He has a soft spot for me What to do?


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  • #628993 Reply
    Gemma

    Hi all,

    I’ve been dating with the most Wonderful (though complicated) men for almost 12 months now. The last few months have been a bit different and more serious than before (we discuss serious topics for example). He has had a few rough months with work and a personal situation in the family.

    Lately (for the last few weeks) he is being a bit distant but then again he is really sweet. Which is quiet confusing. This week I have been out for drinks with a male friend of mine and for some kind of reason is triggered so jealousy within him which I thought was a good sign…

    Since I’m really looking for a bit a clarity in this grey area I decided to give him a call today to see why he got so jealous this week. He laughed it off a bit. So since I was speaking to him on the phone I thought; I might as well start the topic about where we stand (I know, guys hate that talk!). First he said: Let’s discuss this subject face to face this weekend (I agreed). Then he mentioned “I want to be without you but I have a soft spot/weakness for you so I can not seem to get away from you”. Initially I was quiet shocked because he hardly ever speaks about his feelings/emotions so I was surprised because to me this sounds really personal and it gives me the idea he is a bit insecure.

    As a lady I tend to overanalyze a lot, I mean A LOT. That’s why I wanted to share this situation with you.

    Let me break it down:
    – He is having a rough patch with his work the last couple of months
    – He had a tough family situation for the last 2 weeks which made a bit emotional (to me the seemed unlikely because he never shares his emotions…)
    – He never broke up with me. I just feel an emotional distance but he keeps calling/texting me (frequency is a bit less than normal)
    – He still wants to meet up with me (frequency is a bit less than normal)
    – He said he has a weak spot for me (I asked him if that made him feel uncomfortable but he didn’t reply)
    – He wants to talk face to face
    – He can not give me a clear answer is we are just friends of if we are still dating exclusively
    – I am not seeing someone else
    – He said he is not seeing another woman and I actually believe him.

    What do you think?

    #628996 Reply
    Kayla

    I think 12 months is more than long enough to know if he wants you as a gf. I am not a fan of people who speak in riddles and leave it up to you to interpret, his vague response suggests to me that he is emotionally unavailable and that while he likes your company, he isn’t willing to take things further than what you have right now which appears to be a friends with benefits and on his terms.

    #629014 Reply
    Hannah

    I don’t think this is going anywhere. After a year, he’s not in love with you and actually wants to be without you? That wouldn’t be enough for me. In my serious relationships, we’ve been talking about moving in together after a year and we absolutely know we love each other. All this guy has is a weak spot for you he doesn’t even want to have.

    Keep an open mind and see what he says when you talk. If he doesn’t want serious after all this time though, he won’t ever. It will then be up to you to decide if you want to put up with an endlessly casual situation or walk away and find a proper relationship.

    #629021 Reply
    Joe

    The most revealing thing he said was; “I want to be without you..” He obviously likes you and enjoys your company, but he isn’t in love you. If you see him face to face, he might even say he loves you as a friend. Don’t pin your hopes and dreams on this guy.

    #629040 Reply
    Emma

    Gemma, if you are in a position to see a man who is clearly not serious about you for the next who knows how many months, then do it. He said “he wants to be without you”. This is worse than “I don’t know what I feel”. He knows you are not the one, very clearly, but don’t want to break it off just yet. Unfortunately men do that, it is very lame, but many men do that.

    I also find it bizarre that you would just ask him “why do you feel jealous and lets talk about it”. You are not his therapist, those feelings are delicate, it is very hard to reveal them, very hard to talk about them, do you not understand it? If he asked you directly “do you feel jealous about me going on a date with another woman last week, lets talk about why”, how would you feel? I think you were trying to force emotions out of him for your ego while being quite insensitive. You are being a nurse Ratchet. LOL. You can’t find clarity this way.

    Very often when people are confronting us with “do you love me” type of questions, it is almost natural to fight it or brush it off, or say something that would not be true. You can’t force someone to become vulnerable in such a way. This should come naturally, you can try and start a conversation of this nature but calling someone to “get clarity” and ask them about why they got jealous..??

    Clarity comes from the situation and a multitude of factors, in your case it is clear that he does not see you as the one. This does not mean he has no feelings for you at all but it means he sees no serious future with you. He might stay with you for another year or even longer, he might be faithful during this time, most men are actually, but he will not want to marry you. 12 months is enough for him to know it very clearly.

    If you want marriage then you better stop seeing him and move on. It does not feel like you are in love with him, so hopefully it will not be too hard on you.

    #629054 Reply
    MariaTheOriginal

    “I want to be without you but i have a soft spot for you”?
    This is ridiculous.
    you don’t carry on for a man for 12 months not having a clue where you stand and then he comes up with this? This is the first time he’s talked about his feelings? 12 months and you get
    “I have a soft spot for you” and it’s prefaced by “i want to be without you?”
    Talk about settling for crumbs.
    Surely you must know this is going nowhere other than him using you

    #629088 Reply
    kaye

    After 12 months “He can not give me a clear answer is we are just friends of if we are still dating exclusively” What?!?!? Did it every occur to you that this man hasn’t shared his emotions with you because he doesn’t have any emotions for you? That he’s not in love with you? He can’t even say if you’re friends or dating! At a year my husband and I were discussing marriage and the future together!! And I certainly knew where I stood with him.

    I’m sorry to say but it sounds to me like you are a placeholder girlfriend (maybe not even that but FWB) until he finds “the one.” Because if you were the one he wanted a future with he would be making DAMN sure he locked you down you weren’t going out with another guy instead of just getting a little jealous over it.

    #629128 Reply
    Prairiegirl

    If anyone told me that he wants to be without me but he has a weakness (soft spot) for me and he cant seem to let go, I would make it easy…

    I WOULD RUN SO FAST>>>>>

    #629175 Reply
    Algo

    I know you’re used to him being there and you’ve invested so it’s pretty awful to have to deal with, but this is one of the least good excuses I’ve ever read on here. ‘I want to be without you’ isn’t even lukewarm or half-interested, it’s wanting to be rid of you.

    Just, please rethink this situation. You can do so much better than someone who wants to be without you bit still wants to keep you around until he finds sth he likes better.

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