Home › Forums › How To Get My Ex Back › Guy decides break up=girl don't chase him. Girl decides break up=guy chase her?
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Hannah.
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Rebecca
I’ve been reading through this forum quite a lot, because I’m curious as to general advice that people give, and I have great curiosity to the nature of relationships.
It seems that 95% of the time when a guy breaks up with the girl, then advice to the girl is (paraphrased but the gist is), “he doesn’t see a relationship with you and never will” or “go no contact, maybe there’s a slight chance he will miss you and come back.” Basically though, there’s nothing a girl can actively do about the situation, and about the worse possible thing she could do is be too active and chase him.
If a guy came to the forum and said his girlfriend broke up with him, would the same advice be given? Or since it is accepted that guys are the “chasers,” that he could still pursue her? If so, is this a good double standard?
I broke up with a boyfriend once, and he continued to pursue me for a year. No, he wasn’t stalking (I’m fairly sure no one would suggest that would be good!), but it was a situation where we still had to be in contact for work. He became convinced that he could prove he was a changed man, he could prove that things would be different if we got back together, etc. He tried being my best friend, showering me with compliments, etc, etc. It wasn’t until I was VERY firm that we are “never ever getting back together” that he backed off. Even there, I still half-expect him to pop up again, because I heard through a mutual friend that as little as 5 months ago, he said that he believed that he and I would end up together in the end, even if it’s not until we are 50 (creepy).
It’s disturbing to me (it’s been over two years now since the break up), and more disturbing is that most people seem to find his behavior endearing (and again, there hasn’t been anything bad about his behavior. No stalking… I just question his motives. He’s charming insofar as he is wanting something. He goes cold, even angry, the second he doubts he has a chance with me). Of course, people don’t know how bad he hurt me or understand his mood swings, but never mind my particular case, there seems to be an idea in our culture and in the media, that if a guy just perseveres and continues to love his ex, he will get her in the end (so long as he “chases” with tact).
If you didn’t have my side of the story, would the advice to a guy be to continue to be in contact with an ex to show her he had changed? (If he went no contact, then it is generally thought that the girl shouldn’t contact him first, which would make him out of luck).
Lane
Hi Rebecca.
It depends on the situation as each relationship has their own unique set of circumstances. It depends on the reasons for the break up and individuals involved, but ultimately we all have a CHOICE to take them back or not. Some do and can work out, some don’t because they bring out the worst in each other or unable to learn how to effectively resolve conflict.
The reason for the NC is to step out of the relationship and to clear the head enough to see it for what it really is, not what you WISH it to be. When you’re so entrenched in it you can’t always see where the problems lie, although you know they exist, its trying to put a ‘finger on it’ can be very difficult. Also using this time to LISTEN to outsiders views can be very helpful in deciding if its worth fighting for or not.
When I left my husband, I didn’t truly understand the affects and grasp this dysfunctional alcoholic / co-dependent relationship had on me until I got out of it. For instance, two months later I was just casually walking through a restaurant and heard the ice machine dispense ice and immediately FROZE in place! For YEARS I heard our refrigerator dispense ice when he was making his alcoholic drinks 4-5 nights a weeks and having been out of that environment for a bit I didn’t realize the impact it truly had on me mentally.
Most of us aren’t taught good relationship skills and usually have dysfunctional families that plays a big part and role in how couples deal or not deal in a relationship. If BOTH parties are willing to put in the effort and work on themselves to correct and fix their own weak areas then should try if it can be salvageable because all one does is carry the same baggage into the next and repeat the same patterns.
However, if ONE or NEITHER of the parties wants to or is willing to fix and/or work on it, then its best to end it like you and I did.
Juliette
Hi Rebecca,
I understand where you are coming from as well. I left my marriage of 18 years and my ex continued to pursue me and to tell everyone we knew how much he wanted to get back together. So I had friends saying, “wow, he really loves you.” “Awwwe, he wants to get back together,” etc.. I’m like are you people crazy?? Its not like I took leaving a marriage of 18 years lightly! He too would be syrupy sweet and then turn to total rage when he wasn’t getting the reaction from me that he was looking for. I think in my case he had/has some issues, possibly narcissistic, possibly bipolar and he just couldn’t cope with ‘losing.’ Guys in general don’t like to lose, but I think there is a fine line (and also a time line) after which point they too should respect your wishes and just leave you be.
Lane, I got goose bumps when I read your comments on the ice machine. My trigger was, and still is, hearing the garage door go up. I live in a different house now, but whenever I hear my garage door go up I still have that foreboding sensation. It is crazy what the mind holds on to.Lane
Hi julia.
These men have two different persona’s. A lot of our friends/family didn’t believe he was an alcoholic because they didn’t live with him and he was very good at only showing the mask he wanted to present, but wore a very different one when behind closed doors. He was a closet alcoholic because he was in the military, and although there was a very a small number of those who knew, most couldn’t wrap their brain around it because they only saw what he wanted them to see, whereas I became a pro (and accomplice) in hiding it and pretending all was good and wonderful.
A lot of his friends who knew me well said he lost a good woman. Although I wasn’t perfect and had my own issues that I’ve acknowledged and have/continue to work on (can never stop improving yourself), I know I did the right and best thing for ME by ending it and wouldn’t take him back if he begged, pleaded or paid me a million dollars!
Rebecca
I understand the two personas person. My ex had bipolar, as well as emotional issues that made him irrational at times. The outer world saw a VERY happy person, whereas I experienced something dark in addition to that happy side. I by no means blame him for our relationship failure, however, as I was also in an emotionally dark place and latched on to him co-dependently emotionally. The combination was unhealthy, but it took the relationship getting bad enough that I would rather be alone. We never lived together, so it wasn’t as difficult as it could have been.
Nonetheless, when I broke up, and he remained persistent, people told me that I was lucky to have a guy that loved me that much. Other people thought it was sweet and wondered why I wouldn’t give it another chance (I was emotionally blocked/afraid and refused to date anyone else, which some took as a sign I wasn’t over him). My ex… a year later made point to mention that he still loved me and that I would never find someone else who loved me more than he loved him (a phrase he used quite often, even when we were together). It wasn’t until very recently, that I faced that lie head-on and saw it for the lie it is. It was his manipulation tactic to keep me tied to him, but now, I’m absolutely certain that someone can love me more than him (that is, someone who will love me by respecting me 100%). First and foremost, my journey has been about me loving and respecting myself more than I ever did. I’m still working on letting others in, but I’m far more aware than ever before.
Still… despite all that, it doesn’t answer why is it ever seen as sweet for a guy to chase after his ex? Perhaps, it’s just because I’ve been on the other side that I have a different view than other people, but it doesn’t seem that it bothers a lot people. As far as I see, the guy could be truly a good man, no double persona at all, and I don’t see how him chasing his ex is a good thing if that isn’t what she wants. There’s actually been a few people on this forum who have written things like “I broke up with my boyfriend, why didn’t he chase after me?” and there’s a saying I’ve heard from somewhere that is “if a man truly loves a woman, he won’t let her go without a fight.”
Of course, there is also a saying that say if he loves her he will let her go, which is more of the philosophy I take. It’s both respectful of her wishes, and it acknowledges that she has intelligence in her heart and mind (she doesn’t need to be told or convinced of what she wants. If a guy is chasing after her after she broke up with him, he is saying that she doesn’t know what she wants and only needs to be convinced otherwise).
Lane, I like your explanation of no contact. It seems that is a really good “rule,” regardless of who broke up with who. If the relationship was broken enough for either person to want to end it, then having time to revaluate apart from each other seems really wise.
I also agree that there are some cases where a couple who split up can get back together — if both people are willing to work on the relationship and themselves individually. It should be mutual though and preferably approach each other neutrally. The second it is one of them is actively “chasing” the other, it becomes imbalanced and disrespectful to me. I’m uncertain if there’s any exceptions.
Sandra
From what I understand, the person who has acted needy, insecure, or in some way has pushed away the person or made them feel they had to end it should be ‘no contact’ for a determined period of time. That has nothing to do with gender. They should also not actively pursue once they do get into contact – because then they are just perpetuating the same needy/insecure behavior they did before.
Since men are generally the pursuers, I think society at large just interprets their pursuit as caring, loving, dedicated, loyal, etc.
Also, since men are seen as the pursuers, after ‘no contact’ they probably feel they have more leeway in terms of the amount of contact they make with their ex, even if the ex actually just feels harassed.
Seems like it would be a good idea to set a boundary, and then ignore him. If he tries to see you, get a restraining order.
Riya
I told him in WhatsApp I want a break up… He asked u want… I said it’s not ok the way u treat me even I love him as hell… This was last night… What ever I ask he never accept… A kiss.. a hug.. chat… Photo.. nothing he accept. Also I felt no affection…. i was fed up… I said I want a breakup… He said he will delete all my contacts.. I said do it…
He did not try to settle it.. I was the one who wanting him I think…
We broke up last December and he came back apologizing on May this year.. I gave him chance to hurt me again…
I want advice.. will he miss me???? What should I do??? I want him.. but I don’t want to chase him…
Hannah
I’ve never been chased by an ex. I’ve pretty much cut them off so they didn’t get a chance to. One ex was in my friendship group and made it clear he wanted me back when I saw him, but I wouldn’t say he chased me.
I’ve had a couple of obsessive stalkerish men though who were convinced we’d end up together. People don’t take that as seriously as they should either and a lot of people found it endearing. It really wasn’t!
My advice would be the same for men and women. Don’t chase someone who’s ended it with you, respect their decision. Tell them once you don’t want the breakup and they can decide to come back if they want to.
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