Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › Does he care about me or does he manipulate me?
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Tallspicy.
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christy
So girls, my boyfriend loves me a lot! There is no doubt about this. However, there are moments that I think he might be manipulative. When I discuss it with him he says that I am exaggerating and that he only does what he does because he cares. Let me give you an example. I work as an afternoon freelance teacher. I don’t have many students but I love my job and I find it very creative. My boyfriend found me a morning job and urge me to apply (in order for me to have financial stability). He said that I would simply apply and if I got accepted then we would see what to do with my teaching job. It turned out that I got the job and that I could do both that and the teaching. I’ll be working for 11 hours per day for the next 7 months. I felt depressed. On the one hand, I have the opportunity to earn a lot more money than I used to but on the other, I feel as if I won’t have any personal time for myself. My boyfriend was glad that I got the job but when he realized how sad I also felt he told me to decide for myself! Yeah..first you fill my mind with visions and then you tell me to decide!
Another example: One day, we both had our days off. He wanted to go to the beach and told me so. He explained that he wanted to relax there, and enjoy the sun. He was so excited! I was bored and not in the mood to go. I told him and advise him to go on his own if he wanted it so much. He said, “Nah, I’m not, since you don’t want to”. He made me feel so bad…I told him that and he called me crazy and that I am making scenarios in my head. Ultimately, I agreed and we went.
I know that there are way more serious problems out there but I am overanalyzing the situation. Does he act like a savior who has the solution to every problem or does he trully cares about me?Raven
Why are you looking for something to be unhappy about?
Nat
I think he sees your potential and is just urging you to take opportunities. With the economy we are going to face due to Covid, I’d be glad to have 2 jobs that consists of only 11 hours. But the final decision has always been yours because you’re the one who has to actually do the work
As for the beach, it’s a bit petty. Maybe he wanted to enjoy it with you but I do see how you must feel like you have to do what he says or else you feel bad. So here’s something to consider. He could be going to places and not invite you along or could careless about your career. How would you feel about that? I think you’re both fine but he has to know when to stop giving you pushes to do something and you have to start considering/appreciate his points well before you say yes or no.
Newbie
I think this is more about you and you being in charge of your own life. Like the first example, i know myself and there is no way in hell im going to work 11 hours a day, so i would never taken those steps but you did and now you blaim him for making you do this. Yeah thats the world upside down. With the beach its something different. You didnt want to go, thats fine. And your bf didnt want to go on his own, also fine. Whats the big deal about it?
Tallspicy
Girl, grow up. Going to be blunt and harsh so you get it. Neither of those examples are even remotely manipulative. He did not fill your head with anything. And guess what, adult woman… you are responsible for your decisions.
How did you tell him to go to the beach? You go on and have fun… or I don’t want to go, but you can if you want it so much? Like a test of his feelings. If he was so excited and you only bored, put on your swim suit and go.
Honestly, you sounded much more manipulative than him in your second example and In the first example first like a whiny child. You sound like the manipulative one.
christy
OMG! I am trying to express my feelings and all I get is such an attack? I was just asking for advice! Of course I didn’t snap at him about the beach. I calmly told him that I wasn’t in the mood and that he could go on his own if he didn’t want to miss it. I did go in the end but I couldn’t just let it go. We didn’t fight or anything.
Now as for the “grow up” part. I have done a lot of things in my life to consider myself a grown-up woman. I still try for the best. But having my reality so drastically changed is not easy. It’s not a matter of boundaries and decision making. All this situation with COVID is so crappy! I cannot say no to a job even if I have to work that much. Don’t you think I have at least the right to ‘whine’?
Let me tell you something. Nothing in life is black and white. Especially in those hard times when we need to adjust so rapidly to change. If you asked me a few years ago I would tell you that there was no way I would work that much, but now is different and I had to reconsider my values.Newbie
Who are you talking to?
Liz Lemon
There’s a difference between whining or venting, and making up a scenario where your boyfriend is manipulative. I don’t see how the Covid crisis & pandemic has anything to do with your boyfriend being manipulative. So your last post doesn’t make sense.
For what it’s worth I don’t think the examples you gave are manipulative at all. It sounds like he encouraged you to apply for the job because it was in your best interest. And you just said that given the economy, you can’t turn the job down. So why is that his fault? In what way does that make him manipulative?
As for the beach, you just sound petty. I can understand why he wouldn’t want to go to the beach by himself. it’s silly to decide he’s manipulative because he didn’t want to go without you. I don’t see how he made you feel bad, unless he said things that were abusive or mean? But simply not wanting to go without you doesn’t make him manipulative.
Newbie
So you probably responded to tall lady and completely ignoring the other 3 responses including mine. Thats probably how you react in real life and with your bf as well. Getting all steamed up right away Meanwhile not seeing all the is good. And im telling you this because its not an attractive feature. Your bf told you a few times now you are blowing things up so he is seeing right through it.
christy
Hey girls! I’ve read all your comments, thanks a lot for the insights! My previous message was addressed to Tallspicy indeed, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t take under consideration the other messages.
I know that he cares about me and that he believes in my potentials. But yes, I fight a lot with myself and put the blame on him. For instance, by not wanting to go to the beach myself I felt as if I behave egoistically. I felt I HAD TO go for his sake and then blame it on him. Same stands for the job. I know he proposed it because he wants the best for me but when the time came I freaked out. I feel like I sometimes see enemies everywhere and I try to defend myself all the time. I don’t know what to do. I need to stop overanalyzing things, and just let life do its job. Any help with that?Newbie
Yeah i do know how it feels. You have problems setting your own goals and boundaries plus you are a people pleaser in a way. Its a process to stand up for yourself in a assertive way and not the passive aggresive way (like blaming).
Its not easily fixed but knowing what your goals are will help you a lot. Like do you need to work 11 hours a day and why are ou doing it? Money is important but so is having days off. If your bf brings this up then be honest and thinkfull in your response. Ask him if its important to him and why for instance. Are you saving for a future house for instance. If you do not know how to answer take a time out. Say you think about it.
For me an afternoon teacher job with a few students doesnt sound like a job that covers all the bills honestly but its up to you to decide what you like and how you go about it. And compromizeNewbie
I had a strange experience a while ago. I had counseling to get my life back on track after it fell apart and i had to start over. Meanwhile i had a dad that was so worried but he vented that in what i should do etc, not listening and was in the early phase of alzheimer. So i talked about him in those council sessions. At some point my counselor said Yeah i get your dad is important to you. I looked at im puzzled and said; are you nuts, he is one of the biggest as/sholes i know. I cant think of anything nice to say. He is not even worried for me but for himself. So counselor said: why in the world would you care what he thinks then. Yeah bam. Im 51. So thats how hard it is to not fall in old traps again
christy
Yes, most of what you said are true. It’s not that I’m not assertive, I make most of the decisions on my own. And as for “people pleaser” I do want the people around me to be happy but I mostly put my self first. Now as for the job I think it’s fear. Money as an afternoon teacher are enough for me but I do need that extra job. I know that my goal is to be a very good teacher and having a morning job will put a real pressure on my shoulders but it’s not as I even have a choice. I mean I do have a choice obviously, but in this day and age, I need to step back my “dream” and push myself harder. That frightens me, working that much will be so out of my comfort zone. All that internal struggle needs to be expressed somehow and my bf -the person who initially urge me to make that extra step- is the easiest goal. I’ll discuss with him, hoping that we won’t end up fighting.
Tallspicy
If you don’t like what I have to say, I have no investment in it. And I said I knew it was harsh so you would pay attention.
you may want to consider the wording you use and how it creates outcomes for you. You did not title this… I need to vent, thanks for listening. You called your boyfriend manipulative when in fact, you admit you cause friction and drama (which is what you are doing by making others responsible for your actions). I suggest you tell your boyfriend how lucky you are to have him because many men would not deal with this…. meaning blaming him for your issues and then saying he is manipulative.
I believe you went to the beach but because you could not let it go, your vibe was most likely not great to be around. It happens, but by your own admission you have behavior that is not helpful. Work on that.
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