dont wanna lose myself in him

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This topic contains 7 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  redcurleysue 1 year, 1 month ago.

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  • #612571 Reply


    hello everyone.

    i am in my 30s. for the most part, i think i am confident woman, that know what she wants. for my business life, i had to work for it, and i got it. now….the personal life…not so much. oviously 🙂

    so, i had relationships….. i kinda knew, what to expect, every time, just lisen to the guy, and…simply, most of the time, they always come back. i was never needy person, i think the best thing to do on the daily basic, is just to be myself, and most of the time, it works! if i have to work, there’s no room for anything else… i guess….most of men, chased me!

    whenever i break the relationship, or if he did, i took time for myself, before i let myself into the game again.

    i broke off with my previous boyfriend on fabruary last year, and in december, my friends decided, i need to start dating again. so, they set up an online account for me, where i got……numerous letters, dates requests….. and for most of them, i didnt even respond. but there was this one guy. not really the best looking, not so much intriguing as some of them…. but one of the two i responded.

    at first, i resceduled our first date 3times! he still wanted to meet me! ok. first date was a blast, although, the funiest thing, he was so mesmerising, i dont even remember i gave him any signs i liked him, so intriguing it was! even when he said, its cold, i couldnt move, to give him a hug! this guy was so nice, simple, pleasant, the only thought i had – why are you single?

    i didnt expect anything….but, for the next month, we just talked on the phone. no dates. no nothing. no obligations. enjoy the moment. for our second date…. was the best i ever had. just simple dinner, nothing much really. and i asked myself!? he’s not my kind of a guy, hes not anything i ever would pursue, but!!! oviously, the former didnt work for me! the more i get to know him, the more convinced i am, we met for a reason.
    not sure, if just for me to get into the game again, to be more confidant as a woman, to accept my inner child, for him to show me, not all man play games and are the same…..

    i dont know what his axpectations were, but last month, all of a sudden, he asked me about my relationships. he tells me, he’s guarded, he needs time, to reorganise things in his life, to find himself again! because his girlfriend of 2 years, broke up with him in november.

    then i started to analise! i took time for myself everytime i ended a relationship, why shouldn he have the time? to know what he wants? and i kinda extinctlivly knew, he was guarded, all the sighns were there! and i know this may seem add for you….but he told me….joga….meditation…. this was on his day as his priorities. also, the career! job, friends! everything i would do! (kinda sighns he needs to find himself)

    for the first time, ever, i had problems, how to give him space, how to tell him, i wanna learn from him, because i respect everything he does, for himself, how much i admire him, not even realising myself…..and i fell! if i did all that, and it took me a long time, how can i be so impatient, when he needs his time?
    but still, i had to open that box! had to ask!? whare are we….and all i did, i just asked him, if he can make room for me in his life, when he clearly didnt forget his ex, plus, being guarded of his emotions, and daily routine!

    i gave him space. when he didnt answer for a week, i knew, i was inn for the long run. i know, there are no certanties in a relationship, but he’s probably the first, for me, to be actually worth it. so i called. and being the sweetest as he is…..he told me, he cannot be in a relationship right now. he told me, he wished, everything would stay the same, without me, opening the subject. i know, usually, thats just a nice guy telling me, not that into you…..

    it was a shock for me, so i took time off work, set down on a computer, and started to read! off all your problems, and mine, and how to make him happy, and if i should stay. theres a strugle in me…..i should, but i wanna be loved. now! i am here now! not tommorow, when he’s ready! i am here now!

    i know i over analysed! i know, i should just enjoy the moment, and he’s comming to dinner tonight, geting everithing he wants, no effort! i know, what i want, i have expectations, and i wanna scream to everyone, that this guy, just knows how to get all the best things out of me! and i am not even saying that to convince anyone! this guy, just makes me do better! even my friends say, that i am the best i ever was!

    i wanna stay. i wanna show him, how much i really…. and i am not even sure i love him! i dont! i wanna stand with him, wake up at 2in the morning, just to get another smile thinking of him, when i get back to sleep.. i wanna tell him, hes enough, just the way he is and i dont want anything to change!nor him, not me.

    but then again….i never fell this hard. i cannot destroy myself, while i wait, he’s ready. we are most of the time, our worst enemies, aren’t we.

    do you think, any of you?!? i should stay? i am afraid, for the first time, i will make the same needy, clingy, i want you so bad, mistakes… i dont want that. but who am i, to play mindset games, everione sugests, just to have him by myside?

    i am mesmerised, i wish you would see, he’s mistakes, are so natural, there’s no doubt, most of women would aprecciate. hes not a player, listens, knows how to get me higher, is efordless, even his mood swings are kinda the best thing, when he comes back! hmmmm…..He doesnt want a relationship. and i hear that.

    what can i do? i dont wanna lose myself in him, thou…. i kinda almost want to. and this is written by a girl, who doesnt really lose control. until now.

    #612577 Reply


    Is this really about him? Or is it about you? My last long term ex and I dove headfirst into our relationship. Lots of heavy infatuation. Both of us had come from different situations: me, I’d been single for a couple of years with just vague dates and no real relationships. He was just coming out of a divorce in a loveless marriage for five years. For both of us, things went so fast because we were both more in love with the idea of being in love, rather than truly in love with each other. I am like you, a woman who doesn’t really lose control. Are you certain that this is about him, or is it because he’s the first thing to come along in a long time that you feel a connection with?

    I think the best thing to do for you would be to step back. He has outright told you he doesn’t want a relationship. Believe him.

    #612591 Reply


    Carlotta, good question!
    (i red again what i wrote, and i appologise for all the grammar mistakes, english not being my first language)

    its about both of us! how can i let loose, protect myself, when its ovious, i like him…. too much!

    i understand, him not being able to commit….. the more pressure i would put here, the more i loose….

    but like i said-…. awaluating, not only my feeling, try not to beeing hurt, hes the one, i would actually take time for. the girl who never stops for anyone….i just stoped! it’s kinda the one for me!

    you know, i can not explain, just….this is so….right….i am willing to stay. to give him time.

    but, men never really change their mind…i know that. i am a rebound. no matther, how much we get along…. the ex is between us. i know that. in fact, the intuition, we women posess, is the most powerful thing.

    my ex… it was hard for me to brake off…he was nice, and i was in love, but just this gut filing, that its not the best for the long term? and i needed 8months to resolve with myself! him calling, me, percuading myself, not the right guy.

    but this one…..

    is it possible, for the guy to change his mind? i dont wanna play games! i dont wanna be, positive, outgoing, best i can be,just for the sake of it, if i am not at the moment! i am what i am! the more i fake, just to lure him in, the more i could hurt both of us! so i listen! i am ready! he is not! simple. can he change his mind?

    #612592 Reply


    Sure he can change his mind..but it won’t be because of you changing yourself just to please him.

    Did it ever cross your mind that there is nothing wrong with you? It sounds like you’re just not the woman for him..
    doesn’t make you any less of a woman.

    Bet you’ve heard this before..
    Just because you like someone, doesn’t guarantee they’ll like you back

    #612594 Reply


    and i am sorry, for pusing the subject, my friends are either…. on my side or just against him.

    i can relate to him. when you need space, to process, you just need space. but like i said. i am ready. i am here now.

    i cant help but to think…..hes worth it, but, i am important to! if not today, when ever! so i try to convince myself, i can stay, i can hold on! but really, i cannot.

    if you are here, and this is right, now, feels good, no mather how much both of us guarded are, this should work! i shouldnt be asking myself….! i should know!

    but he doesnt….

    and the worst thing…..

    i did something stupid….when he said….i am guarded….i dont look for a relationship, i should be for myself for a while….we are not for the long term, because, we are different…. i started to persuade him, hes wrong, and he started to doubt himself, if hes making the right decision!

    thats when i knew! i was pushy, he isn’t really sure what he wants, and me making arguments why oposite attracts, just gain me another month, when the same questions will arise.

    he should know if he wants me, right? but then again! am i just requesting too much of a great guy, that can actually confront me, and tells me, i ended things with a girl, and i need to put myself first, in order to give you what you want.

    and i am impatient! it’s his right to have the time, but it’s also my right to say…i want!

    #612605 Reply


    He told you clearly he cannot be in a relationship right now. What else do you want to hear to leave him alone? The best thing you can do to have a chance with him in the future is to leave him alone. Completely let him be on his own. This is the only way he’d have a chance to process things and change his mind, which is not guaranteed, he might never change his mind about you, but if there is a chance, this will happen only if you leave him be. This means if he calls or texts you, you say you can’t make it. This is no game playing. You can’t make it because you want different things from each other.

    #612644 Reply


    Wow, you have a bad case of infatuation that can turn into a case of obsession if you don’t ground yourself here. You need to cut off communication and contact with him now. He was VERY CLEAR he is not wanting a relationship, and he really shouldn’t be dating until he knows what he wants as its not fair to the women who are looking for something meaningful.

    I understand one needs to dip their toe into the dating pool to see where their at emotionally, but if he just recently broke up then he needs more time to be single and fully get over his ex instead of wasting ladies time. Good that you know now and its your cue to exit no matter how much you like him.

    #612697 Reply


    The only thing men respect is a woman’s ability to walk away. If she can walk out he knows he has to work for her…it ups the value in his eyes.

    I am really sorry but I do not believe in one sided love….it has to be two sided…has to be.

    What you have is very very strong feelings for a man who 1) is not completely together 2) does not want a relationship at this time…and you cannot change that.

    The very good news is you found someone who you can care for very deeply….that is always a good thing….the bad news is you are alone in this.

    Also, I wonder if you idealize him too much…I know he is good…but is anyone that good??

    I think you need to reclaim your own life and happiness…you need to pull away from this guy for your own good.

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