This topic contains 68 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Rebecca 6 days, 12 hours ago.
May 18, 2017 at 3:28 pm #627639
I have been with my boyfriend for about four years and at he proposed to me on my birthday in October and we were so happy. He was really excited (maybe more than me!) about the engagement (he’d told me he wanted to marry me from almost the month we met!). Our relationship was great, very happy, he was always affectionate, sex life great, always laughing and having a good time. He’s very kind, loving, supportive – my best friend for sure. We’re 34 (me) and 39 (him).
The last few months, he seemed off a little. He was always home on time and always called and was just as affectionate and kind and sweet, but he was having difficulty sleeping and a lot of tiredness. He has some serious financial pressures that he has been finding overwhelming but he kept saying he was so glad we had each other because he couldn’t cope without me. I heard him talking on the phone to his best friend saying he felt ashamed he couldn’t provide for me etc. but I comforted him and told him things will be okay and it’s not so bad.
Apart from seeming tired, he also was a little clingy to me, asking me to stay with him and not wanting to go out with his friends or anything. He generally seemed happy though, just stressed and tired and wanting to be at home. If anything we were closer than ever.
Three months ago, he just disappeared. He didn’t come home that night from work and he is always on time, so I was worried instantly and kept calling and calling but no answer. He sent me a message the next morning (after I was awake all night and calling the police and everything) and it just said “I can’t continue, I am sorry, I love you. I got in my car and drove across the country and cried all night. I will explain later”.
I didn’t understand but he wouldn’t reply to any messages or calls and our friends and family were calling him and he wouldn’t answer to anyone apart from to say once that he was okay and he needed to “get equilibrium” and he would explain later.
After ten days of this, he finally called me and he was very cold, like a different person and he told me he didn’t love me and didn’t want to marry me or even ever see me again. He said he’d talked to the rental agency and cancelled the lease on our house and I had until the end of the month to leave and to put my keys on the counter.
I was devastated obviously, but in shock so I did as he said and just kept trying to talk to him and always got the same answer. After about three weeks of this, I finally saw him and he was crying and he told me he really loved me but he had to get away and he was sorry about it. I was trying to get him to explain why and all he said was that he felt like he wanted to die and he needed to be alone. I tried everything to talk to him, spend time with him but he was steadfast about it all and kept insisting all he needed was to get away.
So he left and told me he didn’t want any contact with me at all, he said that I made him feel worse (he can’t say why). It’s up and down, one minute he cries and says he loves me and he is so sorry for the pain he is putting me in and the next minute he is very cold /nasty and tells me he doesn’t love me /doesn’t feel anything and just wants me to go away and leave him alone.
I can see he’s depressed or upset or in a bad state mentally but he seemed pretty normal before the day he left, so it seems like leaving made it much worse. I convinced him to see a doctor and he got anti depressant medication but after 2 months it hasn’t worked and if anything he is even more cold and emotionless.
Can anyone help me or tell me what is going on here? I feel like he didn’t ever love me to be doing all this and I miss him so much and feel so confused.May 18, 2017 at 3:38 pm #627641
It sounds like he had some sort of a mental breakdown.
I had a friend go through something similar with a girl he’d been dating who was schizophrenic. He knew she was, but never saw any evidence of it. Then she went off her meds. She vanished on him in a similar fashion.
This is evidence of mental illness. Normal people do not just take off and drive halfway across the country. I think he was misdiagnosed with depression, that he has a worse mental illness than that…what you are describing is bipolar or schizophrenia…but I am not a doctor, clearly.
At the end of the day, you have to realize there is nothing you can do. You have done all you could to provide him with love and support. My thought is that if he should “regain his equilibrium,” and return, another year will pass with everything perfect and then he’ll go off the rails again. You would have been signing up for a lifetime of hell with this man had you married him.May 18, 2017 at 3:38 pm #627642
He had a crisis. He realized that he had created a life for himself that he thought he wanted, but then he had an epiphany and realized that it’s not what he wants. And that what he wants and what will make him happy is something completely different, but he may not know yet what it is. Sometimes we go along with things just because it’s something that we are supposed to do, getting married and starting a family is one of those things, it seems. Well, give this man credit that he realized quickly this is not what he wants. He could have also realized it two kids in and then it would be a lot harder on everyone.
Take his example and do something extraordinary with your life. Go do great things and stop worrying about this dude. And I am sorry this happened to you. But I am sure you know by now that it is for the best.May 18, 2017 at 3:46 pm #627644
I’m very sorry. Agree with the others that this is about him, not you. Also agree with Shannon that it’s a serious mental break, not just depression (most really depressed people wouldn’t have the engery to drive across the country). Just up and disappearing like that, he really really snapped. I would suspect bipolar because it can cause extremely dramatic and erratic actions. If he just wanted to break up, obviously he didn’t have to drive across the country to do that.
I know you are sad but I think in time you will realize that this is for the best. It’s very hard to live, long term, with someone with those kinds of mental issues. Bipolar is serious, and can be stabilizing with meds but people often go off them. i predict other erratic things would happen if you were to get back together with him. (and I wouldn’t be surprised, given how you describe things, if he comes “back”) But think long and hard about what YOU want for YOUR future and if this man could provide it.May 18, 2017 at 3:49 pm #627645
Thank you for replying, but the part that confuses me the most is that if someone is realising they don’t love you / don’t want to be with you….surely there is some signal?
Like less sex, wanting to spend less time with you.
None of this happened, he was really happy / normal / wanting to be with me all the time and we were just normal people.
The night before we spent the night on the floor in the den with blankets and a bottle of wine and watched old movies and we were laughing the whole time and his eyes were looking at me with such a complete look of love for me.
I can’t understand how his feeling were gone 24 hours later.
His behavior wasn’t even normal refusing to even see or speak to me. We were best friends, if he wanted to break up why didn’t he just tell me nicely and act considerate? He was such a kind person it’s nothing like him to do thisMay 18, 2017 at 3:54 pm #627646
Thank you for those responses on mental health.
He did seem normal before he left, just tired and withdrawn, but afterwards he was very bad.
I’d estimate in the last three months a weight loss of about 40lbs and he was a slender guy so he looks terrible.
He also seems depressed sometimes, sometimes he cries and says he wants to die (when he cries this goes on for many hours of just sobbing) and he drinks a LOT and I don’t think he sleeps. He sometimes messages me or calls me when he is feeling low or suicidal and at those times I will stay awake with him to try and keep him safe. Worried all the time he will kill himself. He says sometimes nice things, like he is grateful and he is sorry and I don’t deserve this and other times he acts like he hates me or I irritate him. He says he finds it very difficult to do anything (dress, wash, lean the house)
Other times he is very cold and angry and mean to me and at those times he seems almost like he sneers at me and find it funny. I can’t describe it – it is really strange, like is possessed. He says he find it difficult not to laugh sometimes and say strange sexual comments and he’s been in trouble at work for this.
The “old” him never seems to be present. I don’t understand any of this.May 18, 2017 at 3:55 pm #627648
Also, if he has had a breakdown or depression why doesn’t he want me near to support him and help him? I just love him and want to help him and he acts like I am trying to attack him or trick him or something.May 18, 2017 at 3:57 pm #627649
Is it possible that something/someone has threatened to expose something he’s done? This happened to some one I know quite recently. He had a one night stand with a girl when they were on a break. The girl got pregnant and had a baby and she was blackmailing him or she would tell his wife. He had a complete breakdown under the pressure. The story doesn’t have a happy ending. I’m not saying it’s something as extreme as this but some people crack under pressure and think it’s easier to ‘run away’ from the source of the problemMay 18, 2017 at 3:57 pm #627650
I hear what you are saying, but not necessarily– sometimes when people are thinking of leaving they actually OVER compensate, almost in an attempt to either try to convince themselvers or because they are feeling lots of uncertainty but they don’t want you to figure that out until they’ve made a final decision.
I think I did that with my ex. I was thinking of leaving for a long time, but I would have periods of doubt and then be extra loving. It wasn’t intentional, I was just working out my feelings and wanted to do that privatelyMay 18, 2017 at 4:00 pm #627651
When people are seriously depressed/struggling with mental health issues they VERY VERY often push everyone away. Their self worth is incredibly low, they don’t want to be a burden, they can’t handle the responsibility of worrying about what anybody else is feeling, etc. They almost always isolate rather than turn to others when it gets REALLY REALLY dark. it’s not like just being stressed out about something and wanting to talk to a friend. Their brain chemistry is changed. They aren’t seeing things realistically.May 18, 2017 at 4:00 pm #627653
He definitely has a serious mental illness.
This has nothing to do with whether or not he loves you.
The drinking is a symptom…people with serious mental illnesses often attempt to self medicate with alcohol.
Everything you are describing is either bipolar or schizophrenia. I’ve experienced a bit of the way people who are bipolar behave-I had an ex who had quite a few family members who were bipolar, so I observed the erratic behavior first hand. (He was adopted, so he was not, however). And yes, the person can seem like two different people sometimes.
Of course you don’t understand. You’re trying to apply reason and rational behavior to a sick person whose behavior is unreasonable and irrational. It is beyond understanding for a person who is mentally healthy.May 18, 2017 at 4:02 pm #627654
And you’re asking why he doesn’t want you around to support or help him through this…because he’s crazy. Do you understand that he’s crazy? He is not going to behave in a rational reasonable way.May 18, 2017 at 4:06 pm #627655
Are you sure from reading this that you think mental illness is the cause? I can maybe live with that, because there is a reason for him to act so cruel to me.
My struggle is feeling like this person I lived with and loved so many years just hates me and it’s making me feel pretty traumatised and confused and wondering what I did wrong.
Worse, feeling like maybe I never knew him at all.May 18, 2017 at 4:16 pm #627659
Yes, Rebecca, I am as sure as I can be without actually being a psychiatrist and having him in the chair to diagnose him. Based on what you’ve said, he sounds extremely unbalanced. Just from the fact that he just took off across the country letting his fiancé and family worry themselves sick about him. That was even before you added in all the other stuff.
It’s not you. It’s something going wrong in his brain.May 18, 2017 at 4:19 pm #627661
Rebecca, I’m so sorry for the pain you are experiencing.
I’m no doctor, and certainly won’t attempt to diagnose him-but normal, emotionally healthy people don’t treat others this way.
You can not be his friend or support network. You HAVE to detach completely to heal. I don’t think you have any future with this man unless you prefer to live in hell.
This is actually the universe giving you a wakeup call (saving you from a lifetime of insanity and misery). Could you imagine having children with a man this unbalanced (how awful). I know it will take time before you can see this situation for the blessing it is, but in time you will realized how fortunate you are this happened before you married him.
You need to cut all contact with him, this isn’t healthy for you, nor will it do anything but suck you into a toxic waste of crazy that prevents any true happiness.
Take care of you now. He needs to get the help he needs, you aren’t his doctor, nurse, or therapist. But you are entitled to mourn, heal, and move on to find TRUE happiness.May 18, 2017 at 4:20 pm #627662
You are in complete denial about this man. You are a walking, talking co-dependent and trust me these men will suck the life out of you the longer you are with them,
You are in complete denial about this man…one minute you paint this rosy portrait and the longer you keep adding to it shows this was a very unhealthy dynamic from the get go. He must have a mental illness…none of us are professionals but you would have had a life time of misery with this man.
You lack self control, esteem and above all respect. This man would make a horrible partner and especially father. I honestly believe YOU need to seek therapy because yMay 18, 2017 at 4:23 pm #627664
ugh…didn’t finish (darn advert)
You lack self control, esteem and above all respect. This man would make a horrible partner and especially father. I honestly believe YOU need to seek therapy because your definition of'”NORMAL” is not normal at all, its highly dysfunctional, and you truly need to outside help because you lack the emotional IQ or clarity to even see it.May 18, 2017 at 4:23 pm #627665
Lane, this man was my partner FOR YEARS and he was a wonderful partner.
Do you have a partner? Imagine you’re happy for many years and he just disappears and acts like a completely different person all of a sudden?May 18, 2017 at 4:27 pm #627667
Rebecca– I don’t say this harshly, but of COURSE he is mentally ill. He’s sucidal at times, drinking too much, and drove across the country on a whim. You must realize this isn’t your average “hey, I just decided I’m not really ready to get married so we should break up” break up. You say he doesn’t even seem like the same person. Everything you desribe is textbook bipolar 1 (bipolar 2 is a milder form of hte same disease ). Schizophrenia usually includes things like parnaoia/being completely out of touch with reality (my cousin has it) and has an onset age of early 20’s for most people. I don’t know how old his is?
You should read up about bipolar disorder and other mental health issues. If nothing else, it will help you understand this isn’t your fault, and it isn’t your responsibility.May 18, 2017 at 4:34 pm #627669
We can’t control what others do or don’t do…but him telling me he loves me then taking it back would hit my pride and dignity and I’d leave him to his own. You are chasing him now on the premise of you are afraid he will hurt himself…can’t do it.
Read about suicide and know that when this happens, it is because the side of the person wanting to die won the battle and it has nothing to do with you.
All you can do is let him know you are there for him should he need a friend but any mental health issues require a trained professional…your love will never be enough and I think Lane is hitting on that. You cannot save him and you shouldn’t want to…you are there to be a support and his equal, not his healer and consequential punching bag.
Sorry. I know it hurts but he did make his decision and left you to find out about it in such a cruel way.May 18, 2017 at 4:36 pm #627670
Thanks Maria. It’s very difficult for me to see clearly or logically about any of this because I’m shaken and confused. I’m used to so many years of being with him and knowing him so well, and he was always really calm (zero drama) and very kind and gentle to everyone and when he talks I believe whatever he says because i am used to that with him.
I have had friends who were depressed before, one friend very bad and she could not work for years but this is not like that. It’s like a stranger, not the same person and a lot of angry rages.May 18, 2017 at 4:37 pm #627671
Thanks Laura, I know you can’t save other people and all that but if your partner is sick it’s normal to want to help. You don’t just walk away from that easily.
If he cheated it’s different, this is very different and very hard to understand in my shoes.May 18, 2017 at 4:39 pm #627672
You saying he was always REALLY calm makes me wonder if he was on psych meds and went off them.
No way to tell now.May 18, 2017 at 4:59 pm #627677
No, I knew him for 25 years (mutual best friends from college days), he never had mental illness, no bad relationship history, no medication, no problems at all.
He was just an average guy, kind, generous and always considerate. I was with him for years and never saw him behave badly. He was a very easy-going happy guy.
Our friends and family are as shocked and confused as I am, but they are asking me if there is something they didn’t know about (some think I was maybe having an affair for him to behave so crazy) but honestly, no, there was nothing going on. Normal life and then this.May 18, 2017 at 5:41 pm #627684
I’m sorry but this story doesn’t right at all…has more holes than swiss cheese. I highly doubt that someone in their late 30’s suddenly gets a mental illness out of the blue.
Was he a chronic drinker? You said he drank a LOT (emphasized it) as that definitely could have a lot to do with his body and brain no longer functioning normally. Alcohol affects every single nerve and organ in the body—too much can definitely make people do and say weird stuff that they wouldn’t do when sober.
I think you should go to an al-anon meeting and see if the things he said and does is more inline with alcoholism…may very well help you find the answer you seek.