This topic contains 60 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Christine 3 weeks, 3 days ago.
October 23, 2017 at 12:41 pm #661978
I just wanted to get your thoughts on something that happened yesterday with my boyfriend of six months.
Recently I moved into a new place and as a nice treat I told him that I would make dinner. I told him to come over at 5 but, he said he was planning on coming earlier, so we agreed upon 4:30.
As I’m finishing up cooking dinner I realize its a little past 4:30. I give him about 15 minutes then I give him a call and it goes to voice mail. At this point I’m mildly annoyed because he has a tendency to be late. About 15 minutes later he calls back saying that he overslept. ( He reports to work early in the morning). I suggested 5 to give him time to get home and take a nap.
He tells me that he is on his way. At that time I tell him that I have not gone downstairs to grab a parking spot for him. (Parking on my street can be a little challenging at times).
10 minutes later he arrives and calls me to huff and puff about how there is no parking. At this point I’m really annoyed about him being late and complaining about parking. I admit this annoyance came out in my voice. I told him keep looking there will be parking. A few minutes later I get a text from him saying he is leaving.
I called him back and let him know that I was not okay with that because I took my time to prepare a meal for us and that not being able to find a parking spot right away is not a reason to leave. He said he was going to go home and get an uber. I then told him that I’ll go downstairs and help him find a spot.
Which I did and found parking in less than a minute. He was too lazy to drive a little further down the street ( that’s how I took it)
By now we are both tense and upset. We get into my place and he barley says anything to me for minutes. When I try to start a conversation he was short. I went into my room, counted to 30 and then I confronted him right then and there. I said to him I get he is frustrated about parking but, the problem is solved so can we drop it and enjoy the night.
He then said he felt like I had and attitude earlier and didn’t care about him not being able to find parking. I’ll be honest I was annoyed with him being late, complaining about parking, and not apologizing to me.
After some time we both cooled off and enjoyed the night, but today I still feel a little bothered by it. Now I don’t feel like I ever want to cook for him or deal with this parking hassle when he comes over. I feel like he should have apologized and stopped having cranky fit over parking once we found a spot.
I guess I’m just venting because we talked about it and the last thing I plan to do is bring it up again. I’ve learned to talk it out then and there and move forward but, for some reason this one hit a nerve.October 23, 2017 at 1:13 pm #661987
That wasn’t a nice treat for him at all. He shows up a few minutes late and has trouble finding parking , when you were supposed to help save a space, and you cop an attitude? Who eats dinner at 430 pm except my grandma?October 23, 2017 at 1:18 pm #661991
He decided on the 4:30 dinner date. I was the one who offered 5, 45 minutes late isn’t a few minutes.
I tried to be patient initially but, his huffing and puffing after the fact hit a nerve.
Thanks for the input L.October 23, 2017 at 1:23 pm #661993
So it’s less than an hour late and he had valid reason. You sound like the type of person who has a hissy fit if things don’t go as you plan or expect. In this case you obviously came across as being ‘right.’ You said you suggested 5 . So my guess is you made it feel as if he should have followed your suggestion and not his, because you know better. Having someone over casually for dinner shouldn’t be such a big deal.
If your bigger issue is his tardiness, then just tell him this. Don’t mix it in with a night of other frustrations. Some people are nortoriously late. If you care enough about them and it’s predictable , like 15 minutes, then plan around it. Tell him to be there at 5 when you really know he will show at 515.
This relationship must have bigger issues or you are easily roused. What you wrote did not warrant such a blow up.October 23, 2017 at 1:30 pm #661996
The issue is the tardiness, our relationship doesn’t have issues otherwise.
I’ve recently spoken to him about this and he’s made some improvements. I’d just like it to be consistent.October 23, 2017 at 1:32 pm #661998
It seems like you both communicate poorly. The initial lateness was on him and you had to call him to find out what was going on. You are the one making dinner- he should be apologizing immediately for causing the dinner to be late. Then he messages you he is leaving- what? That means he’s getting an Uber. He sounds immature at best in terms of communicating.October 23, 2017 at 1:36 pm #661999
Becky I agree in this case the communication was poor. Going forward we both need to be really clear and I need to revisit my conversation with him about if he is going to be running late.
When people are tardy its just always been a trigger for me. I get annoyed by it.October 23, 2017 at 1:49 pm #662006
I’m sorry, but I would be annoyed too! Chronic tardiness drives me crazy, it is disrespectful and rude.
When you are cooking a meal, common courtesy dictates a guest should be on time. It’s discourteous when someone is going to the trouble of preparing dinner, and you arrive late, and it gets cold. I don’t blame you for being upset. He should have apologized for being late and ruining dinner. He acted like a child.
If this is out of the norm, I’d write it off as a bad day. If it happens again, I would find out why he is continually late. I will work with someone if there is a legitimate reason, and they are also willing to take responsibility make an effort.
It’s not just that he was late, it sounds like he’s blaming you when he should have manned up.
I grew up in a very population dense city. Parking it a b*tch. I have NEVER expected someone to find parking for me. He needs to grow up.October 23, 2017 at 1:54 pm #662009
I’m sorry, but if this is who he is I don’t see how talking to him yet again is going to change things. Some people are more thoughtful than others about tardiness and keeping people up in what’s happening, others are not, I don’t honestly think you can get him to change his ways, if this is how he treats everyone.
I know people who are sticklers for never being late. Other people live more relaxed lifestyles or choose not to be married to a clock.
Now if he just happens to be great with others and lazy with you, than that shows he doesn’t fully appreciate or respect you or your time.
Which is it?October 23, 2017 at 2:06 pm #662012
You don’t get to choose to ignore the clock when you have plans with someone else.
Does he just show up for work whenever he feels like it? If he does I’m sure he’d be fired.
I do agree that if this is how he is, it’s unlikely he will change, if he does-it won’t stick.
Some people don’t mind those who are habitually late. If I have set plans with someone, I mind that very much. I couldn’t date someone who thinks everyone should wait on them and they can show up whenever it suits them.
You have to decide if you can look past this, if this is a habit of his. I would consider a sign of real disrespect and a poor reflection of his feelings for me.October 23, 2017 at 2:09 pm #662015
Phillygirl- This occasion was an off day for us. And I would have liked an apology. I know he has issues with being late and I like to be on time. We are working on finding something in the middle that works for us. The behavior yesterday just left a bad taste in my mouth.
Kayla to answer your question his tardiness expands to everyone. Like I mentioned before he has gotten much better, I just would like it to be consistent.October 23, 2017 at 2:11 pm #662017
Normally I agree with you, but you seem OTT on this. Let’s get more info. He isn’t a guest he’s a bf. i doubt she was actually serving dinner at 430 on the dot. If this is habit , I get it. But right now she presents it under the context of he was tired and could not find a parking space in a new home she moved to.
So OP, what is it? An ongoing issue of disrespect or are you just being inflexible,October 23, 2017 at 2:13 pm #662021
So OP based on what you write it was an off day. And also this is who he is.
So not sure what you want? You already have accepted having a tardy man in your life. It’s who he is. Will an apology actually change your attitude? I doubt it. You rather a man more like you.October 23, 2017 at 2:37 pm #662028
Kayla- Yes dinner was done by 4:30. If I invite someone over for dinner at a set time,I make sure to have it ready. In no way do I say this to be defensive but, you don’t know me. So please don’t reach to say that I want someone like me.
My issues as I sated earlier was that he was 45 minutes late and as Philly mentioned didn’t won up to it.
In the past we had a few exchanges about his tardiness and he has done much better about being on time. This was a backslide and I got upset about it.October 23, 2017 at 2:42 pm #662030
No. I don’t know you. Or even where you live. Where I live inviting someone over for dinner usually includes appetizers and drinks and then dinner about an hour later, so if you are so rigid in your world that dinner must be on the table at a certain time. Good luck with that, if this man becomes your husband, will you withhold his s meal if he ends up working late? I assume you are looking for validation to be upset but there are always two sides of the story .. I’m not an anal and rigid person so I find you’re situatiin silly. But if it’s that important I think you should find another bf because he would get along better with someone like me than you.October 23, 2017 at 2:45 pm #662032
Kayla thanks for your input but, I think you are reaching a bit here.October 23, 2017 at 2:45 pm #662033
And sorry but your last post sounds like a mom scolding a child and not a discussion with a bf or potential husband. I get about major tardiness and cancel. I have been with a few guys who did this and over time I lost interest. But in your case if you took time to post on a forum over a supposed ‘one off’ I don’t believe you, you are too upset over one incident.October 23, 2017 at 2:52 pm #662035
I might sound off to you, but the first time I posted on here I already knew I had a major bad relationship. So I think that is you possibly, people tend to fight about topics and not issues, if you felt compelled to write this out and get advice means you aren’t happy in this relationship. Just my take.October 23, 2017 at 3:01 pm #662041
In my opinion… not a big deal if he was 45 minutes late… I would’ve enjoyed a drink or two in that time and gotten a bit tipsy by the time my Bf has reached. Pick your battles carefully. It takes years and years to make a solid relationship. Let small little things to slide. Yes a simple thing was to apologize but he didn’t now he is a guy. Guys lack common courtesy. Let it be and don’t think of it. Blame it on a bad day that’s it!October 23, 2017 at 3:12 pm #662044
Guys don’t lack common courtesy. We don’t apologize because it has been ingrained in us that its a sign of weakness, and women despise weakness in men.
I apologized to a woman I was dating one time, because I put my hand down her shirt when she wasn’t ready. Two days later she broke up with me, saying “the way you apologized was so unattractive and made me feel uncomfortable.”
It has nothing with us lacking courtesy. It has to deal with us being afraid that you’ll see us differently if we apologize.October 23, 2017 at 3:16 pm #662047
Wow mike. Why did you share our personal experience? But you are sooooo right!October 23, 2017 at 3:23 pm #662048
Mike, where do you find the women you date. They all sounds like losers.
No decent woman who doesn’t have her head up her a$$ would not expect a man to apologize for being late (or apologizing for anything that warrants an apology).
I am amazed that so many people think more than 10-15 minutes late is okay without a heads up.
I was raised to treat people with the same respect I want. I would never show up more than a few minutes late without a phone call, explanation, and apology.
So…. has common decency, common courtesy and common sense now all become extinct?October 23, 2017 at 3:25 pm #662049
Kayla- not everyone who posts on here is on the verge of a break up or in bad relationship. I appreciate seeing the other side to the story because when you’re upset you may not always see where the other person is coming from.
I wrote this to get some input and see if going forward how we can handle things better. I’m not here to point a picture of a perfect relationship and know that two people aren’t always going to agree on everything but, it doesn’t mean things are bad.October 23, 2017 at 3:32 pm #662050
Mike I would have never thought of that. Thank you for sharing.
Y- you made a great point. I posted this to figure out where and when to pick and choose my battles. I have no intentions on becoming a doormat but, I don’t want to nag either.
This info is helping to figure out where to find a middle in such situations.October 23, 2017 at 3:42 pm #662053
I can not believe that anyone would think it’s a sign of weakness to apologize when you do something inconsiderate, disrespectful, rude, or nasty.
Now, if you are the type of person who apologizes all the time, especially if it’s a situation when an apology is not warranted, then yes…it will make anyone (male or female) look pathetic, needy, and weak.
There is a very big difference.
Ladies, if you think it’s okay for a guy to act douchey, and not offer a sincere apology, then you deserve to date an a-hole.
I am saying this as an aside to this entire post, so this is not a direct response to the OP. I just felt it needed to be said based on the direction this is taking.