This topic contains 15 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Emma 3 months, 2 weeks ago.
January 9, 2018 at 9:19 pm #677881
I’ve been seeing this guy for a little over 2 months now. We used to be coworkers and friends for a few months before we hooked up. In the beginning everything was great, he was sweet and caring, within the first month of seeing each other we even took a weekend trip together and stayed at one of his friend’s house. I went back home for the Christmas holidays and we kept in touch everyday when we were apart… and we still do, but I feel we’re not talking as much, that it’s always me the one starting the conversation or that he is not that interested anymore. It could be because when we started seeing each other he was unemployed and had more time and now that he has started working again he is way busier, but I don’t know.
The thing is, me being suspicious of everything, I opened a Tinder profile and found him there. Now, we haven’t had any kind of talk that defines the terms of our “relationship”, so he is in his right to be on Tinder. Moreover, he’d just gotten out of a relationship when we started dating and before that (when we were coworkers) he said he felt like being single.
But since I saw his profile I’ve asked him to meet over a coffee because “I’d like to talk about a couple of things face to face”. I’m kind of forcing the dtr even if it’s not the right moment because at this point I’d like to know where this is going… I have the feeling it’s not going to end the way I’d like it to end, but I feel it’s necessary for me to have this conversation and move on with my life with or without him. I’m not saying I’m just a booty call for him or that he doesn’t care about me at all, but I have the sense he is not ready for anything serious, and while I wouldn’t be ready to call him my boyfriend either, I don’t know how I feel about him seeing other people since I haven’t been doing so.
The point is, he told me he’d tell me when he’s free to meet for that coffee because he’s busy this week. Knowing the kind of person he is, he’ll probably tell me he’s available the day before. Moreover, after I told him I want to meet to talk we kept talking about other stuff… I’d like him to tell me when he thinks it’s a good time to have that coffee because this is really I have on my mind these days and I’d like to be over with it, but I don’t want to be pushy or appear needy. Any advice?
January 9, 2018 at 10:48 pm #677887
T from NY
You’ve done what many women have done before you and what many will do after you. Starting hooking up and catching feelings for a man who already told you he wants to be single. You said it yourself — he just got out of a relationship a handful of months ago. Depending on how long and serious it was he may be in no shape to jump into another one.
If your heart is telling you you must do this — I will not try to stop you. And to be honest as much advice is dished up on this forum, with me being a regular disher, I still believe women should follow their hearts as long as they are persistently attempting to also, mostly, use their heads most of the time. Because it takes a lot to scare away a man who’s truly into you AND who wants a relationship with you.
I think you know in your heart that this man is just not in the same place as you. So please do not fret if he tells you that. It really will be about HIM and not about YOU or your worth or your loveliness. I applaud you for knowing what you want. I applaud you attempting to get your needs met.
Calm yourself though. Quiet your heart. You being anxious sure as heck won’t help the conversation go more smoothly. Hold your head high no matter what happens. Take what you can learn from this relationship and wish him well if he says goodbye. You will have honored you. And that’s the most important thing.January 10, 2018 at 3:25 pm #678060
The fact he is active on tinder isn’t a clue?January 10, 2018 at 3:49 pm #678067
Of course it’s the right time. You want to know if he’s ready to be exclusive with you, and if he’s not you’re ready to move on, so now is the time.
If what you’re saying is you don’t want either of you to see other people, then I don’t understand you also saying you wouldn’t be ready to call him your boyfriend. If two people are dating and not seeing other people, they are boyfriend and girlfriend. It doesn’t have to be “serious” in the sense of getting ready to get engaged, but not seeing other people is the essence of being boyfriend/girlfriend. I bring this up because you seem confused about what you want. There’s no point going into a conversation not knowing what you want to achieve by it.
You told him you wanted to get coffee and talk and he said he’d let you know when he’s free. Now wait!!! This is a DTR, what is the rush? Do not get pushy about rushing the coffee date because what’s the point of that?January 10, 2018 at 7:52 pm #678156
Be prepared to walk as others have said. You’re essentially breaking up with him. I dated a coworker I was crazy about for 3 months. I asked for exclusivity and he agreed…I never met one person in his life, not a friend or family member. He started to contact me less and I asked him to coffee and basically asked him if he wanted a relationship with me. He was very uncomfortable and said he needed to think about it but it was obvious I had to walk. Overall, if you have to ask you already have your answer. You will not feel insecure with a man that wants you.January 10, 2018 at 7:54 pm #678157
And just a footnote, many men will agree to be exclusive without you being his girlfriend. They have a timeline, you just won’t know what it is.January 10, 2018 at 8:19 pm #678163
@Charlotte, what is the difference between being exclusive and being a girlfriend?January 10, 2018 at 8:24 pm #678165
I think the term Girlfriend implies a greater degree of commitment. I’ve had this conversation with male friends. Every one seems to have their own definition. I feel like sometimes men (and women too) may have an exclusive FWB while keeping an eye out for an upgrade. Alternately, some people date exclusively to see where it goes but someone realizes they won’t be compatible long term.January 10, 2018 at 8:41 pm #678169
T from NY
For the most part I agree with Charlotte! A man who wants a woman in his life and no one else to have her because he thinks there’s a possibility of a joint future will usually communicate that firmly. They will make you their girlfriend. Whereas a man may not feel committed to you in their heart —but still agree to being exclusive because it’s easy, steady sex and lovely companionship. The men that usually agree to being exclusive with the convo being brought up by the woman are usually men who A) aren’t that into YOU. B) just aren’t the committing type in general. C) are just not particularly interested in pursuing a long term relationship at that time.
Whether it’s A,B or C — has nothing to do with the woman and can’t be helped. Again — good for you knowing what you want/need and going after it. That’s bossJanuary 10, 2018 at 8:52 pm #678171
I’m sure he has a gut feeling this is why you want to meet for coffee. A man will make it very clear what his intentions are with you, so it seems you already know the answer. you Don’t sound too confident about what you want. You say you aren’t sure you want him as a bf yet? Then why push the issue. My advice is that if you do have this talk you don’t act wish washy. Either you want to be with him as a gf or not. If you are ambiguous there is really no point in having the talk.January 10, 2018 at 9:18 pm #678172
Thanks Charlotte and T!
I think all the semantics about this nowadays is a sign of how it’s gone downhill as far as dating and how men and women relate to each other.
I personally take it all in one package or not at all. If a guy isn’t asking for me to both be exclusive AND be his girlfriend, I don’t have sex with him and I keep dating other guys. There is no “exclusive sexually but still seeing other people” or “exclusive sexually and not seeing other people, but not committed enough to use the terms girlfriend/boyfriend.” I just think that’s all a mind fXXk.
If we want to give it a go, we do the girlfriend/boyfriend thing and it’s totally exclusive, but it’s not a big deal, we still know we’re just seeing how we like each other, but we like each other enough to give it a shot and not see other people.
I think all the other stuff allows guys to sleep with lots of women/never get tied down, but is confusing as hell for women, in general.January 10, 2018 at 10:13 pm #678185
I agree with the ladies that if a man likes you and wants a future with you, they will make sure you know it. And that is all there really is to it. However, you also need to know for yourself if you want a future with this man. Really think objectively and without feelings this time. I’m afraid more often than not you realize that you’re only infatuated with them and that you’re really not that compatible. Regarding meeting for coffee and having talks. If he is not initiating this coffee date, you might as well drop the idea. If he is not calling you and setting up a date, consider it a breakup.January 10, 2018 at 11:38 pm #678206
Aida, being exclusive and not being a GF means this: I am not sleeping with someone else because you are good enough for me but I am still looking.
All these new age terms are disguised usery of women, for the most part. The new dating rituals benefit men much more than women.
I always laugh at “official titles”. And how hard women have to fight and wait for them. So the dude gets to decide to grant you this “title”. In return, as opposed to a marriage, all he is giving you is normal decent behaviour and old fashioned relationship. Nice eh?
But until he grants you this title, you cannot even assume he is not sleeping around, you can’t except any normal decency. What times!
One advantage of being older is not to have to deal with this. Young women these days, I can only imagine how hard it is.
How fast these idiotic “norms” infiltrated our lives..!January 10, 2018 at 11:47 pm #678211
I agree, Emma! I think this is why sites like this one are so popular. Women are totally confused. It’s natural to feel bad when a guy will sleep with you but not call you his girlfriend, still on the lookout for something better. Yet women accept this as normal and lose their self-respect this way, waiting for a title.January 11, 2018 at 6:16 am #678254
I agree in that women today are too passive and allowing men to have the upper hand because the supply of VG’s is so abundant! Its based on supply and demand…if they can easily get laid without having to be in a relationship why would a man want to tie himself down to just one? Men HAD TO marry (commit) if they wanted to have sex back in the day, plus being a ‘bachelor’ was frowned upon by society; however today a couple drinks and some sweet talk is all it takes and they can do this for life if they choose too without society giving a hoot.
Only when a man gets TIRED of the single scene that’s aging each decade (in the 30’s now as last census it was age 29 for men) and ready to settle down will he view dating and women differently. Until then your wasting your time latching onto these men if your looking for any type of REAL commitment (marriage).January 11, 2018 at 10:44 am #678289
Totally so, Lane!
The dating game is in favour of men, never before in the history of humankind, average men had so many options, opportunities and real sex that easily available for free, absolutely for free. In some cases they don’t even pay for a date. Heck they don’t even have to be polite!
It is very hard for young women in this situation. Men are shopping around cherry picking.
But women do have some power. First comes your acure awareness and understanding of what’s going on. This will help you not to feel defeated. And not allow anything low grade.
Expecting that you will be rejected by dozens of men and not asked out should be your norm. Expecting this will help you not to invest emotionally and not feel disappointed. Also being discerning yourself will help too. It might sound paradoxical, when competition is so tough, but it is exactly what you need to do. because this way you will not be wasting your time or emotions. Chances will be the same, but YOU. will feel differently. And this will help you when you finally meet the right guy.
Educating yourself about the new dating rules is a must, it is a very ritualistic game these days, there are RULES that both men and women are expected to know and follow. If you call a guy after a date he would immediately conclude you are desperate. WHY? because by now everyone knows that this is not what a woman should do, he expects you to know that.
Someone recommended a book here Have him at hello, I just read it. OMG I am glad I don’t have to date. One advantage of being older. haha LOL