He left me for his ex…I need advice


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  • #444048 Reply
    Hannah

    So I have been seeing this guy for about 2 months….we met at a village BBQ. Instantly we hit it off and went out for drinks, we both said we were open to anything happening and wanted to get to know eachother! We went out for dinner a few times and for drinks and by week two he invited me to his house and I actually met his whole family who were very relaxed and cool, He literally texts me all day every day, he invited me to go to a ball with him and to an event with his mum, we went on dog walks and picnics and had a lot of sex too! He made me feel so safe and secure and I knew we would be together…..until….I left his house two days ago in the morning and everything seemed perfectly normal…that night he out the blue sends me a random text stating that he saw his ex earlier and she said she wants to start talking to him again and get back with him and he said he has feelings with her so he wants too.
    Clearly I am devastated….I have no idea where this came from and why the hell he had even met her? all these thoughts pounded in my head like was he texting her whilst we were together? did he arrange for this to happen? has he been thinking about her? I never got a single sign throughout our time together that he had any interest in anyone other than me…literally I thought he had fallen for me the way he was.
    So I told him that Im done and that im so upset and disrespected etc…Also he told me about this ex once and said that they were only together 2 months and she cheated on him,he kept texting me saying “Your so amazing and I will probably regret this” “I would really love to see again one day and try again when ive sorted my head out” obviously I replied with well if you think your going to regret it then why do it…and im not waiting around to be fucked over again!
    Anyway now that I know hes run off back to his ex I honestly cannot get the thoughts out of my head of him being with her…holding her, taking her out on picnics, having sex with her….when that was only me a few days ago :( I hate him I just really want some advice on how to move on from this…I have never had this happen to me before and I am home alone all weekend and I really need some help :(

    #444051 Reply
    Gemini615

    I can offer you advise on the future; stop moving so fast. You were way too available to this man, seeing him to often, texting all day…that is how men get burnt out and it isn’t sustainable. You should never make yourself so available to a man when you don’t know what his intentions are. He has to prove himself to you and earn your time and attention. But you gave in so easily and got caught up and now he’s disposed of you and gone back to the ex. If you had slowed way down and paced the relationship then you may have noticed some red flags that could have prevented you from getting hurt. Honestly it’s a huge red flag to begin with when a man is spending that much time seeing and talking to you every day.

    Go out this weekend, call up some friends and get busy. Staying at home will only make you feel worse. What’s done is done but hopefully you learn a lesson from this.

    #444054 Reply
    Hannah

    I do understand what you are saying but i guess I’m not one to hold back in life and just take things as they come and don’t even think about it, he was treating me very well so I didn’t see the need to slow down….but tbh I feel as though we women can never win…if you take it too slow they get bored and move on…if you take it too fast they want play hard to get….UGH

    #444056 Reply
    alia

    This man is honest. I take honesty any day over some Bologne. Wish him the best and move on. Have the best summer ever with your friends and family. Make the best of this. Rest assured it’s painful now but he didn’t choose you, so he really wasn’t all in. And why would you want someone who’s not all in. You sound fun and open and you deserve someone who will choose you 100%.

    #444066 Reply
    Smaa

    You did nothing wrong , he was just not the one for you , simple as that. There is really no formula to love. It’s either it’s meant to be or its not. And this clearly wasn’t.

    #444072 Reply
    Greenie

    It’s always, always, ALWAYS a huge red flag when a man wants to move too fast. The faster he wants you to be in his life full time is as fast as he can change his mind and dump you. Men should do the pursuing (that way you know he’s interested and invested) but women should control the pace of the relationship. If it moves too fast, you don’t really get to know him and become overly emotionally invested when it may not be a good idea. That’s what happened here. If you had taken things slowly then when he said he was going back to his ex it would have been no big deal, you just carry on dating other guys (which you should have been doing, not being exclusive to this one man that you barely know.)

    Chalk this up to a learning lesson. Make a man work to earn your attention and time. If not what you are saying to him is that your time isn’t worth much. Have a good and rich life outside of men so they are an addition to your life, not your “everything”.

    #444083 Reply
    redcurleysue

    Hi Hannah,

    I know you want to fly by the seat of your pants and throw caution to the wind but let’s look at that concept again.

    Really, you should still have been in the scoping period…what is scoping? Seeing who a man is really. You were doing good with meeting his family, friends and etc. but where were the conversations as to what he wanted, is interested in, goals, dreams, values, and etc. Where were the conversations on his past relationships and what he learned and what he wants now. Maybe you did not get to all these things…and maybe holding your emotions back until you really really fully know a person is wise.

    If your emotions ran ahead of you based on what you hoped he was instead of who he really was then maybe you are not checking a person fully out before giving your heart.

    Give your heart to someone you really know…not someone you are getting to know…there is a difference here. Also, during the scoping period know that anything can happen since you are dealing with the unknown until it becomes known and trusted. Take your time and be a good detective in the future. You will not get blindsided and hurt where you have invested yourself too early.

    Keep the faith…the “one’ is out there for you….this was a dress rehearsal.

    #483981 Reply
    Helen

    Well when I was dating my husband we saw each other all the time. We were engaged 4 months later we met and married 4 month after that. We have been married 44 years.

    But I knew a lady who dated a man for 3 years..they emailed often but only saw each other once a week in between her going over seas for months at a time for work. When he asked her to move in she came part time after two months he was getting fedup. Asked her not to come so often. he ended up back with his ex wife and the lady was pushed out.

    #484237 Reply
    Nellie

    If he wants to go back to that cheating h0e, let him go back and get cheated on again.

    I believe in “once a cheater always a cheater”.

    #484246 Reply
    Jippity

    Hannah,

    I’m really sorry this has happened to you. It sucks. Do try to get together with friends over the weekend, to take your mind off it.

    Try to take some comfort from the following things…

    1. 2 months isn’t that long. They say it takes half the time you’ve been with someone to get over them. In a month you’ll not even be thinking about him.

    2. Better now than when you’ve invested years in a guy. This actually happened to a friend of mine recently. She was with a guy for 3 years, both totally in love. Planned on getting married. In the space of two months he’d bumped in to his ex, dumped my friend and gotten engaged to this other girl.

    3. You are open, loving, generous and kind. It hurts now, but overall your life will be a happier one than his. You attract what you put out there.. you’ve got a lot of love coming your way.

    4. Does he genuinely want you to wait while he tries with his ex? Does he genuinely think you’d take him back?!! Oh, when it stops hurting so much you are going to WET YOURSELF laughing at this one!

    Look after yourself lovely girl. You’ll be OK. x

    #485139 Reply
    nelia

    im kind of in the same situation as you, my ex left me for some other gal without any warning or sign we just had a little misunderstanding and he just walked out on me so i know the pain you are feeling just take it one step at a time keep busy by doing the things that you love,delete him from your social networks and go on like he never existed, and ask all your friends to never mention his name in front of you even if they see him, dont contact him or any of his friends it might be tough now but the world is not all bad just stay beautiful and happy and one day you will meet someone who is really great and you going to wonder where he was all along…remember to do more of what makes you happy and it was not your fault you were good to him and he was lucky to have you one day he will realise that!!!

    #485182 Reply
    kaye

    This post is from July….

    #506722 Reply
    Amy

    Warning: complicated situation. Need help asap. I met my ex years ago, he was married. We were all friends. We had always had a secret attraction to one another. Fast forward. I was also married but unhappy. His wife cheated on him several times. Him and I started seeing each other when his wife kicked him out. It got serious and I left my husband. For the first year there was a lot of flip flopping. I went back to my ex, he went back to his. But in the end we ended up together, both got divorced.

    It’s been almost 4 years, I just had his baby in November. I have 3 kids without him, he has 2 without me. His custody was a big reason we fought. I was overwhelmed because his kids are very needy and he always put them before me in an unhealthy way. In late December we discovered his daughter has type 1 diabetes. Our relationship went rapidly downhill from there. The ex wife constantly calls and texts using diabetes as an excuse. I acted like I jealous psycho and threw fits. I’d say he was gonna get back with his ex. He literally got mad and said at least a hundred times he would NEVER get back with his ex.

    We broke up early January but I didn’t think much of it because we have a history of breaking up and getting back together all the time. The whole month of January we fought and I found out he was going out partying with the ex. When I confronted him he would say they’re just friends and it’s not my business because we’re not together. This infuriated me and I ended up basically acting psycho. I mean, he’s already left me for her twice now, and he did the one thing he swore to me would never ever happen.

    So now he’s there every day, sometimes stating the night. He comes over to see our baby and I swear he’s stringing me along. I wish I knew for sure if he’s just wasting time to make sure I’m wiling to change (I need to accept his kids) or if I was a 4 year rebound and he’s now with his true love. He’ll make comments like ‘I got my hair cut but nobody seems to notice’.. Like he was upset I didn’t fall all over him because of his hair cut. Or I’ll talk about getting new vehicle and he says “well I tried to get you to buy a Honda Pilot but guess you didn’t want enough seating for my kids”. And then there’s this. He works out of town for weeks at a time and just today I asked “do you still want me and baby to come visit you out of town?” he said “we’ll see”.

    Today when he was holding baby I leaned on his chest, for half a second he put his hand on my side, then pulled back quickly. Then I sweetly said “I miss you do you miss me?” he said “I don’t miss being yelled at or not being the man of the house”. I kissed his chest and he abruptly jumped up and I think he started to get a bone.

    But 3 hours later I called to ask a question about a vehicle, he answered phone and responded, but he was at ex wife’s houae. I said oh you’re at her house. He said “just watching cartoons with my kids”. I feel like he could’ve easily said Ya so what, but instead led me to believe he’s not there for the ex but to spend extra time with his kids. Not sure if this matters but he’s a mama’s boy and he NEEDS someone to take care of him at all times. So it’s killing me that I don’t know if he wants his ex wife, or if he’s just using her as a safe haven to hide the pain from our breakuoe, or using her to make me jealous so I beg for him. Please help, I’m literally going insane.

    #565768 Reply
    berna

    Hi I need your help

    #565775 Reply
    Trisha

    I met a divorced man with kids with his ex wife who happened cheated on him. He’s work is so demanding like hell. He is serving the country as a soldier. The ex wife reason out that she cheat because this man disappear for 9years due to his demanding work. I was 21 years old, He was then 40yrs old. We fell in love after getting to know each other. After a month or two, he asked me to marry him but I told him No and I am not ready. He accepted it and understand the reason. We continued our relationship and I would say that it was great and exciting but We are in a long distance relationship since he was assigned anywhere in the world, you know. As times goes by, our relationship was strong, we get to know more about each other. it was wonderful. we are so open to each other, he let me know and always updates me when he talked to his kids and ex wife. By that time, he told me that his ex wife was dating someone. I just ignore it cause I don’t care. I was confident that we both love each other. he is so honest with me and that’s how I fell deeper. I knew that he do really love me and been planning out future together but then, he continually doing the right thing with his obligation with his kids and oh by thee way the second child was not his,that kid was the father of the ex wife partner. He is such a good person to accept the responsibility for that child. I admired him that much. He then share that his kids always longing for him, they need a father etcetera. Of course, always with contact with his ex wife due to their kids. Before then, he wanted to let me go because he wanted me to be with someone that my age and not like with him who is aged already, I told him it doesn’t matter, I love him so much. We still continue and stay strong. When the time comes, he told me that he wanted to find a job that will made him to stay in just one place not like what he used to do. I supported him of course, until something happened there is an emergency. he was with his two kids and ex wife in one roof, he told me nothing happen becoz he was there for the kids only,then finally moment of truth, we talked and he told me he wanted to give a second chance his family and her ex wife. He told me that his ex wife told him that she is single again and she still love him all of a sudden. so when they happened to talked about things. he decided to let me go. when I was listening to him I felt so numb and have nothing to say but to let him go. Hope you can give an advice for me.

    #600646 Reply
    Lauren lalla

    So I’m in the same position met this guy 2 years ago we did everything as a couple but he never made any final decision to be in a relationship due to pass relationship I always taught things woukd get better but a week ago I realized he started back seeing his ex this mash me up badly but he continued to say he promise to fix everything in time help any advise

    #600660 Reply
    April

    Fascinating how people can dig up posts from 2015!!!!! Start a new thread ladies! :))

    #600665 Reply
    Raven

    So Lauren, you’ve been together for 2 years…
    Suddenly, he’s back with his ex, but tells you to wait cos he’s going to fix everything?

    Talk about slimey…

    Of course you’re not going to wait around.

    #633682 Reply
    Marci

    My boyfriend of 9 months broke up with me five days ago and I am having a really hard time. He left me for the girl he dated before me. Although he said he loved her she was not a very nice person and had commitment issues. I stayed knowing he was getting over her.

    A couple of months later he told me that we were in a relationship as he had developed feelings for me. We were together every night for months a break here and there but still saw each other a minimum of 5 nights a week. We planned camping trips and vacations (which I paid for as I had more money). He was adoring attentive affectionate, and I fell in love with him.

    A couple of months ago, he had gone and had dinner with his ex. He apologized when I said I am not ok with that. She hurt you and because I am loyal it hurts me that you would still see and talk to her. Two days later he tried to end it but changed his mind. Up until a week ago we had been getting closer and closer. Then I received a text that he was no longer happy in our relationship 2 hours after I left his house to go to work. We had even made plans for later that night and had a big camping trip planned. He promised it was not about another woman. He paid me for his plane ticket and texted me that he did me wrong and that he is sorry.

    He next day I saw on Facebook that he and his awful ex were back together. I texted (after deleting Facebook) and said that he lied and again. Which he replied that it was none of my business. I told him that he was right but even though he wronged me I didn’t wanna see him hurt. He deserves better. He said I was the kindest person he has ever met and that I deserved better than what he did to me.

    Thing is I can’t stop feeling for him, or thinking about him. I still love him. I am afraid to leave my house because I don’t want to run into him. I haven’t contacted him since Thursday and he hasn’t tried to contact me. Why does that hurt even more… please help me.

    #676626 Reply
    nicole

    I am struggling and hoping for some advice. I met this guy I fell head over heels for. We dated about 8 times over the course of 6 weeks. we had a great time together, but never slept together, as I wanted to wait and then asked for a std test. We had planned a camping trip together, and then bought our gear and the following day, i got a text from him saying he couldn’t do it and didn’t want to go forward. I was devastated that we had a trip planned over labor day and then he disappeared without much reason via text after buying camping provisions. It took me awhile to get over that, but I focused on me and becoming better and more positive. Over Thanksgiving, I still thought about him, and reached out via text. To my surprise, he responded and then I asked him to come by for drinks. He agreed. He apologized for his behaviors stating he was afraid, that he had feelings for me, but just got scared. he also admitted he still had some uncertainty around his personal relationship with his ex. (was married for 22 years and they have 2 grown children together) i asked if he wanted to get back together, and he said not really, but felt drawn to her by the holy spirit. a week later, he asked me to be his date to a wedding and then we began talking and hanging out again. i let him set the tone of the relationship by never initiating texts or calls or dates and mirroring where he was with the i miss you and can’t wait to see you agains. christmas came in the mix and i had plans to travel to nj. he wanted to spend it together, but he lives in nc. so, we kept in contact throughout the holiday, he picked me up at the airport the day after christmas and it was weird. he seemed off. he wouldn’t stay over that night, saying he wasn’t feeling well. this would have been our first opportunity to spend a night together with our schedules and i hadn’t seen him in days since i was travelling so i was disappointed. i even asked if it had anything to do with him spending time with his family the past few days, and he said no, but my gut said he was acting weird. the following day we texted normally and i asked if he was coming over that night or if he still wasn’t feeling well. he took 4 hours to reply with “don’t think i can do it tonight”. then called later and said he was over the ex’s house to fill with propane for the heat as it’s getting cold this winter and she “dropped a bombshell” stated she still has feelings for him. he told me he was torn and confused and ‘caught between a rock and a hard place’. he said he doesn’t even think it would work with her, but felt a part of him needed to try to reconcile with his family and he wanted to be honest with me and tell me. he didn’t really make the decision, so after he said he’s caught between a rock and a hard place, i said, let me make this easier on you then. so, i bowed out. he said he knew i’d say that and wouldn’t respect me if i didn’t. did he set me up to do this?? i just don’t understand how he can be texting me i miss you can’t wait to be with you, planned new years together and a ski trip and then literally over night we are done. (again). was all those texts and times together meaningless? a lie? i feel so hurt that he did this to me again. i guess i can’t seem to move on because i believed he cared, but how can you care and then drop me like a bad habit overnight? if you didn’t care, why come back to me and put in all the time and energy the past few weeks, esp since we still weren’t being intimate? it’s like whenever we were at a stage to get more serious (overnights and trips planned) he bolted.

    #676655 Reply
    Hannah

    Nicole you knew after the 1st time you dated he had feelings for his ex. He even admitted it and you went back, when he’d let you down so badly over camping etc too.

    I think you were a rebound. He probably wanted things to work with you in some way, but his heart was elsewhere. You knew it was, he told you. He was trying to move on with you but he still has feelings for her.

    #753930 Reply
    Shauna Schultz

    so I’ve been seeing this guy for over 2 months now. The first month.. this guy had a girlfriend and said he wanted to leave her because they were always arguing, he never wanted to come home to her for the past year, they always build up so much anger towards each other and it’s just toxic. Well I told him I wasn’t waiting around anymore .. so he broke up with his girl that night I said it. Kicked her out once the end of the month was up and took her off the lease and made her get her own place. So I spent everyday and night with him after that. He started eating again, gaining weight, being happy, and telling me he loves me. He met my family and pulled my mom aside saying his intentions with me… I also met his family , friends, co workers as well. He would surprise me with food and if I didn’t have the gas he would come 35 minutes to see me. About a week after she moved out.. he said he misses her but doesn’t want her back just had to figure out what he really wants because but he was with his ex for 5 years. Well, about a week after he said that.. I texted his ex asking what’s going on between them two? And that day he chose her. Which makes no sense. Because she threatened to kill herself over him, and came to his apartment banging on his door and screaming and trying to break in and blowing up his phone because he wasn’t responding back to her. Do you have any ideas as to why he would want to go back to a toxic relationship of 5 years , thinking things will change if they haven’t before? Versus trying and taking a chance with me?

    #753933 Reply
    Anon

    History

    He’s chosen her so the only thing you can do now is move on. Next time, don’t date someone that is already taken or fresh out of a relationship.

    #753932 Reply
    Merryl

    He’s addicted to the drama. Let him go. You don’t need this man.

    #753934 Reply
    Shauna Schultz

    He claims they are working things out now. He let me keep his $500 tens unit … he said “just because I didn’t chose you , doesn’t mean I don’t care about you”
    Also said to me yesterday “If I was at a different point in my life I think things could’ve been different. I’m not going tying to give you any false hope but I never lied about my feelings…It wasn’t that you weren’t good enough for me. It’s that I wasn’t good enough for you at this point in time and for that I’m sorry…You truly are a super sweet girl and deserve someone that will truly treat you right. I’m sorry that I couldn’t be that person I truly am sorry…I’m sorry for everything I should’ve never let you get so close and tell you that I love you and everything when I had felt the way I did. It was wrong for me to so ”
    like why would he say this stuff to me. Why would he do the stuff he did for me just to go back to his toxic ex that he complained about so much? Why would he kick her out, make her get her own apartment and a week later try and work things out. He also has a roommate, so they were splitting the cost …$400 each (3 ways) even his bestfriend /roommate said he would rather struggle and pay $800 a month for rent to see his bestfriend happy with me than to not struggle and always here the bitching and the yelling. His bestfriend told me (who I am very close with and have been before I met “Jesse “ ) told me “thank you for bringing jesse back to who he really is.. like I just don’t understand

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