Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › Did I ruin this situation?
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paige.
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paige
This guy has left me 5 times now, by either ghosting or saying he doesn’t want a relationship. He came back saying he wants a relationship with me and that he can’t wait to spend time with me and go on vacations with me. He told me he wants me to be able to spend unlimited time with him. He told me I make him nervous because I’m so smart and he can’t understand why I like him. But we agreed to be boyfriend and girlfriend the same night I first saw him again. The next day, I went away with family, and had to stay longer than planned due to an emergency (was there nearly 2 weeks). During the two weeks, he was quick to respond and even somewhat flirty. He also brought up taking me to the beach. I got anxious one night towards the end of the trip, so I double texted him. I asked for reassurance that he wouldn’t lose interest with me being gone so long, he reassured me. He told me he understands my feelings but to try not to worry.
When I got back, I saw him. He seemed excited and said we should go to the beach for his birthday (the following week). He did mention he’d have to check with his dad first. The next day went by and he texted but said he was having a busy work day. Two days later I mentioned in a text how I can’t wait to go to the beach with him. He told me he hopes we can still go but needs to work some things out. Later, he said he doesn’t want to go when his dad’s there but said we’ll go at some point. We hung out that night, but only while he ran errands. He didn’t want me to come over afterwards. The next day he basically canceled the beach plans, saying we’d have to wait since his dad was supposed to be there. I said okay and carried on. On the weekend, I had another trip to go on for a wedding, and we were supposed to have lunch together before I left but he canceled that so I asked if I could give him a kiss before I left. He hadn’t answered me in 5 hours so I called. At that point, he took his ‘last active’ status setting off Facebook (even though I had never mentioned Facebook at all). He then texted me a little later, so I told him I worried he was fading, and was getting a little emotional. He went on with the conversation like normal, but kind of just disregarded what I said and didn’t really want to hear more about that.
I saw him again Tuesday after, he brought me to the grocery store with him. On the ride there he brought up an (unofficial) ex who had hurt him by disappearing at times and not being truthful. He said how he doesn’t like spending so much time with another person because of what happened with her. This was different from what he said a few weeks ago. So I asked if he no longer wanted me to be his girlfriend but he said he did, but that he doesn’t want to get bored of me so we need to find balance. The next day was his birthday, and I didn’t get to see him even though he had said the night before that there was a possibility I might. The day after that he seemed to be texting more and we hung at his house. One topic came up about seeing each other, and I half-jokingly said how I wasn’t able to make plans with him because I felt like he was in control, and said something about how he cancels at times. That night he wasn’t very cuddly after sex. Friday we ran errands but he wanted me to go home after because he had a game to play. Then he was distant that weekend so I asked if he was still interested. I told him I’m fine with only a couple texts a day and seeing him twice a week. He got back to me saying that while he likes me and enjoys hanging it, he keeps finding himself not wanting to be in a relationship and is a happier person without one. He also said he doesn’t want to deal with the stress of building deep relationships, and having to worry about dumb things. He said he doesn’t enjoy being in a relationship as much as he thinks he would like to. He ended it saying we should just be friends, and we can go on walks/run errands together here and then. Do you think I ruined it by overthinking or being too needy? Also, do you think he will be back at some point?
paige
Also note, he is now at the beach by himself.
Newbie
You want him to come back for the sixth time so he can do the same again?
Yes you are acting needy and insecure but thats not the worst part. The worst part is you give this guy a pass on just about anything and still think its you who need to fix it.
This is acting like a player. Well player maybe is the wrong word. Cold and hot guy, not consistent.
It was painful to read how you ask him over and over if he doesnt lose interest. You really need to work on yourself and get good at working for your own interest. Start with reading why men love b*tches. That will help in not having guys walk all over you. This guy has done this 5 times now, he probably will come back for more vagueness. I suggest you put him in the vague friend box, stop giving him all your power and think why you let this guy walk all over youSs
Ok so did you ruin it? There was nothing to ruin! He is out of order making all these promises and cancelling etc but this is partly on you because you listened to his sweet words but didn’t observe his actions. He was showing very low interest.
Your needy texts and behaviour probably didn’t help much but he was never that into you so its kind of moot but as a lesson in dating please don’t be so clingy and needy in future. When a mans interest declines you should step way back and get on with your life.
You sound like you’ve been stalking him on social media which isn’t great and how do you know he is at the beach alone right now???
I don’t know how old you guys are but you sound really young.
Forget this guy and move on
paige
Normally I am not the clingy type, and I was raised in a home with lots of love. I think what caused me to feel that way are the facts that 1) I’m really into him and 2) he has left me multiple times before. When I think back on the situation, I just don’t want to feel at fault because that is really painful. But I want to also see it for what it really is.
Newbie
This all starts with telling yourself you dont want a man that doesnt want you. Over and over. You want a man who wants you. Period. If you just accept breadcrumbs because youre so into him you already lost yourself. If youre young you would invest time in learning how to date, what to accept, how to have strong boundaries, how to be fully happy and confident. That might get you a long way in dating good men. Im not saying this one isnt but he doesnt want you. So move on.
Franny
Do not accept this behavior from any guy, ever. A man who really cares about you doesn’t pull this kind of BS. You didn’t ruin anything because nothing was there to ruin.
Gaia
What does this guy have that is so great that you’ll put up with all of this?
Maybe you are really young or something but there is nothing jumping out about how terrific this guy is. He came right out and told you he doesn’t want a relationship. He told you he wants to be friends. If you give him sex during that you’ll just be a FWB. And it’ll be on you that that is what you are accepting if you sleep with him from here on out.There is nothing to ruin. He told you what he wants. You have to accept it and move on. Trust me, there are plenty of better men out there than this wishy-washy dude. You can’t sex a man into a relationship, you can’t guilt him into one, and you definitely can’t strong arm a man into one by clinging to hard. Especially one like this boy who doesn’t want a relationship.
paige
Do you think I was clinging too hard?
Liz Lemon
You’re looking at this situation in totally the wrong way. You’re blaming yourself, or thinking that you somehow did something wrong. This guy does not want a relationship! Period. There is nothing you could have done or not done that would have changed his mind.
He has broken up with you and/or ghosted you 5 times already. He blows hot and cold with you. Then he says he does not enjoy being in a relationship and just wants to be friends. The guy is not relationship material, end of story.
You are clinging too hard, yes. But that’s not what drove this guy away. This guy was never yours. He never WANTED to be yours. The fact that you’re clingy, or not clingy, or whatever, has nothing to do with it. He simply does not want a relationship.
You didn’t ruin anything because there was nothing to ruin. But yes, you are being clingy and needy. You are wasting your time and it’s making you question your own worth. Let go of this guy and work on being secure within yourself. Focus on building up your self love and dignity. Why would you chase after a guy who has made it so clear he is not interested?
skdfopwe
>>This guy has left me 5 times now, by either ghosting or saying he doesn’t want a relationship.
1. Why was there a 2nd time? Okay, one second chance. But a third? Fourth? Five times is unfathomable.
>>He told me I make him nervous because I’m so smart and he can’t understand why I like him.
Flattery and smooth talk. Nobody here can understand why you like him.
>>The next day, I went away with family, and had to stay longer than planned due to an emergency (was there nearly 2 weeks). During the two weeks, he was quick to respond and even somewhat flirty.
Your official boyfriend was *somewhat* flirty and responded to you? Wow.
You have the bar so low that I’d never a shovel to reach it.>> I got anxious one night towards the end of the trip, so I double texted him. I asked for reassurance that he wouldn’t lose interest with me being gone so long, he reassured me. He told me he understands my feelings but to try not to worry.
The little tingling voice you hear that even makes you worry about that, is one you should listen to.
>>When I got back, I saw him. He seemed excited and said we should go to the beach for his birthday (the following week). He did mention he’d have to check with his dad first. The next day went by and he texted but said he was having a busy work day. Two days later I mentioned in a text how I can’t wait to go to the beach with him. He told me he hopes we can still go but needs to work some things out. Later, he said he doesn’t want to go when his dad’s there but said we’ll go at some point.
Cool. A flake! Sexy quality in a dude.
>>We hung out that night, but only while he ran errands.
He takes you out on dates to run his errands.
>>He didn’t want me to come over afterwards.
Are you kidding me.
>>The next day he basically canceled the beach plans, saying we’d have to wait since his dad was supposed to be there. I said okay and carried on.
Did you say “I don’t like having my time treated with disregard?”
>>And we were supposed to have lunch together before I left but he canceled that so I asked if I could give him a kiss before I left. He hadn’t answered me in 5 hours so I called.
F)ck this guy! Don’t call him. He knows you are leaving. Seriously. What the f+ck.
>>At that point, he took his ‘last active’ status setting off Facebook (even though I had never mentioned Facebook at all). He then texted me a little later, so I told him I worried he was fading,
Why do you care? He brings ZERO to the table, woman! This guy has NO redeeming qualities in a boyfriend.
>>and was getting a little emotional. He went on with the conversation like normal, but kind of just disregarded what I said and didn’t really want to hear more about that.
This is not a relationship. He won’t relate to you in any way that’s authentic.
>>I saw him again Tuesday after, he brought me to the grocery store with him.
Another classy dazzling date!
>>On the ride there he brought up an (unofficial) ex who had hurt him by disappearing at times and not being truthful. He said how he doesn’t like spending so much time with another person because of what happened with her.
Uh, that is what he is doing to you.
>> So I asked if he no longer wanted me to be his girlfriend but he said he did, but that he doesn’t want to get bored of me
No! LeavE! NO! NO MAN SAYS THIS AND WALKS AWAY UNSCATHED
so we need to find balance. The next day was his birthday, and I didn’t get to see him even though he had said the night before that there was a possibility I might. The day after that he seemed to be texting more and we hung at his house. One topic came up about seeing each other, and I half-jokingly said how I wasn’t able to make plans with him because I felt like he was in control, and said somethi
I
ng about how he cancels at times. That night he wasn’t very cuddly after sex. Friday we ran errands but he wanted me to go home after because he had a game to play. Then he was distant that weekend so I asked if he was still interested. I told him I’m fine with only a couple texts a day and seeing him twice a week. He got back to me saying that while he likes me and enjoys hanging it, he keeps finding himself not wanting to be in a relationship and is a happier pers
CAN’T
on without one. He also said he doesn’t want to deal with the stress of building deep relationships, and having to worry about dumb things. He said he doesn’t enjoy being in a relationship as much as he thinks he would like to. He ended it saying
>>we should just be friends, and we can go on walks/run errands<<
BELIEVE THERE
together here and then. Do you think I ruined it by overthinking or being too needy? Also, do you think he will be back
IS MORE TO THIS AFTER THE FIRST PARAGRAPH BESIDES “SO I JUST BROKE UP WITH A CLOWN”
at some point?
paige
This is exactly the post I needed to read to be honest. :D Thank you for that.
Lane
There’s this thing called a wall. Stop hitting your head on it a you only get a headache.
Too much work, drop him.
paige
Thanks for the opinions.
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