Don't want casual sex? Then don't have sex without commitment


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  • #464745 Reply
    Girlwhoknows

    Ladies, we all know how much it sucks to be used for sex. Most of us don’t want to be pumped and dumped. And none of us enjoys the soul crushing wondering of where we’re standing in a relationship.

    The solution is simple. Unfortunately, it’s not easy in our culture that glorifies casual sex. Still, it’s simple – don’t have sex without commitment. Notice I’m not saying this is a way to make a guy commit. This is not about him. This is about you. Plus, you don’t need to have sex as soon as you get commitment. And you don’t need to accept commitment if you don’t want to or you’re not ready yet. And some guys will fake commitment.

    The most important thing is to judge a guy’s character before trusting him with your body or your heart. It’s not safe to date or marry a selfish guy. A guy with a bad moral character cannot be trusted for even a one night stand. Have you heard stories of guys lying about using a condom or pulling out? Or about respecting you? You wouldn’t let a stranger in your house, why let him in your body? No method of contraception is 100% effective. With your committed boyfriend or husband you can take this risk. He will be with you if you have a baby or have to go through abortion. Do you really want to put yourself through this alone just so you can hook up with this guy? Of course, if that’s your choice, go ahead. But women don’t orgasm much in hookups anyway, so what’s the point really?

    You can’t really know someone’s character quickly especially if you’re young and inexperienced and he knows how to play women. With age and experience you might learn to quickly spot selfish and insincere people but you may still be mistaken. Sex on the first date will not doom you. It’s just quite a risky thing to do. Waiting to have sex can be very rewarding. Again, this is not about keeping the guy. It’s about you. Your desires and needs matter. You don’t need to spend your time wondering how t keep a guy and enjoying the moment. You can do better than instant gratification. You can just stick up for what you want and not accept a guy who doesn’t want a commitment or doesn’t know yet.

    The question is not when to sleep with a guy. The real question is whether to sleep with him at all. Why would you first have sex before you know you want to be with him? Of course, if you don’t want to have your emotional needs met, you can settle for casual sex. Your choice.

    And do you know what? You don’t need to wait for the guy to decide. If you want commitment, you can say so. He can accept or not. Don’t pressure him. And don’t give into his pressure. If you want to have sex, say so. Again, don’t pressure him. Why give the men all the power? You can make your own choices and you can ask for what you want. I know many couples where the woman made the first step. Now they’re very happy. That’s real life.

    #464748 Reply
    Miss indpendent

    So true,

    #464750 Reply
    Rose

    And then some of us are not ready for commitment and enjoy having sex. Yes with a respectful man that’s not a selfish douchebag but still.

    Not all women want to marry and live happily ever after. Some of us enjoy the having options like men do.

    The most important thing is to keep your both feet on the ground and know that even if a guy is saying he will comit that doesn’t guarantee that it will last.

    #464757 Reply
    Amy S

    Hi. I think its a process of getting to know someone and having sex is part of the process. What i mean is I dont think you can ask for commitment before sex because what if you do then have sex and realise you are a terrible match in that department. Ie hes terrible in bed but you have already demanded commitment from the guy so where does that leave you. I think guys get a bad rap on this site for wanting sex but i see it differently i see it that of course they want sex and thats because they are attracted to you and its a natural instinct and its a 2 way thing women, dont give in and let the guy have sex with them they should equally want and enjoy the sex too. I think passion and sex are incrdibly important in a relationship but as you get older it becomes much more enjoyable. x

    #464778 Reply
    SthrnBelle

    You do not have to have sex at all or talk about it to know what it will be like. What about making out all night? Where has the romance gone? You can still do everything else, kiss, etc. without actually having sex. BTW, nothing will drive a man more crazy than this and you can bet that he will be after you if you allow many things but intercourse itself. Chemistry is something that you just know is there or not before sex. I do not even have to kiss the person to know. But you will definitely know once you have kissed. Everything else, well I guess there could be a small amount of risk involved but honestly I disagree. I have never felt incredible chemistry with a person and then had bad sex. Incredible chemistry leads to us really wanting sex with the person, opening up, all these “love” hormones coming lose. Ok, now there will be those that may start talking about size and so on, quite honestly a man with half the size of another can be way better in bed if he knows what to do with what he has. Some may disagree but that has been my experience.

    Very nice thread and I do agree that it has been the norm in history to request commitment before sex. In certain cultures it is still the norm. I do not believe in prearranged marriage but I do think that most of us feel used and taken advantage of when we have sex too early before any commitment.

    Of course this is just my take on the subject.

    #464783 Reply
    Sophie

    Girlwhoknows I salute you for being brave to post about this topic as this kind of thing could cause massive disagreements. But I am 100% with you and I feel like printing this page!!

    #464785 Reply
    emma

    What’s right for one person is not right for all… that goes for pretty much everything, and of course for this (not having sex without commitment) too.

    For me personally, it’s not right. Probably because I don’t consider sex a big deal. Don’t get me wrong, I love sex, but I live by the “rule” if it’s meant to be it’s meant to be… which basically means that if sex early turns into an amazing life long relationship – fine, and if it doesn’t – also fine.

    I do care, I just don’t believe (and it is not my experience) that you have a higher chance of ending up in a committed relationship because you wait with sex.

    #464791 Reply
    SthrnBelle

    Girlwhoknows of course I did not mean to start out by making out. Obviously if you are in it for the long run and you want a serious relationships then you want to get to know the person first before even getting to this point. I meant that it is something you can of course do. Yes, it does take a lot of self control too.

    I did not mean that arranged marriages are a bad idea, I have actually heard the opposite but to me culturally it is of course a bit strange.

    #464793 Reply
    Ashley

    ” I don’t think women should be looking for ways to make men commit. They should be evaluating whether to commit to this guy at all ” EXACTLY! :) we should not make everything about if the man wants us & instead wonder why should WE want him & when it’s flipped we are way less prone to wanting to be with a guy who is probably not right for us to begin with. women need to go back to choosing instead of the other way around & I think we would come from a much better place mentally :)

    #464798 Reply
    emma

    STDs!? Jeez, just because I have sex early it doesn’t mean that I don’t use protection.

    Re making better choices and not feeling disappointed and heart broken – sex does not cloud my judgement… and my heart doesn’t break easily.

    And, if I end up in a relationship, it DOES mean that the guy is good for me, cause I would never in a million years be or stay with a guy who treats me bad.

    #464802 Reply
    Maria

    “The most important thing is to judge a guy’s character before trusting him with your body or your heart. It’s not safe to date or marry a selfish guy. A guy with a bad moral character cannot be trusted for even a one night stand…” – THIS IS SO TRUE. Mothers should teach this to their daughters since they are 11 years old.

    I am among those women who truly enjoy sex only when there is an emotional connection, otherwise it is just a little bit more than a good massage to me. lol. Given all the potential implications of “casual” hookups, I’d rather have this massage some other way. Apart from accidental pregnancies, STDs, there are also hidden viruses that can be contracted through oral sex, fungi, bacteria, etc. These organisms nest in your body and over the years cause a lot of damage. The more exposure you have to various people the higher your chances of developing something as a result of those viruses/fungi/bacteria. Even some cancers can be contracted through sweat and bodily fluids with often-enough exposures.

    The risk of emotional damage in casual hookups is extremely high too. You never know when you fall in love, you think you won’t but it can happen without your control. And this is where you can get hurt so badly it can take months and months to fully recover. Some men purposefully trap you emotionally so that they can later use you for sex or emotional validation. I won’t call myself inexperienced, I usually spot fake people and yet it happened to me, where the guy literally tried to turn me into his bootycall after the very first intimate encounter, whereas I went to bed with him because I thought we fell head over heels for each other (I did for sure, he – much less so) and in the end it was an awfully painful experience that dragged for months (I broke up with him but later took him back when he asked, but without negotiating the new terms, and without discussing what kind of a relationship we are going to have). Yes, I saw some red flags early on and overlooked them, but they were not that terrible, there was no way I could have predicted just how nasty things would turn out, and how quickly too. What I could have, and should have done was wait longer before letting him close to my heart and to my body (we were seeing each other for a couple of months before that but not as a couple, as social friends) and get to know the person better. What I also could have done is end things immediately and completely after the booty calling first surfaced or at least negotiate my terms before taking him back. But I was already in love with him. I also naively did not expect him to want to hurt me purposefully, why would a man want to cause harm to a woman who loves him right? but some men do and they enjoy it too. “It’s not safe to date or marry a selfish guy” – this is something you fully understand only after you’ve experienced it the hard way.

    We definitely should shift the focus from “making the guy commit” to deciding whether WE want this particular relationship or not, whether this person’s character is worthy of our commitment, short or long term. For this purpose waiting before having sex is very important.

    So I fully agree with you, casual sex and all those “hookups” can be very damaging. Most of the threats here would not have existed had the woman taken more time to evaluate the man’s character before opening up to him emotionally and physically.

    #464819 Reply
    Jessica

    OMG…Girlwhoknows…I TOTALLY agree with you. I don’t always agree with you on the porn stuff, but on this one – I am in complete agreement! Firstly, I am a germaphobe and will NOT want anyone touching me who I think could possibly transfer something to me. And you have a good point about STDs – protection doesn’t always protect you – and there are other STDs that can be transmitted orally (herpes, HPV). Michael Douglass is a perfect example – he got throat cancer presumably from contracting HPV through oral sex. I also cannot enjoy sex without love – I just can’t do it.

    I also have always been very upfront to anyone that I’ve dated that I was looking for true love. There are plenty of guys out there who are looking for the same thing. Ladies, do not be afraid to say this upfront, you will not scare the men away!! If they are scared, then they are still a boy and you don’t want them anyway!

    I also think this advice is so needed. There is thread after thread on here about how someone slept with a guy on the third/fourth/fifth date and now he disappeared….what to do? Don’t sleep with him in the first place and you won’t get your heart broken! Be choosy – make sure a guy is worthy and wants the same thing as you before you step foot in a bedroom. The number one rule for women should be that you don’t open your legs until a guy opens his heart!!

    Of course, this thread is for those looking for a commitment and I understand not everyone is. I don’t understand FWBs, but I see that this is okay for some.

    #464824 Reply
    emma

    I too only enjoy sex when there’s a strong connection, Maria.

    Having sex early in a relationship doesn’t necessarily equal hooking up with lots of guys all the time. I only have sex when I meet someone I really fancy… and that happens very rarely.

    #464837 Reply
    Rose

    I hope you all find the commitment you want and fast.

    I would like to have that some day if I find someone that’s worth my time and effort, one person who I feel 100% comfortable and who makes me think I don’t want to be with anyone else, meanwhile I will have sex with no attachment because Ifeel like It and I don’t want to one day look back and find out I didn’t enjoy sex because I was keeping myself for the right guy who could or could not arrive.

    Some guys are great for relationships and some are great for sex.

    Some people can be celibate with no effort whatsoever and some have different needs and that’s OK. No need to judge the casual sexers or the abstinents.

    #464845 Reply
    SthrnBelle

    Great thread! I agree with so many of you here.

    Ashley you said it very well; one of the problems is that women make an ego question out of it and will sleep with just whoever wants to sleep with them without getting to know whether they would like to be with that person. Of course after sex there is some bonding and also our egos start playing with us. We may not even consider that person to be right for us under normal circumstances but now that we have slept with him, he should not ghost. So many women cry after men who are not worthy or at least not right for them.

    I am also germaphobic and hate people touching me, I cringe usually and step back, hate it very much. I am like hands off to all guys I want nothing on a romantic basis with. I also find it really difficult to step over boundaries and become physical. Unfortunately with a person you happen to have amazing chemistry with this will feel natural but just because you have awesome chemistry does not mean this person will be a good match for you. This is why it is at least as important to get to know the person especially when sleeping around with just about anyone is the norm.

    I simply do not enjoy sex without feelings involved. I open up fully as I open up emotionally. Hence, it is a good thing if I take longer to open up emotionally, still there is such pressure from out culture and from many guys to get physical that it has become hard for women to say no, which I guess we should relearn. It is considered way too old fashioned to say no for months but maybe we are to set new norms. I guess a lot of guys will not be happy.:)))

    #464854 Reply
    Amy S

    This thread has very judgmental connotations to me. Most people that have been on here complaining about getting dumped after a few dates have been played and they did not sign up for casual sex it was just they were manipulated into it. Most girls are not having or wish to have casual sex. And if they are thats well and good and up to them. Waiting for sex does not guarantee a better relationship, a guy that will stick around for the duration or that you wont get a sexually transmitted disease or escape from germs. I think throat cancer could be caused also by several years of heavy smoking. What happened to just lightening up, having fun with dating and going with the flow, its like everyone is so heavy these days with issues and fears. Does no one just relax and enjoy life anymore ? ?

    #464855 Reply
    tutu

    You all have good points about not have sex without commitments. But here is my scenario.

    You meet someone. You like him, he likes you. While getting to know you, there will be some heating movements of making out, he wants to go for it. You stop him. You may or may not mention you won’t have sex unless you’re in a commitment relationship. So he respects your wish and waits. After 3 months (according to you men usually know and want to make commitment around that time), he makes a commitment with you. You’re so happy (in heaven happy), you decide to have sex with him. Turns out, having sex with you not as great as he thought it should be. So he dumps you. What do you do then? You follow all the rules, still you get dumped.

    In my culture, having sex before marriage is not moral for women. Many women wait until they get married to have sex and yet their husbands still cheat on them. Why because they don’t know what to do in bed. They can’t pleasure their men so their men have to go find someone else to make them satisfied.

    So IMHO, it’s not really about sex. It should be about what you can do to get over it after being dumped.

    #464896 Reply
    Lane

    I agree with Amy.

    Sex is NOT the issue, its this warped belief that it will “catch a guy.” Sorry but men don’t fall in love through their penis, they actually have a BRAIN, hormones and chemistry that determines whether they will fall in love with a particular woman or not.

    Two of my “one-night-stands” turned into marriage proposals (married the last one) and it wasn’t because of “THE SEX” it was because these men felt a strong emotional connection, fell in love, became attached and wanted to create a family with me.

    Its very OBVIOUS when a man is falling in love—they literally can’t contain themselves and want to be around you A LOT. If they aren’t doing this then its not worth the energy to consider them as a potential suitor IMO. It takes me awhile to trust a man because the first few months is a dog and pony show…its when they get more comfortable with you is when their true selves start coming through and if there are serious cracks or fissures (aka red flags) then I bail out…no differently than a guy will bail on a woman.

    If you want a relationship (altar type) then you need to screen the candidates in the very beginning. Ask a man on the FIRST date where he’s at in life—What are his goals; what he thinks about marriage; having a family, etc. If a man doesn’t even have that on his radar (life plan) then he’s most likely just “killing time” and would make a bad BF.

    #464953 Reply
    emma

    I didn’t defend myself. And of course I can sleep with as many or few guys as I wish. She seemed to think that having sex early automatically means having sex with a lot of guys… and I EXPLAINED that that is NOT necessarily the case.

    #464976 Reply
    redcurleysue

    I think this point is well taken in the sense that many women equate sex with love and that does not hold true for many men.

    If you can separate sex and love then mentally you will be fine…but many women cannot do this. If you are one of these women then do not have sex until you honestly know the man loves you in his heart and tells you so with his words. When you are truly loved you will know it down to your toes since there will not be any questions in your mind or heart…he will make sure you have no questions and be completely transparent in every way.

    Love is pure and unmistakable. You know it when you see it and feel it coming from someone.

    #464987 Reply
    emma

    Guys fall in love because of attraction, connection and compatibility, not because of sex. And attraction/connection/compatibility is what makes them wanna commit, not sex (or the hope of getting sex)…

    …and “don’t have sex without commitment” is therefore pointless, at least when it comes to whether a guy will fall for and commit to a girl or not.

    #464990 Reply
    Chey

    I agree with your post but find..

    “And do you know what? You don’t need to wait for the guy to decide. If you want commitment, you can say so. He can accept or not. ”

    going against what most advise on this forum say. You are not supposed to bring this up according to most women on this site, you should let the guy take the lead, let him as for commitment.

    #464991 Reply
    SthrnBelle

    Really great posts Tutu, Lane and RCS too. Of course holding off on sex does not guarantee you anything but it will increase our chances because for one we can get to know the guy better and two players will generally not want to bother with someone they have To wait around for just fit sex, then there is much easier game to be had out there. Now of course big-time players may find the hunt even more exciting and after a few months of infatuation once they had you the relationship will go down in flames. There is never a guarantee for how a relationship will pan out in the long run anyhow as there will obviously be lows and battles to fight. But holding off on sex will still weed out a large percentage of to be ghosts that we read so much about here. I really do not think experience is an issue in our culture nor do I think that great sex necessarily equates experience. It requires chemistry, education and open mind and ability to feel free first and foremost. Yes, one night stands can turn into marriages it is just that the chances if that happening are very very low. I think OP also meant to address the problems we see here all the time about ghosting and emotionally unavailable men. Really interesting thread and contributions.

    #464994 Reply
    Mimi

    For me personally, I can’t wait to long to have sex with a guy, then the sexual chemistry goes away, and I see them more as friends. I like to have sex with people early on.

    My Ex for almost 4 years, we had a ONS, and we started as sexfriends, but eventually we were spending so much time together that everybody thought we were bf/gf and then we decided we should make it “official”, and commit. It was a pretty natural process, and I loved him with my whole heart. Later I met a guy who I had sex with on the 3rd date, and we also got close, but not close enough to be together, as I moved away. Still I have strong feelings for him, and he says he has feelings for me too, but we both don’t want LDR, so maybe if we live in the same city or country again we would be together.

    I don’t belive in wait for sex, because if you feel it’s right, the time doesn’t matter, and it will happen eventually. I like the sooner, the better.

    #465094 Reply
    emma

    You say it’s not about making a guy to commit, yet everything you say shows that it is.

    Correct. Don’t say “I want commitment”. Ask what he’s looking for to find out if you’re compatible in that area. And that has nothing to do with power or leading or not letting the guy lead.

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