Feeling “behind” in the relationship world


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  • #843719 Reply
    JaS5

    Hi everyone. I am a 28 year old female with no long-term/serious relationship experience. I have been on dates over the years, have had hookups, small “relationships” [a few weeks to at most 2 months], but that is it.

    I know there were times I was desperate or been with the wrong guys. Sometimes life got in the way, I was going through anlot or the guy just didn’t want a relationship.

    I have never been in a rush or had a deadline for when I should be married by. However, I feel a little ashamed and embarrassed that I have not had a legit boyfriend by my late 20s.

    I have suffered with a lot of anxiety over the years. Which I know also plays a big role- and same with things I went through growing up. I have gone to therapy on/off for years. And havent dated anyone in almost 2 years to take a step back and focus on myself.

    I just worry that even if I find the right or there is a potential for a solid relationship that someone would question why i have never had a serious boyfriend. It makes me even more apprehensive to get back in the dating world

    #843722 Reply
    Raven

    You’re way overthinking, Breathe…

    #843735 Reply
    T from NY

    I think the most important thing to remember is – even if you didn’t have the challenge of anxiety – you’re most formative dating years began with the advent of online dating. Dating apps have literally killed off a large percentage of men who would have otherwise been monogamous. Covid has actually changed this somewhat as men who are conscious about their health or practicing social distancing have been more apt to stop doing so much shopping around. (But barely bahaha)

    The thing is – we can’t tell from what you wrote if you’ve never had a boyfriend because you’re a complete stress case, or you’re single because your standards are too high, or if it’s just the VERY NORMAL case of – you’re just single – until you’re not!! See magazines and beauty products and movies peddle there is something wrong with anyone single too long. When sometimes it’s just the randomness of life! Everyone’s journey is their own and we don’t get to choose MANY of the events that happen. Sucks but it’s true.

    Right now it’s hard. The pandemic can make you feel so isolated. But spending too much energy on being hard on yourself, comparing your experience, etc isn’t gonna help you feel sexy or be as attractive. Of course it’s normal to have down days when not partnered, frustrated days, lonely days. But just seek peace, love, affection and try to feel GOOD as much as you possibly can. Do things that make you feel good about yourself. Be gentle with you when you’re pissed off or horny. Have good boundaries with men and don’t be afraid to cut them off if they’re aren’t being good to you. The very best way to achieve connection is just striving always to feel good. Men are drawn to what feels good. You’re not alone.

    When you’re feeling upset remember:
    Feelings are not final
    Feelings are not facts

    #843740 Reply
    Kim

    Hi Jas. I was exactly like you a few years ago. I’m 33 now. I didn’t really have a serious boyfriend until I was 28/29. Before that I had some short things that didn’t really go anywhere. I used to think I was behind in the relationship world to.

    You’re not behind. Everyone has their time for things. Focus on yourself and do things that you enjoy whether it be going to the gym, going for a walk, hang out with friends etc. It sounds cliche but you’ll meet someone when you least expect to. Don’t settle for anything less than what you’re looking for. If you’re looking for a long-term relationship don’t settle for a casual fling.

    #843934 Reply
    JnL

    I didn’t feel like I had a really serious relationship until I was 32. The 3 or 4 years before that I was feeling lonely, and I wasn’t engaging in hobbies that kept me happy. I was kind of falling apart and feeling sorry for myself.

    But then I had a turning point where I just wanted to feel better about myself. I made an effort to get myself into a routine, and find some hobbies (reading, and walking around my neighborhood) that I actually enjoyed. I can’t exactly describe what I went through, because I think this kind of process is very personal for each person. But I just convinced myself (REALLY for real convinced myself) “I’m great, I’m happy, and I’m okay with how things are”. Even though I still wanted a relationship, I still felt good about my life situation. I had this kind of confidence about myself that I didn’t have for years.

    And then someone came along, someone that I didn’t think I’d have a relationship with, but I just kept hanging out with in mutual friend groups. We grew closer, and our relationship “just happened”. It was easy, we were happy… and it’s been 10 years and we’re still together. (And still happy. I just asked to make sure! haha)

    I think that my self-care and finding ways to love myself is what put me into a position that getting into a meaningful worthwhile relationship. Even after doing that, it was a while before I met someone great… but that was okay.

    So don’t feel “behind”. Keep taking care of yourself. Keep addressing your anxiety. Convince yourself that you’re “worthy” because yes, you are. If you keep yourself together and keep loving life the way it is, then you’re going to be strong and ready when someone awesome comes along.

    #843967 Reply
    Anderson

    “someone would question why i have never had a serious boyfriend.”

    Question? Probably. Very common curiosity. But if you were implying it might be a dealbreaker, then that’s very unlikely. Plus 28 is still pretty young.

    We’re wired to make comparisons. And if we find out we’re behind than the “average” it shreds one’s self-esteem. But try to realize that everyone’s different and have their own pace, circumstances, preferences etc. Anyone mature will understand this and not judge

    Also people are often attracted to firsts. For all you know some guy would be flattered to be your first serious bf. So dont worry so much :-)

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