Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › FWB tells me it's over, but keeps coming back
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Daya
I met a guy at a club last summer and we hit it off. I wasn’t looking for anything serious or long-term, because I’m still not over a painful divorce so we became fwb. While most of the time things are good, he sometimes tells me he likes me too much and can’t be in a fwb relationship with me. I completely respect that, but it’s the way he brings it up that confuses me. Also the fact that within days he always changes his mind, and tells me he wants me again (his words).
For example we could go out one evening, have a great time, he’ll text me the next day, and if I take too long to respond he’ll say “I can’t do this anymore” or “I feel like you don’t care about me.” To be honest, the first couple times he did this I didn’t want to lose the “with benefits” part so I told him I’d text him more often. The next time he did it I was really hurt and decided the “benefits” weren’t worth it so I blocked his number. He borrowed a friend’s phone so I’d answer him and stupid me, we started again.
I’m embarrassed to say he’s pulled this stunt a few more times since and I’ve accepted his behavior by taking him back everytime except this past time. What I’d like to know is, is it possible this guy likes me that much (hard to tell, but I’m reading more into his actions than his words)? I assumed most guys would be thrilled that their fwb doesn’t want to tie them down. We also tried to be just friends but it’s impossible to be platonic (he’s the best I’ve been with hands down).
What are your opinions ladies?
redcurleysue
I believe this man could be in love with you and FWB is not enough for him. You are focused on the sex and he wants that and more.
I do have questions for you though. How long have you been divorced? Do you ever envision yourself having another long term relationship? Would you consider this guy if you were over the divorce?
If you would never have a long term with this guy I think it is only fair to him to let him totally go since pure friendship does not work and he wants more than you can give. He needs to find someone who deserves his love – there are plenty of women who would snatch him up in a heartbeat.
Daya
I forgot to mention that he knows I’m not emotionally ready to be in a real relationship, and he’s broken things off after we have a silly argument (showing me he’s not ready for a relationship either). His bday was on valentine’s day and I told him that I wanted to treat that day as purely his bday, complete with a gift. I thought he’d know by now that I do care for him as more than a booty call.
LAgirl
What do you want?
LAgirl
If you are not emotionally ready… why are you playing games?
You are either ready or not? You seem to want more from him and are play the “i am not ready, i’ve been too hurt” card.
LAgirl
And if he is really into you? You know what is annoying for other women on here who would want that? You are playing him…for whatever reason…so if you want him, great. If not, not sure what your opine is here.
Erin
I would kill to be in your shoes!! Haha, man I’m never able able to be detached. I’m always the person in your guy’s position here, wanting more, not getting it, swearing you off, then coming back because I want you so damn bad, against my better judgement. He is taking what he can get I think. Which sucks for him…but sometimes, in my opinion, it feels better to get a little bit of what you want then nothing at all. Do you think you will ever come around to wanting more from him? Could you fall in love with him? What if he disappeared, would that make you want him?
Daya
redcurleysue –
Officially divorced for 8 months but we were separated for 2 years prior. I wouldn’t consider him for long term because I feel he lacks ambition in life. He’s 35, never been married, and lives with his mom and sister (and not in the head of household kind of way). I’d understand if he was laid off from work and was figuring out his finances or was temporarily disabled and needed care, but he says he can move out whenever he wants, making me believe he doesn’t want to.
LAgirl –
I don’t think I’m the one playing games. If he’d sit me down and calmly explain that he wants out I’d completely respect his decision. But his way of doing it is either 1) when he’s hurt, 2) when he’s angry, or 3) when he’s drunk. Maybe that’s why I don’t take him seriously when he says it.
What I’m taking away from this is that even though he keeps saying he wants out and always ends up coming around, that I should be the strong one and not let him back in my life. Is that correct?
Daya
Erin –
Be careful what you wish for ;)
I’ve asked myself that question and sometimes I feel, that yes, I could fall for him. But I think we have different goals in life. He doesn’t have plans for the future, he’s more free-spirited, and he smokes weed a lot. I’d like my future partner to have a little more direction in life.
erin
IN a way, you are just what each other needs and you shouldn’t feel guilty or HAVE to be the grown up and make all the tough decisions. You need something to rub on to move on from your relationship. He needs someone like you, too, but perhaps only if you are honest! Like, you could probably be with him for real, but you’re really looking for someone more mature. Maybe if he knew that he would be like oh – epiphany, I should get my act together. And while it probably won’t work out for you guys, this thing with you is just more information for him that he needs to make some grown up decisions. Including not sleeping with women who can’t meet his needs emotionally.
EM
I think it would best to let him go. He’s just going to get more and more attached to you the longer you stay with him. Based on his behavior, he likes you more than you like him, so it would be best to be the stronger one and go no contact with him.
Harley
be kind to this guy…let him go. you’re messing with his head and heart…..and that’s not fair.
you both have different values and want different things out of life….so you are NOT a future relationship imo.
Emma
I would say the kindest thing would be is to let him go. All this back and forth is not good for this guy. He has emotional attatch mental to you and the longer you keep letting him back in the more deeper his feelings will become and the guy is going to an emotional wreck.
I was in this guys position once and boy did it seriously fuck with my head. It isn’t fair on him or you. Going no contact allows you to heal and also gives this guy an opportunity to heal aswell and to get the emotional attatchment he has with you out of his system. From experience is hurts like hell but in time he will get over it. I may sound harsh here but it isn’t fair to string someone along when you know full well you don’t want anything more with him. When he comes back time and time again he is holding onto a glimmer of hope that you will change your mind. If you care about him at all I think its best to let go. :-)
redcurleysue
Hi Daya,
Although you have explained so much there are spaces here I am trying to wrap my head around. You feel more for him than a booty call but his lifestyle and yours are incompatible. You could fall for him but no long term future.
I think you see the mixed messages you are giving us are also being sent to him. It is frustrating for him – you see that don’t you?
I recently read somewhere that a relationship is only as healthy as it’s weakest member. He seems to be the weakest (no ambition, smokes pot, lives with family) and I would say he is looking for someone to take care of him. And you strike me as a strong woman who has her act together…sure he is attracted to you.
But what about you? Who is meeting your needs for someone to lean on in times of trouble? Someone who has the courage to face the world and live in it?
I am sorry but I really think you have to be the strong one and break off – this would not end well for either of you. Just tell him you care about him but seeing each other is not working (it’s not) and time for both of you to move on and you can’t do that successfully with him in your life or you in his.
Hilary Turenne
Hi, my name is Hilary and I’m a freshman, which I’m in a friends with benefits with this senior. Before that, I liked him and he also liked me back, so we started to text each other back. He’s such a sweet guy and adorable, but then my sister was mad and didn’t like our relationship with one another since she doesn’t trust him before because he did something that he shouldn’t have. We had a little emotional argument and we didn’t talk nor text at all. but then again, he comes back and now we have this friends with benefits and I’m having mixed feelings and I still like him. but I don’t know about him though.
Raven
High school or College?
Faith
My fwb has been messing around for over 3 years. He states he doesn’t want a “label” but expects the benefits. When explaining I want more he then gets annoyed almost. We get into multiple arguments and he says he’s done with me. I just say okay. We are 12 years apart and him being the oldest. I know he has been through things in a past relationship and so have I. He would come back to me and say things about only wanting me. He tries to open up to me but struggles. He is afraid of commitment and he makes it obvious. This past time he asked for sex I said no I was good with being friends. He doesn’t want more than friends okay we aren’t having sex. He called it a quit. What am I doing wrong? Why does he come back and forth with wanting me? Why does he say he wants me but struggles?
Raven
@Faith, because you allow it… Simple as that
tammy
why do you keep letting him in? if hes quit that’s that. you want more but he doesn’t. so why do you keep letting him walk back in when he leaves? please shut the door and bolt it next time he leaves. when he comes around next and finds your door locked, he will either walk away forever or he will hang around and ring your doorbell. and seek your permission to walk back in. pls dont be available to such men and dont let them use you..
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