This topic contains 19 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Emma 1 day, 4 hours ago.
May 16, 2018 at 11:05 am #702671
I spent the last 9 months in what I thought was a good relationship, it wasnt perfect, as none are, but over all good.
The past couple of months were tough. My guy was working out of state a lot and we barely saw each other. When he did have free time, it was difficult for me to get him to stick to plans and a few times he was unresponsive. I had a nagging feeling that led me to create a fake profile on the dating app we met on. I didnt search for him, not contact him through the app, I made the profile and let it sit.
Well, this weekend he viewed the profile and it crushed me. I asked him about it and he adamantly denies that he is using the app. But, the profile is updated with his new job info and even with a pic of him in a shirt from his new job. The profile is also active during times he would be home and not working. So, obviously, he is lying to me.
Finally, I told him he could either be honest with me or leave me alone so I could let go and move on. He said he would leave me alone.
I am in shock, as I never saw this coming. He spent this last weekend at my house with his kids. We text all day, I love yous and I miss yous. The texting slowed some, but that’s natural as a relationship progresses. I never saw this coming and I’m at a loss as to what to do.
He didnt even try to fight for me, he just let me go after 9 months. We talked about moving in together and our future. He talked about wanting to marry me. I guess it was all a lie.
Any advice would be appreciated.
May 16, 2018 at 11:23 am #702681
Screen shots…May 16, 2018 at 11:39 am #702683
I showed him screen shots….he says it’s a fake account.May 16, 2018 at 12:34 pm #702698
I am very sorry. Of course you are in shock and in a lot of pain.
But he is lying. He knows it too. Instead of admitting it like a man, he is lying more.
You don’t have a choice. You need to cut him off. This man is dishonest, and he was not committed to you.
It is a horrible blow to you, but do not make it worse by going in denial, dragging things, trying to “understand”. It would only hurt you more, in one way or another. Wasting time being suspicious, stressed, etc is the least damage you would incur in this situation. But potentially there is much more. Walk away immediately and shut the door behind you very firmly. Stay out of all communication with this man, delete and block him from everywhere so that you don’t see any updates on social media. The less you know the better it is for you. Prepare to stay out for a couple of years, as this is how long it might take you to get over this.May 16, 2018 at 12:41 pm #702700
I am so sorry. I was married to someone who lied like this and it is almost like he had lied to himself and believed that he didn’t do similar type of things when all evidence explicitly showed he had. Someone like this is a narcissist and it is so much better you found out now.
A girlfriend of mine was seeing someone about 9 months and learned that he had a wife who had had a baby when they were about 4 months into their relationship! She told the wife and then the man, true to his cowardly ways, killed himself. It really jacked my friend up for a long time. People like this man and your man like to create their own issues and then blame others for it all blowing up in their faces.
When someone lies to you they steal your reality. This whole time you didn’t know the type of man he was and that means your reality was not what you thought it was. That sucks.
*hugs*May 16, 2018 at 12:55 pm #702704
Unless someone is stealing his identity and creating a dating profile, he is BSing you. The only thing is if it connects via FB and loads in updated pics/info automatically?
BUT, bullet dodged. If he can’t stay faithful for 9 months, he can’t stay faithful for 9 years or a lifetime.May 16, 2018 at 1:24 pm #702708
@Persephone – OMG, the guy killed himself! What a horrible story…Things people do to nourisgh their vices..he just couldn’t stay faithful, even with the baby on its way..May 16, 2018 at 1:26 pm #702709
I agree this is a bad situation and this man is a liar. I can’t stand liars! Especially when you’ve caught them and they continue to deny it. Just stand up and be a man and admit what you did!! As others said you dodged a bullet, but the other good thing to come out of this is you can trust your gut instinct.
You had a feeling something was going on with him working out of state, barely seeing each other, him not sticking to plans when he was in town and being unresponsive. All that created your nagging feeling that turned out to be correct. Don’t let him gaslight you with some BS about it being fake and him not using it. Obviously if you can tell he has new pictures taken since you have been together he’s lying! You’re trying to tell me someone created a fake profile with his pictures but knew to update it for his new place of work?
You say you never saw this coming but I disagree. Once a man starts ignoring you, ditching plans you made and disappearing and being MIA at times you know he’s fading out. You’ve felt this for months It’s what led you to create your fake profile to start with.
At this point you have to ignore all the words he said about moving in together and marriage. You have to look at his actions. His actions show he was still actively looking for something or someone else while in a relationship with you. Just be glad you found out before you move in together or got married!! This is one of those cases where you telling him to leave you alone and going no contact is the best scenario!!May 16, 2018 at 1:38 pm #702716
Thank you all for the replies.
I guess, in a way, I always knew something was off. He’s always been a bit flaky, but I thought it was just part of his personality. I brushed it off because, for the most part, he was good to me.
It’s just so hard to think about him not being in my life anymore. It was only 9 months, but I really thought we were heading in the right direction. And now, I’m back to being single again, and I’m nearly 38.
And it’s not just him I’ll miss, I really enjoyed his kids and looked forward to seeing them.
The whole situation is just awful. I’m trying to go about my day as usual but I cant seem to stop crying for too long. I have to run to the bathroom at work to get all the tears out.
Why do people do things like this to other people? Why create a fake relationship? Why play with someone’s heart, especially knowing their history. My ex husband is an abusive alcoholic who put me through hell.
I guess I’m just an easy target? I just don’t know.May 16, 2018 at 2:26 pm #702725
I dread going home because the gift he ordered me for Mother’s Day was being delivered today.
I dont know what to do with it.May 16, 2018 at 4:08 pm #702744
Send it back.
Take care of you, I know it sucks, but activities, friends and focusing on you will help you move on. Time and distance are great healers.May 16, 2018 at 5:07 pm #702756
Hilariously, someone actually DID use photos of me to create a fake okcupid account (photos from my FB page). My BF’s best friend (who is a lesbian) came across “my” profile when we were first dating. haha. however it was obviously fake because I was supposedly a lesbian living in a different state, and I wanted to get together with like minded ladies to discuss “global warming”. I mean, it didn’t resemble me in the content.May 16, 2018 at 5:25 pm #702762
When people lie a lot they get good at it. The only protection is knowing family and friends of theirs. That is why it is important to get to know a person, their background, their values and morals, etc.
Any man or woman who will not introduce you to others that know them quite well is hiding something. Vet dates carefully. Get to know their history.
Do not fall for people who are not transparent. This is key.May 16, 2018 at 5:33 pm #702763
I can only imagine how you are hurting. Your whole life plans feel apart. It is a horrible thing. But you have no choice. If you do in denial and stay, he’d be cheating in you. You’d always be suspicious. I hope you can summon your strength and NOT do that to yourself.
Yes of course at 38 I is a horrible blow, but you still have time. if you stick around, you’d love more of your precious time and THEN would still leave. And in the meantime you’d be always suspicious, stressed, nervous, you wold not enjoy your life and your whole self esteem would get eroded, so that when you do leave eventually, you’d have a lot more work (which would require more time) to do.
You HAVE to cut your losses and run. Do not look back or you will get in more trouble. Stay strong, it is your future you are fighting for now.May 17, 2018 at 4:29 am #702826
Dating site user is normal, you found him from there and if you feel comfortable with him don’t too much thinking. you never found good relationship,because a good relationship made from you and him.
Or if you bored with this situation,you can find someone just to listen your problem or just for fun. I suggest to you visit girlstravelling(dot)com, this is a good site, you can find new friend in there.
I used this site and i found someone that changed my dating life.May 17, 2018 at 5:51 am #702827
Go Away troll. You keep changing your name from mee mee to Lolita and you can’t even write. We don’t care about girlstraveling.com which you are obviously using to get people to go over to your site.
We’re not traveling, we’re dating!May 17, 2018 at 8:21 am #702839
Thanks, Kathy. That fake advice had me wondering. Who would be ok with their SO looking on dating sites?
Anyways, I’m not doing too well. Part of me wishes he would realize what he’s lost and do a 180 and drop the dating site and commit to me. But, I know that will never happen.
It’s just still so hard to accept. Even with all the flaking, I never imagined it was all a lie.May 21, 2018 at 6:27 am #703501
I know how bad this feels. I was in a 23 year relationship and walked in unexpectedly one day to find my partnet ( he never married me) on a web cam chat site where you meet other strangers, like tinder but webcam. The shock of it and the lies nearly destroyed me.
He said he had stopped using it but I put a keylogger onto the home computer and sure enough everytime I was out and he had the house to himself he would be on it meeting people and mutual webcam sex. Before I put the keylogger we talked about it and my boundry was if he ever used it again we would be finished.
I stayed in that relationship for another 14 months we had two children. I watched him go back to the site again and again and I could see him talking to other women and how he talked to them, it was sickening.
I demaned he leave and he has been gone for 9 months now. Best decision ever!
Two points he described the site as addictive and I can see how it could be, just like dating sites like tinder they are based on dopermin highs. No excuse for you boyfriends behaviour but Im wondering about meeting men on dating sites. A lot of people, especially men have told me there is an addictive factor to them. I hear a lot of men find it hard to stop.
please dont waste anymore of your time with this man. My partner would tell me to my face that he wasnt using the site he was, his lying was so good there was no indicator that he wasnt telling the truth, I know this guy like the back of my hand but I had the screenshots. Makes me wonder how long he had been cheating on me for? But even staying with him for another 14 months was way too long.
There is no room for this kind of deception and gaslighting in a relationhip.May 21, 2018 at 9:11 am #703515
“It’s just still so hard to accept. Even with all the flaking, I never imagined it was all a lie.”
I don’t think it was all a lie. I think he gave you all he could and it is not enough for any woman.
Some people are just not capable of fully loving someone else…perhaps part way but not fully.
Understand you will not get carrot juice out of a turnip. You cannot get the love you want out of this man…but neither can anyone else. He is innately damaged.May 21, 2018 at 2:38 pm #703579
“you will not get carrot juice out of a turnip” – hahaha, brilliant!!
You want a normal genuine relationship but this person is never going to be able to give it to anyone, you or another woman, this is guaranteed.
I briefly “dated” a person a few years back, you can’t even call it dating, but his behaviour was so out of this world that I could predict he’d have trouble with women. Abd lo and behold, he’s had several years of “dating”, a dozen of “relationships” but he can’t keep a GF for more than 3 months.
It is not about you. It is about him, I understand that it hurts terribly, you feel betrayed. But understand that “betrayal” is the norm for him. You were unlucky to get him, that’s where the “bad part” is. Unlucky to get him, ignored reg flags. This is where you should focus on. Flakey guys are not just flakey, there will be MORE to the story.
Cut your losses, understand the turnip-carrot thing, and walk away without as much as looking back. Get angry at him and yourself, show him a finger metaphorically speaking, in your mind, and move on. LOL lots of love your way. He is a turnip remember? and will always be a turnip. But you wanted and still want a carrot. LOL