This topic contains 18 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Trish 11 months ago.
July 17, 2017 at 12:18 pm #641823
First time writer here. I have read this site over the past couple of years while dealing with a devastating break up. Not a traditional relationship at all, but the strongest most real connection I’ve ever had with anyone. Is it possible to be connected spiritually, physically and emotionally and still not work?
The guy is a bit younger than me (I’m 52, he’s 39) and I guess that should be enough of a reason to let it go. But he is an old soul, and I think our souls were together before to be honest.
Thing is, as much as we love each other we are in such different places in life. My kids (I’m a widow,single mom) are almost grown and gone, and he is debating wanting children, as he never has before. He’s a dreamer – not a very stable guy – has some addiction issues (nothing serious, little pot/drinking). Guess I fell into that category of thinking he would change (I knew he wouldn’t) but I really, really saw us together. Mainly because I felt 100% myself around him.
Well – at this point the background doesn’t much matter. He’s not interested in anything with me anymore, not even a friendship. He doesn’t want to hurt me (so he says) blah blah blah. WHAT DO I DO TO GET HIM OUT OF MY HEART AND HEAD? HELP!
July 17, 2017 at 12:32 pm #641825
Focus on things that aren’t him.
We all love and lose at something. Sorry.July 17, 2017 at 12:33 pm #641826
How long has he been out of your life?July 17, 2017 at 12:40 pm #641827
Embarrassed to admit – but we broke up a year and a half ago. We still communicate here and there, the “I miss yous” and “It’s hard on me too” from him …
Had a little set back a couple of weeks ago where our paths crossed (OK I texted him…lol) and we ended up spending the night together. I left feeling empowered with a ONE AND DONE attitude and went back to my dating life, but no one compares to him. He always says we are doomed to find love elsewhere because we have set the bar too high, in terms of our feelings for each other. But, according to him, it’s not what he needs in his life, no matter how much he wants to go back to us because that’s when he was happy.
It’s just a matter of me having to let go. That’s what I need help with. We are not meant to be as we had thought. At least not now, until he realizes he will never find another me :) BUT I won’t find another him either :(July 17, 2017 at 1:02 pm #641828
So you demoted yourself to a casual booty call and thought you would feel empowered? The point I think you are missing is that this man is all words and no action. He says he loves you like no other and misses you. Yet could not come up with a way to overcome the issue of having children? There are ways to do this through surrogacy, etc. if he truly saw a life with you he would make it happen.
So while his words continue to give you hope, his actions are very clear.
That alone should be enough to get you to move on. It is going to get way harder once he finds the woman he wants to settle with and marry.
The way to move on is to move on. It means you stop communication. He doesn’t want to be a friend, so don’t give him the pleasure of talking to you. It just give some you false hope and him something to do when he isn’t dating another woman.
Life’s too short to pine over a man who made it clear he isn’t wanting or willing to make a life with you. To me that’s motivation enough to move on and meet a man who does. you hold yourself from true love because you have chose to romanticize a short term fling. If you admit it in the end, that’s what it was.July 17, 2017 at 1:42 pm #641847
@Sara “actions prove who someone IS, words just prove who they want to be” I need that tattooed on my forehead.
You’re right. It was a 2.5 year fling, a one night stand gone awry as I always say. We fell in love. That I will always believe.
After showing up at his place a couple weeks ago, it was clear to me that he had done no growing or self improvement or gotten any closer to finding a relationship that could produce children. As a matter of fact, his new goal is that he wants to sell everything and live on a boat! So, since the sex was always off the charts I figured what harm could one last night cause, one final goodbye. I forgot the emotional turmoil that comes along with it.
God has protected me in the past and I believe that’s what’s happening now. If he came back it wouldn’t last and then I would have to go thru all this again. My problem is learning to listen to my BRAIN rather than my screwed up heart.
Your advice will surely help, thanks Sara :)July 17, 2017 at 1:48 pm #641852
Yes absolutely you can love someone and be connected in many ways but not actually compatible with them. You 2 aren’t. If you were and you wanted the same thing, you’d be together.
You have to accept he doesn’t want to be with you for whatever reason.
You can text him, call him, have sex with him, but he doesn’t want to be with you. All you’re doing is hurting yourself. I’m sure he’ll happily spend a night and have sex with you, but he doesn’t want to be with you.
You know how love feels don’t you? If you love someone, you don’t want to hurt them. In fact, it hurts you to hurt them. I’d question how much this man loves you if he’s happy to use you for sex and then reject you. That isn’t love is it?
Start looking at actions, not words. I hate to sound cruel, but his actions say he’s taking advantage and you’re so infatuated you’ll accept any tiny crumbs he’ll give you.
You need to cut all contact or you’ll never get over him. You’re addicted to him….you can’t let go although you know the situation makes you unhappy. No other man compares because you don’t get the same mental fix.
Honestly, no contact at all for a year and you’ll wonder what you ever saw in him.July 17, 2017 at 1:54 pm #641856
@Hannah – I just blocked his number. He’s as guilty as me for reaching out and I don’t want to ever see him again. I bet it won’t take me a year to realize what you said. Deep down I know it. I just don’t want to accept it. I found someone I loved and tried to make it work, despite my head (and my friends, family and children) telling me it was all wrong.July 17, 2017 at 2:04 pm #641864
His own mother warned me, she told me he’d be a “sh*t for husband” and a horrible father for my girls. She said she did the same thing, waited on a man who wasn’t worth it, and she regretted it and didn’t want to see me do the same, said I had too much going for me. HIS OWN MOM. If I don’t listen to her there is no help for me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!July 17, 2017 at 2:49 pm #641876
My first love’s mother told me her boy was a loser and I was too good for him. If their mother says that, sit up and listen!
Good. I’m glad you’ve blocked him. If you have weak moments, come on here and we’ll remind you that you’re not losing anything. You’re gaining your self esteem, happiness and the chance of finding a loving relationship when he’s out of your system. Good luck and keep strong!July 17, 2017 at 4:33 pm #641891
13 years is not a bit younger, it is a lot younger. Especially if he wants kids.
I feel for you, I am in the same situation in a sense that I can’t stop loving a man, he is also younger, needs to start a family, etc etc. It’s been 2.5 years and my “progress” is miniscule. Herculean efforts on trying to get over him, colossal amount of pain and stress, with almost no results. If he contacts me, which he does periodically, my heart melts and I tremble literally. LOL I don’t know why he contacts me, I want to think he still has feelings for me, and everyone who knows my story tells me that he does, but I fear it can be my wishful thinking. Even though we don’t have sex I think it makes no difference when your feelings run that deep, just seeing this person or talking on the phone takes over your whole being. I heard some feelings never go away. You learn to live with them, like people live with chronic pain. I told myself at this point I am resorting to this: do not do anything I’d regret, it is not hard at this point as we go for months without seeing each other. I do not contact him myself. But months go by and yet he never leaves my heart, not for a minute, I am doing things and living my life but he is always in my heart. I miss him terribly.
Stop contacting him yourself, you are making it hard for him to move on. That’s why I am not contacting my guy. It is killing me that I can’t see him, can’t talk to him, but I want him to be happy. If you love him, you will be able to restrain yourself. Maybe he will realize how much he loves you and comes back to you, maybe it will never happen, but in any case, you shouldn’t be trying to hold him back. I dated two guys during this time, they were quite into me, but I ended it because I just don’t want to be with anyone else. When you know what it feels like to love someone, nothing else compares. Maybe one day he would leave my heart, but I pretty much gave up hope. My HB says that he’s never seen or heard of anything like that. So I don’t have good news for you, sorry, it can take years or it can stay forever, all you can do is try to learn how to live with it. We don’t chose love, it choses us. LOLJuly 17, 2017 at 6:04 pm #641911
You will meet somebody else. Take heart I’m older than you and I still have my looks plus the fake boobs help.!!!July 17, 2017 at 6:49 pm #641916
We can all love people we cannot live with.
This guy sounds a bit immature to me…wants to live on a boat, like Popeye.
I think you set your sights too low and are taking the easy way out. Of course this man accepts you as you are and does not challenge you…he does not challenge himself.
Like your family…take a step back and take a good hard look….you can do better.July 17, 2017 at 7:32 pm #641920
Emma.. Your HB? Are you married?July 17, 2017 at 10:50 pm #641972
Emma, your story breaks my heart, as I can so see that happening to me. Why didn’t it work for you two?
Red, besides wanting to live on a boat it doesn’t really mesh with the reason he said he had to leave me, because he wanted the opportunity to have a family. Can’t really imagine raising kids on a boat !!
Who knows if he will ever come back. Honestly I don’t think it would work even if he did. But I do know that I will always love him and we can only hope to someday find equal or greater, otherwise I will be alone forever … makes me wonder why I even had to meet himJuly 18, 2017 at 12:53 am #641978
” He’s a dreamer – not a very stable guy – has some addiction issues (nothing serious, little pot/drinking). ”
A small drinking drinking problem makes other problems a person has Pale in comparison to how bad a drinking problem is imo. Maybe that’s sth I am súper sensitive about as the daughter of an ex-alcoholic who had to take Care of her dad between 12 and 18 because he was a mess. But any substance use that could qualifying as ‘a problem’ is a deal-breaker for me.
Don’t put yourself in the position of spring on a man who can’t get his head on straight.
I would say, find yourself a great love song about making it together and then dedicated it to yourself. when I have a tough time, I put on Jai Ho by the Pussycat Dolls. It’s a love song for someone else but I’ve chosen it as my soundtrack for my own life. It reminds me that I really only have myself in the end and that’s okay, because I love and like myself and I’ll be happy anyway. Find yourself a good soundtrack and make it your own. So listening to that song alone Will already pump you up and make you happy and in for fighting for yourself, knowing you are all you need.
You can do this. Trust me, you can do this.July 18, 2017 at 12:50 pm #642087
Anne, I wish I had a boob job. It’s too late now …
Algo, I have built him up in my head so much he could shoot someone in the middle of 5th Avenue and I would still love him. I need to put my reality glasses on … like I wish half this country would do!!!!!
XOJuly 18, 2017 at 1:18 pm #642093
I believe we meet people who are completely wrong for us to learn something about ourselves. Sometimes pain is the ONLY lesson that wakes us up.
I think this was meant to get you to take an introspective look at who you are, who you want to be, and what really matters in life.
In short, a wakeup call. This pain can lead you to great growth and prepare you to be the woman you are meant to be, and to find the love you are meant to find. Take this opportunity to get real with yourself-this time can be used to work on issues you’ve needed to address, but buried, excused, or ignored.
Good luck, I hope you rediscover you, and seek the growth and healing you need.July 18, 2017 at 4:19 pm #642129
Philly – I am printing out your response and carrying it around in my pocket. THANK YOU. No harm can ever come from self-love and self-growth. I’m going to make this a priority for myself. <3