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Ashley
My boyfriend and I are long distance and have been dating for almost a year. Everything has been going great and then this past week, I didn’t know he was drunk but he got drunk and we were talking on the phone and he said some really mean things to me. Basically told me he doesn’t remember telling me he wanted to get married (when we had talked about it), he hates where I live and doesn’t want to move (even though he has recently been applying to jobs here because he wants to get a job out here), and he was cussing and it wasn’t a good conversation. I didn’t know he was drunk at the time but it really hurt me and I found out he was drunk the day after.
Things have been hard in our relationship the last month because of something difficult going on in his life and he has taken it out on me.
Yesterday he called me and told me he misses us having easy conversations and not having to have serious conversations and be upset at each other and he asked if we could not have conversations like this for a couple of weeks. I feel like that was not fair when he’s the one that got drunk and we had to talk about it after and that’s not my fault. I feel like he blamed it on me instead of taking responsibility.
I told him on the phone that I was trying to be kind and gracious and most girls would have broken up if their boyfriend did that to them and said those hurtful things on the phone. He got offended and thought I was trying to guilt him. And he told me I shouldn’t joke about that. I wasn’t joking and I was serious but now he’s not responding to my texts. Was I off base? I feel like that is a normal response and instead of apologizing and bending over backwards to be kind to me after treating me like that, he’s blaming me instead and being mad at me.
What do I do?
Raven
You’ve posted about this before, a couple times with different names ?
Honestly, it sounds like he’s trying to get out… If he can be a turd & you break up with him, then he gets to be the ‘injured’ party…
Think about this though, if this is how he’s acting now, this is how he’s going to act in the future. You’ve always been long distance. Even though you see him regularly- do you really know him, like you would if he were closer?
Raven
Need some advice about my relationship = Sylvia
Text conversation help = LilyKim
Before I moved in with my now husband he and I were in a long distance relationship. We were also doing long distance for almost a year. If he spoke to me on the phone drunk like that I wouldn’t put up with it. If it occurred once I might be forgiving. Anymore than that though and he’d be out the door.
My sister’s fiancé used to do the same when he was drunk sometimes. He used to call her saying that she doesn’t love him etc. It happened on many occasions. Not sure how she put up with it. I certainly wouldn’t have. Drunk or not, everyone is responsible for what they do and say to people and our words and actions have consequences.
Rubi
Drunk words are sober thoughts.
Maddie
As you’ve been told in your other threads, things have been hard in your relationship the last month because he’s immature, doesn’t deal with life stress well, and isn’t a good long-term partner, but it took you longer to learn this because of the long distance. The excuses and bad behavior keep piling up. You’re lucky you found out before moving in together or getting engaged. Being a jerk on the phone and then excusing it with essentially saying “I was drunk and now you’re overreacting so I’m going to give you the silent treatment to unapologetically teach you that you better let me do whatever I want” is manipulative, inexcusable, and indicates how far he’ll go to avoid responsibility for being a decent grown up. Listen to him, because he’s showing you exactly who he is. Stop letting him spin things around on you, and then exit the situation because you deserve better.
Liz Lemon
I remember your other threads & I agree with the other posters. Your bf got laid off & has been taking it out on you. Is this the kind of life partner you want? Someone who’ll dump on you when life throws him a curveball?
I also remember you two have been long distance your entire relationship. You visit each other regularly for 1-2 weeks at a time. But as Raven pointed out, that’s not real life. Real life is having to deal with stuff like losing your job. I had a long distance relationship once and it was always lovely when we visited because it was like a vacation– it wasn’t real life. It was stepping out of real life to go visit my boyfriend, or vice versa. Now that the poop has hit the fan, you’re starting to see that this guy isn’t a good prospect for a life partner.
A year of dating is honestly not that long, especially if you’ve only actually seen each other in person for maybe 3-4 months total of that year. So you didn’t know him that well, honestly. Surely you can see he would not make a good life partner.
ANM StaffKeymasterJust a quick update, Ashley — it’s fine to ask follow-up questions in the same topic thread. The other topics are still available for you to read, here and here. You can bookmark this latest topic and revisit it later. It’s still available even if it falls off the “recent topics” list. :)
One other thing: As some others have mentioned, we like you to stick with the same name when posting here. I totally understand that you don’t want to use your real name, and that’s fine! Sticking with the same name helps everyone know that you’re the same person looking for follow-up advice on a topic. (Though as you’ve seen, our community members are really sharp and they recognize a familiar situation. Many of them give a lot of thought to these situations and so if it pops up again, they remember. They’re good people, they want to help!)
Anyway, I hope that everyone’s advice is helping bring you clarity. And even if you’re not finding clarity, you’re welcome to discuss things in more depth. Sometimes when you’re discussing deeper, a particular piece of advice can really jump out and change your way of thinking. Best wishes to you!
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