Having "the talk"


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This topic contains 18 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Kosm 2 days, 23 hours ago.

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  • #635035 Reply

    Kosm

    Hey guys,
    Been dating a guy for a little over 3 months now. Really like him. I give him his space. Not clingy. Things have moved slowly but they are going forward, at least I think it is. Contact between us is more frequent. But every once in a while we won’t talk for a day or sometimes two. He brought up me meeting his friends and kids and said that it needs to happen. He brought that up. Not me. However, we have not really started integrating into each other’s lives yet. We never officially had the talk about us being a couple. He’s hinted at it a few times and I changed the subject because I got too nervous to discuss it. Lol that was dumb, I know. He’s extremely busy because of his job and kids, but still somehow manages to see me every week, so he does make time, but it’s also obvious that I’m not a huge priority. When we’re together, especially when I stay the night, he’s extremely affectionate. Treats me great. When it comes to texting, I feel like I initiate a lot of it, but he always responds and acts somewhat disappointed if I don’t reach out. It’s weird. He’s told his friends and family about me. He even one time asked me how he should introduce me, and he said it with a smile. And I panicked and changed the subject again. But now I’m ready to talk!
    I’m tired of not knowing our status. Im mad at myself for chickening out of the talk when he made some hints at it. My friend said not to bring it up because it will seem clingy and ruin everything. But, I mean, come on, we have to communicate and I don’t want to waste my time! I see him in a few days and want to bring it up. Should I? If so, what’s the best way to bring it up?

    #635039 Reply

    Raven

    Gaaa… He tried to bring it up & you shot him down?

    #635041 Reply

    Jackie

    If it were me I would say “Hey. Remember when you asked me how you should introduce me? Well I’ve been thinking about that. How do you think I should be introduced?” and let the conversation go from there. He’ll know exactly what you’re talking about. Use that as your opening to start the talk about your relationship status. Good luck!

    #635042 Reply

    Hannah

    I’m with Raven. It sounds like he’s being trying to have the talk with you for a while. You need to grab these opportunities. Even if you’re not ready, it will show you where he is. Next time he says something, actually talk to him! If you don’t, he’ll eventually decide you’re not that interested.

    #635058 Reply

    redcurleysue

    This guy is hinting that he wants you to tell him how you feel about your relationship with him. I am hesitant since he wants to know how you feel first without his declaration…I am uncomfortable about that.

    I think I would be direct. I would straight out ask him what he is looking for in a relationship with you. If he says, “See where it goes” and you agree I would ride it out a little more…a couple more months…then I would decide if I wanted to go or stay.

    #635085 Reply

    Love

    Yeah you should bring it up. You kept shutting him down when he tried to discuss. I don’t see the issue on his part from what you say. He seems like he’s putting in the effort to move things along. And as someone who has children, you will never be the first priority, but that comes with dating a man that already has established a family.

    #635088 Reply

    Kosm

    Thanks everyone. Excellent advice. I will bring it up. I definitely would never want to be a priority over his kids. He’s a great dad. I will bring it up tomorrow. I don’t know why I changed the subject. I was scared. I have trust issues from previous relationships. He does too. I’m just over analyzing the whole thing.

    #635090 Reply

    Newbie

    I think i would wait, but since he brought it up a few times you might take the lead in a nonchalant way like was suggested here (referring to his statement). But are you sure about what you want? Once a week is not a whole lot. Does he talk about the future? Or plans with you? 3 months is around the time where a guy usually knows what he wants and either steps up or step off

    #635092 Reply

    Emma

    I agree that you shot him down several times already. But at the same time seeing each other once a week and you being so conscious about being clingy says that you are not where you’d like to be with his guy. My advice would be to restart the conversation but more with questions rather than answers if you know what I mean. Ask if he did mean things by asking you about it? if yes then why not ask you directly? Did he tell you about his feelings? Do not rush into accepting the status that he is not really offering you. He hinted, you shot him down, now correct your mistake but wait or prompt you to ask you explicitly. LOL

    #635093 Reply

    Kosm

    Well, it once or twice a week at this point. He has his kids most of the time and they haven’t met me yet, so that complicates things. Yes, he has brought up future things. Things are at a weird stable point. It’s like we have hit a plateau. I like the idea of what Jackie said, I’ll ask about the kids and then ask about how he will introduce me.
    I’m just nervous because he told me previous girls wouldn’t give him space, so I don’t want to overwhelm him. I’m pretty good with that though. I’m just sick of not knowing and don’t want to waste my time.
    There are times when I realize I’m not a big priority because some nights, when he doesn’t have the kids, he will go to the gym and not see me. But then again, he needs space. I don’t know. I’m confused. I also wonder of I scared him when I didn’t take the opportunity to talk with him when he brought it up. He actually did casually mention us as being in a relationship once, but nothing more.

    #635095 Reply

    Kosm

    He told me he has so much fun with me. He said that every minute he is with me, he’s happy. He said he has trust issues and is terrified of being hurt again.

    #635244 Reply

    Kosm

    Wish me luck. I’m doing it this week. My stomach is in knots.

    #635246 Reply

    Phillygirl

    Two people with trust issues can not forge a healthy relationship with anyone until they fix their own issues independently.

    Regardless of what happens with the talk, there are deeper issues at play for both of you. Sadly, that does not bode well for this situation.

    You have to be emotionally healthy and ready (trust issues dealt with and put to bed) before you start a new relationship. Almost everyone has had someone break their trust at some point. But if you are carrying that into a new relationship it will doom things before they start.

    Two people with trust issues? Well that a recipe for disaster.

    #635247 Reply

    T from NY

    I do wish you luck. I also think you should consider what you want at this point. If he asks. But also be clear about what you are not willing to do. Trust issues blah blah blah. We all have them. Either you are ready for a relationship, a little scared because there’s always risk, or your not. Same with him.

    I feel by this point you should be seeing each other more. And why can’t he see you after he goes to the gym? That makes little sense to me. And a guy talking about needing space sometimes translates into an emotionally unavailable guy. Hopefully he is not and he tells you he’s been wanting to take you off the market for a long time. If however he simmers and stews and says he doesn’t want to label things, or it’s too much too soon yada yada — just be ready with what you’re willing to do. Stay? Stay a bit more? Or leave. Hope it goes well

    #635252 Reply

    Kosm

    I’m ready for the relationship. Been through 3 years of therapy. Yea, he doesn’t make me a huge priority at the moment, but he does make time for me.
    We’ve talked about the trust thing and I do think we should talk about it again. It’s just confusing because he is the one who brought up me meeting his kids, friends and family. Hrs also the first one who actually said the relationship word first. But you’re right, there are issues here.
    Ugh men are so confusing. Dating literally feels like a game of Jenga. What scares me is how incredibly common it is to hear about two people dating, and everything is going great and then bam, out of the blue, the guy disappears. It makes me not want to trust any positive signs at all.
    One thing that’s interesting, I made mention to him 3 weeks ago that I felt like I could never not like him. Ever since I said that, his contact with me greatly increased.
    Dear God help me, I can’t take much more of this!

    #635288 Reply

    L

    You only know him three months and you can promise him you ‘will never not like him?’ You don’t even really know him!

    #635298 Reply

    Devil’s Advocate

    Why did you say something so vague? I could never not like him? And why would you even say that to begin with? Let me get this straight..iff you found out he cheated on his ex, was a pedophile, drowns puppies or worships the Devil you would never not like him? What if he hit you or started berating you and telling you all the things about yourself that needed to change before he could be in a relationship with you? Would you still never not like him? Who even says that? And why are all my sentences questions? LOL

    #635317 Reply

    Helen

    I disagree that you are ready for a relationship if dating causes you this much anxiety. If you believe it’s game of Jenga, then that is exactly what you will get. Happiness and security come from the inside, not from anything on the outside. You will be let down 100% of the time sooner or later if you need outer circumstances or people to be a certain way for you to be able to trust. And I”m going to say I think the number one person you don’t trust is yourself. Are you willing to face your real self and work through the discomfort while you see him? I don’t think you should take a break – often being in a situation will force you to work something through rather than sitting by yourself and avoiding the issues.

    #635322 Reply

    Kosm

    DA I wasn’t being 100 percent serious when I said it. Of course I could not like him if he did those things. You’re right and have valid points.
    Helen, I know. I’m trying to overcome it. You hit the nail on the head of the. Happiness comes from within, not from the outside.

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