This topic contains 25 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Hannah 1 year, 5 months ago.
January 11, 2017 at 11:17 am #591722
So it is rare that I find someone that is all three to me: an intellectual, emotional and physical match. We met, and at first it was purely physical, and he was seeing other people and we gave each other little time. He made it clear to me that he didn’t want to commit. I asked him if he was seeing other people, he said no, but he was. My gut feeling was telling me he was lying, and sure enough, his roommate said he was sleeping with a few others. It’s fine- he was free to do so, as was i, we weren’t commited.
As time went on, he showed more and more interest to me. I thought this was it, he was in love with me. Then I found a condom wrapper in his bed. I was crushed. I left, and 3 days later, we were talking again, with me settling with the fact that we weren’t exclusive; it didn’t matter, I loved him. I was okay with not being exclusive, I wasn’t necessarily ready to commit either. Then I became obsessed with the girl he slept with. Then he let me confide in him when I felt insecure, and I let him know when I was thinking of them sleeping together, and he reassured me they weren’t. I told him he can’t have all the benefits of a relationship without actual exclusivity. But then I waited, and waited.
I then left to go travel for a few weeks, and not a minute went by where we weren’t talking. He was so affectionate, so caring, it was so bizarre, it was the exact opposite of what I expected. I expected him to go flee with other girls, blah blah. So I went on tinder in europe and tried going on a few dates; to no avail, I couldn’t stop thinking about *him*. When I came home, I told him about this, I am honest, I would never hide these things.
I came home from my travels, and we spent every waking second together for 4 days, I was helping him clean his new place, we were having contstant sex, things were absolutely incredible. Until yesterday, when I went to his house with a weird feeling in my gut. That same gut feeling that signalled him being interested in other girls. All of a sudden he was getting constant messages. I went on his laptop to look up a recipe and briefly saw a text from a girl, and he was complimenting her on her ass. Hours before I came back to his house from lunch with my dad, then he was texting her while I was still there.
For some reason, this time I had an empowering moment, and I said enough is enough, this is self degrading to me, I like him so much, but that isn’t enough. The hurt of breaking it off will be less in the end than staying with someone that makes me paranoid, insecure, but in love.
I swear, he showed me that I can love a person. We constnatly made inside jokes, we had the exact same interests, incredible sex, amazing dates, and more and more I was falling and falling for him.
I guess this is more of a rant, but I really would love an outside perspective. This has spanned 9 months, at the beginning it was physical, towards the end it was truly the best friend i’ve ever found- with sex. I only say that because there was never exclusivity, but in the end, that hurt me the most, and i guess i lied to myself.
I haven’t talked to him since I left his house and grabbed all my stuff, I deleted him off facebook jsut to stop reminding myself of him (although I still creep things he does), I just can’t get him off my mind. I’m on and off crying, i’ve lost the best friend i’ve had in a while. I can’t stop thinking about the both bad and good times, they evened themselves out, with more good than anything. He had every right to see other people, but clearly I likd him way more.
I just need advice. How do I move on….He was the first guy I was into for over a year. I had lost hope before I met him. And now i’m not hopeless, just sad. So sad. I miss him so much, and it’s only been a day. He was so sad when I left, but I can’t stay with him knowing there’s other girls. He told me it’s not the same with them as it is with me, he cares for me, likes me so much, blah blah. I just can’t stand knowing he’s pursuing other girls.
January 11, 2017 at 11:35 am #591725
Unfortunately after spending nine months in some sort of a relationship with someone, you will not be able to just shut off those feelings. It is going to take you at least half that time to feel over it.
At this point the best thing you can do is shut him out completely and resist temptation to spy on him via social media. Knowing that he’s pursuing other women will only cause you pain. No good can come from it. You are truly better not knowing.
You did the right thing. Knowing that you loved him he said the sweet things that had always made you give in before, but you need to love yourself and that means nothing less than having loyalty and commitment to the person YOU feel in love with. He sounded fond of you…fondness is not the same as love, and you deserve to have a partner that loves you too.January 11, 2017 at 11:37 am #591726
First off kudos to you for having the strength to leave.
I know that was hard but, he was putting you in a tough situation. He knows you have feelings but, yet he chose to sleep with other women and not hide it. In some way I find that a little harsh.
Also, you were putting your health at risk who knows how many else existed and if he was using protection with them.
While you felt a certain way about him his actions to me shows me he wasn’t on that page. I say this to get you to see this for what it was, an FWB situation at best.
Take your power back and believe that better is out there. He is not the end all be all.Someone else will come along that wants you and only you.
He’ll probably reach out to see how you are doing or something along those lines. Don’t respond and stay strong. This will get better.
Lastly,always go for what you want. The mistake you made is staying after he made it clear he wasn’t up for a relationship. Next time if a man says that keep it moving.January 11, 2017 at 11:43 am #591729
Congratulations for deciding to delete him from your life. This person absolutely doesn’t deserve you. He won’t commit to you, he won’t be exclusive, he is just taking you for granted. Everything here illustrates the fact that you are a sensitive person, who isn’t afraid to love.
He, on the contrary, is a just the random egoistial, explotive representative of our generation.
Delete him and never look back!
He isn’t worthy of more.January 11, 2017 at 11:46 am #591730
I feel for you about loving someone who doesn’t love you back the way you deserve. Time to suck it up and get your pride back. Breathe and know that this is just a life experience. It’s ok and believe me, you arne’t the only woman who makes this mistake. I have plenty of times.
Time for tough advice. This is all on you. He told you from the beginning and in your own words “He made it clear to me that he didn’t want to commit.” YOU DECIDED TO STAY, AND accept the treatment he was giving you. When you care for someone it’s hard, especially when you hope that he will fall in love with you as time goes by. Men fall in love differently than women do. He was honest this whole time. I get why you waited and settled for him. Don’t contact him. Forgive yourself and you didn’t make any mistakes that ruin your life so be happy. You just learned to give your heart to someone and learn to give. That’s better than just taking 100%. Next time, don’t give your heart to someone until they earn it ant want it and it will be obvious. I agree with the above poster, leave him alone and love yourself right now, accept the fact you made a mistake it’s ok, you now know what you don’t want. It’ll take time to grieve and move on, but in a few weeks of no contact you’ll feel yourself be better off and when you focus on what you want. He’s going to cross your mind and he’s prob going to reach out but remember that he’ll never be the man you want him to be. Don’t put up with that treatment in a partner.January 11, 2017 at 11:57 am #591732
I asked him if he was seeing other people, he said no, but he was. My gut feeling was telling me he was lying, and sure enough, his roommate said he was sleeping with a few others. It’s fine- he was free to do so, as was i, we weren’t commited.
1) So he lied to you. He said he is not, but he was. This is called lying my dear.
2) It is silly to say that that because you are not official he can sleep with others. You are being a fool, I am sorry. Do you know that almost NO women would allow this. Take a poll here on this site and you’d see that sex is almost always exclusive in any situation, FWB or booty calls or whatever. You can go on dates but once women get sexual they demand exclusivity and if they see that the guy is taking them for a fool and lying to them, they dump him. Guys do the same. If you sleep with someone even casually try telling them you have another sexual partner, see what happens. In nearly all cases they’d dump you. If not right away then within the next 1-2 weeks.
So you finally did dump him, only 9 months later. I hope you have enough self esteem not to go back to this cheater. It makes me angry for you and other women who are being brainwashed into such things. Ladies smarten up and don’t allow degrading of yourself.January 11, 2017 at 12:00 pm #591735
Nat, I so agree with much of what you say, especially that we women are being brainwashed into thinking men treating us like we’re a candy store is okay. I feel the same way. If we didn’t put up with it, it wouldn’t be happening. There was a time when most women wouldn’t have sex unless they were married. Well, that changed and for me that was for the better. But…this new trend of having sex with tons of partners and not accepting exclusivity…I don’t think that empowers women. It reduces us.January 11, 2017 at 12:10 pm #591740
When you feel sad, just keep reminding yourself how you deserve so much better than a guy texting & having sex with other girls. Repeat that in your head a lot & after awhile, you’ll be disgusted by himJanuary 11, 2017 at 12:27 pm #591749
Caroline-Here is something to think about-you said you lost your best friend-well a friend (let alone a good boyfriend)would not lie to you or cheat on you. Stop thinking of him as a friend and see him for the jerk he is. That is how you move on-get angry ,not sad and then let it go.January 11, 2017 at 12:29 pm #591751
I so agree with Peggy, he’s also not the love of your life? What did he do to earn that title? See our point? There’s nothing that you have posted that made this man nice or honor you even as a human being.January 11, 2017 at 12:29 pm #591752
Also,he told you he was not the commitment type and you kept wanting things to be different-believe guys the first time they tell you that-if you want more,don’t hang around.January 11, 2017 at 2:17 pm #591782
You deserve so much better than this. He is not the “love of your life”, he doesn’t even deserve to be a “friend”.
He is scum who knew you were growing feelings and decided to take advantage of that, while clearing himself of the guilt by saying he’s not committed. Take this as an opportunity to reinforce your boundaries, if a man is giving you less than what you deserve, cut him loose.
Eventually you will see this guy as the jerk he truly is. Stand by your principals, don’t accept less than a man willing to give you a committed relationship, do this enough and you will find the real love of your life.January 11, 2017 at 2:19 pm #591784
Thank you so much :)January 11, 2017 at 2:51 pm #591798
how long have you been seeign each other for?January 11, 2017 at 3:00 pm #591800
value yourself more.
keep busy. distract yourself.
date others….just to get out and stop thinking at home.
He will be back in touch…..they always are ! Stay firm. think of your self respect. HOW could you ever trust him now.
never, ever want a man who does not want you. …and shows it with and cations and actions and words.January 11, 2017 at 3:04 pm #591802
Been there done that
The biggest mistake of your life you would make is to take him back when he comes around. I have done that with my ex and it really messed up our relationship. He thought he could get away with everything and in the end I couldn’t take it and things got uglier.January 11, 2017 at 3:23 pm #591807
T from NY
You will only ever be truly happy when YOU make better decisions for you. You are not sad because he is pursuing other women — you are sad because he did not give you what you wanted (exclusivity) — which is his right to choose.
I am also sad you are hurting but the point I’m trying to make is — you are hurting because YOU allowed the behavior over and over again. Wishes don’t make things happen. Worries don’t make things better. Taking action on behalf of yourself — loving and respecting your self — these are the things that bring happiness.
And you are STILL deluding yourself. Although I am also glad you found the courage to leave him — by titling this post as being about the ‘love of your life’ — you’re still giving him credit where it HAS NOT been earned.
You said when you asked him if he was seeing others he said no but that when you found out he was sleeping around that it was okay “because you weren’t committed”. Of course he can shag whoever he wants — that doesn’t make him a bad man or a liar but telling you he’s NOT does!!! And yet you still go on about how wonderful he was.
Please take some time to see how you gave WAY TOO MUCH of your time to someone who was not a good person. Having sex with the guy was not the problem. You not listening to him and continuing to accept his disrespectful behavior of you and now to be mourning him when he was so callous with you is a YOU problem.
I hope for you to expect better for youJanuary 11, 2017 at 5:07 pm #591833
It is so true what has been written in previous comments. First, it was very stupid of you to have stayed with a guy who explicitly said that he did not want a commitment. Second, he lied to you something that you had the right to know – if he was sleeping with other women. It makes him a liar and a bad person although you were not in a relationship. Then you decided to accept having non-exclusive sex, which was obviously a mistake especially since you were not sleeping with anyone else. Aferwards, he showed great interest in you – this is what makes him a great jerk because he seduced you with his sweet words and behaviour while sleeping with other women while lying about it. This is called deceit. And your huge mistake is that you decided to fall for him although he STILL did not say that he would commit. Yes, there were a lot of things in between, but you basically volontarily entered the relationship in which you would get hurt. It sounded like you enjoyed hating yourself, degrading yourself, and hurting. I think that none of this have happened if you had self-respect and self-love. Please, try to re-evaluate what personality trait of yours brought you to this situation. It will be self-respect, self-love and your wrong opinion of what true friendship is and what true love means. When you learn to love yourself and respect yourself as well as learn what love and friendship are, you will never let yourself be treated in this way or be hurt because of someone who was using you as an object.January 11, 2017 at 10:56 pm #591961
Thank you ladies- this is amazing advice. There is evidently a lack of self love and self respect, thankfully I can tackle that in therapy. My appointment is tomorrow morning.
Please keep them coming. I am actually benefiting beyond belief.
Thank you again.January 11, 2017 at 11:04 pm #591966
Not that this matters at this point – but just curious – how long were you seeing him without a committment?
Yes, i know it stings. but you know what …i always say this…your chances of being with this guy are lower if you actually stayed in a less than desired non-relationship (you’re not happy, needy and insecure), versus if you walked away and meant it (you have dignity, pride, and out of sight/out of mind) — he might just think otherwise and change his mind about you. but let’s not bank on that right now and have some self-respect for yourself and stop groveling towards this man who is absolutely playing you.
you found out about him, you knew he wasn’t into a committment and in essence, he was able to do whatever he wanted on his free time. okay, fine you made a mistake. jsut know you’re not going to repeat that again, and today is when you will start. don’t ever change your boundaries for someone who hasn;t showed any investment in you. walk away when you aren’t getting what you want. you’ll be more respected for it. glad you are able to recognize your own unhappiness and jumped ship. block him and move on. he’s going to be shocked that you dared to leave so unceremoniously.January 11, 2017 at 11:16 pm #591972
I only read your original post but my immediate response is WTF types of “best friends” do you have??! I’m sorry to be so brutally honest but your deluding yourself with your emotions. A TRUE best friend has your best interest in mind, a true best friend wants the best for you and feels your pain as you do, never wanting to hurt you, a true best friend has an unfiltered honesty, places high value on your relationship and treats you with the upmost respect… So again. I frankly don’t see that here. This sounds like a typical guy saying all the right things and a typical girl who’s so “in love” her brain isn’t able to properly function. Don’t let him make you feel inferior, don’t let yourself believe you NEED him. You WANTED him, you still do and you’re heartbroken that you found out he sucks as a person but that’s life! There are PLENTY of men that are fully capable of being your “best friend” and there are plenty if men who wouldn’t ever treat you like that. Good luck! Stay strong!January 12, 2017 at 12:47 am #592009
I got emotionally attached maybe 4 months in. I experienced some severe cognitive dissonance, that’s for sure.January 12, 2017 at 1:06 am #592013
Caroline, I’m so sorry you went thru the experience that you did. Certainly, no one deserves that.
That said, what Jamie, Peggy, Omi, and most of the others commented is solid. Bear in mind while you may have considered this man to be the love of your life, clearly you were not the love of his. That it is wholly detestable that he capitalized on your vulnerability to some extent, goes without questions. Of course, you are going to hurt right now and be sad. You invested yourself into this thinking that he was it, unfortunately it wasn’t the right thing to do for various reasons. Be gentle with yourself and try and understand that you can’t invest the kind of feelings that you did and just wake up 24 hours later and be over it. Do whatever you have o do to process what happened and realize above all that you didn’t do anything wrong. You cared deeply and you went all in. It takes a lot of courage to do that in the face of someone telling you the things he told you. That it was the wisest thing you’ve ever done, no, probably not, but don’t be ashamed of being led by your heart. That willingness to love, will eventually work out with the right guy. True, you wouldn’t be the first woman who thought she could change the perspective of a man with her love and devotion and while sometimes it works, this time it didn’t. Just be good to yourself it’s going to take a rather long minute for you to get over your feelings of loss. Once you process all of this, then you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and try again. Your best friend is out there, you just haven’t found each other yet.January 12, 2017 at 10:07 am #592088
Ladies, thank you. I feel absolutely crushed by the fact that he didn’t love me, that he took advantage of me, of my vulnerability, of my sensitivity, of my willingness to give, and constantly being there for him. I became tangled in a web of false hope, insecurity, deceit, and so on. Obviously, I can only blame myself. I have to work on my sense of self, my self love, and the fact that only time will heal. I feel very impatient right now, because we’re not talking anymore and all I want to do is to press fast forward.
Please if you can keep this inspiration coming; I would appreciate it. This message board is keeping me sane right nowJanuary 12, 2017 at 10:40 am #592095
I read a really great quote the other day. It made me think about how a healthy relationship really looks.
“The greatest gift you can give somebody is your own personal development. I used to say, “If you will take care of me, I will take care of you. Now I say, I will take care of me for you, if you will take care of you for me.”
If you find yourself in a situation where you are giving up what you love and what you truly want, you are not engaging in a healthy dynamic. Yes, relationships have compromise, but those compromises are things such as “We can order pizza tonight although I really wanted sushi, we’ll get the sushi tomorrow”.
It is NEVER “Maybe since he doesn’t want children, I just won’t” or “He’s not committed, I’ll just wait because he treats me well” or “I really want to get married but he never does, maybe we don’t need it after all.” These are important things, if you personally need them, they are deal breakers and you owe it to yourself to find a relationship that aligns with what you need for your own happiness.
You must always take care of yourself first, a good relationship is two whole, happy individuals that come together and make something greater than the sum of its parts. Don’t lose your individuality, chances are that’s what attracted your partner to you in the first place.