Does No Contact Work with an EX?


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  • #379573 Reply
    Blindsided

    Hi guys,

    My recent ex was acting distant for a few days, told me it had a lot to do with family and personal things so I chalked it up to that and left it alone. The following weekend,he came over, told me he loved me for the first time and I was elated!

    A few days later, he began acting distant again and on thanksgiving, sent me a text, yes, a text saying that he wasn’t happy in the relationship and now that he knows we aren’t a match he wants to be friends but won’t have hard feelings if that’s not what I want. He said we were looking for different types of relationships.

    I asked him to call me. No response. I called him twice that night, no response, then I just sent him a message asking if everything he told me was a lie, why he couldn’t tell me to my face how he was feeling but if he was sure this is what he wanted then I would move on and let him go. I wished him the best and never contacted him again. Obviously, it’s been a few days since that happened, and this is so sudden, I can’t help but think that you can’t be in love with someone, ask them to spend the rest of their life with you, then disappear.

    He divulged that he suffers from depression the weekend before, but I don’t think i should attribute this erratic behavior to that.

    Question,

    If I decided to initiate no contact, would that work with having him reach out? I’ve never had to do this before,as I never really have a problem moving on… but I actually really care about this guy though. He’s different. Not to be conceited, but I can do a lot better than him, and I doubt, he could get another me.

    Have any of you done NC for 30 days? has it worked with getting him back, or at least reaching out to you?

    Let me know your thoughts :)

    #379575 Reply
    Stefanie

    Honey, going NC is NOT a strategy for getting a man to contact you. It’s a strategy for reclaiming yourself, your power and in some cases your sanity if you let it go along with the previous two things. ;)

    If you can do better… then just shaddap, delete him and leave him be, and get on with it, girlfriend!!

    #379576 Reply
    Blindsided

    Stefanie,

    You are so right! It’s just hard when you miss someone, but I know I can do better,I just didn’t want to. I’m sure that’ll change pretty soon :)

    #379580 Reply
    Stefanie

    I understand. I know the feeling. Hugs xoxoxo

    #382291 Reply
    Flower

    I had a Man ré-contacting me day 29 with a casual text after ghosting on me. Needless to say i gave him some hard time to get back into my pants.

    #382292 Reply
    Flower

    But i wasnt thinkin of it as NC, i genuinly thought it was over and didnt expect for him to contact me again :)

    #382293 Reply
    Sassperilla

    Firstly Blindsided I know how you feel. Lots of us are going through it. Lots of us have been through it before and have come out the other side! Know that whatever the outcome is, you’ll be okay…

    Secondly – they ALWAYS come back. ALWAYS. There must be something pre-programmed in a man that makes them come back because, in my experience anyway, every guy I have EVER had romantic dealings with – even the ones I’ve been on one rubbish date with, have tried again at some point. All three of my significant exes have come back at some point. So if that’s what you want to hear then there it is… he’ll be back.

    HOWEVER it might be days, weeks, months or even YEARS before you hear from him again. And the craziest thing in the world would be for you to sit and wait for him, put your life on hold and pine.

    What you need to do is take him at face value, assume it’s over for good, and get back to looking after yourself as a priority.

    I know this is extremely hard, and I especially identify with you saying you really care about him and that he won’t find another you – I GET THIS becuase I feel the same in my situation.

    And it’s easy for me to dish this advice out when I am struggling to carry it out myself in this very moment!

    BUT we all need to stay strong, look after number one, and believe that true love finds a way and if it’s meant to be it will work itself out. If it’s not meant to be then it’s just another leg of the journey to meeting the right one for you!

    #383698 Reply
    Tasha Boston

    Hi Blindsided,
    It happened to me,I was with this man for 3 months,everything was great,he told me I was part of his crowd,blah,blah,blah. He broke up with me 3 days before our 3rd month anniversary,said he couldn’t be there for me,yadda yadda. That day I came into any the ladies said move on and no NC,I honestly didn’t think he’d come back,NC for 2 mths,he reached out to me a week ago saying he fucked up,his close friends telling him so,he lost his best friend to a heart attack,he got scared. I went on my daily life and started fresh. I did however give him a second chance but not before laying down my boundaries,letting him wallow in his,he fucked up mode. Things are different now. Going NC works,and like these ladies said whether u want him back or not, your decision. But don’t let him down easy if he comes crawling back. Good Luck!

    #391347 Reply
    katie

    Sassperilla- ALL your ex’s have come back? Did they tell you why the contacted you out of the blue?

    And blindsinded- no contact is good but its so you can heal & move on. Not try to get him back. I know its hard. I’m trying to do it with the last guy I was involved with.

    #391356 Reply
    Sassperilla

    Ha Katie, they don’t tell you “why” they just chance their arm of getting back in there!! Like I said it might be weeks, months, even years later, but they have all resurfaced. In most cases it’s out of boredom, looking for an ego-stroke. Only one really tried to get things back on track but it was too late for me.

    And that is kind of the point – ideally by the time they do come back (and they WILL) you should have moved on and be over them. Putting your life on hold in anticipation of them coming back is a waste of your precious time. Trust me.

    #391364 Reply
    Ivy

    Sometimes they come back because they are bored, lonely, or horny. Not to say it isn’t great to think ,,wow I am so unforgettable. However, unless the guy is coming back on a white horse and is a different man than the one it didn’t work out with then what is it worth —- nothing really!!!

    And why would you want a guy back who says I love you then 3 days later breaks it off you with, that is messed up!!! And it’s a shame he suffers from depression but that will make it hard to have a good happy relationship anyway.

    #393328 Reply
    Jennifer

    NC worked for me. Was exclusive with my guy for 6 months and he vanished. I tried contacting him about 1-2X per day for about a week then I went NC. Took about 2 weeks and he called. We have been back together since. He went radio silent for PTSD reasons…he is working on those and so far things have been great. I have been very guarded since we have been back together. But giving him his space to deal with what he needed to in his own head worked for us. Every guy and every relationship is different.

    #393333 Reply
    Sasha

    I have to agree with Sassperilla, ALL of my ex’s, guy’s I’ve dated but not in a exclusive relationship with and guy’s I’ve gone out on 1 or 2 dates with, have ALL come back! EVERY. SINGLE. ONE OF THEM! All at different times, some took a few days, some took months and some almost 2 yrs. But they all contacted me in some way, via text, phone call, facebook, whatsapp. And to be honest by the time most of them did reach out, I had already moved on, long before. I would find it funny when I’d get a text from one of them and have no clue as to who they were, because I no longer had their phone number! and I love replying “Sorry, who is this?” Totally kills their ego LOL.

    So yes, I agree, if your ex hasn’t reached out yet since you posted this, he will, at some point. But like Sass said, DO NOT wait around for it. Because 90% of the time, the reach out is cheap. It’s an ego stroke, or a booty call or simply out of boredom. MAYBE 10% of the time, the guy will honestly feel as though he “made a mistake” and is in a better place in his life and would like a real second chance.

    #393426 Reply
    buttercup

    All of mine have come back at some point.

    Even one, who I went out with in 1988!!! He will still contact me every now and again and ask if I’ll meet him for a coffee!

    #394281 Reply
    su_2012

    I broke up with my guy i dated for 9 months. he said he doesnt have the warm and fuzzy feeling anymore after i initiated the break up conversation coz i felt something has been missing for a long time. He sent me a nice long email as to how he adores me and all the ways i have positively influenced his life and how we want different things in life. we have never fought and we have fun when we are together. Emotionally, intellectually and go hiking, scuba diving and vacations together. And to my surprise I was a mess only for one day, and i have been fine since then (break up happened 4 days ago). i didnt contact him and told him not to call/text me. after 2 days of silence he texted me last night asking how i was and that he is trying to keep himself distracted. i said we will get through this and will be fine.

    The only thing that went wrong was that he lost the butterflies in his belly. does NC help in getting the spark/warm fuzzy feeling back? he lives in LA and works in Minneapolis. I live and work in minneapolis. so most of the time ours is a long distance relationship.

    Please advice.

    #395382 Reply
    No longer blindsided

    Hi guys! I wish I would’ve gotten notifications because I have moved onward and upward. My life has been grey at, and of course, he suddenly reaches out… THE SAME DAY I see this on the right panel of the website. Wild. Haha.

    Anyway he started with light conversation, I also kept it light but didnt respond to every message. Not out of spitefulness, just didn’t feel the need to.

    Anyway, yesterday he text me again saying he missed my socks… (I always wear crazy thigh high socks from American apparel around the house). Again, I kept it light and didn’t respond to every message. Then he says “So don’t be offended… And don’t say anything back… Buttttt I wanted to let you know that there isn’t a day that I don’t think about you or miss you. ”

    I never responded.

    Would I love to be with him again? Yes. Does this message means he wants to try again? I’m taking it as no. Right now I don’t feel like he feels like he messed up enough. Honestly I don’t know what to expect from him. And I can’t trust him with my feelings right now.

    If he wants to be with me again, he needs to respect my heart, and my boundaries. As of lately I’ve been very naive in this area because Ive never had this happen before. How do I set boundaries, while still remaining attainable and fun? I’ve never had to do that before.

    #396094 Reply
    Sasha

    Blindsided…I think before jumping back into your ex’s arms, you have to first assess his motivations for getting back in touch with you. Is it because he’s lonely? Is it because he’s needing to fill a temporary/selfish need of your company? Is it because he had a memory of your presense and enjoyed the memory so much that he reached out to you in that moment? Or is it because he took the time to think about your relationship, to think about the reasons why he decided to leave and actually took the time to make those changes so that when YOU welcome him back, things will sincerely be different this time around, or atlest he’s will to try!?

    The way you can assess this is by his actions. I think if he was genuinely serious about wanting you back and really determined to make this work a second time around, he would not text you, he would actually call you and ask to meet up with you to discuss your relationship and it’s options. I don’t think a text of “I miss your socks” is a good enough and strong enough indication that he’s now ready. I think it’s a good indication that he’s lonely for your company and that’s never enough for success, because loneliness is only temporary.

    IF you do give him a second chance and he takes it, then you really need to show him you value yourself more. YOu need to make him EARN you, not just for your sake, but for his too because a man only values things he has to work for. Its also okay to tell him that you don’t trust him right now and that he must earn back that trust in order to further the progression. And lastly, I think you need to set boundaries down with how he communicates with you in regards to serious matters (ie: his choice to break up via text) Inform him that’s not an appropriate way to communicate, that you would like for him to have face to face discussions or AT LEAST phone calls, regarding situations that affect both you and him. Set your boundaries down, you’ll be able to tell if he’s serious or not by his actions.

    Good luck.

    #399064 Reply
    Steen

    Hi everybody, I would appreciate if you took time to look through my case and help me. I broke up a few days ago. The main reason is that I felt that he lost interest in me. I talked to him about this. I admitted that his feeling was not the same anymore and he did not understand his feeling well. We then agreed to broke up, he also asked whether he had his chance to come back in the future if he got his feeling back and I am not having a boyfriend then. The breakup talk was quite harmony and peaceful. Since that day he keeps sending me texts to tell me random things in his life, however I don’t answer it. However I know that he’s not going to send me anymore texts. I’m moving on well but deep down I know I want him to be in my life. I am supposed to stop contact him for a month or so to reorganize my mind and then contact him. Is that any chance that this guy still love me and I can come back with him? Most of our relationship time was happy and the ‘his feeling’ thing only happened for that last 2 month. Thanks for advice.

    #399083 Reply
    redcurleysue

    Blindsided – su2012 and steen,

    You have to ask what has changed in the relationship to give it a second chance? If nothing has changed except you miss each other will it be successful?

    I think it takes work not just missing each other to fix for the future. Why did you break up – how will that not happen again – changes in conduct in the future….etc.

    #400740 Reply
    Blindsided

    Hi sasha,

    UPDATE- After the “sock conversation”, he reached out again… and again and again… until finally he said he was reaching out because he missed and still loved me. He kept apologizing and I took your advice and let him know that what he did was unacceptable, and I don’t trust him. Here’s the thing… it’s been a couple of weeks since he’s been texting me, but I can’t quite figure out what his agenda is. He has yet to ask to see me in person. The first week I was busy and last weekend was vday and he was in chicago working… and I had plans myself.

    At first I was really happy to hear from him… just knowing that he still cared about me kind of made everything a little better… but now that time has passed and i know he missed me, it’s not enough. I feel like he’s not making an effort to take it any further than texting. I want him to make plans to SEE ME. is that too much to ask? I don’t care if it’s a couple of weeks in advance… I just need to know that this isn’t some weak attempt to feel less guilty. I need to know that he wants to to move forward because while I am open to being cordial… I’m not open to texting him everyday just to keep him occupied without there being anything from me. So… I’ve started distancing myself. I stopped contacting him yesterday (although he reached out 4 times) and today… ( he didn’t reach out, I’m not worried… I know he’s afraid of looking “Thirsty” he’ll be back). He left, he messed up…so if he wants to come back, he needs to REALLY try… am i asking for too much?lol

    P.S.

    Let me just tell ALL OF YOU LADIES… you have been great with your advice. I’ve grown so much thanks to your support. If i never started this forum, I would’ve been all for whatever he wants right now. It feels good to know what I want and not be wiling to settle for anything less.

    #400744 Reply
    Harley

    I think I’d ask him direct…you’ve nothing to lose. next time he texts..just ask him why he is in touch. ..us it to date you again and have a relate ir just to keep in touch? tell him you’d like the respect if an honest reply. He can call you if he’d like to arrange a date .

    I think. ..he’s e tethering.

    #400745 Reply
    Harley

    Have a relationship ***

    #400749 Reply
    redcurleysue

    I don’t understand his reluctance to make plans to see you. If I loved someone I would want to see them.

    So no…you are not asking too much for making plans to see you.

    #400753 Reply
    Khadija

    Blindsided,
    This guy really needs to step up and show his love for you.
    I mean words are nice but, if they have no action to back them up, then they are just that. WORDS!

    I’m a little weary about second chances. What about him has changed in this short time? Is he willing to do whatever it takes to make things work? Are you willing to trust him with your heart again?

    Ask yourself these things. In the meantime limit that contact and see what he does.
    Best of luck to you!

    #400760 Reply
    Blindsided

    Harley, You’re right… I’ll ask him the next time he reaches out… see what he says.

    Kadija and RedcurlySue- He said that if we ever got back together then he would make sure that he fought for us… he knows that he didn’t do that before…he let an issue that he had fester until he felt like he had to break it off. The issues seemed to be his own insecurities of if he could be the guy that I actually want.

    I’ve never had this situation happen before so honestly, I’m not sure if i could trust him with my heart. That’s the hard part. I’m not sure what he’s wiling to do to make this work, or to get me back…but what I do know is right now… I need more than what I’m getting.

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