Girlfriend with Chronic health problem..HELP!!


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  • #653494 Reply

    Samson

    After 6 months of dating my gf revealed to me that she is a life long carrier of hepatitis b. At the moment it is inactive (but the virus is such that it may or may not get active in the future and therefore she needs yearly check ups for the rest of her life to monitor it). She got it from her mother at birth. My worry is that she told me after 6 whole months of dating after im 100% emotionally vested and im deeply in love and i was committed to her. Had i known earlier maybe i could have had a clearer chain of thought.

    She has hid it for 6 months and when she went for her check up 2 months into our relationship, she told me she was going for her parents general health check ups.

    I DONT EXPECT HER TO TELL ME ON THE FIRST DATE, and i know its very hard to tell but she told me after 6 whole months..

    WHAT WOULD YOU DO IN THIS SITUATION GUYS??

    #653502 Reply

    Hannah

    Urgh I’m really sorry! I’d end it.

    She’s a very selfish person and she can easily lie without you detecting it. She’s lived a lie for 6 months. She’s put your health and future at risk.

    I don’t know where you live but I’m in the UK. If you contracted hep B from her, she would be arrested for assault. That’s how serious what she’s done is.

    Love involves wanting someone else to be happy and healthy, often above your own needs. She hasn’t done any of that has she? She’s only thought about her own needs in wanting to be with you.

    #653505 Reply

    Kal

    Get yourself educated about the disease and tested.

    #653507 Reply

    redcurleysue

    She did not think about you…just about her losing you…not good.

    How could you trust this person to think you your needs in the future?

    I do not think I could be with someone who does not put my health at the top of the food chain…and by the way, had you known and wanted to stay with her you could have taken precautions…

    Get vaccinated if you are not already.

    She was lying by omission. She did not use good judgement with this…I would be gone.

    #653509 Reply

    Ash

    This is certainly a tough situation to be in. There is understandable logic on both sides of this equation.

    Yes, you have a right to feel hurt that she didn’t tell you right away, but since you said you didn’t expect her to tell you on the first date, you can kind of understand her reasoning?

    Had she told you when you weren’t invested, what would you have done? Would you have left her? That’s most likely what she was afraid of (and may still be). Her decision was probably not out of any kind of maliciousness or emotional manipulation, but rather just plain fear.

    She’s been having regular check ups, so at the very least, she’s being vigilant about it.

    Unfortunately there’s also not really anything you can do to change the way things went down. Now you just need to decide how you’re going to handle it, whether you see enough of a future with this girl to keep trying at the relationship and work through any negative feelings that may arise as a result of this or if you don’t think that’s enough, you can break up.

    The solution for this isn’t really clean cut, it’s difficult to give advice on what you should do. I suppose give it a good long think when you’ve had time to sufficiently digest it all and then when you feel your head is as clear as it can possibly be, then make your final decision.

    #653511 Reply

    Ash

    I think it’s important to note that she’s not ignoring (and thus willfully spreading) the virus, she is getting regular check ups. She chose not to inform OP about the details of said check ups, which is still lying by omission, but she’s taking precautions not to endanger his health.

    #653512 Reply

    Samson

    She said she told me now because she felt we had reached that level of connectedness now and that she cant go around telling a boyfriend very early as we live in a small town. She also said she is just a carrier and not infectious currently so she wasn’t risking my health.
    Then she said she is sorry, crying etc and that she would have gone about it differently if she had the chance.
    i was deeply in love with her so totally at cross roads now..but yh 6 months she had that back of her head and never told me and our relationship moved forward very fast..the 6 months was more like 1 year.

    I guess she did put herself first and it was selfish but she says she had told me everything about herself including her back pains…so i guess she left this out in fear i would leave her or she was just generally scared as no one apart from her family know about it and im the 1st person shes told.

    She says since she is an inactive carrier its a small thing. First she said i was making a small thing very big..but now she says she understands where im coming from and that she is very sorry and that she loves me.

    Before revealing this she called me her soul mate, wanted us to meet each others parents, went on a weekend hotel trip with me (which was kinda her idea) and we met very very often and texted almost endlessy..but she never told me this. She could have been scared to tell me or made a big mistake by ignoring it or really thought it was a non issue to be revealed early on in a relationship but AHH i really dont know!

    #653513 Reply

    Phillygirl

    I’m so sorry you are going through this. How awful.

    Here’s the thing, trust is very delicate. It takes time to build, yet can be destroyed in only an instant. As you have seen. A relationship without trust is like a fish without water. The fish will die without it. Love cannot survive without trust.

    I personally can ot be with someone who gives me serious pause about their integrity. It doesn’t really matter WHY she did this. What matters is that she has shown in tough situations her critical thinking skills are severely lacking, and she’s COMPLETELY selfish.

    To me, it’s not just the secret, it’s the intentional act to cover it up for over 180 days! She took away your ability to CHOOSE, and I don’t think that should be minimized.

    If this were done to me, I’d question EVERYTHING someone told me, because if you can disregard my feelings, well being, and show such blatant disrespect about me, how can I believe you love(d) me.

    I couldn’t.

    Real love is not this selfish. I agree with Hannah. I’d be done. Immediately… and for good.

    Fear is NOT an excuse for actively choosing the wrong decision here. At least in my book, this is unforgiveable.

    #653518 Reply

    Ash

    Real love is not selfish but people sometimes can be.
    Based on OPs most recent post, she sounds like she still has some growing up to do. I don’t think she’s this deceitful, lying plague-bearer, I think she may simply be immature.

    That being said, I agree without trust, there can be no relationship. So OP can you envision yourself trusting her after this information? If not, then it’s probably best to break up.

    #653530 Reply

    Phillygirl

    My point is, fear or immaturity are not acceptable reasons to accept this situation. Her choices were poor.

    Sometimes you have to know how to forgive someone and still walk away, because the trust is gone.

    I never said she was evil. I said she was selfish, inconsiderate and thoughtless, and those are not traits of someone I want to love.

    Love is ALWAYS a choice, just as keeping a momentous secret that could harm someone else is

    #653531 Reply

    Samson

    @ash – what would you do in this situation?

    I dont know if i can trust her as i dont know her intention/motive behind not telling me..

    Her sister also has it and she is active atm and takes an injection every week for an year..so she definitely knows about the seriousness as well..she probably didnt want to loose me and felt i wouldnt make up a big fuss when she revealed it late because i would be deeply in love (which i am)??

    if she was immature about it as you say..then what would you do as well? knowing she even hid it when she went for her tests she told me she was going for her parents check ups.

    #653540 Reply

    Ash

    @Samson
    I would think long and hard about it. Admittedly yes, it does cast the entire relationship into doubt.

    Do you care enough about this girl to envision a future with her even if it means passing something like this onto your metaphorical children?

    Can the lost trust be recovered provided she makes appropriate effort from this day forward to keep you absolutely up to date on everything about her condition?

    Are you even compatible on a basic relationship level, six months may seem like a long time, but really it’s not when you have infatuation calling the shots. That will wear off and you may find yourself feeling differently toward her.

    While I don’t think the answer is black and white, it will be a difficult thing to overcome should you want to preserve the relationship.

    #653552 Reply

    Samson

    Just to add, we werent random strangers who randomly met. We have known each other since childhood (not too closely though).

    It would not be passed on to children if they took a vaccination at birth.

    @ash – i was madly deeply in love with her..so after this im really thrown off balance. I had definitely seen a future with her. She even talked about marriage in a jokey way, as it would be years away, before informing me about her hep. Its like she considered her hep b to be a non issue completely!

    She told me its a small issue as if she takes care of herself and keeps her immunity strong she would always remain inactive and never suffer from it..

    she could have probably also wanted the relationship to progress out of fear, desperate, felt that i was really the one for her so kept it a secret for as long as she could to prevent a possible negative outcome..

    or she could have very well pre-planned this…or gone along with the flow in avoiding telling me at all costs for 6 months

    BESIDES all this, it is a lifelong issue even if it never creates any problem every year she has to get her tests done..

    I agree her choices were definitely poor..and maybe they were very intentional (which creates trust issues already) or maybe she really never thought it is that big of a deal? she never expected someone would question her or walk away?

    #653555 Reply

    Ash

    @Samson

    Did you have to question her to get the truth or did she volunteer the information because she thought six months was a good enough time to inform about serious matters?

    If she volunteered the information without your questioning, there is wiggle room.

    If you had to press her about it and presumably she would have kept it hidden had you not, then I’d consider things damaged beyond repair.

    #653563 Reply

    Samson

    She told me voluntarily. I had NO CLUE ABOUT THIS.
    she said she felt we were “connected enough” now.
    but what she told me is something along the lines…”its an extra cell in my body”…so i wasnt informed well and fully, even when she did finally reveal it.

    she could be naive?

    #653564 Reply

    Ash

    The way I see it, if there’s a skeleton in the closet that can potentially change the way a person whom one is hoping to have a relationship with sees them (Ex: medical issues that are properly taken care of, previous minor crimes committed years ago because of being young and stupid, a large amount of debt, ex). I feel the hesitation is understandable and often people will wait until things start getting “serious” before they come out with it.

    That being said, these things should be volunteered when the person thinks the time is right. If you needed to press her for the information or you found out from another source, that’s bad character.

    We like to talk about and quote Evan Marc Katz on these forums, his wife didn’t reveal to him her substantial amount of debt until 9 months in. I felt the topic deserved a little more care than what may typically be warranted.

    #653568 Reply

    Samson

    but what if she didnt tell me for so long to make sure i was emotionally involved?? and she finally told me when she felt it was ‘safe’ to tell me in her view ..as there was no chance of me leaving her and there was no need of her to hold on to the secret anymore..
    the thing is..if she would have told me earlier i don’t know if i would have left her or not (too many don’t knows).

    why would she not tell me for 6 months?
    would the relationship have even really started in her head if she knows shes not told me something important?
    why did she want us to meet each others parents? why so fast? why did she go to a hotel for a weekend with me etc..was she trying to suck me in first?
    can a relationship be based on secrets?

    #653569 Reply

    Samson

    i do/did love her immensely..but what if i was in love with a facade.. what if her personality is actually different but she was being amazing etc as she knew she was yet to reveal this..
    Cheers guys.

    #653570 Reply

    Ash

    @Samson

    I’m sorry you are hurt, but only she can answer your questions.
    If you feel like you can never trust her anymore, then break up with her.

    #653571 Reply

    Amanda

    Only you can know if you can trust her again. And you need to be able to do that for a relationship. However, I would find out if your health was ever at risk. If she is right and it wasn’t, I would try to be easy on her. She is dealing with a tough thing through no fault of her own and knowing when to tell someone is hard. She has probably had people leave her in the past. Just try to imagine how horrible it would feel if you had a condition such that you worried no one would every love you? I doubt that she had a malicious plan to make you fall in love and then tell you. She was probably just scared. That said, if you do forgive her, you must forgive her fully. Do not pretend to forgive and then keep getting angry and not trusting her. If you can’t let it go you need to break up.

    #653572 Reply

    Samson

    @amanda
    then why was she initially blaming me saying im making a small thing big? ACCORDING TO HER THIS IS A SMALL THING..and she has told me that multiple times..so i even asked her ..if its a small thing why didnt you tell me earlier??
    she said i have a big ego and thats why i cant over come this.

    Also, she claims she isnt/wasnt infectious and thats what she knew at best, as she is an inactive carrier currently. But with her condition it can get active at any time without symptoms (hence she has to do yearly testing) and if it does get active then it would definitely be infectious. So she played the probability game as the chance of her infecting me would be close to zero (any maybe zero) but nothing assured or guaranteed.

    I agree it is a tough thing to tell, but if you have HIV its tough, but dont you have to tell?

    No one has left her because of this in the past, im the first person shes told outside her family (she just found out she has it 4 years ago).

    yes only i can know..but in this situation what would you do @AMANDA??

    #653576 Reply

    redcurleysue

    If she has had this at birth then she ought to be fully aware of the issues concerned with this virus.

    I looked this up on the internet:

    Most people do not know they are carriers of hepatitis B unless they get a blood test. A carrier usually has no signs or symptoms of hepatitis B, but will be infected for the rest of his/her life and is capable of passing the disease to others. … About 1.25 million people in the U.S. have chronic hepatitis B infection.

    Also:

    “I am inactive carrier of Hep B HBV DNA neg E antigen Neg and Hbsag +ve. Can Hep B be transmitted to my Girl friend if I kiss her mouth to mouth? Also please tell if there are drugs in future to get Hbsag neg? Please Im worried.

    Response from Dr. McGovern

    You ask a good question.

    1. Since you are an inactive carrier and do not have virus in your bloodstream, you are currently not infectious. 2. Although hepatitis B is in saliva, we are not sure if it is efficiently spread though saliva. However, we always recommend not sharing drinking or eating utensils. Kissing is not a recognized route for transmission. 2. As you know, hepatitis B can “reactivate” and the virus can show up again in your bloodstream; so the best protection would be to have your girlfriend get vaccinated so there is no risk whatsoever to her.”

    To me this is an important set of knowledge to have. I suggest you see a doctor immediately who specializes in HEP B and get all the facts.

    #653585 Reply

    Phillygirl

    I agree with RCS, but the fact that she tried to turn this around on you, (now that you’ve shared that additional information here) would be the nail in the coffin for me.

    A person who acts dishonestly and then tries to blame the other person lacks good character. The more you reveal the more I believe leaving her is the best option.

    It’s of course up to you, but she really sounds manipulative. That is a very slippery slope.

    #653616 Reply

    Hannah

    She knows she has to be tested each year to find out if the virus has become active. That means most of the year she has no clue if she’s active or not. She played Russian roulette with your health.

    It’s even worse she got upset with you and said she didn’t see this as a big deal. Of course she knows it’s a big deal. If she thought it wasn’t, she would have had no problem telling you right away. Deflecting onto you like that isn’t good. It shows she fights dirty, lacks maturity and/or empathy and doesn’t face up to her responsibilities. How old is she? She sounds very young.

    I’m sure she didn’t do this maliciously. What she did is very wrong and she would most likely have faced criminal charges if she infected you though. I think once someone starts deceiving someone, it’s difficult to later turn round and admit it. She dug a hole for herself.

    #653619 Reply

    Amanda

    Samson now that I know more about the disease her behavior is inexcusable. It may have been a small risk but you had the right to know, especially when you could be easily vaccinated and protected. It is also not good that she is not admitting her mistake. In general, some people can be scared to tell another person a small thing because they think the other person will mistake it for a big thing. But in her case it really is a big thing , or at least a medium thing, and should have been disclosed.

    The only way I would forgive this person is if they fully admitted it was their fault and they were wrong and they wouldn’t do it again. Because she has not done that, I would end it.

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