Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › He calls me "Friend"
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Raven.
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JessRay
I’ve been a lurker and have seen some people post some good advice here so hoping you all can do the same for me. I am utterly confused with the guy I’m dating. Bit of history, we’ve been friends for a couple years and he pursued until I finally gave in. Went on dates about 1xweek for about 2 months and now see each other 3-4 times a week. We haven’t had the talk about being exclusive, but he keeps in contact everyday and calls. I’m pretty sure he is not dating anyone else because the nights he is not with me, he will text me and call me. But again, we’ve not officially discussed it. Sometimes it is a little much. We have been sleeping together for a couple of months. Most of the time when we we see each other, it will end with us sleeping together but not always. Sometimes we will go out for dinner and go back to each other’s house to watch movies and cuddle. Usually we will cuddle after sleeping together, but sometimes he or I need to leave because of our work schedules. We occasionally will sleep over on the weekends. He used to ask me out in advance, but now waits until the day of, but will still plan fun things aside from just dinner and a movie. We laugh together and he teases me. Sometimes he takes it too far, but I honestly think it is because he is a man-child and does not know when to stop. He will listen to me and stop when I tell him I am uncomfortable with it. I tease him as well but know where to draw the line. The problem is that he keeps calling me his FRIEND. I tell him I do not sleep with friends. He’s dropped the “friend” word probably about 4 times in the past 3 months. We have great conversations, but only occasionally do they get deep. Usually it’s chit chat and laughing about things we like. My confusion lies with him calling me “friend.” I have no idea if I am just a FWB or what. The uncertainty is starting to make me insecure and I’m sure not as fun to be around. From everything I’ve read, I should wait for the guy to bring up the DTR talk. I know I’ve made myself a bit too available which is probably why he asks me out same day, so I will be taking a step back to reconnect with myself as well as try and figure out my feelings, but what the heck?! Why would he text me/call me/want to see me so much if I am just a “friend” even if it is just FWB in his mind. I know I am hung up on that word, but seriously? I am just so confused.
Patricia
A lot of relationships can be like a ham and egg breakfast. The pig is committed but the chicken is only involved. This guy sounds like a chicken. Give him plenty of space and don’t let him make you simply an option.
Janet
You need to speak to him and find out what is going on and what he is actually looking for. You can do this by letting him know, ‘generally – not with him’ telling him what you want and see for yourself. E.G. ….I’m looking for a serious monogamous relationship with a great fun guy who is open to experiencing new things with me – I’m dating to find the kind of man that…. (add what you want here)…and then ask, “what are you looking for?” Then listen carefully to him. I think you need to do this sooner rather than later if only to protect your heart. In future, try to set some ground rules / boundaries and find out what the other person wants. If you are afraid to ask – it’s a bad sign, love is not fear.
sarita
Choose a man ugly or socially poorer than u. then things work out.:-) its still a mans world.
Pasito
Hmm okay so when he calls you his friend and you reply, “I don’t sleep with friends,” what does he say? That’s the point at which I would imagine you could have the conversation.
Rose
In the future ask first what he wants, so there’s no doubt.
They can say a relationship and then take it back but at least you can dump them and move on as opposed if you don’t ask and get emotionally attached and ask after, then they can say “well, you never asked”
redcurleysue
Many times the words a man says show the abundance of what is in his heart. He calls you friend and that is what you are to him.
You have known this guy for 2 years…and he has known about you. He feels towards you friendship. I did not hear romance in that.
I think if you want more you will have to find someone willing to give you more.
And I do not scoff at good friendships either…when romance fades at times friendship is the basis of lasting love. Romance comes and goes in a long term relationship but friendship is the true glue.
Sin
I think if he wanted to refer to you as his girlfriend and feels that way, he would have by now but in case he’s unsure whether you’re ready for the label, I suggest you should have a chat with him. Since you’ll talk and meet often, have a normal conversation about being exclusive and tell him that you would not like to be referred his friend since you’ll are more than that. Also how did he react when you told him that you don’t sleep with friends? That will say a lot.
Greenie
Here’s my take: your man sees you as a FWB and is keeping his options open. Why? Because he CAN — you haven’t expected anything more of him. Until you’ve had the “exclusive” talk and he’s actually confirmed you are in an exclusive BF/GF relationship then you simply aren’t, and can’t assume that you are. You need to have that talk ASAP or you will drive yourself (and him) insane with insecurity. How you do it is up to you.
At around the 2 month mark I explained to my now BF that I could only continue with him if we were exclusive (which I guess is an ultimatum, but at that point I was serious about walking if he did not see fit to commit to me.)
Men will only commit if there is a REASON. The fact that your man throws in the word “friend” every so often helps to keep you a bit off balance. (He knows you want more.) It also serves as a reminder that you are not in a committed relationship — which could come in handy later if he wants to sleep with other women. (“I told you we were just friends”.)
Your man should have to work to get you and keep you. That doesn’t seem to be happening here. He is getting all the benefits of being in a relationship without actually BEING in one. (Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free.) A guy should only receive based on how much he invests in you. You don’t need to be that available (3-4x per week) to someone who doesn’t value you enough yet to call you his girlfriend.
So if you have the talk with him and he’s not ready to commit, you need to cut back on the amount of time you spend with him and be open to dating others. Show him what not committing to you looks like. And when you are together, make sure you bring your best self, he needs to know what he will potentially be losing if you walk away or are snapped up by another man. Don’t stop dating others until you are exclusive… hope this helps.
jenny
I just got this, I was told I was his “best friend” but just before this remark my co worker alerted me to the fact that he was on a dating site, now I am a BFF? NO, its called keeping someone on ice, the worst thing I have ever experienced also it settles their mind so that they are really not cheating cause they set the boundary by making sure he told you that you are his bestie, right now I am looking for someone else and I am going on the dating site that he has recently joined.
Meemee
wow, this is not a good guy!!!!!
If you are sleeping together so much, it should be assumed and understood that you ARE a couple…. I would not be happy
Ollie
I would have address this before sleeping together the first time. I’d want to know each other’s expectations. If you are truly friends, the awkwardness of the conversation could be overcome.
BUT…you’ve already moved into the physical intimacy so it’s a different ballgame. If you are uncomfortable sleeping with someone who call you friend then tell him. The next time he calls you “friend” is a perfect time. Likely there will be a period of awkwardness, so expect that and be comfortable with it. I call it “staying in your sacred ground” a.k.a. being true to yourself and letting the outcome be what it will be.
He may step up immediately. He will probably need some time to process it. If so, one of 3 things will likely happen after he has space to process.
1. He’ll respect your boundary and resume the friendship without the physical intimacy.
2. He’ll realize the depth of connection and step up to be your boyfriend.
3. He’ll realize the gig is up and move on to someone who has weaker boundaries.
If he is the guy in #3…good riddance to him.
Kiran
Honey you are giving him everything he wants. He doesn’t need to be exclusive to get what he wants. Put the cookie in the cookie jar and then we will see
Raven
This post is 1+ year old…
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