This topic contains 2 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by emjai 11 months, 1 week ago.
April 6, 2013 at 1:45 pm #11426
Okay, admittedly, I am so good at giving advice, but when it comes to my own life, well…sometimes I need another perspective!
My ex and I started hanging out again recently and while the times we spent together have been really good, the contact in between has turned into me mostly initiating (he was chasing at first). Anyway, I am fully 100% done with chasing — it doesn’t feel good to me and I can’t stand the emotional roller coaster it puts me on. I know I’m investing too much into this without any kind of commitment or even effort from him. We saw each other last week and it was good, but then I texted him a few days later just to wish him good luck with a family issue he was facing and to let him know I was there for him if he wanted to talk. He thanked me, and that was the last time we’ve had contact. He has shared that he feels really overwhelmed in his life right now, so I am giving him plenty of space. But I know I have to look out for myself. So I am committed to NOT initiating any contact from this point forward. I am also done with this “in between” relationship where nothing is defined and he gets the benefits of a relationship without any kind of commitment. I know I deserve better, I just wish I didn’t care about him so much.
Anyway, I am trying my best to just live my life right now and put my energy into me. I’m getting ready to start dating other men (haven’t dated anyone since he and I broke up) and move forward like he’s not in the picture. I am absolutely done with the situation with him the way it is.
What I’m trying to figure out is whether it’s my actions of words that will best convey this. And to be honest, I can’t say I don’t hold out hope that asserting my boundaries may shake him up. I’m done being taken for granted, though. I’m leaning toward saying this to him because I think it would feel more empowering for me in the short run, but long term will I be kicking myself wondering if I’d just ignored him longer it may have made him get his act together? I feel like if I go into having a talk with him, I have to be prepared for this to be the end of things. And maybe I need to close that door fully. On the other hand, just not contacting him keeps that door open. I don’t know if I want that, either, because I feel like on a certain level it’ll keep me in emotional limbo.
Of course, there is also the question of how long it will take him to actually make contact. Is it pretty much a rule that ignoring a man you’ve been chasing will make him take notice? What are the odds he’s going to start missing me and feel compelled to check in and see what’s going on. I’ve seen it at play in other relationships, but I am worried this won’t happen here. I guess I want my opportunity to regain some semblance of control of the situation; I want to be able to be the one to walk away if the situation isn’t to my liking. Right now it is frustrating to be ignoring someone who isn’t contacting me in the first place.April 6, 2013 at 2:40 pm #11432
I have to chuckle, because in the first part of this post, you’re DONE. Then you retreat back to talks, playing games, hoping he starts to miss you to come back, etc. Might want to step back and look at this, because I don’t think it’s being honest. I think this is what you’re telling yourself in your head, but it’s not what you feel in your gut. Get out of your head and stop chasing him. My two cents!April 6, 2013 at 3:16 pm #11437
Michelle, you’re right – I am a bit confused right now. What I am certain on is this — I refuse to chase him any longer, which for me means not initiating anything with him, other than potentially contacting him to give him a piece of my mind and be done with it all. But I would only do that if I could feel certain in my gut that I can walk away without regrets. I am also certain I am done with this Wishy-washy in-between hanging out thing that we’ve had going on the past month or so. I am not going to sleep with him again unless we are in a committed, exclusive relationship. It’s not game playing because I’m not going to use sex as a bargaining chip; I am making these decisions in an effort to do right for myself.
However, there is a part of me that does hope he will at least NOTICE and REACT to the fact that I am no longer contacting him. Even if he can’t give me what I want, it would feel better to walk away from this knowing I could either SHOW him or TELL him that I am done accepting crumbs of a relationship from him. I just can’t decide which way I should do this. ugh.