it he immediately got defensive and pissed off and we got in a fight and he left. But it didn’t take him long before he apologized, told me he hadn’t wanted to hurt my feelings and when we first started dating again and it came up it was easier to just say he was alone. But then as time went on and the trip came up later he had to stick with that same story and it just got deeper. He felt really bad, and made every effort to show me he was truthful about everything going forward. He knew he had to rebuild trust and he made very effort to do that because it was important to him.
My concerns in your case is that after 3 years he should know if he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. And moving in together means you see each other EVERY day, so the fact he had to lie in an effort to get a few days on his own would be very alarming to me. And if he was making no effort to apologize and explain but instead throwing the blame on me and trying to make me feel bad The other thing that bothers me is when my husband was traveling for work all the time when we were dating he was calling me, keeping in touch, letting me know where he was, sending pictures of what he was working on, etc. He called and texted me all during the day and never went to bed at night without talking to me. There was never a doubt in my mind that he was where he said he was. So the fact you don’t know if he was really on these trips makes me wonder if you didn’t trust him before this happened.
I think you need to tell him that you are very upset by this, don’t understand why he felt the need to lie to you after you’ve been together for 3 years if he was stressed and needed some time and if you can’t properly communicate with the man you plan to move in with and build a future with then you don’t know how this can work. And certainly if he was stressed about work and it didn’t have anything to do with your relationship then he shouldn’t expect you to be upset. Then tell him you need a few days to think this through and figure out your feelings. That he should certainly understand that because he wanted a few days away from you to start with.
The other thing that makes me wonder if you are both being honest in this relationship is you say in the 3 years you’ve been together you’ve never had an problems before and it was too good to be real. For me that’s a huge red flag that someone in the relationship isn’t voicing their needs, isn’t being honest or communicating with the other. It’s just not normal for couples not to fight or have some kind of disagreements when they’ve been together that long. As a matter of fact, fighting and how you deal with conflict is something that can actually strengthen your relationship and make you realize you two can make things work through the good and bad times. So the fact he couldn’t even tell you when he needed time to himself shows someone who is either afraid or your reaction if they tell you or won’t let you into what is going on with their stress at work. Either way it’s not a good sign. My husband and I had several big fights during the over 3 years we dated before we got married. And your saying you don’t love him because you’re upset that he lied is a manipulative tactic to throw the blame on you for something he did. It shows he won’t take responsibility for his actions and mistakes and isn’t a good trait in a future spouse. Take some days to think this over. If he’s not falling all over himself to apologize to you and prove to you he’s never going to lie to you again then you need to rethink this relationship in the long term. I also think you need to go ahead a schedule a face to face meeting for a few days from now. Seeing his reaction in person will tell you a lot more than a phone call.