Finding that Balance

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This topic contains 5 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  T from NY 1 year, 5 months ago.

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  • #591728 Reply


    My boyfriend and I have been together about six weeks now. Things have been great. Except, I can get to feeling very anxious and insecure. He texts very often, almost too often (sometimes I feel I can’t get anything done) but if a few hours pass without a text I start wondering if he’s gone off me.

    This insecurity has led me to NEVER EVER reach out to him. After reading this forum and so many articles about how women should never initiate, I’m terrified that he will lose interest if I text him first. In fact, I almost feel that my last relationship went south the first time I initiated…things seemed to change.

    Here is the issue. HE says he would like me to text first more, that it bugs him that I don’t. One day he was at work and he was very busy and didn’t look at his phone until two in the afternoon and he said he was disappointed to see that I hadn’t reached out to ask him how his day was…he said that made HIM anxious and that I wasn’t that into him. Meanwhile I figured he was just really busy at work…he tells me that happens with his job…so I should leave him alone and he would text me if he wanted to speak to me.

    I don’t know how to strike that balance. And I know men often say they would like it if women did certain things and then when the women do them they get turned off so that is complicating my feelings on this topic. So how do I strike the perfect balance between texting enough that I show interest and not turning him off?

    #591733 Reply


    You are so right that so many men say they want women to step up, but when they do, the men lose interest. One of my closest male friends complains about this endlessly and tells me that I’m too passive with the men I date. However, he ends up stuck on the women who don’t give him the time of day, and is turned off by women who are more forward. Ha!

    I think since you’re established as being his girlfriend it’s okay to sometimes contact him first. Maybe send him a link that makes you think of him? Or just a quick text saying you hope he’s having a great day, but not asking much from him?

    #591734 Reply

    Omi G

    The texting rules are more for the “mindset” of neediness of texting. Not about actual texting.

    If your guy is a texter and that’s how he communicates, then it’s ok to text back and to be first because that’s his preferred way to communicate. If he’s your bf you both should want to learn how to have a healthy balance on how you both want to communicate; sounds as if he’s letting you know that he would appreciate that you text more often.

    It doesn’t sound to me that you are needy, yes I get anxious too when it comes to responding even now and it’s been a year lol. I have no reason to be but still i am, mostly when I’m on my period, we all get emotional.

    He may feel that he’s doing all the work, he’s probably used to texting. If you want this relationship to work, just practice texting a little at a time. You’ll have to let him know that you prefer to communicate in other forms outside of texting but you’ll text more. Sometime during the day ask how his day is because you really want to know, don’t hold it back just because the “rules” say to never text a man. My bf texts me during the day asking how my exercise class was or just hoping that i had a good nights rest. Some of his text dont’ warrant a response, he’s just letting me know that he’s thinkign of me, and I’ve learned to do the same. Nothing to excess and nothing too long either, who enjoys reading the novella text lol.

    #591738 Reply


    Think of how simple it is to type a text & hit send. Imagine someone asking you to text them & you’re like I cant!!! Lol it’s really not a big deal. I get what you’re saying but if a guy is truly into you, texting first sometimes could not possibly turn him off. That even just sounds silly. Showing interest in him should be seen as a good thing, not something offputting! Be confident in yourself. How could a lovely girl like yourself turn someone off by sending a message? Stop thinking like that, you’ll drive yourself crazy. Sometimes you could say hey how’s your day going :) or something interesting you thought of or are doing. Or a picture of something. Just keep it positive & fun

    #591743 Reply


    Why do women focus on texting and not the important things? How often does he see you and spend time together? What is it that you must text about that can’t wait until you are together?

    Why text at all? Why not set aside a few minutes to connect by phone on days you don’t see each other?

    The problem you are going to have is that as the newness wears off, the texting from him will decline. It’s not sustainable to be constantly texting. And if you are, apparently you don’t work or have a real life. I mean does he have to text to tell you what he ate for lunch? When he went to the bathroom? What could you possibly text about all day long?

    If you want a man to be with you, he won’t bond through texting. He binds by sharing time and experiences with you.

    I would focus on those things and not whether a text will make or break things. Why don’t you talk to him in person and discover how you like to keep in touch and updated on what’s going on? Rather than worrying about if you should text?

    The biggest problem I see with relationships on here is that people don’t know him w to communicate. Of all the ways to communicate, texting is the worst. You can’t hear a voice, you can’t determine mood/inflection/tone, brief responses get misinterpreted as curt or cold, when in reality it may be that the person is just busy or rushed… its fraught with issues. Yet everyone just keeps on focusing on texting.

    #591744 Reply

    T from NY

    I prefer getting a text or two during the day from my bf even though we’ve been dating a year and a half. He, on the other hand, would prefer to rarely text unless making plans because we talk by phone or in person everyday!

    To compromise on this we came up with a system of “pinging” One evening, months ago, we were having a heated conversation about how I would like to hear from him more often and I said — “can’t you just ping me once in a while?” (‘ping’ as in the sound a cell phone tower might make if he reached out) He laughed and said okay.

    Now a days we rarely have text coversations during the day — but he’ll just send the word PING to my phone to let me know he’s thinking of me. It makes me so happy and requires very little effort on his part (which makes him happy!)

    There will be posters on here that will tell you that constant contact shouldn’t be necessary — but everyone’s needs and comfort levels are different. Though it is unhealthy to be extreme with his communication expectations — your bf obviously would like to hear from you a little more.

    Sit and talk with him about your concerns that in the past reaching out to partners has not had the best outcome and that it seems you do not need to contact each other as much but you love hearing from him!! Ask him to help you find a balance that works for both of you. Talking, hearing each other’s needs and making strategies to meet them are what healthy relationships are all about!

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