Ex not interested but won't leave me alone


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  • #350259 Reply
    JW

    I’m really struggling here. My ex and I broke up a year ago. We had broken up many times before but got back together again.

    Anyway, 2 months pass & I ask if we will ever get back together and he says no. So I ask him to just leave me alone to move on then. Two weeks later, he texts me about the most ridiculous thing ever. We start chatting. Come January I ask him again if we can just leave it, I’m feeling bad. He starts inviting my son to his place (our sons are friends) so I have to go pick him up. He knows when I see him I want to talk to him (so I go out of my way to avoid seeing him). We start chatting again.

    A year passes in June and I finally realise it’s not changing. So I once again email and really explain how he has moved on, I haven’t, I can’t do the “friends” thing he wants and to just leave me alone. So far, nothing back. He was lurking out the front of his house yesterday when he knew I’d walk past.

    Anyway, the thing that I don’t get it this. He has turned up places he knows I’ll be, he has repeatedly contacted me, he sets up playdates so he’ll see me, he wants to have things of mine, yet he doesn’t want me. What’s with that? I’ve had exes I’ve kinda lost interest in, but I’ve not stalked them & pushed their boundaries. I don’t know what he was doing. I don’t know if he’ll be back (I was pretty clear this time). It’s so hard to move on when he’s always deliberately in my face.

    #350265 Reply
    Harley

    I think.. some guys don’t want to put the effort into a girl.. for what ever reasons “it’s too hard” but at the same time they really like this girl and “don’t want to let her go”. this guy sounds like that.

    However.. this is not fair to either party.. it keeps them stuck in limbo.

    I was.. like you.. until I cut ALL contact and told him get lost. Now.. I am picking up the pieces. unfortunately IF you want to get out of limbo.. you have to cut ALL contact.. stop your kids hanging out or have someone else drop your kid off.. not you !

    WHEN people break up .. there is fallout.. friends stop talking, take sides.. kids no longer are friends ! families fall apart. It happens.

    #350268 Reply
    JW

    Thanks :) It’s been very confusing.

    How long have you been NC? Has he tried to come back?

    #350269 Reply
    Harley

    He is USA… me in Euope. we were engaged yrs ago. I got in touch Nov 2013.. he talked all the time..we both said we still have feelings for each other. HE ” ghosted ” in Feb 2014. I did ” no contact” for 7 weeks. he came back April 2014 “ghosted ” again, came back May 18th.. I told him a LOT of home truths about his behaviour and to feck off..his answer was to say ” bye” and block me on FB. i had told him I wanted a relaionship… but he has made it quite clear the doesn’t.

    I am hoping he will come back and talk.. perhaps we can be friedns.. someday.. but I am NOT waiting or even really expecting…. he needs to sort himself out first. I may hear form him Xmas… if he misses me in his life again enough.

    If not.. I will survive.. I am beter off. Never settle for LESS !

    #350278 Reply
    Talllady

    I doubt he is purposefully trying to keep you around. He is just living his life. But I believe you need to cut contact, and if you have to see him for the kids, just do not interact. Drop him off from the car, etc…

    #350304 Reply
    zipacna

    Sorry for being dim here…what does ‘Ghosted” mean? Not a term I am familiar with.

    Not sure what to make of the the OP situation. It could be a number of things. It could be as Talllady says in that he is just living his life. It could be that he is the type of guy that doesn’t want to be committed to you but doesn’t want anyone else to be with you either so constantly drip feeds his presence into your life.

    Focus on what ‘you’ want rather than trying to interpret what his actions mean. I’m thinking if I were in your situation I’d probably cut contact completely for at least 6 months…and have done this in the past myself…and then if contact is re-established it might be easier to be just friends at that stage (rather than ‘friend but I still have feelings for you’ stage which is hard).

    #350324 Reply
    Lane

    When I left my ex husband he started doing this to me which is when I KNEW I had to move across the other side of the country to keep him from sucking me in—its all about CONTROL! Even being across the country he continually tried to maintain control over me as he got some weird satisfaction from doing so. He would try to sabotage EVERY SINGLE court ordered visitation I had with my younger son, kept me out of the loop even when he was legally directed to do so, and by repeatedly doing it was his way of maintaining control.

    I had to go complete NC and would not engage in any emails, texts, calls or other antics he continually pulled to try to manipulate or make my life miserable by using our YOUNGEST SON as his pawn! Thankfully, my oldest (in college at the time) set strict boundaries with him and told him to stop when he tried to use him to get to me. Eventually my ex came to the realization after about three 3 years that acting like an A-hole wasn’t getting him anywhere, so then he starts to be super nice. BUT I knew it wasn’t because he all of a sudden had an epiphany, but because my youngest was now an adult, out of his home/grasp, and started to SEE the situation with a renewed perspective—actually APOLOGIZED for blaming me for many things that his father told him when he found out they were ALL LIES.

    It was a very long hard road, but by cutting contact to the bare minimum and not engaging him at all; plus taking the time to GRIEVE the end of the marriage, FIX my own co-dependency issues, and rebuilding my own active, fulfilling happy life was the best move I made! Do not focus on him, FOCUS ON YOU—this is the only way to move forward :-)

    #350327 Reply
    Harley

    “ghosted” is when he just disappeared out of my life.. poof.. , houdini.. no contact, no explanation,just stopped talking, then just reappears and picks up where he left off.

    #350330 Reply
    Raven

    JW, You gave to be strong & cut the ties.

    #350333 Reply
    JW

    It’s definitely on purpose. He gets info on where I’ll be & then shows up. I was taking my dog to the beach every Sunday, he started doing so, I played tennis on Saturdsy, he started to do so. I told him I’d be playing tennis Wednesdsy, he was there. He lurks in his front garden when I’m walking past (that’s how I know he’s getting ready to Hoover), he invited my son down, when I organise for my son to come home alone, turns it into a sleepover so I have to go there with clothes. There are so many examples of him doing this. He treats me like crap, I cut him off, he blows super hot, I get sucked in…rinse, repeat.

    He knows I want to get back, and every time he returns I get my hopes up. I then get upset, we stop speaking, a few weeks later he sees me (randomly of deliberately), that triggers him & he gets in touch. He knows that raises my hopes but he keeps doing it.

    He then gives me random reinforcement. For example he went overseas & emailed me (I was really happy, I didn’t expect to hear from him), then returned & ignored me.

    #350334 Reply
    Harley

    OH DARLING… POOR YOU ! I sympathise.. but he’s keeping you on a string here.. mine did the same .. until I called him out on it. you deserve a guy who WILL man up . You REALLY need to go ” no contact ” and stick to it. … Something has to change… either he WILL man up (I doubt it) or YOU WILL get over him and find someone better.

    For your own sanity.. ignore him. I miss my guy like crazy but i won’t be strung along.

    #350335 Reply
    Harley

    This guy seems to call all the shots. You need to take control back. Does he manipulate you out of curiousity ??? Is your relationship normally good or does he “put the blame on you ” for how things unravel .

    #350336 Reply
    Harley

    It’s not good that you’ve broken up many times.. How old are you both btw ???

    #350349 Reply
    JW

    It’s so very hard, he’s treated me atrociously. He has called me names, blown hot and cold, put me down, been so incredibly unpredictable, stalked me, and the worse he treats me, the more I want him. I am so ashamed of myself. I don’t know how or why he has such a hold over me. I would never let anybody else treat me so badly. It’s as if the more unworthy he makes me feel, the lower my self esteem, the more dependent I become.

    I try so hard to walk away, and he just busts my boundaries and comes back with less.

    We are not young, which is even worse.

    #350354 Reply
    Lane

    JW, I’m sorry but the only one who has the power to change it is YOU. I worked with a lady who was going through the same cycle of crap you are and literally became the black cloud of the office that no one wanted to be around because she was a sympathy junky.

    The stark difference between her/you and I is that I stood firm and took back my power! I did it by making changes in my life that empowered me to become that fun, self-confident, independent woman again!

    YOU need to stop this dysfunctional obsession with your ex. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start the hard work on rebuilding a happy fulfilling life on your own. I suggest counseling if you have access to one to deal with your co-dependency issues, and buying empowerment books to rebuild your self-esteem and self-worth that’s not reliant on a psychopath. You can do it if you really want to.

    #350371 Reply
    Romy

    ”The only way to avoid abusive relationships for women who was abused as a child is to avoid people she is extremely attracted to.” Ayala Malach Pines

    I dont know if this correspond with you completely, but the attraction you feel is toxic for you
    You can change your life, you can do it.
    You re bigger than your body, give yourself credit for.!

    Make him history !

    #350400 Reply
    Harley

    Ha ! I just KNEW your reply was going to be what I thought. bummer !

    get rid of this asshole pronto. He’s bad, bad, bad news Will NEVER change.

    Book in for counselling.

    I am worried.. how is he around his kid and yours ??? How old are the kids ??? I WOULD NOT want someone like this around my kid.. I would seriously worry in time , if not already , he would treat your kid like he does you .

    #350622 Reply
    JW

    He’s okay with my kids, it’s just me he treats like shit. He saw my daughter walking alone yesterday and gave her a ride (which is fine with me).

    I just really don’t understand his behavior, it’s very confusing. I’ve not heard from him in 1.5 weeks though so I am assuming this time he’s actually listened to me.

    Thanks for your time.

    #361981 Reply
    Leash

    My ex is doing the same thing to me. I broke up with him because he would not stop making comments about how my boobs and body weren’t good enough. Pointing out other legs and boobs, telling me to eat more so I’d look like this or that. After he tore me apart physically he started on what I was inside, the way I talked, the way I’d act and look but what he didn’t realize and I tried to explain was I couldn’t help but feel down after hearing how I wasn’t good enough. I of course like an abused puppy ran back and the comments and put downs came again, I left again. Went back for more, by then he didn’t want me bc there was so much drama. He wanted to be my friend, but be available to go on other dates. I was not comfortable with that so I asked him to leave me alone, he got very upset and refused. Almost a year has passed and after me saying leave me alone and him pulling me back in by saying I need to deal with it or I’m being immature. I also go back because I do want to be with him and hope he would see that I was there this whole time letting him treat me like garbage. However, he will never see any of that because he doesn’t even think that he did any wrong when he was tearing me apart, he said that’s who he is and he can’t change. So I have asked and begged for him to leave me alone and for almost a year of this and now oncoming panic attacks, I can no longer physically or emotionally take this “friends” role. I blocked his number, but he will call on other numbers or my job where I can not block his number. He doesn’t understand I can not be just his friend right now. I have nothing left inside me and I am no longer the fun happy person I once was. I want him back more than anything, but I know he will never stop degrading me and he wi never respect me. I pray for him to realize that it’s his own self image that causes his degrading behavior toward other people and he will never be satisfied with any woman bc he isn’t with himself. I just don’t know what to do anymore, he won’t let me go but he doesn’t want me.

    #472952 Reply
    Kel

    Hi I’ll keep it short my x girlfriend won’t leave me alone and it was a messy break in the end we stayed in touch as friends till I realised what she was up too as I’m now a physical and wreck and trying to get on with my life which is hard I made the deccisssion too block her as it was the Wright thing too do at the time the rings on another number which brings everything back she says she loves me as a freind but know I suffer from depression and been at the point of su dice be coz of this I don’t get why she won’t leave me alone two weeks ago she knew I wud do anything too have her but I just want my life back so why does she find the needed too be into his still when she knows how fragile I am help pleas any one kelvin

    #472969 Reply
    m

    Ugh. My ex was like that. He didn\t want a committed relationship but he did want my friendship and companionship and he was too selfish to give me time and space to get over the romantic feelings. It took many, many years of my own personal unhappiness to finally realize that I didn’t want him and get sick of him. We are still friends but if I could go back and tell my younger self something, it would be to cut all ties. It is unfair and shows he really only cares about his own needs, not yours. You are the object of his attention because he likes what he gets from you (attention, etc) but he is really not interested in offering what you need.

    LAME.

    #472993 Reply
    Maria

    @JW, my ex was abusive too and I too want him back desperately, BUT this stays my want. In practice, I cut all contact, avoid places where I might bump into him, etc. etc. To give him credit, he is not trying to pull me back in, he only called once during the last 2 months, after our last and what seems to be the final breakup. Did not leave a voice mail. He did not verbally abuse me in terms of criticizing my body or anything like that but putting me in a very degrading situation and being awfully hostile to me for no reason. During intimacy too – and yet he was the one to initiate it. Always made it look like he is gifting me with his presence whereas wanting to talk about “us” for hours on end, and I didn’t really. Anyway, emotional and verbal abuse comes in different shapes and forms but we always recognize it.

    You need to man up and get out of this. Prepare for it, arrange so that your children don’t go to the same events as his, delete and block him, and do not allow him to manipulate you. Ideally, if you can have a GF stay with you for the next 3-4 weeks, it would help greatly.

    Man…what we women are willing to put up with..? And why, just why do we still love those who insult us? I know that with time, when love exits, I’d be terrified to think I allowed this type of thing to be done to me, but in the meantime, I still love him and I do want him back too, despite everything.

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