Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › He broke up with me, then came back, but broke up with me again
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Kitty
I am having a really hard time digesting what happened to me the last two weeks. The guy I had been dating for four months broke up with me a couple of weeks back. We had an intense and fast-moving relationship. We had been arguing a lot, got into a fight the night we broke up, but it still was surprising to me somewhat. Three days later, he sent me a text saying he was was really sorry things didn’t work out, that he’d mailed me a card saying he has the utmost respect for me and does really care about me a lot. Said I’m a great girl and at some point he hoped we could be friends. That he honestly wished me the best.
I responded late that night saying I still cared for him and had some regrets, too. But, I needed to focus on finals. He responded back immediately very excitedly saying he had regrets and wanted to meet after my finals. Said he’d check in that weekend and bring me some food. I got the card a couple days later and while it said some really touching things, it made me angry. I was so raw with emotion.
He called me a few days later and we talked for about 30 min. He was trying to make future plans with me. The next day, he brought food and the minute he walked in the door, he gave me a big hug and wouldn’t let me go. He then started kissing me, telling me how much he missed me, he’d made a mistake, and wished I hadn’t let him go that night we broke up. So, it seemed we had gotten back together.
We texted regularly that week until my last exam and he called me. We talked for 1.5 hours and he confirmed we were going out that weekend. We spent Friday night together and had a wonderful time again. Things were as good as they once were and were that night he came over.
Anyway, the next day (yesterday), he broke our date last minute, saying he was tired and wanted to go out later in the week. But, I ended up going over to his place to have our talk we were supposed to have after my exams… Bad idea.
Though we had been having a good two weeks, no fights, and he was the one who came back for me, he broke up with me again! He gave me no real reason, just said I deserve to be with someone who treats me better than he does. This came completely out of left field. He would not tell me why he came back to me only to leave again two weeks later. Our talk was not heated and very calm. I never mentioned the card, but only focused on the regrets I had about things. He was supposed to share his regrets, but wouldn’t.
I now regret going over to his place to talk even though we had agreed to do so. I feel like it might have not been the right time and I can’t help but feel guilty about it. I just don’t understand why he came back only to leave me again. Why would someone do this?
Rose
They do that very often. The reason, maybe they don’t even know. He might really like you but he’s not ready to have a relationship and that scares him away. What you can do is just move on.
None deserves to be waiting until a dude makes up his mind.
Amy S
Hi. Its a shame you have met a guy like this and fell for him. Imo he is emotionally unavailable and you should go onto the baggage reclaim website and there is loads of info on the unavailable assclowns she calls them. They basically come on thick and fast into a relationship then start fannying about once you are hooked, leaving and coming back is a definite aspect of how they behave so you should defo check out that site. For now you need to forget all about him, these guys don’t change, heal and work on your own self esteem and life. This guy is always going to flip flap in this way so its defo easier to move on as hard as theat may seem at the moment. You will get a load of help on here so take the advice from these clever ladies. Good luck x
Kitty
Thanks, Rose. I suppose I should not really be surprised. He has flip-flopped so much in our time together that has caused a lot of our fights because it is all so confusing. Three weeks in, he told me he loved me. A few weeks later, he retracted it… Who does that? I never told him I loved him and at that time, he told me he didn’t expect me to saying it was soon and he was afraid he’d scare me off. He now says he was premature in professing love, but I do wonder if he’s upset I never told him I loved him. He’s asked me twice, at least, multiple times at once “do you love me?”
The day before our break-up yesterday, he told me it would hurt him deeply if I dated anyone else. He wanted our exclusive relationship back. He said he didn’t want a GF, but wants our exclusive, committed relationship. What’s the difference? And, then the next day he breaks up with me?
Rose
He can’t make up his mind. He’s either extremely confused or playing with your feelings. Leave him alone so he can get his thoughts straight. Date other people and forget about him.
If he ever comes back ask him if this time is for real or he will continue to be confused.
Good luck!
soni
o the same thing happened to me!!. he got in touch after disappearing for coupla months. I decided to give him another chance. but staying emotionally aloof. same thing again. I thot of just ignoring him. but was in a horrible mood so gave it bac to him this morning and deleted his no from my phone. told him if ur so confused and not sure of what you want, then please stay away from me. U reconnected with me I didn’t! grow up and stop wasting peoples time.
U should be wary of this one. don’t go out and believe all that he says.
redcurleysue
He is confused as to what he wants. That means any woman around him will also be confused.
End the madness. End the confusion. Leave him alone.
Jenny
Wait, he broke the date and tried to reschedule for later in the week and then you went to his house because you found it necessary to have “the talk” right then…? I’d break up with you too. If I’m telling you I can’t see you for a date, that means that right now, for whatever reason, I can’t see you! This is why I limit who knows where I live because I would NOT be happy in a situation like this. I’d think you were needy and it would just be extremely off-putting in general.
Khadija
Hello Kitty,
I’m sorry to hear that this guy did such a thing. He’s not ready for a realtionship so, it’s best hat you move forward.When a guy gets wish washy leave them be because this behavior will put you on an emotional roller coaster.
Only he really knows what his deal is but, keep in mind it’s not your problem.
Kitty
Thank you, Ladies, for your comments. This is so hard to get my arms around still. I miss him terribly. I feel guilty and regretful.
And, Jenny, I had not only second thoughts, but about six thoughts against going to his place. He offered, though. I deeply regret doing so and do feel that I pushed the envelope. I do wonder if I had just let it go that night, if things would have been different.
But, this was not the first time he has broken a date last minute. He had done so a handful of times. And, for whatever reason that night, I made the decision to go over there. You’re right, it was not the time for “the talk.” But, we had agreed to talk this weekend and my confusion got the best of me.
I don’t think I came across as needy, though. He agreed it was improper of him to cancel last minute and he knows he’s done so before. He told me he was moody. He also told me about some counseling he had had years back to get over a woman who had broken his heart. So, it seemed he was opening up and ok to talk about some things.
Jenny
What’s last minute? I guess that would bother me too. He sounds like an emotional drain… He would’ve just drowned you slowly. You’re better off without him! :)
Kitty
By last minute, I mean within an hour of the scheduled time to go out. I was at home ready and waiting for him. And, this Saturday, we were supposed to celebrate the end of my exams and he’d offered to fix some things around my house Sunday morning. So, the last minute cancellation was not new, but also not cool considering all that was planned.
Kitty
Ladies, I am not sure what to think or do at this time. He told me yesterday he wants to meet up and talk. He had suggested this weekend, but I have company coming to town, so the earliest we can get together is a week from today. I have this strong suspicion that he is going to suggest we be friends.
I am not interested in that. One, the way we are when we are around each other, I know that is an impossibility. Two, I do not want to be his friend and hold on to false hope that things may start up again nor do I want to hear about him possibly dating someone else in the future.
Just last Friday, the day before we broke up, he told me it would hurt him deeply if I even dated someone else. And, he said there is no one else for him. But, since the break up, I just can’t shake this idea that he is trying to keep me around as a friend.
I know my emotions and thoughts are going to drive me crazy over the next week. I am almost thinking I don’t even want to meet with him if he wants to be friends. But, unless I ask him what he wants to talk about, I won’t know until I am there. And, it doesn’t seem like a good idea to broach the subject of what he wants to talk about until we are in person.
Ugh! How do I get through this next week and what do I say if he suggests being friends? FYI – I do not maintain friendships with my exes.
Kitty
I should add, too, that one of my friends suggested I accept a friendship so we can replace the bad memories (fights) with good ones so we can just enjoy each other’s company. I can somewhat see this viewpoint, but it seems to me you run the risk of getting stuck in the friendzone. And, it seems you could get the same result with taking things slow by starting to date again, but with the understanding you will not date others.
Is that possible?
zoe
Hi Kitty, I am sorry that u r going through this. I had similar experience with a guy I dated last year. He was wishy washy and confused about what he wanted. But the moment he sensed I’d moved on he would want me back or try to talk to me. I treated him too well. But as soon as we got back together he pushed me away, probably because he got scared?? IMO he lacked the ability to reach the clarity inside his heart as to what he tryly wanted. And dealing with someone like this will throw u into an emotional turmoil especially if u care for him this much. You said you wouldn’t want to meet him if he suggested a friendship. But it is in ur best interest to find out what he wants or does not want so that u can decide whether u can accept it or move on. It might not turn out the way u like, but avoiding the reality isn’t doing u any good. I understand how painful it is to let go of somebody u deeply care about. But if he is even confused about what he wants, he will not be able to sustain a relationship with u
Maybe letting it go could bring u a better result in the long run.Ems
I know this is really old but I’m going trough the exact same thing. How did everything work out for you?
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