Found love and lost everything else —


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This topic contains 13 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Joe 3 weeks, 5 days ago.

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  • #607176 Reply

    Jess

    So I’ve always been quite independent but at the same time I have wanted to be in a loving relationship. Last year I decided my passion was travel – I worked hard and saved hard to go half way across the world for work / travel and yup love found me. ‘It finds you when you least expect it’. I stayed with my boyfriend as he supported my dreams and said although 6 months together he would work to pay off his debt and come to meet me. I let my flat go, my car, my job and had hope of this love coming to meet me – what a perfect dream come true!! When I was away I had bad results for a smear test that I had before I left. I decided the stress of it and missing my s/o that I would return home for treatment. I also ended up having a root canal on my tooth and test results were for cancerous cells. All medical things have been resolved. I’ve moved in & to a new town with my s/o!!
    Now I’m looking for work for 2 months and not getting anywhere. I miss my family and friends (who I would have missed anyway when traveling?!) and just genuinely feeling like I’ve found true love but I don’t have much else going for me. Anybody else started up somewhere new where they’ve struggled to settle? Or am I being far too impatient for things to just fall into place? I’ve always been quite lucky but now I feel like I’m quite low. I feel so lucky to have my boyfriend – he is my dream come true but I also don’t want to lose the independent part of me?! He’s got a great job and we’ve decided to save for a home of our own (we currently rent).
    Any advice will be greatly appreciated:)

    #607177 Reply

    redcurleysue

    Have confidence you will find a job. You will make new friend where you are. Your life has changed so know that it will take a little time to adjust. Be positive about the future…it will happen.

    #661521 Reply

    Jess

    It took a while but I found my post!! A lot has happened now and reading back and believing I found true love saddens me!
    I found a job with all the perks I wanted (it wasn’t easy!!) but I also got told after breaking down that I had depression. I had my implant removed the same day as my appointment she told me I was depressed (as we figured that the last time I was happy was before I went to travel/having the implant.
    The link for me is enough not to be taking any sort of contraceptives…I want my body to be ‘natural’ and a few months later regular periods etc…
    so you’re probably thinking about about precautions?! Well let me say that’s nothing to worry about. My sex life is zilch. MY ‘true love’ ignores me most of the time, makes absolutely no effort anymore (unless we are with each other families) and only appears happy when at work or without me.
    He lies about when he will be home after he’d been nice out with the boys.
    He acts as though it wouldn’t make matter if I was about or not
    We argue terribly. He can’t communicate and ignores me when I say how something makes me feel. He told my mum he had no idea I was depressed (when I went to doctors I went to stay with her) and now I’m trying to say how unhappy I am with our sex life and his whole attitude towards me. He speaks to me rarely.
    This time last year I was such a confident girl! Now I feel unstable, unsafe and very very unloved. My friendships have just vanished (they’re all going through so much too) and I don’t feel like I can keep going going back to mum as I feel I stress her out I think I’m just looking tor some advice.

    Will things get better? Is it time to move on from someone who says ‘see you later’ when I say I can’t do this anymore :,( or to sssssh when you’re crying because he wants to watch football? I keep asking him if I’m a priority and He doesn’t really say.

    I feel alone 🙁

    #661528 Reply

    peggy

    Hi Jess-this sounds awful -sorry. This guy has “checked out” and you KNOW you are not even close to his priority. Get out of this relationship and move away if you need to. Stop settling forthis half-baked life-he is practically screaming at you with his behavior to leave him! Good luck.

    #661532 Reply

    redcurleysue

    You need to get out of there. He is no help to you and you need support.

    I would move…and quickly too.

    I am sorry.

    #661537 Reply

    Raven

    Loneliness & depression are an awful combo…

    You’ve got the availability to leave… ?

    #661538 Reply

    Jess

    Do you know when you’d give this advice to your own friends and you don’t know why you won’t for yourself? I’m very scared about my future but I need unbiased advice..and I think you’re both right… 🙁 🙁 🙁

    #661540 Reply

    Jess

    Raven – I don’t really know where to go or what to do?? I’ve not been feeling so depressed recently – more lonely and like I have nowhere to turn or anyone to rely on…I have some savings? Maybe a hotel? I don’t have a plan and maybe that’s my issue as I’ve always had the next step planned out…this time I’ve put hope and faith into this and not sure I’ve thought of a ‘back up’. I feel like I’ve just suddenly hit a brick wall 🙁

    #661549 Reply

    Phillygirl

    I’m’ sorry, but reading through your initial post just now, I immediately thought RED FLAGS EVERYWHERE!

    True love, real love, DOES NOT require you to abandon everything. That makes no sense that you would just let go of everything of substance in your own life for a guy you just met!

    Healthy love encourages a true partnership. It respects your individuality and is the coming together of two lives, not one life taking over everything. This entire relationship sounds like it’s always been a one way street. His way. The minute you have to give up everything for someone else- something is VERY OFF.

    I don’t think this guy was EVER your true love. I’m sorry for all you you’ve been through, but it is your job to take care of you.

    I hope you reallize the only choice is to leave this guy. I also hope you seek out counseling becasue to me it sounds like you need to work on loving yourself better and dealing with your depression.

    It’s very difficult and almost next to impossible to be in a healthy, respectful, mutually beneficial relationship if you aren’t coming from a good place beforehand.

    To me it sounds like you were ripe to fall into a bad situation, because you weren’t in the right frame of mind emotionally when you met him.

    I hope you can see this, and take the time to work on you. This guy is NOT the answer to your dreams

    #661551 Reply

    Sophia

    Since you’ve got a good income look around at apartments in nice areas where you’d like to live. As soon as you have the deposit money and rent required – move!

    I’m so sorry this has happened, but a relationship going pffffft happens all the time, unfortunately. So what would you do if you were in this situation at home? You’d pick yourself up and move!

    So move. Then keep moving. With new hobbies, new friends, new travel destinations, etc.

    Or as Dory would say “just swim”.

    (You’ll be fine. You’ll see)

    #661558 Reply

    Emma

    Baby steps, one at a time. is your health ok? are you cancer free? If yes, celebrate this every morning by smiling and feeling joy. Every time you feel sad, come back to that thought.

    Money comes next. You have a good job now, so keep it. Work hard to keep that job.

    Find a nice location that would be close to social activities and gyms but not too expensive. Then find a roommate. Do not live alone in a city you just moved to. This will make you even more lonely and depressed.

    Once you sign the apartment lease, tell your BF you are moving out and ending things.

    Once you move out and move into your place, cut all contact with him, otherwise he’d try to make you his FWB (aka use you while he is looking for someone new) while you’d be hoping for things to become better.

    Start hobbies, make a plan and start doing things and meeting people. Online dating is one avenue but we all know how artificial and exhausting it is, so use it as one option, but focus on meeting people in real life.

    Take a course somewhere, this is a good way to make new friends. Do not focus on men only,. you can meet women and they might have their brothers or roommates etc.

    Focus on growing your social network, call people, stay in touch, invite them over for drinks and movie. Be very active, look after your health, and if you are very busy you will have less time to feel depressed. Exercise hard, go to the gym everyday or take up on some sports that would make you do something every day.

    If you are in Europe there are some nice biking tours, they can be expensive but there are some cheap ones. Investigate and plan your life WITHOUT this guy.

    I am very sorry your love ended so soon. It is very painful to experience it, like someone’s death, so real.

    Hold on there, have a plan and follow through each step one at a time. Good luck and hugs!!

    #661585 Reply

    Amanda

    Emma gave good advice. You have a job, so you do have freedom. You sound like an adventurous gal so plan your next adventure. You can overcome this! Depression is really hard but being lonely only makes it much much worse. So see a therapist on a regular basis and talk about your “escape” plan. By the way, do you have any desire to go home? If that is what will make you happy then do that! I am sure you have family who would welcome you with open arms. And if not, you can still find your own place with roomies. So get out there girl and spend some time with someone other than this awful bf.

    #661710 Reply

    alia

    New life, new apartment, new hobbies. Leave this guy, just imagine you are single and he is your roommate and it’s time to get your own place. Now is a great time to set life up for yourself however you want it. Relationships are not everything they are cracked up to be. It has to be the right person for you and this guy is not that person. Leave him, move out and move on. Start a hobby you always wanted, really “lean in” your job and career. You’ll be happier than ever in a few months.

    #661729 Reply

    Joe

    Move in temporarily with a family member or a friend until you get on your feet so to speak. Or get a small studio apartment where the rent would be cheap. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and get away from this toxic guy!

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