Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › FWB dumped me
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Deb.
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Alex
Mistral you think telling a depressed person to cheer up works. Who knew?
Alex
Gemini I’m a nice person. Why doesn’t he want what i offer
Khadija
Alex,
I’ll say my peace and then leave this thread.
Although there was good advice given you choose to still focus on why this man does not want you anymore. I can see now that your issues probably lie deeper than any advice we can offer.
I do hope that you seek whatever help you need to become well in mind, body, and spirit.
Best wishes to you!Gemini615
You can be the nicest, most beautiful girl in the world and he could still not want you. If he met someone else that he feels he connects with better, then so be it. That’s what happens in life, in marriages, in committed relationships, and especially in FWB arrangements. There are no guarantees that any relationship will work out, but you and him didn’t even have a real relationship.
You described earlier some of his erratic behavior; he does not sound too nice and not like someone who deserves you. Again, this goes back to your own issues with depression and your apparent lack of self-esteem. You pick people like this because you think it’s what you deserve. If you were confident enough in yourself and you felt you deserved better, you wouldn’t have even gotten emotionally attached to a man like this and you would have walked away with no problem and found someone else who DOES see what a wonderful catch you are.
Mistral is right, you kind of are throwing yourself a pity party. I advise you to stay away from FWB arrangements from now on, because more than likely this is how they turn out and it seems you can’t handle it.There are exceptions (like Mistral’s case) where it develops into an actual relationship, but more often than not it’s fun and casual until someone wants out. This is not something you should be devastated by.
Alex
It’s because i lost everything I had a few years ago.ive not recovered. I fight i try and fix it and it just goes wrong again.
Alexis
Alex —
I know exactly where you are coming from. I too have struggled with depression and have sought men as my “distraction”. This is not healthy! As I’ve gotten older and have learned from past experiences, I know that I cannot depend on men for happiness and I can only find that within myself.
Like the other ladies have stated, if you have been diagnosed with depression, you need to seek help immediately.
In the meantime, you need to COMPLETELY detox yourself from this guy. It will be hard. But you need to do it. Delete every single text thread, note, email, letter, whatever correspondence you had with this guy. Erase every single trace of him. act like he doesn’t even exist. Like I stated before, if you can replace those items you left at his place, leave it. If these are important items maybe have a mutual friend pick them up. Avoid all sorts of contact with him. Because he could possibly draw you in again, esp if he knows that you’re vulnerable. NEVER let a man dictate your feelings. This has been my motto for years now, “I refuse to let a man control my emotions.” I want you to keep telling yourself that over and over again until it sinks it.
Get a hobby, pick up a new interest, find something that will distract you from thinking of him. Several things that have helped me: gym, yoga, music, writing, young professional events, etc etc. Get up and get out of the house.
Next thing you need to move upward and onward and learn from this. Get up and dust yourself off and carry on with your head held high. If you know that you are vulnerable and get easily attached, like my fellow ladies stated, you should consider not being in a FWB type of relationship. Not all women are made for this kind of setup. And that is okay! Different stroked for different folks.
This will be tough, I’ve been in your shoes. If I can get through this, you can get through this. It will take time. But you will overcome.
Alex
I used to be so happy.
I spoiled my life with poor choices.
He has actually behaved like a total idiot with some of the most outrageous behaviour I’ve ever seen. My head knows he is bad news. My heart says otherwise.
Ivy
Your head is smarter than your heart.
You can now make a good choice and let this guy go.
Mistral
We are all only responsible FOR OUR OWN ACTONS.
Alex, honestly, your actions are all about you and the pity pot you are sitting on. Either take the dump or get off the pot.
Your choice. Either take responsibility for YOUR OWN ACTIONS or stay miserable forever. Your choice.
Alex
He’s already let me go.
I guess I’m annoyed I got taken in by him.
I hope he did care a little. You dont stay in touch for that long if you don’t
Im just venting at the moment.
Mistral
Good! I’m GLAD you are FINALLY VENTING and GETTING ANGRY!!!
You’re annoyed because your ego got bruised. You’ll get over it.
Now, take this time to pamper yourself and treat yourself with kindness. Read up on how to have healthy relationships with yourself first and then with other people.
I don’t honestly believe you are “clinically depressed”. You obviously are feeling down because something really bad and unexpected happened. That is perfectly normal and no reason to go running to a therapist to get a prescription for addictive drugs.
Start reading articles on how to be more confident and you will find yourself bouncing out of this “depression” within a couple of weeks at the most.
Alex
How dare you Mistral.
I had a severe depressive episode that took away everything that I was. Once you’ve suffered you remain vulnerable. It never goes away. My friends remark that I’m still not quite the “Alex” not my real name anyway that i used to be.
I do suffer and im medicated on an off.
Alex
This first depressive episode was 2.5 years ago. Long before I met this guy.
Mistral
So why didn’t you go to the therapist then and if you did, why didn’t you get “cured”?
My point here is no therapist or drugs or alcohol will solve your “depression”. Pot might if you live in one of the 14 states in the US where pot for medical use is legal. Or countries in Europe where it’s legal or at least decriminalized.
The only real cure for depression is happiness. I have shown you ways to get yourself “happy” and get rid of your depression.
No pill is going to cure this ill.
Alex
Mistral you are extremely ignorant or extremely young. Which is it?
The only cure for depression is happiness.
Go and look up depression and speak to a dr about it. Tell them you think you can get cured by getting happy or going to a therapist.
Mistral
You are too funny. Okay, keep taking your pills and see where they get ya…I guess some are just too blind to see…so sad…
tallady
Mistral,
stop bullying this poor girl. your advice is not a problem it’s that you’re being mean to her when she’s clearly got a bigger issue. It is very very very inappropriate to keep telling her to just get better when someone is in therapy. Ease off immediately. you are taking this too far, and clearly are incapable of reading signs when someone cannot take your coaching. remember communication is only as good as what the receiver feels. As a person who also gives out harsh advice, I know this deeply.
Alex
Thank you tall lady for your kind words.
If the cure for depression was as simple as get happy and get therapy no one would ever suffer and yet. They do.
If anyone has anything constructive to say please do.
tallady
Alex, Mistral’s advice is not far off. There is a component of just choosing. I’m not sure that choosing happiness is possible for you, but choosing to move on is. It is a choice. You also need to take responsibility of the fact that you’re in this position. You accepted less than you deserve, and that is the real reason why you were upset. Something to talk about with the therapist. I doubt your therapist would have been on board with you having a friends with benefits to begin with given your proneness to depression. It is your responsibility especially when you have an illness to take care of yourself emotionally and physically. why he is not interested we will never know, I have suffered from that very often and its not helpful, because it doesn’t change anything. if you were truly prone to depressive episodes, my guess is he could feel that on some level. It’s difficult to be with someone with that type of illness. I’m not blaming you, but this man was not your boyfriend, and you really need to be with people who are invested in supporting you
soni
I think she was just trying to help snap u out of your sad situation. and things kinda escalated.
I think if a person keeps thinking that they are sick, or that they are sad, or that they have a string of bad luck, or such negative thoughts, it won’t help her snap out of her sad and depressive state. if u keep thinking o I am sad u wont feel happy. saying that I duno much about chronic depression but know enough that people suffering from it need medication and regular therapy.
u have had serious bouts of depression in the past. u don’t want a relapse, do u? so try thinking happy things and sticking close to people who value u and want to be around u. try taking ur mind off things. sometimes things work and sometimes they don’t. try not taking it tooo personally and making yourself sick over it. its not rejection. its simply not meant to be. that’s how I try to think. it keeps me optimistic and hopeful for future.
many of us are looking for our soul mates. and we need to kiss many frogs before we find our prince charming. don’t forget that. your not alone. ur great. think ur great. if he doesn’t want u. that’s fine. let him go. in your mind and from your life. ur a strong beautiful woman. there will be others who will see u for what u r. u dnt have to beg a man to be with u. u don’t really..
Lola
Make a list of all the good things in your life.
Take a walk or exercise.
Arrange to see a friend.
Get a mani-pedi
Start watching a series (game of thrones is a good one)
Distractions are important for you right now. Pamper yourself.
Good luck!
(Ps you are too good for him)alia
Alex, please hear out the advice here and the posters who say that this guy validates your own low self image. Are you wanting this person because they don’t want you? Because they are reinforcing that you are unlovable?
But deep down despite depression you have self preservation. That’s why you are still here, that’s why you are posting and essentially asking for help. This is the glimmer of your recovery. This moment of reaching out to us and realizing this guy ultimately is not good for you. And you probably don’t even like him.
Take Lola’s good advice. Do all of those things on her list this week. It’s going to be a very busy week. All the best to you!Stefanie
I’ve been off this site for a while now and just dropped in to look. I am going to break my silence because I’ve been dealing with depression on and off since I was a teenager and I’m now on meds and have been “clinically” depressed since Feb.
Alex, I feel for you, been there. Am there right now and I’m determined to flow through this, never need to get depressed again and teach others how to leave depression behind permanently.
Please don’t be upset with Mistral – she means well and I think you are misconstruing. She’s not telling you to “get happy” and get over it. Everyone here is trying to help you and supports you, truly. We are not here to kick you.
I’ve really done the deep dive into depression and I’ve written a 50 page book about it I”m going to publish on Amazon later this year.
There are many views on it. Here is mine. The root of it all is your thinking and viewpoint on life. Yes, even the “chemical” or clinical depression. Look at Martin Seligman’s work. The site clinical dash depression dot co dot uk helped me tremendously and I tend to agree with most of what they say there.
Meds are a very necessary aid to help you get well, like a crutch when you have a broken leg. You are not meant to be on them forever.
Language is very important and I say to people stop talking about beating, kicking, defeating or otherwise waging war on depression. Your feelings are a GPS system. Would you kick the GPS in your car for telling you that you are going the wrong way and to please make a U turn?? Of course not. Your depression is there with messages for you and it’s asking for love and attention. That’s why it lies and tells some people to harm themselves.
You’ve been given a lot of good advice here. Straight up from me – this is not a healthy situation. Stop it. Leave this guy behind. He’s a game you can never win. Put yourself and your health first and when you get that straight you won’t even attract situations like this any longer. I”m taking the whole summer for me. Everyone one else is second. May sound selfish but when you’re not there for you you really can’t be there for anybody. Putting yourself last all the time is dumb and gets you walked on.
Whatever you think you lost… let it go. You will not ever be the same. Surprise! You will be BETTER. This can be an amazing growth experience if you work with it and not fight it.
Am I helping?? I hope so honey.
Alex
Thank you Stephanie.
What really scares me is that a few of my friends said that he will be back when he is single or not and horny. I really hope he does….I know how bad that sounds.
Maybe I cant just do fwb and I’m being angry for no reason.
Stefanie
You’re welcome Alex.
Given your history with him your friends are probably right. In which case you say it’s nice of him to get in touch but your life has gone another direction and you wish him the best but do not wish further contact. Period. There is no being just friends with this guy. And you don’t want to get hooked into sex with him again for sure.
HOnestly, this doesn’t sound like a healthy situation. YOU DESERVE BETTER. Part of depression is low self esteem and low expectations of others. Ask yourself what is the payoff for staying in something like this. Honestly… I have gotten involved with men for many years who were not emotionally available or physically available and I have just gotten clear enough to see it’s because it protects me from a real relationship failing. With an unavailable person it was bound never to work so you can’t win… BUT you also can’t lose! When you get healthy, you get past all that and have confidence in yourself to handle whatever life puts on your path.
Hugs.
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