Home › Forums › Decoding His Signals / How Does He Feel About Me? › do I wait for him to say something?
- This topic has 5 replies and was last updated 2 years, 5 months ago by
Maddie.
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dia
hi everyone! looking for a little bit of advice on feelings that I have for one of my closest friends. naturally, he and I being really good friends in general makes me very nervous to even be having feelings because, honestly, I’m terrified to ruin our friendship, but I also know I would always wonder if I didn’t at least try.
for background he (21) and I (22) went to college together for 3 years. We met his first semester of school, and I had been there for a whole year at that point. we both recently graduated in may and he moved 2 1/2 hours away from me for work. all throughout those three years we maintained a friendship and a few different times our friends swore we would date. honestly, I always thought maybe but I never said anything. we both did date other people in that time period, but by graduation we were both single. so a few months after graduation, I was feeling very courageous one day and I told him about my feelings. He was really surprised but also admitted that he had feelings for me too. we talked about why we both never said anything, and laughed about how bad the timing was since we were so much farther now, but agreed to go on a date since we was in town that weekend.
a few days before the date was supposed to happen I got cold feet and cancelled. Admittedly, I am very busy and kind of used that as a crutch for it maybe not being a good time, and he agreed. About a week or so later we ended up talking again and agreed to replan the date. (both of us admitting to being nervous to ruin the friendship but wanting to try it out). BUT then a week before that date we had another conversation where he opened up about feeling like he didn’t know if he was dating because he was lonely or not. I appreciated his honesty and he left that conversation really worried that he had screwed things up with me both romantically and friendship wise. I assured him he hadn’t in either scenario and we said goodnight.
we didn’t really speak for a couple of months after that conversation. not out of spite, but I think we both knew the space would be good. recently, he reached out to catch up and we ended up getting breakfast one morning that he was in town. It was very out of the blue but it was so nice to get to spend time with him. we’ve talked every day since then and he has initiated most of those conversations with funny prompts or sending me videos of his “fit of the day” (as we both are very into fashion). I’ve talked to my friends about this and they have all encouraged me to just flat out ask him where he’s at and if he’s ready to try again, but my fear is that I would come off as pushy. I truly want to be friends regardless of whether or not he has feelings for me (or wants to act one them). I guess my question to you guys, is do you think it would be pushy of me to just ask him where his head may be at or should I wait it out and wait for him?
Maddie
I don’t think it’s a coincidence that this didn’t come up for years until you both moved away from each other. Sometimes people want what’s unavailable because it feels safer than getting involved with someone they fear getting too close with. It sounds like you’re both feeling each other out now and there are real feelings for each other there, but there are also a lot of excuses. Since you’re both young, it makes me think he’s not ready for that kind of relationship yet, and maybe you’re not either. It’s hard to push forward with one that risks a great friendship if either or both of you is unsure, which you’re finding now.
When I was younger, I also sometimes had these missed connection, will they or won’t they situations. It all seemed very romantic and star-crossed, in a few cases we actually came back to each other and eventually made it happen! But for me, these situations never worked out once we tried because there was something off and the guy held onto the same doubts he always had or the guy wasn’t ready for a serious commitment yet, and that’s why it took so long for us to get together in the first place.
In my opinion, tell him how you feel, short and sweet and one time only. Don’t ask him where he’s at. Just say something like, “our friendship is so important to me but my feelings are real, too. I’ve been enjoying talking again and I’d be happy to go on a date with you if you want to explore this. If not, I am committed to staying friends and won’t bring it up again.”
Then the ball is in his court. If he doesn’t run with it, you don’t bring it up again because an ‘I don’t know’ is a no. Any confusion or trying to leave the situationship door open without actually dating you is a no. More distance is also a no and means he isn’t speaking up further because he doesn’t want to hurt your feelings (which may be what happened before). Unless he responds YES and follows through on a date, no more wishy-washy behavior, then you try your best to move on from the “what if” and see him as just a friend. Take another break if you need a longer one to get over romantic feelings.
Some people will say never take the lead, but my suggestion is specifically because you’d sent him mixed signals before he initially backed off. I think you need to clarify what you want now (or you’ll drive yourself crazy wondering), words and actions really lined up this time, and then accept whatever the response is so you can both actually move forward. And since I know you’re worried about the friendship… FWIW, I had a close guy friend in college who admitted to a big crush on me and I wasn’t interested, and we took a break for a couple months for him to get over it then resumed being just friends and still are many, many years later! And he moved on with someone else without any awkwardness in our friendship. So even if things don’t work out romantically, I don’t think your friendship will get wrecked if it’s important to you both and you can see him as just a friend instead of a potential relationship :)
Dia
Hi Maddie,
thank you for the advice! I feel a lot better about the friendship being able to be stable regardless of the outcome! I’m seeing him tonight and plan on just letting him know! I guess I never took into consideration how my back and forth was also confusing to him. definitely, a good place for self reflection! thank you, again!
Maddie
Good luck, I hope it goes well! Even if it isn’t your ideal outcome, like I said, I still think the friendship can endure :)
dia
just wanted to update about how the conversation went! the conversation went really well and the feelings were still mutual, so that was exciting to hear. he asked me to free a whole Saturday in a couple of weeks so that he can take me on a date. anyway, I guess I could’ve listened to my friends and asked, but thank you strangers on the internet for giving me the last nudge to just do it!
Maddie
Yay, glad to hear he’s running with it. Have fun on your date!
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